help for a friend

I had an abortion about a year and half ago, and now have a friend that is almost in the same situation. She came to me for help even though she had no idea that I had had this experience. I've been able to support her, but she has one big decision that I didn't deal with... which is whether or not to tell her partner. I did, right away, and he was with me through everything. We actually just broke up around six weeks ago, and its been really rough. She is afraid to tell her boyfriend, I think because she is afraid that he will not want to go through with the abortion. I really think she needs someone to help her(she's really sensitive) and I have a traveling job, so I can't be there with her. I'm afraid she'll feel guilty for not telling him and that it might cause some problems.

Any advice would be great... thanks!

- Chantelli

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Almost 1yr since

I know i havent posted on this site for along long time but for me it was just to hard, i know u'll understand.

i cant begin to describe what i've been thru this last year and im not sure its getting any easier.To top it all i ended up breaking up with my then bf. For so long i was a wreck after so mb i am doing better. Im still at university in my 3rd year tho xams didnt go so well with all the stress.

On the 16th february, it will be 1yr since i went thru with it, i miss her everyday and wud give anything to go back and do it again though i know thats not poss n it hurts so much. Anyway i could just use some support over the next couple of weeks as i know they are gonna b hard esp with my workload rite now too. I have a couple of friends i can go to about this but ultimately they just dont understand...

-marisa

My Story

Im posting this here, because I have made both choices, abortion and parenting.

About 3 years ago, I met one of the founders of this website on another message board. I was pregnant and conflicted. I had just had a baby girl who was just about 7 weeks old when I got pregnant with another child. I looked for support on various message boards. I was convinced abortion was the best option. I met Rose, and she was kind, caring and compassionate. Unfortunately, by the time I met her, I had pretty much made up my mind, without considering any of the after effects....and so I went through with the abortion. For me, it was the worst choice I could have made, but she helped me pick up the pieces.

For reasons I still cant figure out, I stayed in the relationship I was in. I got pregnant again, but lost the baby at 8 weeks. I was convinced that was my punishment, and all I could think about was 'replacing' the baby I just miscarried. Three months later, I was pregnant again. My significant other wasn't happy, but I wouldnt consider abortion at that point. In March of 2005, I had a baby girl, Amaya. At this point, I decided that since Amaya was my 5th child, I would go ahead and schedule my tubal. Its at this point that I have to stress that NO protection is 100%, because when I went for my pre op blood work, I was pregnant. Amaya was only 9 weeks old. I was numb, scared, and all the unsurety of everything came rushing back to me. I flip flopped back and forth with my decision...but decided I couldnt have this baby....I scheduled an appointment, only to learn that my insurance coverage had lapsed ( this is an eerie repeat of my original abortion scenario as the same thing happened then..) so I had to reschedule. Instead of going at 7 weeks, I was going at 12, and that made me uneasy. Still I went. I did my paperwork, they took my blood, I sat with the counselor. I was 100% sure of my choice until I got to the counselor. Even with my game face on that I KNEW I had to do this, she saw through me to my heart, where there was something that ached with this decision. After an hour of counseling, I told her I was sure and that was it. I went upstairs to wait my turn. One by one I saw the other girls go before me. I started feeling dizzy and shaky. I was crying. But I kept saying this was in my best interest, and my kids best interest. Finally it was my turn. I walked into the room with the nurse, and when I got in there, everything went black and fuzzy and I almost passed out. The dr came in to see if I was ok. I wasnt. I was a mess, and unsure. The dr told me that I needed to go home and re think this..that since I passed out, she really couldnt do the procedure that day anyhow..So I got dressed and left. I had NO idea how I was going to handle a sixth child, I had no clue how the babys father would react, but all I did know is that somehow , walking out of there felt right, and I felt free, and as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

Three short weeks later I saw my little baby girl on ultrasound for the first time. Apparently I had a placental bleed, (but I never bled, she swallowed the blood...) that I was unaware of. By the grace of God, it resolved itself. After the fact, I was told that with placental abruptions there is a 50/50 chance of a successful pregnancy. On Feb 28,2006 Alexzandrea Jianna was born 8 lbs 3 oz, 20 inches long, 2 weeks early. And she was perfect.

Sometimes I am completely overwhelmed with emotion when I think I was just seconds away from ending my pregnancy with her. I am so blessed to have her. My life isnt easy, single mom, six kids, i work full time outside the home too...but I'm happy....in some weird, chaotic way, I'm happy...

If this post is in the wrong place, please move to an appropriate place...and if anyone wants to talk, please message me and I will be happy to chat.

