You guys were all right about what you said and the advice you gave, and I THANK YOU for it. It's been almost 2 months since I had my abortion, and I can't stop thinking about it! I don't regret the decision I made, I guess I just feel so alone with this, being single and away from my family. I am moving soon (closer to my family) and starting a "new life" for myself for 2006. I feel like I have this big secret that no one else knows, and I can't seem to get past that. Any advice? My opinion/outlook on dating has now been forever changed also... how do you suggest I move on?
-aquariangirl2005
Sunday, January 29, 2006
My decisions...
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Time heals. But I know from experiene that keeping things inside is very unhealthy. Except for my husband, I kept my secret "safe" for nearly 30 years. It was a very lonely place to be. I urge you to keep coming here.
(((HUGS))) I'm sorry you're feeling so alone. I'm glad you came back to talk about it. Some of the other women have said that allowing themselves to grieve for the loss they experienced helped a lot. Some have named the baby, or had a memorial service of sorts (privately, of course) to help with closure. Maybe it would help to find a counselor to help you work through some things if you want to keep it private. I'm sure a new town, new job, different environment will all help with your new start and that will probably help, too.
Let us know how you're doing.
New starts can be a good thing but also remember that an abortion is forever. It will forever be part of who you are, the woman you will ultimately mature to be. As long as you arent running away from it you should be ok. Embrace it, embrace your child and healing/freedom will come. It has taken me 6 yrs to fully come to terms with all the details surrounding my choice. Even if you don't regret it, the simple truth is that abortion causes some level of loss for every woman. Acknowledging that can be healing in itself. I agree with the PP sometimes a memorial, a letter written to the child, naming him/her and releasing them to your higher power etc. can all be healing experiences also. Best wishes, Christine
Hi hon Smile Thanks for the update. It's pretty normal to think about the abortion. Like Christine said, it is a loss of some sort, no matter what your beliefs are. When you think about it, what sort of feelings do you feel?
Moving and restarting can feel really good, but having a secret and dwelling on something that no one else can know about can be a hard thing. How are you thinking you'll deal with this?
Depending on what your feelings are, maybe we can give you some advice on how to handle them. Wink ((((Hugs)))))
PS - Thanks for the card!
Thanks everyone...
You ask how I'm dealing with all of this and what am I feeling? I'll start by saying that I am not moving to avoid anything, that it is for other reasons. I have put together a journal/diary of everything including photos and anything/everything else I had. I know I'll share this with the person I eventually share my life with!
I don't think I have any certain triggers that make me think of things. Lately I've had more time to think, since I'm moving this week. I just had my birthday and was around family I haven't seen in a while. My aunt mentioned that my cousin is expecting and we both were due the same time! It was hard for me to not tell her, or not mention it to even my grandmother. I feel that this has to stay a "secret."
So in terms of dealing with all of this, the journal is my way of "venting." I also have the people who know about this to talk to, they listen. I think moving will be a step in the right direction for several aspects in my life.
What am I feeling? I mostly feel sad and somewhat disappointed. I've had so many different thoughts, even though I'm not emotional. Physically, things have got back on track, so to speak. It's hard to believe that one day I was pregnant, and the next, I wasn't. It was almost like it never happened, but it did and I will not dismiss it or ever forget.
As far as dating goes, I'd love to find Mr. Right... I just know I'll have to do things differently than I did. I feel almost "turned off" of men and hope that changes.
I feel like I'm dealing with this and moving on, maybe it will just take time?
P.S. Rose, you're welcome!
There is one thing I just don't understand about American culture. People from all walks of life support abortion on demand. We, as women, are told from the earliest age that it is our body, our choice. Abortion is often touted as being the next best thing for women's lib since fitted sheets! (Women used to iron their bedsheets! Shocked ) And now, this double standard appears! You are encouraged, applauded even for choosing an abortion, for being mature, responsible etc. etc. But as soon as it is over, you are abandoned, left to your own misery with little or no support. We are not allowed to come forward and share our pain, nor are we encouraged to acknowledge our loss. We are simply told to move on, that it was our choice. Mad Why should it be a dirty little secret? Why should we hide? I will admit that not every woman regrets her abortion or suffers great pain from it. But for the majority of us aborted women, there is in fact a great feeling of loss. Don't get me wrong, i am all for women having the choice available. However as a society, if we are going to extend a choice, we should be held accountable to support the woman as a result of having made said choice! Regret and remorse are not the only possible side effects of an abortion. There are physical risks as well. There are women who won't even tell their own doctor about a previous abortion. I was one of them until recently. It is of vital importance for your obgyn to know! No logical person would fault a woman for having physical or emotional complications from a typical surgical procedure, or a natural termination of a pregnancy i.e. miscarriage, but if you have emotional issues after a legal choice, you all of a sudden it becomes something to be ashamed of. Why? Please hear me ladies, I am NOT questioning the rightness or wrongness of the abortion itself! I am merely posing the question as to the lack of acceptance to women who have chosen it. I would like feedback here... What do you ladies think about this? There are support groups, highly visible ones at that, for everything else under the sun! AA, NA, etc.Those can be found in your local yellow pages, but where are the mainstream resources for us?
