Hi everyone,
My name is Tara Im 20, and I am two months pregnant. I am having great problems deciding whether or not I should keep this child. I feel like I am being very selfish. Me and the babies father have been off and on for the last 1.5 years. We really do not get along and chances are he would not be around for us. He does know that I am pregnant and has not been suppportive of it at all. He is 21 years old and says that he is not ready to be a father. My parents have been very supportive of me and I am oh so greatful for it. They told me that they would support and help me with any decision I choose. I have known about being pregnant for a month. I have found myself changing my mind about what I plan on doing what seems like every 2 minutes. I have become extremely depressed and stressed out. I really do not know what to do. I feel as if I am too young to do this and that I have so much ahead of me that I would like to do and accomplish before even thinking about having children. I am also very scared of raising a child by myself granted my parents will be there for us. I feel as if its not fair to me or the child. I do plan on having kids in the future, but I want it to be with someone who I love and loves me as well. I will be honest about my feelings towards adoption. I feel that adoption is for some people but is just NOT an option for me. Im so scared and its getting worse every day that goes by. I feel as if I am causing too many problems because my mom has been getting attached to the idea of becoming a grandma and than she hears me changing my mind all the time. Please help me!!!
-tstuflick
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
Please help ASAP
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
22 comments:
(((hugs))) to you sweetie. You sound like you are going :crazy so I want you to just take a few deep breaths. LOL
I have been through your same situation 3 different times. (I am the poster child for failed bc :blush ) I made three very different choices at three very different stages of my life. BTW I am only 24 yrs old. First, if you have support and are physically able to give birth, what exactly is it that scares you the most about motherhood? Having the dad around is a plus, but not a necessity. I was 17 when I had my son and it was hard but not impossible. He is now the greatest joy in my life. His daddy was worthless. As for the fear of being too young, trust me you aren't. Another ? to ask yourself is how have you felt about abortion in the past? If you go against your personal values merely because you are scared, it can come back to haunt you later. Have you researched fetal development for the week of pregnancy you are in? Do you view this as a "fetus" or a baby? There are a lot of risks both physical and emotional that go along with abortion. I had one at 7 wks and can tell you that the emotional aspects are often overlooked until it is too late. Your happiness is of course the primary concern. However, it sounds like you are feeling pressured by your mom's desire to be a grandma. I want to encourage you to look into local resources that you can tap into. You are not alone and if you decide to give birth there is always open adoption to consider. For info on this, fetal development, (and my whole story in more detail) check out my site at www.openarms.homestead.com I wish you the best of luck and if you want to talk more about all this, you can also email me at openarms_2@hotmail.com Take care, Luv, Christine
I have just read your response and wanted to let you know that I'm very thankful for all the information you have provided. I have read other posts. I just wanted to let you know a little more of my story. I am soooo undecided on what I should do. I wanted to tell you what scares me the most about being a mother. I feel as if most of my reasoning is very selfish. Im only 20 and I will be turning 21 this March. I have soooo been looking forward to my 21st birthday and being able to go out and drink with my friends. Also me and Josh (the father) fight so much and living with the fact that he is sooo against this kills me. Also I'm very much in love with Josh which is why I have been clinging on to him. I know that he no longer loves me. Another reason why I'm scared of being a parent is because there is so much left in my life that I want to do that I just can't see being possible if I have a child. Also I'm really scared about being a single mom and how hard it will be to have future relationships with a guy that could be easier without a child. Along with that I'm scared of being alone for the rest of my life. I also would like to go back to college. Im scared that if I have a child I wont be able to do this. I think this way because I work full time and then to go back to school I would never be around for the child. I also wanted to let you know how I felt about abortion. I have never been against it. I have felt that abortion is a womans choice. Its just sooo hard on me because Im scared that the moment I walk out I will regret it and I will want my baby back. Also I have been researching fetal development through web sites. I know exactly the size of my baby as well as what has been going on with it with developments. It is also been hard because I had a ultrasound this past week and I saw my baby move around and i saw its heart beating. I also cannot go through with adoption simply because I cant see myself carrying a child for nine months and then giving it away. Also I have had a couple of family members give children up for adoption in the past and became mentally ill because of the regret. My aunt is one of the closest who has done so. I know that there were other factors in her life that contributed to her not being happy, but this was a major one. It got so bad for her that she commited suicide three years ago. Im just sooo scared I guess. I feel as if any choice I make I will soon regret. Once again thanks sooo much for your help I am forever greatful.