Blessings and Wisdom to all

-Lynda

so confused

Hi again.It's been 5 months now since my abortion,and most of the time i can keep the pain in check and deal with it privately,but some days i still lock myself away and weep.I guess as it's nearing the time i would have given birth it's a bit harder,anyway,the reason i am posting here is this.My periods are always regular,the 15th of every month.In July,i got my period on the 5th,bit odd i thought,but didn't worry too much about it.About 2 and a half weeks ago,my boobs started really hurting,and felt enormous and tender.I normally get sore boobs pre period,so i just waited to come on.But i haven't come on,and i have been needing to pee more than often,and have felt bloated.Last friday,i bought a test but it was negative,so i just thought i would get my period soon.Yesterday,the 15th,i went and had a test done,negative again.My boobs are still sore,and i feel very weepy.The sample i took wasn't early morning,would that make a difference?There was one occasion when i could have got pregnant,it was a week after the period i got early,i let my husband come in me as i genuinely thought it would be safe,of course,at the back of my mind i am always secretly,desperately hoping against hope that i will conceive again.But with 2 negative tests,i am more concerned as to why i haven't got my period.Any suggestions?

-Linzi

Feeling bad for not feeling bad...

It's weird. I don't feel guilt, or sorrow, or mourning, or anything. Just relief, release. I'm glad it's over. I felt no connection to...it. I don't even think of it as "the baby", much less "my baby"...it's just "the pregnancy" to me.

And while I'm glad I don't feel bad...I also feel guilty for not feeling bad. Like, what does that say about my maternal instinct, or lack therof, that I feel no grief or loss over this? What does that say about the kind of person I am, that I don't feel much of anything besides relief now?

And I'm pretty sure it's not shock. I mean, I feel everything else just fine. I'm just...relieved. Weird.

-Nikaia

It was kinda scary

Hi,
I thought I should move from the 'Am I Pregnant' section...I had my abortion on Tuesday. In the end, I had to go alone because my friend had a sudden change of heart and decided she couldn't support me to "kill an innocent baby". I was so shocked, confused and upset. This was so unlike her. For those of you reading this who are not familiar with my story, I am a 16-year old American living in Ireland, where abortion is illegal. I travelled to England without telling anybody except for this friend, including my parents because of their views, and our already fragile relationship.
It was scary on my own, and very very lonely. I missed home and my friends so much, I felt completely lost. I cried all though the procedure, not because I was regretting my decision, but because I felt so lonely. I know it was the right thing for me to do though. My parents would be horrified to learn I was pregnant so young, and would probably have sent me away so as not to bring shame on the family.
The nurses were kind to me, but were really busy so didn't have a lot of time to offer. After I was allowed leave the clinic, I had to spend the night in a strange city, alone, which was the worst part of the whole experience.
I've been having really painful cramps, and have actually been throwing up since yesterday. When I got home my mom took one look at me and asked me what I was up to in England - she thought I was at a concert with my friend, and assumed I'd been drinking and taking drugs because I looked so ill. She gave me a pretty hard time, and as I preferred her to think I had been drinking as opposed to having an abortion, I just went along with it. When I didn't seem to get much better I blamed period pains and she believed me, which is a relief.
I've got to attend a doctor in about 2 weeks for a check up. I'm already worrying about that - who am I going to see, what will I tell my parents?

Thank you for your support through this, although I realise many of you didn't agree with my decision not to tell my parents. All I can say is, you don't know my folks!!

-ally

This is long, but it has to be Hopefully someone understands

I had my first and last abortion last Friday morning.
I found out I was officially pregnant a month ago although I had suspected it, my period was late, my boobs hurt and I felt different.
I took the test alone. I looked at the results, numb. It was wrong, I told myself, but I knew it wasn’t.. I went home and told my boyfriend, who already had a feeling. He asked what I wanted to do. We both said that this was not the time for this and it would not be fair to bring a child into this world.
I have always said, "I am never going to have kids" "I don’t want kids" well reality slapped me in the face and gave me a baby. I was naive enough to think that it would never happen to me. It did.
I looked into abortions, the procedures, the effects, and the consequences. I had to know what I was going to put myself through. I was fine with it all, at first. As I kept reading on and my hormone levels started to get a bit out of whack, I found myself crying a lot. I made the mistake of looking at the stages of development; this made me cry even more. I did not let my boyfriend see this. I went to my ob/gyn who confirmed what I already knew. Being that he is in a Catholic hospital, he could not refer me for an abortion, his nurse did give me the name of a clinic and told me that my insurance may cover it. (I was covered 100% thank god!!) I called the clinic to make my appointment. They could have given me an appointment for that Friday (I called on a Wednesday) but I couldn’t do it that soon, I set it up for two weeks after that. I started to have nightmares of what the abortion was going to be like. I cried ALL the time. Then I tried to tell myself that I was not pregnant. I never got morning sickness, I felt nauseous two times, and that was it. I kept hoping that I would miscarry so I would not have to go through with this.

The week of my appointment came. I prayed it would be a long week; I did not want that Friday to come. Only my two friends, my one sister and my boyfriend knew I was pregnant. All were super supportive. My sister is married and pregnant with her second child. She found out she was pregnant a month before I did. Hers was planned. (I will touch on this in a minute)

I expressed to my bf and my one friend how I was slightly considering keeping it. This was a 1% of my hormonal-self that wanted to keep it. I never felt like I had a life growing in me. I knew something was going on, I tried to be in denial. My boyfriend wanted to keep it all along I think, but let me make the decision.