I agree with you wholeheartedly, Christine. Just out of curiosity, I checked my local yellow pages for post-ab support and there were a few listings under abortion alternatives, mostly from PRC's. Interesting. I wish our church was available to more people...we have many people in our church who are very supportive and would love to help. In fact, our pastor just had a sermon on it last week.
The affects of alcohol etc. can be pretty obvious sometimes but with abortion it's not at all obvious and its not exactly the thing that comes up in every day conversation so I'm afraid that its going to be a slow process of awareness and change. But it is happening with the help of sites like this. I was so glad to see that the person who started this post has continued to come back. I want to express to the ladies who have responded, Chris, Christine, Rose and I appologize if I've missed anyone, that I've been quietly observing for a few weeks and am totally impressed with where your hearts are at. Whatever beliefs someone has there is ussually something to deal with whatever your choice( I don't know if that makes any sense at all,) but the fact is we all need eachother more than ever. Unforunately there are many good, well intentioned people who will not understand and that is sad,but I think that is changing. Thanks for having the courage to reach out and thanks for being there for those who reach.
Thanks Lilly for the kind words Very Happy They mean a lot. I don't think any of the ladies who post regularly would ever judge a woman, no matter her choice. We really do want to support and uphold the hurting. I truly do pray that the tide is turning and that society will soon recognize the abortion wounded just as they would anyone else. I don't advocate removing freedom of choice, but I do want to see equal acceptance and understanding. For some women, it truly was/is their choice and I applaud them for being strong enough to make it. However, so many women were bullied, manipulated, coerced, or forced even, into a "choice" that was never really theirs. These are the women who I am concerned for, and for whom we must pray.
Yes, I do agree that there is very little in terms of support for post-abortive women, and a lot of that is politics, which is unfortunate. I read something recently where a woman had her breast removed, and the doctor counseled her that it was normal to grieve that loss. That some grieved the loss of a thyroid gland, a leg, etc. If those can be lost and need time to grieve, why not a pregnancy?
Lilly, it's nice to meet you, and I'm glad you enjoy it here. I think you'll fit right in, and I hope you stick around. Smile
::::: Steering this big boat back to Aquariangirl ::::: Laughing
That would've been very hard to deal with your cousin's pregnancy. Often times, a situation like that makes the loss feel all the more real, especially when those around you can't know about it. I'm glad that you have the journal. For some, writing is a great way to work through feelings. If there is ever something that you've written that you would like to share here, you are welcome to do that. It's great that your friends will listen to you, but depending on their personal lives, they may not understand what you are going through as much as we might.
Sad and disappointed. Yea, those feelings are okay to feel, although they do not feel okay. It often varies from day to day as well...even hour to hour. Some days, you'll be more apt to put on a happy face and tell yourself to stop being silly. Other days, the pep talk won't work, and you'll just feel like beating yourself up about it. Neither of these extremes is good, however. You're right - it will take time, and the hope is that you'll come to a balance where you will know that you did suffer the loss of your child but at the same time know that you deserve to be happy. People have different ways to get there. Self-exploration. Spirituality and faith. Time. Etc. You just need to find what works for you. A good post-abortion counselor will be able to help you do that, and I would be happy to locate one for you if you like. In the meantime, there's this board, and you can also email myself or the other members here any time you need a little pick-me-up/hug/encouragement.
(((((Hugs))))))) Hang in there hon, and keep posting!
Christine,
I totally agree with you that there are not enough support groups for women dealing with the emotional aftermath of having an abortion. My best friend in the world had an abortion, and shortly after took her own life. Her family has now made it their mission to educate and support women who have made this difficult choice. You should check out their website. www.stacyzallie.org.
