So confused

Hi everyone,

I have been reading most of the posts written here this morning and have decided to drop in myself. I have a very similar situation as mommyof2 however, I have three children now not two. I'm married, 32 years old and I have a stepdaughter who is 12, my son is 7 and my daughter is 4. My husband and I just found out I am pregnant again about three weeks ago. This has been the hardest three weeks of my entire life.

My husband did not want it immediatly, I didn't know what to do. He has always told me that if I got pregnant again it would have to be aborted. I had an abortion once when I was 20. I was young and naive about it and really didn't know what I had done until it was over. I choose the route of blocking it and pretending that it didn't happen. Bad choice. I have always regretted it in ways and still think about it 12years later. I always told myself I would never do it again. Now, here I sit faced with this unexpected and yes unwanted pregnancy and I am torn. I did not want anymore children because well.... I just didn't and we struggle very much now as it is.

My husband was very angry with the way I felt. Keeping it was my only option and he really really didn't want to. I did not force him into it and even thought I would have to leave because he was so against it. That is when the fear gripped me like no other. The idea of raising 3 alone freaked me out for sure. The thought of welfare, never having money, my kids being teased over there lives, them growing up angry at me for the hardship of thier lives, etc. This way of thinking sends me into a tunnel headed towards not having it everytime but then my heart begins to break all over again.

At first my husband turned away from me and shut down. I thought for sure we were over because of this. However, he began to see the torment I was going through daily with crying and depression and feelings of not being able to go on or cope. I have struggled with depression most of my life and was on meds while pregnant with my daughter. I have since gone off them but I really should be on them. He told me this will change him and not for the better. He has come to a point in his life where he is done with raising young children. He had his first at age 20 and was not ready. THen we had our daughter 4 years ago and she is his pride and joy. He told me he does not want this child and that scares me to. Is it fair to bring this child here with a parent who doesn't want it? I know I would not be that way but I'm not sure about him. Anyway, he want's to live his life now. Go out have a kicking social life and not have to worry so much anymore about money. Well, we have always struggled in that area and I don't see it being any different. He doesn't want to put his life on hold for this. His main concern though was how we would do it financially. I have been home with our daughter for about a year and a half but I was planning to go back to work because we need it very badly, how do I do that now? Who will hire a pregnant woman?

We just recently moved to TN and are living with family at the moment. It has been very hard for us as we lost our home in Florida to a forclosure and had to file a BK last year. Our credit is very poor and this is making is hard to get back on our feet. My husband works but I really need a full time income to make it easier on him. Our daughter starts kindergaten next year and we thought we would be finished with the daycare expense. Well doesn't seem that way now.

I have gone back and forth with this choice and always seem to end up back here at having the baby. I think my husband is ready to just die since I am so wishy washy. My fear is holding me in a bad place and I feel very alone. I have not told anyone in my family and therefore have had no one to reach out to at all. I have an appointment to abort this child on the 14th. I have cancelled and resceduled twice already. I guess that tells me a lot. I don't want to go through it but I feel like if I don't I am ruining everyones lives. I have seen a lot about helping find the assistance needed in whatever areas and I would be interested in finding out more about that too. I live in TN and that state is not hypelinked.

Thanks to anyone and everyone with support!

- Faith

|