Well Friday came. I was not scared the night before; I pushed it to the back of my head. I was not scared on my way to the clinic or signing in. Reality PUNCHED me in the face when I was called back for an ultrasound; they give ultrasounds to PREGNANT women who have a BABY in them!!!! I asked the tech to please please please not let me see it, I could not see it. She promised that she wouldn't and she didn't. Ok, I was ok. I went back into the waiting room. I was ok. A bit teary, but ok. I was told that I was 8wks and 5 days pregnant. Hmm. Ok. Numb again. Then I was called back to give blood. The MA had my chart sitting there and what was on top of it but the ultrasound picture.. I saw it and I lost it inside. I saw that there was a life inside of me. That picture was of something that was inside of me! Something was trying to grow into a life. He took my blood, I did not cry there. I went into the waiting room and burst into tears in front of everyone. I sat with my face covered and cried and did not care. I made myself stop. I had to go through with this, I had to tell myself that this was the right thing.
Finally they called me to get ready for the procedure. They put me in a room no bigger than a powder room with a chair and a little cart of gowns. Told me how to get dressed and they would be back for me. It felt like I was sitting in there for 4 hours. I BALLED, I never ever cried so hard in my life. I almost ran out of there and couldn’t go through with it. My boyfriend was sitting on the otherside of the wall. I wanted him to come get me and say, no let’s not do it!!!!!! I know that he was scared too. I was crying so hard I thought I was going to be sick. The girl finally came for me. Saw that I was upset, said NOTHING. I was brought into the procedure room and my legs were strapped down. The anesthesiologist came in to hook me up. I started crying and crying and crying, the dr. came in and introduced herself and asked me my name and what I was there for. I was crying so hard I couldn't speak my name. I just wanted someone in that room to ask me, do you really want to go through with this? I wanted SOO bad for someone to say, “you don’t have to do this” No one did and I felt soo trapped and scared and was crying soo hard, I tried so hard to say “No, STOP! I don’t want to do this!!!” but I had no time to tell them, because IV kicked in. Next thing I knew I was in the recovery room. It was over. I felt like a piece of sh*t. I didn’t want to do it!!!! Could I wake up and start over???!?! NO!!! I went through with it! I was sitting in this room looking at these other women. None of them looked upset. I sat there and felt like the most horrible person on the face of the earth. I went in the waiting room and left. I went into the parking lot, I felt ok, just let the air hit me. I remembered what I just did; I threw up in the middle of the parking lot. Not from the anesthetic, but from my actions.

I was fine the rest of the day, not too crampy. I thought ok, its over with. The next day, I started crying uncontrollably to the point I was making myself sick. I have been doing this still. It is Monday night now. I am crying again. I saw the ultrasound. That is why I am crying. I saw that I killed something. I had a baby and I killed it. Whether I wanted to have a kid or not, I had one in me and I killed it. I was selfish. Millions of people would love to get pregnant. I was and I was selfish. I took away an innocent life in order to not ruin mine. I did ruin mine; I will think of this forever and I will never be able to forgive myself. My sister is about one month more pregnant that I would have been. When I see this niece or nephew when it is born, I will know that I should have been having one of my own shortly thereafter, they could have been great, close cousins. I will look at that child grow, I will love him/her, don’t get me wrong and I will probably take that baby in my arms and cry silently knowing that I could have one of my own. But I was selfish. I could have found a way to make it; my boyfriend and I could have made it. We could have found a way.. I chose the easy way out for me and I hate myself for it.

If you read this whole thing, I thank you from the bottom of my selfish heart. I have drowned my keyboard in tears reading some of your stories and I have drowned it again writing this.

-tootsie82

My decisions...

You guys were all right about what you said and the advice you gave, and I THANK YOU for it. It's been almost 2 months since I had my abortion, and I can't stop thinking about it! I don't regret the decision I made, I guess I just feel so alone with this, being single and away from my family. I am moving soon (closer to my family) and starting a "new life" for myself for 2006. I feel like I have this big secret that no one else knows, and I can't seem to get past that. Any advice? My opinion/outlook on dating has now been forever changed also... how do you suggest I move on?

-aquariangirl2005

poem to my angel

My angel's up in heaven
watching me everyday
i had to make a choice
and i couldnt let him stay
some people think its wrong
but it's what i had to do
i know he loves his mommy
i hope he knows i love him too.

I love you Kason Riley
-mommy

-kp

A little support?

Hello everyone. I've been "lurking" around the site ever since I had my abortion 6 days / a week ago, but I haven't posted anything until now. I'm so glad I came across this site ... it's nice to see something moderate, not pro-choice or pro-life, but just accepting. Why can't more of society be like this?

I've come here for support, I guess. I don't think I'm entirely sure at this point what I need or what I'm looking for. Nobody knows I was pregnant except my gay guy friend who I had to get to drive me. And I was just dying inside, I needed to tell someone. He is the only one in my life I have that would just support me without judging or scolding me or telling me they didn't want me to have an abortion or everything else along those lines. I feel so bad keeping it from my closest friends. Actually I only have two really close friends. The rest of my friends think I'm even still a virgin, I think. I haven't even talked very much to this friend who knows since high school. (I'm 21 now, a senior in college.) But he's the only one I could tell ...