Jen
Thanks Jenmac... wow, I'm sorry to hear about your friend. I'll look over the link, and thanks again.
That's a touching link Jenmac shared...
Well, tomorrow is 2 months since I had my abortion. I'm not really keeping track of times or dates, although it does bother me. I keep having feelings of sadness and stuff. Like I already mentioned, I just feel like I have to watch what I say to everyone.... this is my secret.
I have moved, and been in my new place for a week now. I'm going to see what options there are for me here for b/c. I have to decide about getting a new Dr. in town, or seeing my old one who all my family also goes to. I'm thinking hard about that.
I think I'll feel way better when I actually meet someone I can include in my future, so I can share this with him.
I don't feel that I need to speak to a counsellor or go to a support group. It will just take time I suppose. I've been around my 6 year old nephew a lot this past week, so it's probably had me thinking.
I don't have many people to talk to about this, really. Sad
Just remember that seeing a counselor doesnt make you a weak person. If you had a bad cold you would see a dr. and no one would fault you. You just terminated a pregnancy which physically, emotionally, and hormonally is way more difficult than your average common cold. Wink Time is a great healing agent, but sometimes the stress from keeping the "secret" can damage us more in the long run than the abortion itself...Just food for thouhgt. (((hugs)))
Hi Jenn...sorry it's taken so long to reply. Confused
Gosh, it just sounds to me that you are really needing someone to talk to about this (between this post and your new one), whether that is a friend, boyfriend, or family member. I forget - does anyone else know? Friends? Etc? I don't know if meeting someone and sharing this with them will really get you over it, but I can understand just needing to share the burden with someone...someone that cares about you and loves you.
(((Hugs)))) You just sound...so....lonely. Sad I know you're a strong woman and all, but it just sounds like you need a friend. We're all here to talk with you, and you have my email address. You're welcome to IM me any time as well. If you can't find someone close to you to talk to about this, a post-abortion counselor can help you by just letting you talk when you need to. My friend is a PA counselor, and she is very laid-back...meets women for lunch, etc., and just chats now and then. I wouldn't recommend a group for sure. But a one-on-one friendship might be nice.
Post again soon.
Thanks Rose...
I am seeing my old family Dr. Thursday. All my files/reports from my previous Dr. are being sent over about everything in the past 5-6 years.
You are right about me being lonely. I've been single for a couple of years now, and feel "limited" with what I can really talk about. I can talk to my cousin, yet I feel like everytime I open my mouth, it tears her up inside. She has children and questioned me right up until the very end of things. My Mom doesn't know what to say and my friend considers this all over and done with. I've been re-introduced to old friends I had in high school, now that I moved. It's tough knowing I have this secret, and I almost slipped with it. Silenced
I am seeing my Dr. to find out what is available where I live now. He should be able to give me some direction. I know not everything is easy in life and that time needs to pass. I'm trying to be busy with work, and visiting friends, etc. and it's putting off my thoughts of all this.
Some moments are worse than others, I guess that's normal though. I'm sorry I do feel a bit down and lonely, all a part of life... as are the exciting happy times.
I'm glad you'll be checking into what is available locally. Remember that we can do that for you as well. Just click on the "Find Assistance" link on the homepage and fill in the form.
I think that issues relating to abortion have a tendancy to be something that doesn't necessarily fade with time. Sometimes they do, and sometimes they don't. The times that they don't, you'll need to do some thought-processing and have some outside emotional support to work through things.
(((Hugs)))) You're in my thoughts and prayers.
Well, I haven't posted here in quite a while... I've been thinking of everything intermittently over the past little while. I know I've been around women that are due around when I would have been.
I've started a relationship with someone (it's been a couple of months) and I'm finding it really tough to keep this all a secret. I know it's way to early to say anything and I believe I'll know when the time is right to tell that special someone I share my life with one day (it may be him, maybe not). He was adopted, so that's made me think more too. His Mom was telling me a couple of days ago what it was like to find out they had a baby boy for them. I teared up right away too, as she did.
I feel like I'm rambling on a bit. I'm just feeling a bit sad and my family just moved away from me (after I moved closer to them). I don't have many people to talk to about this...
A part of me feels like I was a bit rushed into my decision and I know I'm still fighting my emotions... Anyone have any words of advice/encouragement for me?
