I will be 46 next month, and my husband is 50. We had gotten a little sloppy with the birth control (with the obvious results) b/c I didn't think that I could get pregnant, what are the odds, right? There was a little ambivalence, honestly, and maybe that led to the sloppiness. But I have never been someone who wants children, I'm not one of those people who likes holding them, etc. I'll be polite w/other people's kids and ooh and aah but I think it's boring. And now, here we are. Anyhow, I'm feeling pretty bummed, like my first thought today was "I hope I miscarry". That would actually be my #1 thing b/c then I wouldn't have to make the decision. I'm already really queasy, have lost 3 lbs. since found out b/c can't eat. I just forced myself to eat now, though. Tired already, nipples hurt. We are also having layoffs at work (I have only been in this new job - transferred from another one in the company) and tha is a source of stress. Any thoughts would be great...
I feel like a part of me could be amped about this, but it's the fake Ozzie & Harriet part. I need a lot of space and get really freaky if I feel crowded, and my husband knows that. But I will either need space & keep abandoning the kid, or just get trapped and show up for the kid all the time & be depressed in a living death. I was in a relationship like that in my 20s.
I am just so bummed and freaked.
- moorik16
Friday, August 10, 2007
Just found out 36 hours ago
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27 comments:
Welcome to CTLW...although I'm sorry your here under these circumstances. (((Hugs))) A lot of the things you mentioned are very common concerns when thinking of becoming a parent the first time. Not liking other children was a HUGE one for me. I was very concerned that I would not know what to do with my child...and that I wouldn't feel connected or anything. I can tell you that your maternal instinct will kick in to solve that problem.
Many hope for a miscarriage, so you're not alone there either. What is your husband saying?
As for needing space, I think that it might be a good idea to "schedule" yourself some time out once or twice a week. (Or time in while hubby takes the baby.) I also think that this won't be as bad as you think. There's a difference between needing space from people (even your hubby) versus needing space from your child. I think you're likely to be able to handle being around your child at least long enough for someone to come and give you a couple of hours off.
Please write back. ((((Hugs)))
Hi Rose - thank you for writing. What you say is interesting. I'm really kind of a loner although I do social stuff, work, etc. but I definitely have way more needs for alone time than most people. If it is different w/one's child, that would be good. I just can see myself being the exception and not really into it.
My husband is the best. He says he will be support no matter what I decide. He says - on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being 100% want a baby, he is a 7.5 right now. I am like a 3.5
Glad to hear the miscarriage thing is not uncommon. I feel like it would give me an out without feeling like a villain.
Hi Lisa,
I'm sorry you have found yourself in this situation. I agree with Rose that you have some very common concerns. Often when a woman is faced with an unexpected or unplanned pregnancy, they hope that it will end so they don't have to make the actual decision whether to keep it or not. Also, many people aren't too into kids, but when their own comes along it's a totally different thing. My aunt and uncle were both in their mid-40s and had been under the assumption that they could not have kids (they BOTH had been deemed sterile). 20 years of marriage later...my aunt found herself pregnant. She was NOT a kid person, did not like other kids, and had never planned on having kids. In fact, part of the reason she and my uncle were married was the fact that neither of them wanted kids. So here she was in her mid-40s and got pregnant. I think it took her quite a while to get used to the idea of being a mom, but a few years later, she actually got pregnant AGAIN (while using b/c even!) and now I can honestly say that she loves her children and I'm sure she doesn't regret it for one minute. She still is not too into other kids though.
Her situation sounded somewhat similar to yours...being in your 40s, not really planning on ever having kids, and so on. In her case, she ended up being a great mom who loves her kids. In other cases, though, that maternal instinct never does really kick in, so I guess it depends on the person.
I wish you the best of luck, and keep writing here if you would like more advice, support, or ideas!
How are you feeling today Lisa? Any closer to a decision? You mentioned you were a 3.5...I know that can change day-to-day.