So here is my story ...

I've been a pretty strong Christian most of my life, and I entered college swearing that I would never have sex until I was married. And then I started doubting everything I believed. Which is rather ironic considering that I'm attending Baylor, the world's largest Baptist university. (And hence it's hard to find people who are friendly towards sex outside of marriage or abortion ... ) About a month into my freshman year I met Jeremy, and after dating for a week we went to being just friends, and over time we became best friends. And then in my second semester we became best friends "with benefits". The decision to give up my virginity was very conscious and I thought about it for a long time and I have no regrets about that, except maybe that it was with him.

We remained best friends with benefits for quite a while. I fell in love, I thought, but realized that he was not in love with me, and buried the emotion. But in the fall of my sophomore year I started dating someone else, and all of a sudden Jeremy realized that he loved me. But when he found out I had had sex with the guy I was dating, he said he couldn't be friends with me anymore. I begged him not to leave me. I broke up with the guy (not only for Jeremy though, it wasn't working out anyways). At that point he asked a very important question: Could I ever have children? He has always wanted children very badly, and I have never wanted children, and have very strong reasons why I specifically do not want them. And so he said it couldn't work out. But we ended up remaining best friends with benefits. We stopped several times, sometimes because we just thought we should stop, and sometimes because he dated other people, but we always came back to each other. I was so emotionally attached to him. I neglected everything else in my life for him. I knew that the relationship wasn't healthy. He did not respect me, we fought all the time, he took me for granted, he was extremely selfish, ... and I still gave up everything. We stayed together until March of this year, and then we had a major fallout. We had had a couple of fallouts before, but this one ended up permanent, I guess. I won't go into details, but basically he slept with someone else (not for the first time), and I couldn't take it any more. I tried to stay his friend, but it was too much. I stopped talking to him over the summer. Now that I'm out of the situation, I've realized that it wasn't real love. Someone who loves someone doesn't treat them like he treated me; he only "loved" the position I filled in his life. And while I certainly felt something just as strong as love, I don't think that's what it was.

But I've been a complete wreck since then. I have clinical depression, and have been on many combinations of antidepressants ever since I tried to commit suicide in early high school. Losing Jeremy has thrown me right back to where I was my freshman year of college, when I was severely depressed and almost tried suicide again. (He was the only person who understood me. He was the only person who stayed in my life and cared for me and tried to help me, and I think that's partly why I became so attached.) I had gotten on a really good combination, except it hasn't really been working since the fallout.

In my loneliness and depression (and love of sex ... I think I'm going to go crazy without it) I had sex with my friend who was helping me get through it. The first time it was an accident. And then we just kept doing it. When I got back to school this semester I started it back up with him again. And also with another friend. So I've been having meaningless sex with these two friends, who really aren't friends ... I don't really give a damn about either of them. And they don't give a damn about me. At first I thought maybe the first one did, but I've been disillusioned. They've just been using me. And I guess I've just been using them too.

With Jeremy, until the last month or so that I was with him, I had been on birth control that my friend got me from the public school she's going to (you can't get it at Baylor). But then she didn't want to go to the doctor anymore, so she said to just go to Planned Parenthood. Except I never went. For a while I used condoms or contraceptive foam. Then I just used the timing method. Then I just got too depressed to care at all.

This summer I skipped a period, so when I skipped another period after school started, I didn't worry too much. (I hadn't had sex all summer and I had been having periods, so there was no way I could have been pregnant when I skipped the first one.) And then I got to wondering a little bit. Then I skipped a third period. I was in denial, and I never bought a pregnancy test. I just knew there was no way I could be pregnant - I hadn't had any morning sickness, hadn't been more tired than usual, hadn't had food cravings ... nothing. But I got to thinking. My breasts were a little bigger - I had thought that was because I was just gaining weight in general, but maybe not. I was rather emotional - maybe that wasn't just from depression. I had been just asking to get pregnant by what I was doing, having sex all the time with no protection. And so when it got to the point where I thought I should be having another period and wasn't, I got up the courage to buy a test. And that little line turned blue immediately. The box came with two tests, and so I got my friend, who's a virgin, to take the other one so I could see what it looked like (because the test wasn't entirely clear). When it looked different, we debated whether or not I was really pregnant. I told her I would go get a blood test somewhere to be sure. When she asked what I would do if I was, I told her there was no way I could have a baby, and she said, "No!" and hugged me. So I lied to her a couple days later and said I'd made an appointment. And then a few days after that I lied again and said I wasn't really pregnant.