Tara
Wow! You really are in a hard place. I felt the same as you about not being able to do the same things as a mom that I could as a carefree single. My bday is New Yrs eve and I have been pregnant for 2 of them! Not being able to drink and party is a bummer but not the end of the world. LOL As for college, there are lots of grants available for single moms. Childcare assistance can be obtained through most states based on your level of income. This way you can work pt and go to school pt and have evenings with baby. I was able to do 2 semesters of community college after I graduated but quit (voluntarily) due to a promising job offer. I am now about to go back via internet. There are plenty of men who will love you even with a child. I know cuz I found the best one! You are so right that abortion is a perfectly available and acceptable option. Just remember one thing in all your decision making process. Both parenting and abortion are forever! One will be full of sacrifices, pain,sweat, blood and yes, lots of tears! However it is one completely free of guilt and ultimately rewarding! The other will bring pain, sweat as you agonize over the decision, blood, and lots of tears! Once we have seen our babies, we are forever connected. Don't get me wrong, I believe in freedom of choice. All I encourage is that you make the choice that will ultimately bring you the most peace. Another point to ponder is that how do you think an abortion will change your view of this man that you love so much. Society says that the man's responsibility is to love, nurture, and protect his family. Will you be able to look at him the same way if you chose to end a life based partially on his irresponsibility? I don't ask these ?'s to upset you, but only because I too had to ask them of myself at one time! My prayers are with you. Oh yes one more thing, my abortion was in 1998 and I still regret it like it was yesterday. No matter what you decide we are here for you. Love, Christine
Well Im sitting at home and I just got home from work. Once again I have changed my mind a gazillion times since. I continue to think about all the what ifs. I feel like I'm going to be unhappy for the rest of my life with any decision. After reading almost everyones post in here I feel like the most selfish person in the world. Im still living at home with my parents and I know that they would support and help me throughout this whole ordeal. I feel as if I cannot justify aborting this child. I feel selfish because everyone else has some tiny valid reason for why they should not have their baby be it financial or what not. I don't have any of these problems. The only problem is that I feel like I will be stuck at my dead end job and I simply won't be happy. I was once told that if you are not a happy and loving person your child won't be either. How could I bring a child into a situation like that. I just wish that I could at least lean towards one decision or the other, but the fact is I can't. I feel stuck! I've even sat down and wrote pro's and con's like the people at planned parenthood said I should, and still it comes back to me not knowing what is best for my situation. This has got to be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I just wish I knew what to do! :confused
I know you are probably sick of hearing from me so I will lay low after this...:biggrin From what you are saying, you seem to want to carry the child to term but are worried about your feelings of resentment toward him/her. I know you said that you had loved ones who had negative adoption experiences but I urge you to at least consider learning more about how positive it can be for everyone involved. For every bad experience there is one that is just as beautiful. I speak from the heart on this point. I had all the same feelings as you and after the initial counseling session with the adoption agency, I felt as if a huge cloud had lifted and I could finally see clearly. I might add at this juncture that my stepmom dragged me to the agency kicking and screaming. I had another abortion already scheduled but I think she sensed my inner struggle. How glad I am that I kept an open mind and at least gave it a chance. That is all I can say for what its worth....just my $0.02 Luv, Christine
Hi there,
As PP said, take a few deep breaths!
Have you done that? Good!
What makes you think you are being selfish? And what is so wrong with being selfish? This is YOUR body, YOUR life and YOUR DECISION! You have to live with it, so it should be you who makes it!
It is perfectly natural to want more out of life...it is the very foundation that this country was built upon! What will give you more out of life, being a mom or persuing college? Or how about both?
Don't let the experience of others cloud your judgement. Only you know what you can handle physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually!
