Hi,
I've just found out I'm pregnant and am totally freaking out. I've been contemplating leaving my boyfriend for a while now, and I really don't need a baby to complicate matters.
When we first started going out he was so lovely and kind, but now he treats me really badly; he puts me down in front of others (including my family and friends), he says nasty things to me especially after he's been drinking and the rest of the time he ignores me, or uses me for sex. I haven't wanted to sleep with him for a long time due to the way he makes me feel (fat, ugly), but he puts a lot of pressure on me so eventually i give in and sleep with him (very reluctantly). Now I'm pregnant with his baby, and I'm so desperate to get rid of it.
He doesn't know about the baby, and I know he won't be happy or supportive. I'm thinking about having an abortion without telling him. I can't have a baby with him. I'm not financially secure at the moment, and I don't have the strength to have a baby on my own, or with him.
My emotions are all over the place. I've been so ill since I found out, and I don't know what to do.
-Maddie
Follow-up post: http://choicetolivewith.blogspot.com/2006/04/cant-believe-ive-made-it-this-far.html
Sunday, January 15, 2006
I'm in a mess
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24 comments:
Hey there Maddie.
It looks to me as though you need to take a step back for a moment and evaluate the situation completely.
First of all (if you dont mind me asking) how old are you?
Second of all, even if you do decide to go through with the abortion, you need to get out of your relationship regardless. No one deserves to be treated that way and there is no reason for you to stay in the relationship!
How did you feel about abortion before you became pregnant? Have you considered adoption before?
We're all here to listen and help!
Hi Maddie,
Welcome and (((HUGS))) to you. I agree with the pp that you deserve better than the relationsip you are in. You are wise in deciding that you need to get out of there.
As for the pregnancy, I hope you will take some time to think about it and make sure you're not just making a knee-jerk reaction to a terrible situation. Make sure you're making a decision for you, and not just for an easy answer to your situation. What are your beliefs about abortion? Have you thought about adoption? How do you feel about parenting? I'd encourage you to take some time to research all your options.
Use us here to talk this through. We want you to make a decision you will be able to be happy about.
(((HUGS))),
Idk how helpful I can be...but i was in a situation similar to yours. I got pregnant by a b/f and i ended the relationship, had the abortion and didnt tell him. Afterwards I felt so guilty for what I did that I had to tell him what had happened. I still feel guilty everyday for making such a big decision without talking to anyone about it. I will regret my decision for the rest of my life. Not that I want you not to have an abortion. That may be the best thing for you, it might have been the best thing for me, if I had taken the time to think about it and talk to someone about it, but I still wouldnt have talked to him about it. It is your decision and you should make the best one for yourself. Just give it sometime and see how you feel about things. dont make a decision because of the father. Make the decision on your own...just my advice.
I dont know what I can add that the other ladies havent already said...An abusive relationship is rough. been there done that. I spent 4 yrs with mr. wrong and also had an abortion with him...I feel your pain sweetie. On a personal level. I want you to try to stay Cool about this though and really think it through. I agree with KP that if you terminate out of fear, desperation or even anger "how dare he put me in this situation?", you will possibly live to regret that choice. Make an informed decision sweetie. You can leave him, and raise this baby. Or you could leave him and place for adoption. Or you could leave him and have the abortion. Try to force yourself to at least hypothetically explore each choice THOROUGHLY. This should serve two purposes. 1) it will help solidify your choice in your mind...kinda like religion. how can you know that your belief is the gospel truth unless you learn about what other religions teach. 2) Should you go through with termination, it will help elliminate the "what if" factor later on in life. You need to know that if you had wanted to parent, you could have. Trust me, I am 6 yrs post abort and I wish someone had told me all this. I think one thing we can ALL agree on is that you should put some distance between you and this guy. I hope some of this helps, do stick around and talk it out all you need too. (((hugs))))
Hiya Maddie ((((Hugs)))) The other ladies have done a wonderful job, and there's not much for me to add. It sounds like this guy is not treating you with the respect and love that you deserve. Take this one step at a time hon. Leave him and get somewhere safe/on your own. Once you've broken free from him, your head will be clearer, and you'll really be able to devote everything to deciding what to do with the pregnancy.
Each item - leaving him and deciding about the baby - needs to be a seperate decision...dealing with one first and then the other will free you up to do things for you and not out of fear or anger.
Please keep talking here. Let us know how you're doing today, okay hon? (((Hugs)))
Hi, and thank you all for replying. It's greatly appreciated.
Firstly, to answer the first question, I'm 26. Old enough to have sense, as my mother would say!
As for how I feel about abortion. Well, I have no objections, moral or otherwise, to abortion. I believe in a woman's right to choose, no matter what the circumstances. That's not to say that this is an easy time. I'm still confused, and kind of angry since this pregnancy was brought about due to abuse and pressure etc.