When I got over the denial and decided that the test was right and that I was really pregnant, I knew immediately what I had to do. I cannot have a baby. For several reasons. I have never wanted children; I don't interact well with children; I've never even babysat. The depression is the main thing though. When I was going through the worst of it, I swore that I would never bring a living thing into this world. I swore never to give anything the risk of having to suffer the agony I suffered. Depression has a fairly strong genetic component, and I could not live with myself if I had a child who ended up with depression, for causing that suffering, and to someone that I would love very much, even if I never really wanted children. And I could not be a good mother if I were depressed, which is extremely likely. That isn't good for a child, to have a depressed mother that can't take care of them. Especially if she were a single mother, the only parent and caregiver, like I would be. And myself - I would be more likely to go through worse depression simply because of having a child. The stress would kill me. Perhaps literally. To be a mother, you have to be entirely selfless and give yourself and all of your efforts to that child, and I simply don't have that capacity. I can't give and give and give. And financially I would not be able to provide for a child at this point in my life. I haven't finished college. I don't even know what kind of job I can get once I do finish (I'm majoring in psychology and French). I'm completely in debt from loans. There would be no father around. I don't even know who the father is. And I wouldn't be able to take care of my child because I would be working all of the time. I hate to see it when my friends have single mothers, or even married mothers that work - every single one of them wishes they could have had a stay-at-home-mom. I don't know if I could afford the daycare anyways. Then there's the fact that there would be no father around. It's much healthier for a child to have their father around (mentally speaking). There wouldn't be the income, there wouldn't be anyone to take care of them if I became depressed, there wouldn't be anyone to take care of me either. Also my family, and friends, would disown me. They all think I'm still a virgin. They've already said that I would be cut off financially, and that they wouldn't help take care of a baby. I would have dishonor and lack of support, both financial and emotional. And then of course I have my selfish reasons. I want a career. I want to become a professor someday (I think). I could not have a job, go to school, and have a baby. I would never have the money to be able to build a house like I want to. I would never have the money or time to be able to travel in Europe. And I forgot to mention the brain damage and/or birth defects ... I have been drinking a lot, and well before I even suspected I was pregnant. Plus the overdose on birth control (I'll tell about that in a minute). I simply could not bear to bring such a miserable creature into the world. All-in-all, having a baby might be possible even with the disgrace and giving up my dreams and being in a financially tight spot and being a single mother and not having family support and not wanting children to begin with. But really the depression is the main thing. I don't want to pass that on. And I don't want to be a bad mother because of it. And I am very afraid of the personal agony I might suffer again. And the birth defects are the other important thing. Even with adoption, there is still that along with the depression any child of mine would very likely have. And also the disgrace I would have. All of these combined make for one very hopeless situation.

I've always been pro-choice, even when I was a strong Christian. And so when I came to terms with the fact that I was pregnant, I knew I had to terminate the pregnancy, due to all of the reasons I just mentioned. I had 1 and 1/2 months of birth control left over, and I took it all at once, because I don't have the money for an abortion. Except it didn't work. Nothing happened, nothing at all. I had started researching abortion on the internet immediately anyways, and I knew that the later into the pregnancy you were, the more it cost. And so as soon as Monday rolled around, I began calling places that didn't have their prices listed on the internet. That same afternoon I made an appointment for that Saturday at a clinic in Dallas. I couldn't do it on a weekday because if I miss any more classes, I fail (we have an attendance policy). I figured that if the birth control worked and I had a miscarriage that I could just cancel the appointment. If not, I decided to charge it to my credit card and just pay it off over time. I'll tutor people or something to earn money. I'm taking 19 hours both this semester and next, so I don't have any time at all for a real job.

The week or so before the abortion, I think I was in denial. It didn't seem real. It didn't seem like I had a baby growing in me. And I didn't feel very guilty, if I even did at all. I suppose the lack of guilt felt appropriate, considering the opinions I've always had. But in it's own way it did seem real. I finally decided talk to my friend (the one who drove me). It was partly because I was afraid to have the procedure without drugs, and partly because I just needed somebody ... I am so terribly alone. I most certainly can't tell either of the potential fathers. For one thing I don't even know which one it was. Even if I did, I couldn't tell. It's mostly to spare their feelings. And partly out of guilt. I had just lied and said I was on birth control. And and I was also afraid that they would try to stop me from having an abortion. I was pretty sure that they were both pro-choice, but a lot of people believe one thing but would do something different if they themselves were in the situation. (Except I found out later that one of them believes that abortion should be legal, but that it is basically wrong.)

I got to the clinic on Saturday with my friend. They did a urine test, then blood tests, then the ultrasound. I asked if I could see it, because I thought I would be able to deal with it better if I had seen. I don't think I could handle it always wondering, being in the dark. For that same reason, I asked them only to give me half of the sedation they usually give, so that I would be able to remember what happened. I don't want a giant black spot in my memory. I need the memory in order to deal. I was worried that they might not let me see the ultrasound. But they did. At that moment it became real. I struggled not to become teary-eyed. I realized "there really is a baby in there". They said I was at 13 weeks (11 weeks really, I guess - I'm going to ask how they count at the follow-up appointment). I was surprised it was so long. That means I got pregnant about a week after I started having sex again. That also meant that the abortion would cost $80 more - $375. I signed the credit card receipt in numbness. (At least I wasn't Rh negative, another $100.)

