Aborted Dreams

My abortion experience was very painful physically,mentally, and emotionally. I was 18 and already had a 6 month old son. My live-in boyfriend was cheating on me and was rarely at home. He was also physically and verbally abusive. Occasionally, whenever he wanted it,we did have sex. One of those times I got pregnant again. He left me all alone and my fear kept me from going to my family for help. I went instead, to my best friend who gave me $200 and told me he supported my decision to abort. I was desperate and miserable. I remember riding with a friend to the clinic and knowing that it was my selfishness that would deprive this child of his/her life. I cried silently, my private pain immeasurable. It was morning, slightly overcast, and humid. Typical of Dallas in June. When we arrived, my friend helped me fill out the necessary papers. The desk clerk was unfriendly and unsympathetic. She told me the abortion would cost $300. My panic must have been evident so she offered me a payment plan. I felt lower at that moment than ever before. I had gone into debt for blood money. To this day, that balance remains unpaid. Humiliated, I sat down to wait. I don't really remember other people waiting. My thoughts were internalized, focused on the child who would never take a single breathe. A few minutes, or was it hours later, a nurse called my name. She took me into a small room with no windows and only a small scratchy sofa against the wall. It was so cold in there. She told me to undress and handed me the paper gown. There I was naked, cold, vulnerable and heartbroken all at the same time. The doctor came in and made a weak attempt at counseling. He asked me if I really wanted to have the abortion. I told him that I knew what I was doing. "Just get it over with" I said. He sighed and took me into another room for the ultrasound. It was fuzzy and dark but my baby was there. Tiny, helpless, and barely recognizable. I knew it was my child and my heart just froze. The doctor said I was about 7 wks. along. Now after doing extensive research on fetal development, I know that her heart was beating, her brain was functioning, and her body pumped her own blood. I guess I knew it then in my spirit. My fear of a future as a single mom with two children paralyzed my better judgment. The doctor then led me to the room where the abortion would actually take place. From that point my recollections become more blurred. I was on lying on my back, still cold, and trembling. It was a first trimester abortion, so no major pain medication was given that I know of. A female nurse held my left hand as the doctor prepared my body for violation. It felt like my insides were being torn in two. I cried silently when the vacuum came on and I felt its pull. I passed in and out of consciousness from then on. The pain was still there, but sounds and smells became indistinct. I remember saying "is it over yet?" The nurse said "soon" and I drifted away again. When I woke up, I was on a gurney, draped with a sheet in the recovery room. My stomach was cramping and I was lightheaded. My womb felt vacant. There was a girl on my left and another on my right. One was still sleeping and the other was wailing for her dead baby. I knew just how she felt. That place was like a horrible assembly line, destroying hopes and dreams. The nurse returned, this time with juice and crackers. I gagged. My friend took me home and when I saw my firstborn son, I just cried and held him close to me. After the abortion, I battled depression, self-hatred and weight gain. A full year after the abortion I dragged myself to a young adults' Bible study where an acquaintance named Martha prayed with me. She had met me only once before. While praying, she said she felt led to share a vision that God gave her. The picture that she then described to me, assured me that God had forgiven me! She told of a small girl with wavy brown hair, running and laughing through a field of flowers. She wore a ruffled yellow sun dress. This child was free from scars and was full of joy. This description was extremely significant because as a small child, I had a favorite dress that was exactly as Martha described. My favorite place to run and play as a child was a field behind our house where I would pick wildflowers to give my mom. I cannot explain to this day how or why she chose to share that vision with me, but I do know that Martha had no idea that I had ever had an abortion. I finally allowed tears to fall, cleansing my broken heart and a peace I had never known enveloped me. I named my daughter Mariana Nicole and I know I will meet her in heaven.





DO ANGELS DREAM?





For my angel baby, an innocent victim of abortion. I love you.





In heaven, one mystery remains.

Do angels dream?

Lying in Jesus' arms,

Can you see my face?

Do your hands reach out for mine?

Do you, my angel, dream?

My head holds so many thoughts,

Things I would say to you.

When we meet again,

Will you see our family picture,

Wondering why you aren't there?

I know you're with the Father, the perfect family, the Holy Trinity.

All I have is this agony.

God forgave me, but have you?

When I sleep I pray to dream.

I hope you'll meet me there.

My child again, if only for a moment.

I'll wake with the sun,

Crying for you until night falls again.

Please, my precious angel, dream for me.



Christine Michelle Dunaway



This was taken from my website www.openarms.homestead.com

- sykorose