I found this site last night and it was a comfort to read posts and literature and it is the first site I have found that I didn't feel as if I was being swayed in one way or another.
With this said...I need advise and to be able to talk my situation out with other women who have been in this situation.
I am a 26 year old divorced mother of a beautiful, smart, amazing 5 year old son. I am a social worker who works with children who are in foster care. I have been dating (although fairly casually) a great guy who is fab with my son for less than 4 months. Well needless to say I just found out that I am pregnant. I thought origionally that I was only 4 weeks (last week when I found out) although since last months period was only 1 1/2 days it is quite possible I was 8 last week.
Anyway...I have always been "pro-choice" and do agree with the idea that abortion should be left for the individual women to decide. Until I became pregnant I thought that I would be able to have an abortion if I was ever faced with an unplanned pregnancy. However now that the choice is infront of me I am having an insanly hard time with the decision.
The father is very clear that he is "not ready" to have a baby-both financially and emotionally. He is generally a very supportive person, although has disappointed me greatly by his lack of support of any other option other than aborion. While he admits that he does believe abortion is morally wrong--it appears he is able to over look it--while I am having a significantly more difficult time with it.
I am raising my son with financial support from his father, but zero emotional support and my son does not know his father at all. I am worried that giving birth and keeping this baby with total freak out the father and make him take off and provide no support (emotional especially.) I am also worried about the effect that an additional child would have on my son who is used to be the only child and having my complete attention.
However I am having a lot of problems with the concept of having an abortion and on the PASS checklist I checked 22 out of the 50.
HELP!!
-mb23601
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Can't seem to make a decison
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22 comments:
Hi and welcome! I have been in your shoes. I was 21 with a 3 yr old son. The dad was abusive and I was on again/off again with him. In the process, I became pregnant again. He was not supportive emotionally or financially. I too agonized over what to do...I had already had 1 abortion and decided that was not ever going to be an option again! I chose to give birth and place my son for open adoption. Fast forward 4 yrs. He is happy, healthy, and much loved. He is able to travel the world with his adoptive parents and talks to me and his brother on the phone. He calls us his birth family, and his adoptive parents mommy and daddy. Open adoption for me was the choice that everyone could most easily live with. Many women will abort to make things easier for everyone else but themselves. I could not do that again. If you contact a reputable agency, they can provide free services and counseling to you and your son. I recommend Buckner Maternity and Adoption Svc. Dallas, TX I never thought I could give birth and then give up my baby but over time, I came to look at it in a more positive light. I didnt give him up, I gave him more! You alone know if you are capable of providing everything a child would need, and rather or not you would be able to part with that child...It takes a lot of resolve and a lot of heart...If you have always been pro-choice, what about this situation makes you feel differently? This is for sure a great place to talk out your feelings, the good the bad and the ugly! (((hugs)))
I couldn't give up a baby for adoption. I have been close to assuming custody of a friend'd newborn when she couldn't care for him. While I am not rolling-I'm not struggling financially and I feel that I would do a good job raising this child, as I have done with my son. But I know that without the father being in favor of the choice of parenting the child, that all of the responsiblity lies on me. I think my main concern is the effect on my son. While I think he would love having a sibling-which he mentions on a faily regular basis (actually 3 days before I found out I was preg he told me he had a dream the night before that he had a baby sister with long brown curly hair) I worry about the divided finances and time/attention which will be able to be devoted to him.
While I do believe that abortion should be every women's choice and legal and assesible, I think for me it comes down to if I personally believe it is morally and spiritually (I'm not a religious person) right for me.
I do feel pressured to have an abortion from the father-and from friends. My parents do not know-but I know they will not be happy. I feel like if I decide to keep the baby I have very little support.
Hello and welcome!
Could it be that the father is just trying to get you to "get rid of the problem"? Is it possible that if you were firm about keeping the baby that he would change his tune a little? Some men do change their attitudes about it when they realize how strongly the woman feels about it.
Just because you are "pro-choice" does not mean you have to be pro-abortion. You are someone who agrees with women being able to choose the right thing for them. For some, that's abortion, maybe it's not for you, and that is your choice. It does feel different when you are the person in the choosing shoes. And that's okay. Take your time in thinking this through. There is no rush. I wish you weren't feeling pressured. That would make it easier for you to take some time to relax and make a clear-headed decision. We are here to talk this through with you as much as you need us.