They sent me back out into the waiting room for a while, then called me back in when it was time for the procedure. I went to the restroom, again struggling not to let myself get emotional, and saying a hasty goodbye to the (life? baby? fetus?) in me. I'd never thought of it as real before. I'd never acknowledged it was there. And it was about to be gone forever. Dead. (I'm crying again now, as I write this.) Then I banished the emotions and went in. They gave me the sedation. I'm glad I only asked for half. I don't remember anyone else coming into the room, or leaving it. But I do remember someone walking me through the process, telling me they were putting in the dilators, telling me when the machine was going to start, telling me I was doing excellently on half the dose, telling me when they'd finished. It was actually pretty painful, even with the sedation. I lost my sense of time, so I don't know how long it lasted. But it hurt. At one point I asked for more sedation. I don't know if they ever gave it to me, because it seemed like they said they were finished just a moment after that. They stood me up and put my clothes on, and I felt blood rushing down my legs as they put on my underwear with a pad on them. They must have wiped it off. During the procedure I never thought about the baby at all. I don't know what I was thinking of. But I'm glad I didn't. Afterwards, they wheeled me into a recovery room where I sat/laid there waiting for the sedation to wear off. Then they got my friend to bring around the car and they wheeled me to it. Then we left.

We actually went out to eat that afternoon, after driving around for about an hour looking for a particular restaurant. We talked about nothing in particular, and I felt like I should feel worse about what had just happened. When we got back to his apartment, I laid down to rest and he got on his computer. I thought back to the sonogram. And I started crying. I tried to cry silently (at the same time hoping that he would notice anyways and come comfort me). But then he heard me and he did come over and held me while I cried. I couldn't even identify what I was feeling. I just saw that picture in my head and cried.

My friend went to work later, and I took the time alone to write in my journal some and just think, and cry. I had made myself calm down earlier because I didn't want to make him feel bad. But once I was alone I just let myself cry as much as I needed to. I cried about "my Baby". I cried "I killed my baby". I apologized to it/him/her. (I wish I knew if it was a boy or a girl.) I prayed to God - I prayed that it be in heaven and warm and happy and comforted. I prayed for the baby to forgive me. I didn't pray for God to forgive me. He knows my heart. He knows why I did what I did. He sees all. He will judge me or forgive me as he sees fit. I am so sad about this, but I know that it was the only choice. And I think God knows that too. This baby is so, so, so much better off in heaven than in this world. (I used to not think that God gave souls to babies that soon, but now I think maybe he does. I don't know.)

The following day I only got choked up a few times, but the couple days after that I cried more. And these last couple days I haven't cried at all, until tonight when I've been on here reading the board and writing this post. Even now though I'm not crying as much. I've just been generally depressed about it. I feel guilty for not feeling worse. I wish I had more physical pain, as payment, or punishment, or something. The odd thing is that beforehand I didn't really expect that I would cry at all. I don't know how I thought I would react. I'm not sure I gave much thought to it at all. Obviously I knew I would need to deal with it in some fashion because I knew I wanted to see the sonogram picture and only half the sedation. I ended up staying the night at my friend's place that night, and when I got back Sunday I bought some candles to burn for my baby, in memory, or in pentance, or in honor ... I'm not sure. For the couple days of school this week (only two due to the Thanksgiving holiday), I thought of the candle every time I thought about it. And I cried in front of the candle, and I laid on my bed staring at the candle. The flame, rather.

I don't even recognize why I'm feeling sad/depressed. I only feel it. This is so unusual for me; I am usually very in-touch with all of that.

I hate myself for being so irresponsible. I hate myself for creating something that the only choice was to get rid of. I want to go back in time and never get pregnant. In the future I am going to be almost paranoid about birth control. I'll never be able to think about sex the same way again. I'm not going to have sex anymore until I'm in love, though, anyways. But how can someone love me after what I've done? Although I suppose if they're like I was then it will be alright. But they'll never see it they way I do now, they'll never realize. (Realize what? I'm not sure yet.) I'm still pro-choice, and if I could go back to when I found out I was pregnant, I would still do the same thing. There was no choice. But it is just so sad. It is so terrible. I am never going to make the same mistake again.

I had a baby ... I had a baby. I was a mother. (What a horrible mother I turned out to be.) I love my baby now. I wish I could have loved it when it was still here. I wish I'd realized beforehand. (But then maybe I wouldn't have been able to go through with it.) My baby is gone. I killed it. I still feel so guilty even though I know heaven is so much better than the life it would have had here. I had a baby.

I don't know where I'll be in another week or month or year. I'll probably be just fine. But I know I'm changed. I feel so much more adult and mature. (But not in a good way.) So different and separated from everyone else. I will never think about abortion in the same way, or sex in the same way. I will never again be irresponsible in this way.

I feel so alone. People argue with me over just my not ever wanting children - they could never accept this. And I don't want to burden the friend who knows. I don't want him to feel bad for me. I don't want him to regret supporting me. I have no one. And so you find me here.

I'm sorry this is so long. I don't feel like I can take out anything, though; it is all important to why I did what I did. But just writing it has helped me.

Even if I will be fine eventually, I hope that everyone here will help me through this.