Have confidence that you will take the time and energy to make the best decision considering your circumstances. Once you do that, there is no turning back. Trust yourself and know in your heart that you did what was best for you. If you do that, then there will be no regrets! Believe in yourself!!! I do!
Hi Tara,
I've emailed you a lot to go on already, so I don't want to do all sorts of typing again...lol. I'm sure you've got eye strain by now. :pinch But I did want to mention that I sense so much inner pressure coming from you. Who says you need to decide today? Or tomorrow? Or even by next week? Or next month? Take some time and breathe a little easier hon. Getting yourself worked up and frantic isn't going to help your mind focus on what's best for you because you're going to be running a mile a minute in your mind. It's easy to panic and be very emotional when you are pregnant, so this is normal, but you can really help yourself by slowing down and breathing deeply when you start to feel frantic. Remind yourself that you are worth the time it takes to make sure this is right for you!
As to whether you'd be stuck in a dead end job, that would only happen if you didn't want to change where your life was headed. Anyone can give up and not advance, but many women are able to go to school, and get the job that they truly love while raising kids. It's an added benefit that you'll have your parents to support you and your baby.
Just more food for thought. I can't tell you what to do, but I do sense a lot of fear of the unknown, and we can help with that. You mentioned changing your mind a lot. What are the things that you bounce back and forth on? We've heard why you don't want to have the baby, but why do you want to have the baby at times?
Keep talking it out here hon, you'll get closer to an answer. We'll help as much as possible. (((Hugs))))
Edited for spelling...it's late....lol. :whistling
Love,
Rose
I just wanted to say thank you. It has been so great having support from all of you. I wish I could say that I was one step closer to knowing what I'm really going to do but Im not. I am however thinking about things real hard. I think that the first thing I had a problem with when I thought about having my baby is how the father reacted. When I found out I was pregnant we had not been speaking because at that time I felt like I needed time away from him to heal and move on. I called him the first night when I found out. I had actually gone to the hospital the moment I found out I was pregnant because I had been having the worst cramps I have ever had. At first they took my blood to see if I was indeed pregnant which I was. We then proceeded to have an ultrasound. Well they couldnt find the baby, but they found a lot of extra fluids that was kinda of unusual around my pelvic area (I think thats where....lol). They said that it was one of three things that caused the fluids. One being blood from a previous menstrual period. Second was that I had a small cyst on my ovaries and it had erupted, and third that i had a tubular pregnancy. Well they told me that they strongly felt that it was a tubular pregnancy and that they wanted to have a larascopy. So they basically wanted to cut me open and take a look around. Well the doctor decided to get a second opinion. They decided that if the baby was normal having a larascopy done could harm the baby. Well with all that done I went home and decided to call Josh. I told him and he really didn't say to much except that he would go to my appt. the next day. They wanted to test my hcg levels so that they could tell whether or not I had already miscarried. Well after a week of testing it my levels had basically trippled ruling out me miscarrying. Me and Josh finally had to sit down and talk about what was gonna happen. Well he wasn't to happy to hear that I was considering having my child, but of course I was not sure. He felt like the only option was to abort or give it up for adoption. The idea of keeping the child had angered him so much that he started yelling. He told me that if I kept the baby he wanted nothing to do with us.Unless I made him pay child support. He felt like he doesnt want to pay for nothing so then he would be a part of the childs life. I feel like I was being cheated in some way, but in a way not because I felt like I/we would do better without him. Josh is a very stubborn and selfish person. He is the type of guy that doesnt like kids. I know that I would really need his help financially, but I somehow feel like we would be soooo better off without him. Also I think that keeping him in our lives could potentially make my life worse. I don't think I could stand watching him basically have a normal life and date numerous amounts of girls. Whenever we hang out we always fight. Him and my mom are not to happy with the fact that I'm constantly changing my mind. I just wish they could understand what I'm going through. Im even more upset with my mother because I feel like she of all people should be more understanding because she had an abortion at the age of 17. She really didnt get to make the decision though. My grandmother kind of forced her into it stating that she would kick her out if she didnt. I think though that this is why she is so very supportive of me. I feel like she doesnt want me to go through what she did. I feel like she has become a little upset with me over the past couple days. I think this because I have brought up abortion once more with her. I tried telling her how I felt about my mixed feelings and all she could say was that im already 9 weeks so I have to make up my mind and do it soon. I feel so pressured. I understand that its my body and I can do whatever. It just feels like a mistake getting so many people involved in this. I feel like if I had kept them all out for at least the first two weeks I would have been able to think more clearly. I just feel like if I kept this baby I would have so many struggles mainly being financial. Im scared that I will be working full time and going to school part time leaving no time for me and the baby. I dont know how I could go to school and work part time because I have oh so many bills already. If any one of you could give me more information about assistance I would greatly appreciate it. Well I should probably get to work so I guess thats all for now. Once again I thank you!