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I know I've been around women that are due around when I would have been.
This can cause some emotional upheaval...been there done that Wink
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I know it's way to early to say anything and I believe I'll know when the time is right to tell that special someone I share my life with one day (it may be him, maybe not).
Only you can decide when you feel it is safe to open up. As someone who has been there before, it is hard to say when is too soon or too late KWIM? Abortion is a big hot button and I would say that when you begin to feel like this relationship has long term potential, perhaps then would be a good time to tell him. An intimate relationship has to be built on trust and if you wait too long to bring it up, then he may be angry that you didnt tell him. Not that his feelings are more important, but hypothetically if he were to propose, would you think it fair to marry without him knowing? I have a similar story but not about abortion. My husband and I knew eachother for years b4 we got married and both of us have a very hellish past. 3 months after we got married, he broke down one night, bawling and told me he had slept with several prostitues in Thailand during our engagement. (He was deployed at the time). I was crushed...Scared about STD's, upset that he had been unfaithful etc. We were able to work through it and are stronger now because of it, but some things are better revealed before you get to the altar LOL Laughing It might be good to tell him about your experience for two reasons, a) if he is understanding and supportive you will have one more person to confide in when you are feeling down and b) if he reacts with disgust, you will know that he is NOT worth your time! Again, only you will know when it is the right time.
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I know I'm still fighting my emotions...
Don't fight em sweetie, embrace your emotions and work through them. It is a long painful road, I won't lie. But we are here for ya and if you ask Rose, she can find you a counselor nearby who is experienced with PA women. Keep your chin up, things will get easier with time. (((hugs)))
There will be ups and downs for a long time. We'll be here for all of them when you need us. (((HUGS))) Maybe it's just my need to be able to talk to people about things, but when I met my husband I told him pretty soon into the relationship about everything that was part of my past. I guess I figured if he couldn't accept it, better to know right away. I'm not saying that's always how it should be, but that's how it worked for me. Take care of yourself, and best of luck with the new boyfriend. I'm sure it would be a huge comfort to have someone right there you can talk to.
Hi hon. (((Hugs))) How are you feeling today? I agree with Christine that it could be beneficial to tell him now, but that is totally up to you hon. Do you know how he feels about abortion? That might help (or not).
I'm definitely worried that you're burying your feelings only because you don't have anyone to talk to about them. That won't help you in the long run, and I'd encourage you to let us find you somewhere to go hon. That, and keep talking here.
Wow, it's been over a year since I had my abortion, and I'm still having "waves" of emotions. My best friend is now pregnant and is due a week after I was the year prior. I just got her ultrasound pictures and it really tore me up inside. She's married, I'm single. I feel a bit jealous of her situation and keep thinking what could have been. I'm not sure if I'll ever get over what may have changed my life forever. Any tips/advice?
Hi there...I'm so glad you posted again. I've wondered how you've been.
Does your friend know about the abortion? If so, it might be helpful to just say "I am so happy for you, but it really sometimes hurts when I think about what I could've had." That way she might not rub it in your face as much as she might otherwise. Otherwise, if you'd just like to deal with it on your own, there's no sure-fire way to fix it. I'd hate for you to dread speaking with your friend because you don't want to hear about the baby. Do you journal at all? Maybe pouring out your feelings into a journal might help. Just also keep reminding yourself that good things can and will come to you as well...that this is her time, but your time will come soon. ((((Hugs)))) I can imagine this is so hard to deal with. Update when you can.
Hey hun,
i want u to know that ur not alone and if u ever need anyone to talk to, me and many others on this site are here to help. i cant quite imagine the emotions u most be experiencin with ur friends pregnancy...i know for me, some days feel impossble n i cry about it, whereas others it almost seems perfectly normal again. i agree that if u can talk to her about it that might help but i also know how heartbreaking it is for me to even mention it to someone, i'll be thinkin of u
Thanks for your replies... yes, my best friend knows all about what I went thru, and didn't/hasn't let me talk much about it. She figured the abortion was just something I had to do, and to move on. Harsh, I know... I look forward to having a family one day and hope I can find the words to say!
Each day is a new adventure...
(((Hugs))) Well, some people just don't understand the complexities of having an abortion, do they? I'm sorry your best friend won't let you talk about it like you need to. Feel free to vent here any time hon.
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