- teiluj98

Aborted Dreams

My abortion experience was very painful physically,mentally, and emotionally. I was 18 and already had a 6 month old son. My live-in boyfriend was cheating on me and was rarely at home. He was also physically and verbally abusive. Occasionally, whenever he wanted it,we did have sex. One of those times I got pregnant again. He left me all alone and my fear kept me from going to my family for help. I went instead, to my best friend who gave me $200 and told me he supported my decision to abort. I was desperate and miserable. I remember riding with a friend to the clinic and knowing that it was my selfishness that would deprive this child of his/her life. I cried silently, my private pain immeasurable. It was morning, slightly overcast, and humid. Typical of Dallas in June. When we arrived, my friend helped me fill out the necessary papers. The desk clerk was unfriendly and unsympathetic. She told me the abortion would cost $300. My panic must have been evident so she offered me a payment plan. I felt lower at that moment than ever before. I had gone into debt for blood money. To this day, that balance remains unpaid. Humiliated, I sat down to wait. I don't really remember other people waiting. My thoughts were internalized, focused on the child who would never take a single breathe. A few minutes, or was it hours later, a nurse called my name. She took me into a small room with no windows and only a small scratchy sofa against the wall. It was so cold in there. She told me to undress and handed me the paper gown. There I was naked, cold, vulnerable and heartbroken all at the same time. The doctor came in and made a weak attempt at counseling. He asked me if I really wanted to have the abortion. I told him that I knew what I was doing. "Just get it over with" I said. He sighed and took me into another room for the ultrasound. It was fuzzy and dark but my baby was there. Tiny, helpless, and barely recognizable. I knew it was my child and my heart just froze. The doctor said I was about 7 wks. along. Now after doing extensive research on fetal development, I know that her heart was beating, her brain was functioning, and her body pumped her own blood. I guess I knew it then in my spirit. My fear of a future as a single mom with two children paralyzed my better judgment. The doctor then led me to the room where the abortion would actually take place. From that point my recollections become more blurred. I was on lying on my back, still cold, and trembling. It was a first trimester abortion, so no major pain medication was given that I know of. A female nurse held my left hand as the doctor prepared my body for violation. It felt like my insides were being torn in two. I cried silently when the vacuum came on and I felt its pull. I passed in and out of consciousness from then on. The pain was still there, but sounds and smells became indistinct. I remember saying "is it over yet?" The nurse said "soon" and I drifted away again. When I woke up, I was on a gurney, draped with a sheet in the recovery room. My stomach was cramping and I was lightheaded. My womb felt vacant. There was a girl on my left and another on my right. One was still sleeping and the other was wailing for her dead baby. I knew just how she felt. That place was like a horrible assembly line, destroying hopes and dreams. The nurse returned, this time with juice and crackers. I gagged. My friend took me home and when I saw my firstborn son, I just cried and held him close to me. After the abortion, I battled depression, self-hatred and weight gain. A full year after the abortion I dragged myself to a young adults' Bible study where an acquaintance named Martha prayed with me. She had met me only once before. While praying, she said she felt led to share a vision that God gave her. The picture that she then described to me, assured me that God had forgiven me! She told of a small girl with wavy brown hair, running and laughing through a field of flowers. She wore a ruffled yellow sun dress. This child was free from scars and was full of joy. This description was extremely significant because as a small child, I had a favorite dress that was exactly as Martha described. My favorite place to run and play as a child was a field behind our house where I would pick wildflowers to give my mom. I cannot explain to this day how or why she chose to share that vision with me, but I do know that Martha had no idea that I had ever had an abortion. I finally allowed tears to fall, cleansing my broken heart and a peace I had never known enveloped me. I named my daughter Mariana Nicole and I know I will meet her in heaven.





DO ANGELS DREAM?





For my angel baby, an innocent victim of abortion. I love you.





In heaven, one mystery remains.

Do angels dream?

Lying in Jesus' arms,

Can you see my face?

Do your hands reach out for mine?

Do you, my angel, dream?

My head holds so many thoughts,

Things I would say to you.

When we meet again,

Will you see our family picture,

Wondering why you aren't there?

I know you're with the Father, the perfect family, the Holy Trinity.

All I have is this agony.

God forgave me, but have you?

When I sleep I pray to dream.

I hope you'll meet me there.

My child again, if only for a moment.

I'll wake with the sun,

Crying for you until night falls again.

Please, my precious angel, dream for me.



Christine Michelle Dunaway



This was taken from my website www.openarms.homestead.com

- sykorose

My saga

I'm one of those women who had a late term abortion. So late, in fact, that it was done the last week it could have been done. There was no medical reason other than the fact that I probably would have gone insane had I been forced to become a mother. Yes, that is what would have happened because my husband had already refused to consider giving it up for adoption. In our home state, the biological father has the right to refuse to sign a child away for adoption.



Why didn't I have the abortion earlier? I was 18 years old, had no car, no friends, no money, and my husband wouldn't discuss the matter with me. He wanted to pretend that nothing was wrong, and I was young and stupid enough to exist on denial and wanting to keep it secret that I was pregnant. I was also extremely nauseated and vomiting throughout the entire pregnancy, and I was so so tired. I still don't know if I could have turned to anyone for help and not felt pressured to keep the baby, so I'm not so sure I'd do the keeping it secret part too much differently. We lived in a very rural area, and the nearest clinic that performed abortions was 2 + hours away. When my husband finally removed his head from his behind and discussed the matter with me, I was *that* far along. We ended up having to drive 4 + hours to a clinic that performed that late term an abortion.