I think you'd find your son very adaptable when it comes to a baby. For some reason, I think God made them that way, children can adjust so easily to new circumstances. And it's not as if you're taking anything away from him, really, you're just adding to the family. Did he seem excited when he told you his dream about a sister?
I guess I would just say to take your time. And don't ignore what your heart tells you. Maybe it would help to picture yourself 5 years down the road and try to figure out how you might feel about either choice then? What if you have an abortion for this guy and then all you feel toward him is bitterness and resentment for something he made you do? What if you have an abortion for him and for some other reason he leaves anyway? Just some things to consider.
I'm glad you found us here and I hope you'll stay and let us give you the support it sounds like you really need. Keep us posted.
(((HUGS))),
Chris
I do think that if I decided to keep the baby that the father would step up and take responsibility. He has said that he would-although it would not be his choice, he has a very responsible child friendly job. He is great with my son too. I don't fear "losing him" as I am very independant and have been on my own since my son was a baby. Since we have only been dating a short period of time I would never want him to feel like I am trying to trap him into a serious relationship or parenthood that he is not ready for. But although I know how firmly he feels--which I understand is the fear talking--I can't get over that I personally feel that the guilt that I would endure post abortion would be more damanging than the challenges of single parenting 2 children.
But I just don't know if it is the responsible decision to bring a baby into the world if I know ahead of time that I will be struggling. My son desperatly (reports) that he wants a sibling--but I can't base life decisions on what my 5 year old wants Smile (otherwise we would have 4 dogs and 13 cats Smile
I also know how livid my parents would be. It has been a challenge to raise my son alone and they are contantly thinking that I take on more than I should-my tollerance for stress is pretty high, but I think they (more so my mother) would be very negative about it.
My head tells me that having an abortion is the smart thing to do as I am not in a committed relationship, I have a demanding job, and I am already the single parent of one child. But my heart is telling me that this child is already mine, that he/she is the result of my actions and is therefore my reponsiblity, and that I would be able to love her and take care of her.
I think that I am allowing myself to be influenced by the father's wishes, my friends views, and my fear of my parents' reaction-as well as my son's.
Hi again. Ok adoption is a no go. At least you have thought about it. I hate it when women feel so much pressure Mad You are so right. This is your child, your body, and ultimately your responsibility...So why does every Tom Dick and Harry feel as if they have a right to push you toward abortion??? Sorry had to vent...Back to the issue at hand. Babies really are not that expensive. They really only need basics..clothes, blankets and a bed. Do you qualify for WIC? They can provide extra food for you while pregnant and milk for baby if you choose to formula feed when returning to work. That is a free service. Garage sales and websites like www.craigslist.com can be a great source of gently used baby equipment and clothing, and even available childcare. As for you parents being upset with you, no offense but they will not have to deal with the consequenses of your decision...you will. No one else. Well, perhaps your son. I could understand if you were 16, living at home and had 2 kids but come on, youre a grown woman. I do agree that it probably would not be wise to choose based on his wishes. Does he know that you are pregnant? I Wouldnt say anything to/or around him...It is amazing what kids will overhear when you think they arent listening. If your friends love your child, why would they not be accepting of a new member to the family? I would be blunt and firm (when and if you decide to continue the pregnancy). Don't leave it open for discussion. Just say "hey, we are having an addition to the family." Period. If they flip out then calmly say "If you cannot accept my decision then perhaps we should put some distance between us for now." Stand up for yourself. True friends support your heartfelt decisions...not just the "smart" ones. Wink I hope some of this helps...
Hi MB, and welcome to CTLW. Smile You have gotten some wonderful advice already, and I'm not sure what I'll be able to add. It really seems like it comes down to (1) do you feel that abortion is okay for YOU. It really sounds like the answer to this is no. You are pro-choice, but now that you're in this position, it doesn't feel right for you, and that's what is most important. Anyone and everyone can have an abortion, but is it right for everyone? Of course not...there are some women that just cannot choose abortion because it will harm them.