Tara :confused
Tara,
Since I'm busy all day with schoolwork and family stuff, I can't really sit and make a long reply right now... I will tonight (late). But I wanted to know what your city and state is so that I can find you some resources. Give me also the name of several nearby cities that you could drive to for assistance. If you feel more comfortable, you can email them to me at choicetolivewtih@comcast.net
((((Hugs))))
Love,
Rose
Well I just recieved a phone call from my Mother stating that she needs to be tougher on me because she has sheltered me all my life. She says that she realized this last night after our discussion. She says that she has sheltered me so much that she is scared I wont be successful on my own. I don't know. Maybe its all true, or maybe its her mad at me for debating on having an abortion. Well anyways it brought me to tears. Well I also called planned parenthood today to schedule my appt for the abortion. I go in next wednesday at 8:45 am. Im just so confused and I have less than a week to think about it. I feel like crawling in a whole and dying.
Tara
Tara,
(Hugs)). It sounds like you're struggling in your relationship with your boyfriend. Are you maybe thinking terminating the pregnancy will strengthen your relationship? If there were relationship problems before the pregnancy, this is something you two will need to talk about and work out, regardless of your pregnancy decision. You mentioned that you two fight a lot. It's understandable under stressing circumstances. But is there just arguing or more? Has he ever become violent or verbally degraded you? From what you've told us, I'm concerned about abuse. Often times people's real personalities shine through during times of crisis. How he's reacting to the pregnancy can tell you a lot about his character and personality. Perhaps it's a good idea to re-evaluate your relationship. Just know that you're a special individual and deserve to be treated with love and respect. Just some food for thought.
You know what? My mom is the same way. Often times I think our mothers want us to learn become independent and self-sufficient, but at the same time are afraid to let go and want to proctect us from messing up. It's a protective instinct. But I think you'll find that each experience in life can teach you something. And if you have courage, patience and determination you can be sucessful. You have to be willing to change your circumstances. Also it sounds like you'll have a good support system. Also, I recommend The Nuturing Network. Volunteer members form an extensive employment, medical, educational, counseling and residential network which enables a mother to continue the life of her unborn child without sacrificing her own hopes and dreams. 1-800-TNN-4MOM. Setting aside partying with friends is a small sacrifice compared to giving your child love.
You also sound like you're leaning towards abortion. Do you have any questions or concerns about the procedure?
What ever you decide, make sure your whole heart is into it. Choose what's best for yourself and this baby, not for your boyfriend, your mother, or any of us. Since you're still in the first trimester, there isn't any harm in waiting another week or two to make the appointment, just until you're 100% sure abortion is what you want, no regrets.
Love,
Lahela
Aww Tara, ((((hugs))))
Your last post just sounds like you're so sad! :crying Does it feel like your mom is telling you that you can't parent this baby? That has to hurt coming from your own mother. I think Lahela is right, she's trying to protect you. What she may not understand is that an abortion might be the worse choice of the two emotionally for you. Only you can know, but your last post did not sound like you were saying "I'm so relieved that the appointment is made!" You should be able to say that and feel it. It really isnt' something you'll ever feel wonderful about, but it shouldn't make you want to crawl into a hole and die. It shouldn't make you cry. Those are signs that your heart is trying to tell you something. Make sure you listen to it.