We argued all the way. He wanted me to keep it. The procedure was expensive and painful. It took 3 days total. What they did was insert laminaria into my cervix to dilate it for the first two days. On the third day they broke my water and removed the baby. When I was in pain in the middle of the night of the second day and couldn't sleep, DH told me to shut up and that I deserved it. I don't remember many of my emotions at that time other than desperation. I desperately did not want my life to be ruined by the birth of that baby. The aftermath? Well, my husband and I probably should have just gotten a divorce then and there. He was angry with me for aborting our child (*eye roll*). I was angry with him for being unsupportive and for not helping me get it done sooner.



We hated each other for about five years. I had no one to talk to about it since he had basically forbidden me to ever tell a soul and had forbidden me to ever speak of it to him. I thought about it every single day of my life, but the emotion I experienced was anger instead of sadness. Finally, I started posting on an abortion support board. When I was finally able to talk about it to other women, I learned several things: I'm not a bad person for having such a late term abortion, and, in fact, am not a bad person for having had an abortion at all. I can't change the past or my actions in the past; in fact, all I can do is control my actions in the future. I didn't regret having an abortion or the loss of a potential child; instead, I regretted the way I handled the whole situation, not getting things in hand more quickly. The more I thought about the whole thing, the more I realized that life is like this painting by Georges Seurat. You can't tell so much by viewing the image in the link, but the painting is made up of all these little dots, not brush strokes. If you get real close to the painting, all you can see is these random dots that don't seem to matter so much; however, if you get far away, you have this really elaborate, beautiful picture. Well, I kinda figured that's how life is in general. We all have those little sections of dots where our life sucked or where we wish we could have done things differently, but the thing is if you changed those dots or took them away, you wouldn't have the same picture.



Bad, irresponsible, and gruesome as the whole situation was, I think I became a better person because of it, and I'm grateful that I wasn't forced by law to have a child that I didn't and don't want. I can even see the point of the "gruesome and cruel" camp of late term abortion protesters. The procedure is gruesome and, probably, cruel. I know because I did it. I'm the one who has to live with it every day. You know what? For the most part, I don't feel all that bad. I wouldn't handle it the same way if the situation arose again, but as my granny always used to say about life, I did the best I could at the time, and I went on to the next thing. I often think of a young woman like me finding herself in the exact same situation, with the same circumstances, having a child she desperately didn't want. I think of the way *my* life would have turned out had I not been so lucky to have been in that situation 12 years ago and not today.



As for grief, I do grieve. I grieve for the innocence I lost in that situation. I grieve for that girl who thought nothing bad could ever happen to her, and who thought people didn't really do horrible desperate things. I look at the world through jaded eyes. I know what people are and what they can do, how desperate they can be. Nothing surprises me. Well, I'll take that back. One thing does surprise me. My fear of being in that situation again surprises me. I'm afraid of facing restrictions and not being able to obtain another abortion. I'm afraid of being as sick as I was when I was nineteen and pregnant and letting the illness immobilze me like I did back then. Every year gets a little bit better though. I've quit berating myself for not handling the matter in a more expedient fashion. I've learned about the past and how it's set in stone. I try to prevent the same thing from happening again, using the best method I can find - an IUD - and I accept that that's really all I can do.



For the most part, I like the way things turned out. Such a horrific experience really makes you grow up, or at least it did me. I became a survivor of the fates, and I think I'm better for it. Would I take back the whole horrible situation? Yes, definitely. Would I react differently if I could go back in time to the situation? No, but I would have handled it faster. It would have been cheaper and less emotionally traumatic.



Well, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it. I'm also sorry if this all offends any of you, but it is my life, and I'm not ashamed. I just wanted to offer up my two cents.



Oh, and to answer Rose's question from another thread:

Quote:

---

It seems that while you have come to an understanding of why things happened the way they did...I still sense a sort of...what's the right word...unrest maybe? in your life. It seems like you have had to just give up on a lot of your angry and hurt feelings toward your husband so that your life could move on.

---

Yeah...I did just have to let the feelings go. In Chapter 14.A of my saga (and, yes, I'm being sarcastic), I had actually intended to leave him over that and scads of other stuff. His foot dragging in the pregnancy situation was not the only time he has reacted to situations that need taking care of immediately. The foot dragging has become a theme in our marriage. It caused me a lot of resentment toward him, and I've had to learn to let go of that if I want to live here and not go insane. I think any unrest I feel has to do with fear of being in the same situation again. I'm afraid of being that animal caught in a snare again and self destructing trying to escape.



Anyway, thanks for the welcome Rose.

- runningchick

Whattodo?

Hi hon...I just wanted you to know that you're in my thoughts. I hope that you're recovering well after the abortion, and that you'll feel free to share your thoughts - positive or negative - here with us. We're still here for you.



((((((Hugs)))))))