Then (2) will you be okay going against BF's wishes and parenting this child. I think this is the undecided issue. Does it bother you to choose something that BF doesn't want? Remember that he is asking you to choose something that you don't want to do, and he can be here today and gone tomorrow no matter the decision. It sounds like financially you can parent, especially with child support and some further assistance if necessary. How does it look schedule-wise to parent? You mentioned that you have a demanding job...what would this entail with another?
I'm so glad you're here, and I hope you'll keep talking it out here. Try to make this choice for yourself before worrying about what everyone is going to say. You need to feel confident with your choice first...they don't. ((((Hugs))))) to you sweetie.
Thanks all for the support. I am going today for an ultrasound-I'm getting it done @ clinic because my doc wouldn't see me until 1/5 and it really matters to me how far along I am. Although I am leaning heavily towars keeping the baby, I think that it will makes friends and father happy to get the ultrasound done--like I am making some kind of decision. Usually I am a very decisive person and it is strage to go back and forth with no answer.
Oh-no my son doesn't know--1) wouldn't want to disappoint if I didn't have 2) 9 months is too long to wait if I keep 3) he has a REALLY BIG MOUTH!
Thanks again--I'll let you know how far along I am when I get back.
How did the ultrasound go? How far along are you? How did that affect your decision making?
OK today did not go as planned. Father is out of town for work and so a girlfriend of mine took me to the clinic for the ultrasound. It was down in a really bad area and it was like a back alley to get into the place. The place was dirty and a had a really bad feeling. Apparently they do a mass counseling/ultrasound appt and there were about 20 women there all with 10 am appt. I think I lasted about 3 minutes before I insisted to my girlfriend that we leave. If I can't even consider having an ultrasound there I think an abortion is def out.
Father did call and check on how the appt went and I was afraid that he was going to be upset I didn't go though with it, but he seemed alright. We have an appt for an ultrasound with my ob/gyn on 1/5. I know that I want to keep the baby--just really need to get that point successfully accross to the father. I think he will come around more as time goes on--but if he doesn't oh well.
Sadly, many abortion clinics are woefully lacking in the cleanliness/friendliness department...Funny, they are supposed to be helping women...I think you were wise to go with your gut on that one. Sounds like you are leaning more toward parenting and that is ok! Remember, even if the dad NEVER comes around, this is still your choice. We will stand by you no matter what.
I agree with Christine - you probably did the right thing by leaving that place. How awful! It will be nice to see your own doctor and be in a place that you are comfortable with. It does sound like maybe your bf is coming around. It would be so nice for you to have his support.
He most likely will come around. The thing you need to focus on is being firm when you get your point across. You can start out telling him that you hope he understands, etc., but if he starts to pressure you or try to guilt you into having an abortion, you need to be strong enough to tell him that you are not going to have him push you into something that you do not want. Let him know that your mind is msde up, and that if he doesn't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. paddle LOL Then just keep reiterating that to him. You may need to give him some space and time, and if he starts to get distant, let him be. Just update him as necessary about the baby, but don't require much emotionally from him. (I know that doesn't seem fair.) If he is going to come around, this is the best way to get him to do so.
I know you've had a bad history with your ex not being there, and I really hope that that doesn't happen again. How is the rest of your support system (friends and family) looking?
Thanks everyone for the support. My girlfriends are very supportive--although very realistic too about this being very difficult. My parents don't know. I am very scared to tell them. They live about 2 years from me. When my ex and I split I had just graduated from college and was only working part time and I relied on them for a lot of financial support while I was looking for a full time job (about 9 months.) I think they remember how much I struggled-even though things have smoothed out and are going to be very concerned about money and my son. Any ideas on how and when to tell them?
Well, if you are concerned about your parents reaction Anxious , perhaps you could put off telling them until about the 3rd month, this goes for bosses at work as well. It is usually best to not say anything until most threat of miscarriage is gone (around 3 months). Besides, you won't show much until then anyway. By then you will most likely have a solid plan in place and your hormones will have leveled out some. This can be helpful if you tend to be highly emotional anyway Wink I did not tell my mom about my pregnancy with Daniel until about the 4th month. By then I had already been in counseling for the adoption and had a solid plan in place. Better that way because of course she flipped out and tried to convince me to keep him. I was glad I waited because then I knew for sure what I wanted and what I would do, with or without her support. I am sure your parents will be joyful about a new grandchild, but probably more supportive if you seem to have your stuff together. In your case, waiting until later in the pregnancy will also probably eliminate any familial pressure to abort. Hope this helps ya hon.