As for adoption, well I've thought about it, but I don't think I could go through with that. I think it's a wonderful thing to do, don't get me wrong, but it's not for me. I don't think I could carry his child to term. And I know that my family and friends would put pressure on me to keep it. I don't need the pressure. I haven't told any of them.
I understand that you think this is a knee jerk reaction - and it probably is. So that's why I'm waiting until things settle a while before I make any decisions. It's still early days in the pregnancy so I figure I can take a little while to just think about it.
My main concern is telling my BF or not. I think telling him will only make things worse. He's told me many times that he doesn't want any kids. Given his behaviour to me, I don't think I can expect much support. I don't know if I'll feel guilt later for not telling him, but I sure do feel very let down. He's supposed to love me and care for me, but he just makes me feel so bad about myself. This is my main concern - do I tell him, and maybe he'll surprise me? Or at least by telling him, I'll finally get it off my chest, and give him the chance to give his point of view (I guess it's only fair, right?)??
Or do I risk having him go nuts?
I really don't know what is for the best.
Wow...too bad he is so unkind to you. You seem like a sweet girl. I am 25 and let me tell you, age is no guarantee for having common sense Wink I am living proof of that on a daily basis Laughing I think you should go somewhere safe...is he physically abusive? Once you are in an environment that is safe you can think more clearly. Perhaps if you are afraid to tell him in person you could call him from your safe place or even write him a letter. Are you seeking his support for your abortion decision or are you contemplating parenting if he seems excited about a baby? Or do you just want him to know that you are pregnant? Some men say they dont ever want kids but then all of a sudden when you are pregnant they decide they want to buy mini vans and baseball equipment Wink However, if he cannot treat you right, then leave. That is all the advice i have right now. Abortion is a big life altering event and rather or not you have always been pro-choice is irrelevent. It will change your life forever. Not always for the bad but you will come out on the other side of it with a new prospective on things...I had mine at age 18 and initially felt extreme relief...Euphoria even...that faded though as I became older and watched my 1st son grow...I had a lot of battles with the "what if" demon and now 6 yrs later I can honestly say I have made peace with my abortion. But not until I acknowledged my baby. Not all women have such a hard time as me though, so dont let me dissuade you or offend you...just sharing my experience. Do you know what type of abortion you are considering? I know Rose has some great info here on the site. Best wishes sweetie
Hi Maddie,
I really want to stress to you to get away from this man. Absolutely no woman deserves to be treated this way. I agree with Christine to get to a safe place and then contact him. Tell him that you do not and have not deserved to be treated in the awful way he has treated you. You are special and he failed to see that. He oviously has some control issues and those will only get worse the longer the relationship lasts. So please get out now. There are way too many men out there that are way better than that.
Once you have made that break then take the time to think about your options. Think about what you see your life like in the future 5-8 years from now. How will the decision you make now affect you later.
Please keep talking to us and vent all you feelings, but please get yourself away from bf.
Hi Maddie Smile How are you doing today? Any progress?
I know I'm late in responding, but if you are fearful that he will harm you physically, then you do not have a duty to tell him face to face that you are pregnant. It's not worth the risk. Get yourself to a safe place where you can permanently be, and then call and tell him what is going on. What do you think he'll say? Do you think he won't be supportive of you having the abortion? Or did you mean just generally unsupportive of you?You do deserve much better than he is willing to give, but since he was like this before you are pregnant, things won't necessarily change now that you are. The bigger point is that he is not nice...period - not that he's going to be unsupportive of you during this time.
((((Hugs))))) Please post when you can and let us know how you are.
Hi everybody,
Thank you so much for your replies. I'm really sorry I haven't been able to reply until now. Things have gone from bad to worse.
My boyfriend found out about the pregnancy (he found the pregnancy test in the trash) and, as I suspected, he was really angry. He accused me of getting pregnant on purpose and started throwing things at me. I was really scared and tried to get to the phone but he overpowered me and then he raped me. I know that sounds crazy, to be raped by my own boyfriend - but I really didn't want it to happen and begged him to stop, but he is much bigger and stronger than me. I feel so disgusted at myself that I allowed this to happen. I've even taken self-defence classes and I believed that if any man was to attack me, I would fight like crazy. But I was confused and thought I must be imagining it. I think I just had a kind of out of body experience throughout because I didn't fight very hard at all. I just let it happen. I'm so ashamed of myself.