Sweetie, you can accomplish anything your heart is set on. You can go to school while raising a baby. You can work. You can do anything you want...and there is a lot of support - besides what your parents are offering for you. Check out those pregnancy centers I emailed you.
Quote:Im scared that I will be working full time and going to school part time leaving no time for me and the baby. I dont know how I could go to school and work part time because I have oh so many bills already.
With financial aide available to you, you won't need to work full-time. You will also qualify for child support...and I do think you should take it. Work with the pregnancy center to find out what is available to you. There's also nothing saying you need to start school ASAP. You could take a year after the baby is born, and then start up part time.
So, that's what it boils down to...your mother, who is trying to help no doubt, is suggesting that you can't make this work, and I'm suggesting you can. I can also provide you with the referrals to make it happen. I know you can do it if it's what you want. But the question is, do you want it?
We're here for you hon. ((((Hugs))))) Remember, this is your choice. Not your moms. Not your boyfriend's. Only you can know what you'll be able to live with. We're here to support you no matter what that is.
Love,
Rose
Tara,
How are you doing? Have you come any closer to making a decision and working things out with your boyfriend and mother? We do care about you and want you to make the decision that's right for you and we're here to support you, regardless of your decision.
Love,
Lahela
Hi everyone,
I just wanted to let you all know that I have made a decision. I am going to have an abortion. As you all know my appointment has already been made for next week. I feel that this is the best option for me and my future. Im not sure how I will feel after it is all done with, but what I know is that this is the decision I made and the decision I will have to live with. I will always remember the reasons why I chose to have an abortion and with that I hope that I will be able to cope with what ever lies ahead. I want to thank all of you for your advice and kindness towards my situation. Because of you I think that I have been able to open up more and realize what I needed to do. Once again I thank all of you. I will continue to keep you updated.
Tara
((((Hugs))))) hon. We'll be here for you, and if you need to vent, change your mind, explore more, or anything else, we're here for that too. What kind of abortion will you be having? You might want to read up on it on the Abortion Procedures page. If it's a vacuum abortion, you can watch the Abortion Clinic Documentary here to see what you can expect. Keep talking sweetie...it's good to do. :wink
Love,
Rose
Tara,
I will be thinking of you and hoping you are doing well. Have faith in yourself and don't be afraid to talk about things, it is the best medicine!
If you haven't already, check out the workbook pages here.
love,
dana
Tara, I wanted to chime in that we are thinking of you and hope you are doing well.
((hugz))
Quote:I will always remember the reasons why I chose to have an abortion and with that I hope that I will be able to cope with what ever lies ahead.
That's a good attitude to have. Nobody really knows how they are going to feel 10 years down the road, and the best you can do is make the best choice you can and remember that the past is static.
How are you doing Tara? Ready for the appointment tomorrow? (((Hugs))) You're in my thoughts. :wink
Love,
Rose
Hi there hon, I was just wondering if you could give us an update? I hope you're taking it easy and taking good care of yourself. ((((Hugs))))) We'd love to know how you're doing.
Love,
Rose
Hi everyone,
Sorry it has taken me so long to get back. Well the appointment went fine on Wed. I had to deal with a few protesters, but I handled it fine. I was however really surprised how many young girls were there and how they were acting. There were so many of them that had gone in and came out as if nothing ever happened. I guess I was just astounded by the fact that they acted as if it was no big deal. The procedure went as well as I guess it could. It was quite painful though, but I guess thats what you should expect. I haven't had too much regret over the situation. I still feel like the choice I made was the best for my situation. Well just wanted to keep all of you updated. Thanks for all your help I truely appreciate it.
Tara
Thanks for that update hon, I always worry when I don't hear back. :wink Glad you're doing well considering, and I hope you continue to do good. Remember we're here to talk about good feelings as well as bad, and that those feelings tend to fluctuate from day to day.
Sorry about the protesters...we don't have those here, we have the sidewalk counselors, and they are much nicer than the protesters who do nothing but yell. ((((Hugs))))
Keep us updated, okay hon?
Love,
Rose
So glad to hear that you came through ok. Let us know if you ever need to talk about anything. luv, Christine
Post a Comment