Thanks--oh and my previous post should have said my parents live 2 hours from me and not 2 years from me--I hope that prego brain isn't strarting to effect me already. Smile
Good advice to wait awhile before telling mom and dad. Are you going to need their help financially this time? If you aren't, showing them a plan to do this will go a long way. Parents tend to freak out (no matter how old you are) if they think that you are going to have a difficult time, so showing them that you have a plan and feel confident and upbeat should help a lot.
As for how - I would either take them out to dinner to lay out your case or invite them over to sit down. I wouldn't do it casually...I would tell them you have something to tell them and let them prepare a bit.
Your thoughts on all of this?
When I read this last bit, about telling your parents, I had to laugh at myself mostly, I didn't tell my dad/stepmom until I was approx 8 mos pregnant even though I was in Chicago & they were in Iowa because I was not married & was living with my future ex-husband (that's a whole other story).
My daughter (she's 18) had an abortion last month & she's still physically dealing with it, they must have left some portion behind because she's still got the pregnancy hormone & is going to have to have a d&c next week.
I was asked last night at work if I liked kids, I said mostly. This co-worker mentioned that whenever there's a baby around, I ALWAYS go over & ooh & ah over it. I wonder if in his eyes that makes me weird. We are still dealing with the loss of this baby, even though it was my daughter's decision. I haven't asked her recently, but that 1st week was rough for her, she came to me twice in tears over it.
When I was pregnant with my 4th child & I knew my marriage was going to end (I had had enough), I went so far as to price abortions. Even though that 4th child has been a handful & is currently a delinquent, I love him (I just don't like him very much...that's another story).
Anyway, I personnally hope you keep the baby. Maybe your parents will surprise you & be more supportive than you think. My dad/stepmom couldn't do much to help, as they were in a different state, but when I finally made the decision to move back to Iowa (it was time to leave the big city), my dad came to Chicago with a trailer, packed it up & took us to live in their house (it was stressfull...yet another story) until we could get into a place of our own. Yes, it was like being back in High School even though I was nearly 30, but I am grateful for their help. I guess that's it for now.
How are things going hon? We'd love an update.
Hi everyone. I guess since I have settled myself in my decision, I haven't been online much. I had an ultrasound with my ob/gyn and I will be 8 weeks on Friday. BF did not go with me (it was last week,) he was really having a rough time, but things are starting to calm down. He has just been very avoidant. But this week and last weekend has been better. The due date is Aug 27 and I am working on getting excited. Right now I am just really very tierd. Luckily I'm not sick @ this point. Thanks for all your support while I was making the decision. I hav still not told my parents, and expect I'll wait @ least another month, but I'll get there eventually.
Hey, welcome back! Glad to hear you aren't sick yet Laughing If you do start getting morning sick (or all day sick) try ginger anything...ginger bread, ginger tea, ginger candy This will help keep nausea at bay! Keep your chin up sweetie, remember: The darkest hour is always just before dawn. (((hugs)))
Sometimes it takes awhile to get excited - even if the pregnancy was planned. Give yourself some time. And your bf too. Hopefully things continue to get better there. At least you're feeling good. That's always a bonus. Keep us updated....we'll keep thinking about you.
(((HUGS))),
Chris
I think most men start to get used to the idea as time goes on. A lot of them just assume abortion isn't going to be a big deal for a woman, and when it is, it's like the rug has been pulled out from under them. Wink Give him some time and space, and just give him major updates (doctor appointments, etc) until he is "with it"' again. Men process better by themselves for some reason.
Sorry you've been so tired! I remember that was one thing that I had really bad when I was pregnant. I could've sat down for a moment to rest and fallen asleep for 5 hours. Razz Hopefully you won't get sick.
Feel free to hang out on the Pregnancy Board if you're able to! We'd love to support you and get updates throughout your pregnancy! Smile Thanks for letting us know how you're doing!
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