I left the next day and am now staying with a friend far away from this man. I'm still so confused by the pregnancy. I feel like it is just this horrible thing that is making me feel ill, sucking nutrients from me, and worst of all, it caused me to be so badly hurt by my boyfriend. I resent it a lot of the time. I've also had to give up my job which I loved. Plus, my family and friends are getting loads of hassle from my boyfriend, he's trying to find out where I am. I'm scared for them, and feel terrible that I've put them in such a terrible position. They are just so upset that I didn't tell them what was going on before. I haven't told anybody about the pregnancy apart from the friend I'm staying with.
I've just started counselling which has been SO great. My counsellor is an amazing woman and I'm so grateful. I had made an appointment for an abortion the day after I was raped, but have since postponed it. My counsellor made me see that it's not a good time to do it, and I still have some time to think, rather than just jump into it. I'm trying to imagine that it might be a good thing, a new start, something to look forward to. Something good to take from all of this.
I just don't know. I don't know if I could love a child that was concieved in such a way.
Maddie
Hi Maddie - thanks for the update, although it was a rather sad one. I'm so sorry to hear that bf is acting this way. Have you thought about getting a restraining order for you and your family?
I'm glad to hear you're seeing a counselor and that she's so supportive. She is absolutely right in telling you to allow yourself some time to work through some things.
I am praying for you, for clarity in making your decision, and for the safety of you, your baby and your family. Keep us posted. We're here to listen and help in any way we can.
Gee what a nice guy! Rolling Eyes I am sorry that all this has happened to you but there are several things to pat yourself on the back about! A) you had the courage to leave him, B) you are STILL pregnant, giving yourself time to make the right choice for you, and not necessarily the obvious one, C) you found us! I really feel for you as I have been through the abusive relationships also. My mother also...being raped by bf or husband is not as rare as we might all like to think...it is fairly common in abusive situations. You are definitely not alone in that respect. Please remember that your bf is a grown man, who is responsible for his own actions and choices. The child you now carry has nothing whatsoever to do with that. When you make your choice between parenting and abortion, please remember that. Bad stuff happens, everyone has free will. So try to exclude resentment as a motivating factor in choosing abortion. I have a friend right now who is 28 single mom with 2 kids...she met a guy online, went on one date and was date raped (drug in drink). She is now 5 months pregannt with a rapist's child. many women in her position would have chosen abortion and few would blame them...However, in her case she is regretful about what happened but acknowledges that the baby (a boy) was an innocent victim of a bad situation same as she was...She has thrown her whole self into nurturing this child and healing...The church has rallied behind her and we cannot wait to welcome this proof that God has a bigger picture. His life will be worth no less based on the circumstances of his conception. I share this story in the hope that you will feel encouraged not pressured in any way...just to show how it could turn out depending on how you choose to look at it.. No one can tell you what you should do for sure. I can just share from my experience...Adding pain to pain=more pain Bringing life and healing to a deadened heart, well it has rewards. That is what I took away from my personal experience. (((hugs)))
(((((Maddie)))) I am so sorry for all you have been through lately! You don't deserve being treated that way, and you have really started to take on the mindset of someone who has been abused. You continue to say how ashamed you are for what happened and how ashamed you are for the way he is acting. He is a big boy, and only he is responsible for what he did and what he continues to do. It is not your fault (or your baby's fault) that your ex is a jerk.
I'm so glad that you left and that you're taking care of yourself. I hope that your counselor is able to help you through this. I know it's hard to be pregnant through this. Your anger seems to be slightly misdirected though, since I'm not hearing any anger at your ex...only at the baby. The baby didn't cause your ex to do that...that was your ex just being an idiot. It's normal to feel resentment at the baby, but continue to work on this feeling in counseling, because making your choice on that emotion could really backfire later on when you have had time to come to grips with your emotions. Remember that you have time to think this through. I would also recommend that restraining order if he is harassing you or your family, and you can file charges on him for raping you, but take your time and talk to your counselor about that too. I like what Christine mentioned about turning something ugly into something beautiful...beauty from ashes.
((((Hugs)))))) Hope to hear from you again soon.
Maddie,
Thanks for taking the time to write to us. You have been through a terrible ordeal and you need to take some time to recuperate. Time is a great healer and the more time you take the more clearer you will be able to think and your decisions won't be based on the immediate after emotions. If that makes any sense.
The high school where our kids go had this wonderful woman speaker who is married with three children. She goes around to highschools and talks to the kids about abstinence. She takes this very seriously. She also talks about STD's and what to do if you find out you have one and if you are pregnant. She tells the story of how her birth mother was raped and that she was placed up for adoption and was adopted by a wonderful family who adopted several other children and she has had a wonderful life. She would love to meet her birth mother so that she could say thank you for giving her life, because she was not and never will be a mistake. She makes it very clear that her life was not an oops. You can check out her website at askpam@pamstenzel.com I highly recommend checking this site out and reading the questions, answers, and stories there.