I remember when I was pregnant with my first (even though I wanted her) and I was watching a friend's child to "get used to it." This baby started crying, and nothing I did would make her stop. She was drooling everywhere, and that grossed me out. I didn't know whether I should feed her, play with her, etc. I changed her diaper and was all thumbs. It was horrible. I cried to another friend thinking I was going to be the WORST mother ever - and that I didn't feel any closeness to that baby. (She kind of got on my nerves quite frankly.)
I was assured by my friend that it was different with your own. I didn't believe her completely. But when I gave birth and was still in the hospital, it was SO true. My daughter didn't get on my nerves, and I knew what she wanted with each cry, etc. Sure, it's different for everyone, but it is SO much different than someone else's baby.
Trina and Rose,
Thank you so much. Today is my 5th day since I learned about the pregnancy, and I am in less of a state of shock. Am also combatting the nausea with lots of tiny snacks like grapes and crackers which seems to help.
Don't know yet. I am starting to feel attached to it. DARN. Uh oh, that sounds like a maternal instinct.
I am freaked out work-wise, b/c we are having layoffs at work, and I am now looking for a job (still inside my current company) as a preggo - which is tough - who wants to hire someone pregnant. I don't tell people when I interview but wonder whether I should. My husband works and is a hard worker but he has very high debt b/c of ex-wife alimony. So not working is not really an option.
I don't have many other thoughts for today except that I am glad to not be so nauseous. I was so sick Thu-Sun that I lost 4 pounds.
Hi Lisa,
I"m sorry your feeling so bad with the morning sickness! It's really hard to feel positive feelings when you're sick all the time, even with a planned pregnancy! But it does go away :) Eventually :)
I am a lot like you in that I really need my space - from everyone! Even my kids. If I don't get some "me time" daily, I get really cranky. When my kids were babies, it actually was easier than I thought to get that time in. They sleep a lot ;) As they have gotten older (15, 12 and 10) they understand that mom needs her space sometimes. They grew up learning that, and have never felt abandoned by it. I'm sure that with the baby's schedule, and your husband helping, you will be able to get that time you need.
Although it would be illegal for them to let you go or turn you down for another position because of the pregnancy, I wouldn't say anything until you have to unless there is reason for having to tell them (like if you are having health complications and need time off because of it or something like that). I would just wait until you are a little more obviously PG before saying anything at work. When I was PG with my son and working, I didn't tell them until I was about 5 months along. Not so much because I was afraid of losing my job, but where I worked, I was with doctors and nurses all day and I knew they would all be asking me about it and on my case all the time!
Eating frequently, but in smaller quantities can help battle nausea. Things like crackers, hard sour candies, ginger candies, ginger tea can help too. I hope you are feeling better soon! : )
Hey there,
The one thing that helped with my morning sickness was Emetrol. It's anti-nausea medicine. Some people say it doesn't work, but it sure did for me, and I was pretty sick. It tastes sickeningly sweet, but you do what you have to do. ;)
I'll bet you that if you give it another week to think about, it'll be pretty clear what way you're leaning.
I got hired when I was newly pregnant with my DD, and I didn't tell anyone at the time. It isn't any of their business really. Update us soon!
Hey all,
Thank you so much for all the comments and support. I am following up on all the anti-nausea suggestions, incl. the Emetrol. Eating the tiny amounts all the time helps.
Thank you for the ideas re: job stuff. You are right - they don't need to know about the preggo stuff.
I am leaning pro baby. How did that happen? Don't ask me. I am getting attached to the little thing.
I am also glad to hear that non-baby people were attached to their own and also need space.
Will keep you posted....
I am leaning pro baby. How did that happen? Don't ask me. I am getting attached to the little thing.
It happens pretty quickly once the shock wears off. Sounds like you're going to be a mother! Congratulations. :) Please do keep us updated. I'm glad we could be here for you as you decided, and if your mind changes again, please post again anytime!
Now I am starting to worry that the baby will have defects. Any thoughts???
Hi Lisa - Do you mean from drinking or drugs? Or do you mean age-relate I'm assuming you mean Downs syndrome due to "advanced maternal age." ;)
It looks like the chances of having a baby with Downs is about 1/30 for your age group. There are a lot of tests that they can do nowadays that screen for this so that you can prepare if need be. I've had a few women get pregnant later in life, and none of them have had babies with Downs...just FYI.
I found a few helpful websites out there that I thought I would pass on.
http://www.mothersover40.com/over45.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Down_syndrome
http://pregnancy.about.com/cs/downsyndrome/l/bldownssyn.htm
hi Rose - thanks - I meant age-related. I am a teetotaler :) & quit smoking about 11 years ago. I'll check that website. Many thanks. Found out today job is being eliminated; and b/w that and ridiculous all night & day heartburn, I am feeling blue and not very pro-baby. :(
There are bound to be up days and down days. Are you taking anything for the heartburn? I took over-the-counter ranitidine for acid reflux problems with my DD. It helped! Check with your doctor. Have you made a prenatal appointment yet by the way?
Thanks - I will try the ranitidine.
My gyn has been on vacation but I am seeing her next Tuesday.
I am feeling very negative about this pregnancy. I don't really want a kid and the prospect of feeling sick for the next 2 years (I know this heartburn will pass but then we have hemorrhoids, backaches, constipation, post-partum, and lots of other fun stuff) is not a good one. Also am sick of my husband -- I know this is not his fault, but this is how I feel. Sorry to be so negative.
I know it's hard to stay "excited" and the thought of having a baby is still a big shift from where you thought you'd be. This is bound to cause a wide range of emotions - happiness, sadness, anger, helplessness, etc. They're caused by (first of all) the ups and downs in your hormone levels and also by the shock of the situation. It's okay to feel negative, and I'll bet that in a few days you'll feel good about it again.
Are you still considering having an abortion at this point?
Pregnancy isn't a fun time...well...I guess there are some that just beam and feel fabulous, but for the most part, it's the pits! As far as after the baby comes, I don't think the health concerns are too bad. Saggy boobs are about all I've had to deal with...and stretch marks.
How come your husband is getting on your nerves? Has he been particularly insensitive to this? I think you said before that he wanted the baby. Maybe he's just too happy about this for you? I could see how that would get on your nerves. ((((Hugs)))
hi Rose,
Totally thinking of getting an abortion. My husband is very into this baby stuff. :( Will keep you posted.
Hi Lisa,
I've read through your posts and it seems like you might still be shock a bit from the news that you are pregnant. Give yourself a little more time to really be confident in either decision.
Is your husband supportive if you were to have an abortion? Or would that cause some issues in your marriage?
From experience I can tell you that even if you really, really do not want a child, you can grow to love it and be an excellent mother. My daughter just turned 10 and there has never been a moment of regret, even though I did not want a baby. In fact, it's been just the opposite, she's one of the best things that ever happened to me.
I would just encourage you to think about it some more. Don't push yourself to make a decision...you've got plenty of time. Do some research on the procedure you would have done so you're completely prepared if that is what you decide.
Hi again Lisa,
Sorry you are still back and forth on this decision. It is a big decision to make! You do have a while before you need to make any decisions, so take your time and don't make any quick decisions you might regret later.
A lot of the stories you hear about pregnancy are not always completely right. Not everyone gets hemmorhoids (thank goodness), not everyone is uncomfortable or in pain, or has lasting effects of the pregnancy. So don't let that scare you off too much. For me, heartburn was the #1 thing in both pregnancies. I ended up getting a prescription for it that worked wonderfully.