Keep coming here and talking with us too. We want to keep telling you that you are a very special person who has had some tough knocks. But you need to remember you are not responsible for what bf does only he is!!!!
You however, are responsible for what you do. I would definetly lay down boundaries, this guy does not deserve your time and he should not be allowed to harass your family. Like Christine and Rose said look into a PPO for yourself and for them. I am sure your counselor can help you with that.
Let us know how you are doing.
Here's the link to the site Ruth mentioned above...Ruth I think you gave the email address instead. Wink
http://www.pamstenzel.com/home.html
I'm sorry it's taken me so long to reply. I feel so embarrassed but I haven't had access to the internet in ages.
Thank you for all your replies and your concern. I've taken a restraining order out against my ex - he's been hassling my family and friends so much. I never want to see him again, but I still love him and finding this very difficult to deal with.
Well, I'm still pregnant, and still so confused. I understand your concern that I've been directing my anger more at the baby than at my ex and i am working on that. The counselling has really helped with that. I can't seem to go through with the abortion right now - I feel I've been through so much trauma lately and i can't bear the thoughts of more. Still, I know I need to make a decision really soon - time is ticking away. It's hard because I can't imagine myself with a child, especially his child.
I'm also really nauseous all the time (morning sickness???more like all day sickness!!!). I've not been eating much, partly due to nausea, partly due to stress i think. I'm just pretty miserable.
Sorry, this isn't much of an update. I don't know what else to say!
Thanks for reading this
Hi Maddie...no worries about posting. Smile
I'm glad you've gotten that restraining order. I'm so sorry he's being such a jerk!
How far along are you now? Remember that you always can take the time to think this through. It's always hard to think of yourself as the mom of a baby that you can't see or hear right now. I couldn't think it through when I was pregnant with my DD. Perhaps that changes after you already have one.
Are you taking anything for the nausea? It should disappear at around week 12 or 13. Try to eat whatever sounds good to you. Peanut butter toast was about all I could manage.
((((Hugs))) Update us again real soon hon. ((((Hugs)))) We worry.
Hi Maddie,
It sounds like you're on the right track with the restraining order and the counselor. I hope you're able to work through some things with him/her. Rose is right...take your time making a decision. You've got a lot going on right now as it is, you don't need to add to that by pressuring yourself to make a decision.
Keep us updated. You're in my prayers.
(((HUGS))),
Hi Maddie,
I was glad to read your post and that you have a restraining order on him.
I am also glad that your counseling is helpful. Please continue working through all your feelings with your counselor.
If you were to continue the pregnancy I am very sure that you would not feel any animosity towards the baby after it was born.
As far as loving him. I can't imagine what you are feeling is really love. It may be more like the idea of love or what could have been had he not been such a jerk. Be strong and don't let him manipulate you in any way shape or form. Love is not self seeking, quicly angered, or resentful. It is patient, kind, and wanting what is best for the other person.
Hi everyone,
I'm sorry for not giving you an update in ages - especially after you had been so kind to reply and offer some great support.
I wanted to tell you that I'm still pregnant and I'm keeping it!! It was a difficult decision to make, after all I've been through. But I'm so happy with my decision - it's hard to explain. It just feels like the right thing for me to do. I'm not nauseous anymore (yay!) and I'm actually feeling pretty good! It's taken a while for me to get to this stage, let me tell you. I've gone back and forth a lot. I was not feeling very strong at all (hence not replying to your posts...). I think I just needed to sort things through in my own head. I'm still seeing my counsellor and have been doing a lot of writing/painting/relaxing. I also haven't seen my ex since I left him. I've changed my number and have relocated. That's been tough, but it's worked out for me. I'm happy for the first time in a long time.
Well, I just wanted to update you, I was feeling so bad for not replying. And also I wanted to thank you for helping me get to this stage, where I am.
Maybe I could move myself over to the 'pregnancy' board eh? I don't think I belong on 'still deciding' anymore...and that is so great!!
Congrats sweetie! I can breathe a big sigh of relief now...was worried about ya. Well take care and do stick around!
Congratulations, Maddie! I'm so happy to hear you've made a decision you are excited about! Do stick around so we can help you get through this. I'm so thankful that things are going so well. It sounds like you're really taking care of yourself. That is so awesome!
Hi Maddie. Smile It's good to hear from you again, and I'm so glad that things are going better for you in the morning sickness department especially. That can be so hard.
Please do move over to the pregnancy board so we can follow along with you! Smile
Maddie
A great big hug and hello to you. What great news to hear from you.
You sound so much stronger minded. We are so happy for you and I guarentee you will never regret your decision.
We will continue to talk with you on the pregnancy board.
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