And remember: Everyone LOVES to tell their pregnancy horror stories to women who have just found themselves pregnant, but don't listen to them! If I had listened to all the stories I heard, I wouldn't have kids today! : )
Is it mainly the nausea and heartburn that are making you want the abortion at this point? It seems like you were thinking it was okay until that hit, and now things are looking iffy again. Is anything helping with the nausea? I had bad MS with both pregnancies, but mine cleared completely at 13 weeks. Most women have that same experience, but there are some who don't. As far as heartburn, that is usually manageable by taking some heartburn relief medicine, but definitely talk to your doctor when you see him/her this week. Maybe just feeling a little better would put you in a different frame of mind, but maybe not.
((((Hugs))))
Hi Lisa,
How did your appointment go? Was she able to give you something for the nausea/heartburn? I'm sure once you get that under control you will be in a better frame of mind to make a decision. It's hard to think about anything (much less an important decision) when you feel so sick :(
Are you feeling any differently about your decision? I know with the hormones, thoughts can fluctuate almost minute to minute!
I hope you are feeling better soon, and hope you will update us soon :)
Marnie
Hi everyone, thank you for all the comments and notes. I had the appt this week. It was ok. I really like her so I always like going. We did a zillion blood tests, sono, I have to go get a CVS test, etc. Got some horse sized vitamins. Still kind of just going along. She said Prilosec is good for heartburn but I couldn't find it so am still taking Zantac. I'm eating teeny tiny amounts of bland stuff and taking a Zantac before bed which helps. Still have the low-level nausea and tiredness ALL day long but I'm kind of getting used to it so it isn't freaking me out as much.
Not much else for now. My mood is just blah. I found out today that I am definitely getting laid-off which didn't help. My husband has enormous alimony payments so we need my income.
I don't have much else now. I don't feel too feisty but I am not depressed. I'm just operating at speed level 1, where I usually go at 8.
I'm sorry you aren't feeling your normal self :( Hopefully that will change once you start to feel better physically!
Is there any chance of moving to another position in that company, or is your job just gone? How about unemployment benefits?
How are things with your husband? You said you were getting sick of him, has that changed? Those darn hormones seem to play with emotions from minute to minute! It really sucks sometimes!
How are you feeling about the pregnancy? Has that changed? I really hope you start to feel better soon - morning sickness is so hard....
Hi Lisa,
Glad to hear you're still functioning. Pregnancy does take you down a notch, doesn't it? (((Hugs))) I'm really hoping that by 12-13 weeks you'll be feeling really good. Often that's the case.
What are your possibilities as far as working? I'm sure that's been a major focus lately and that it will weigh in this decision a great deal.
Did you read my post on the "surprise child" book? It has to do with women who get pregnant later in life. Just in case it's something you'd be interested in: http://choicetolivewith.blogspot.com/2007/08/surpise-child-review.html
((((Hugs)))) Keep posting. We're here for you!
I hope you are feeling much better at the the 12-15 week point. Most people do. I think at that point, your body has gotten used to the hormone surge (although it continues throughout pregnancy) and for most people, the nausea, lethargy, mood swings slow down a bit after that point.
How much longer do you have at your job? Any way it will be stretched out until you are due to have the baby? Or are you done working already? If your income drops, does alimony change at all or is that something that is set in stone? I don't know too much about that kind of thing. I think it's just ridiculous to even have soemething like that anyway. Just my opinion though, apologies to anyone that receives it.
For me, Prilosec worked best for heartburn in pregnancy. It can be a bit pricey though (about $10-$14 for a 2 week supply depending on whether it's on sale or not). If you can't afford it and over-the-counter remedies aren't cutting it (and if you have health insurance) ask about Prevacid which is a prescription medication that some insurance companies will cover. Some won't though, since Prilosec is available OTC now.
I hope you are feeling better about the whole pregnancy thing!
Lisa,
It's been a few days now - how are you doing? How are things going? We'd LOVE an update. I know I've been thinking of you and hoping things are going better. ((((Hugs))))
Hi Lisa,
How are things with you? Is the morning sickness getting better? We would love an update!
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