I just found out earlier today that I am pregnant, about 7 weeks along. I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year and a half. I'm young, only 20, and in my 3rd year of college. I love my boyfriend very much, and i know he will be supportive in my decision, whatever I do decide, but how do i tell him?
We constantly talk about how after i graduate we want to buy a house and get married, but we both dont want children for a long while yet.
How do I tell him I am pregnant? This news is going to crush him. Is there any advice out there that can make this conversation easier on me and on him?
-Lilly16
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
How do I tell the Father?
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Well, i wouldnt assume he will be devasted...A change of plans is not always such a bad thing. Having a child together will complicate things but doesnt make achieving your dreams impossible. Perhaps if you take this as a positive development (no pun intended Wink ) He will be more likely to take it in stride. How do you feel about the pregnancy? Are you just afraid of the inconvenience but would love baby anyway? or are you dead set on meeting career/education goals first? Also to consider, we never are guaranteed tomorrow. All our carefully laid out plans could be altered from moment to moment. What do you think your feelings would be if 10 yrs later on, you and he had trouble concieving? Would you have regrets? One cute way to tell is to go do laundry togethre and plant a baby outfit in the dryer and make sure he folds that batch...Or you could write him a letter. Or you could go buy a coffee mug that says worlds best dad...you get the idea...if paternal feelings are what you want to encourage that is...Seriously though, just be honest and perhaps you are fearing needlessly. Many men are adamantly against rugrats but the minute the test comes positve they want to run out and buy an SUV and sporting equipment! LOL Does any of this help?
Hi Lilly,
Welcome to CTLW Smile
It sounds like you are a very motivated young woman, and from the looks of it, you have a committed relationship with this guy. These are good things in a woman your age. Wink
I guess I need to know more about how you feel BF will react. You mentioned he won't be thrilled, but will he be angry? Sad? Is this a remotely happy thing for you? In other words, do you want to tell him in a cute way? Or a serious way?
If you're worried that he is going to freak out and yell or not listen to reason, etc, you can always invite him out for a quiet dinner and tell him there. That way the two of you have to have a rational discussion. Warn him beforehand that you have "something to talk about" so that he isn't totally off gaurd. Have you formed an opinion about what you want to do? Are you considering abortion, adoption, or parenting primarily? Knowing that beforehand will also help you to direct the flow of conversation.
((((Hugs)))) I'm sorry that you have to deal with this, but I'm glad you found us. Remember that you just found out...you're in shock. He will be when he hears too, but shock wears off.
Rose is right...you are in shock, and he will be too. I think a private conversation somewhere is good...If it were me I'd avoid a public place b/c I'd start bawling or something. Let him know that you haven't made a definite decision, that you want him to be included in the decision if he wants to be. Most of all, give yourselves time to seriously think it through and consider all options.
(((HUGS))),
Chris
Thank You guys so much for your advice. I'm still in shock I think about the whole ordeal.
My boyfriend i think is going to be just as in shock as I am at first. I truly think that he is going to be happy with the fact that we have created a little life together, but I know that neither of us planed for this to happen, and that we both feel that we are not ready for this stage. I want to tell him in a serious way, mainly because to me, this isn't really a funny situation.
Currently I'm leaning towards abortion, for a number of reasons. But I know I wont be able to make a decision untill I do tell my boyfriend. Unfortunately, I have a very difficult family situation right now that would make raising a child very difficult to almost impossible. As well as school, currently being in debt because I'm paying for my own school, as well as not working right now...timing isn't good.
I've always thought that it was a womens right to choose what she wanted to do with her body, but now to be in this situation, I am worried that I'm going to regret that decision for the rest of my life.
I wont see the Boyfriend till Friday, and I know i wont be able to think of anything else untill then other than how to break this news.
Help!
I guess I'd suggest letting him know you have something that you need to talk about and find a quiet, private place to do that. Somewhere where neither of you can get distracted and is private enough that it's okay to be emotional, if that happens.
It sounds like he'd be happy about and that you're thinking you'd regret the decision to abort. Is this right? Talk it through with your bf, but don't ignore what your heart is telling you. It would be difficult to add a baby to your life right now, but parenting, if you really want to, is never impossible. There are people, agencies, whatever that can help you in almost any way you can think of. We can help you find those places if that's what you decide to do.
Let us know how it goes. I'll be thinking about you.
(((HUGS))),
Chris
It's great that he is going to be able to be happy about this. So many men are upset and even outraged at the news. I'm glad that you won't have to deal with that.
Telling him really isn't the hard part. Let him know you have something important to talk about beforehand. When you can, sit down with him privately, take a deep breath, and just let the words fly out of your mouth. That way that part is done and you can move on. I'd imagine the harder part might seem to be what you'll say next. Right? Do you tell him you want an abortion? Or do you wait to see what he says first? Do you start bawling and tell him you're scared? Or do you put on a strong face? Those would be the questions I'd be thinking about anyway. How about you?
What is the family situation if I may be so bold as to ask? You don't have to share, but sometimes it helps. Remember that the situations you are in today will not be the same in 9 months, in 1 year, in 2 years, and in 5 years, etc. Things are crappy right now, but they will get better in time. You can't make a decision based on the short-term situations around you.
There are agencies, etc., that can help with finances and even jobs so that you can continue your pregnancy. It's best to leave no stone unturned. Wink I know that sometimes when I get in a difficult place, I tend to say..."Ugh...there's just too much against me right now. I didn't plan for this. I just can't do it. It's too much work." Well, let us help take a lot of that work off your shoulders by helping you find help in these areas and supporting you through the tough times. Don't throw up your hands in surrender just yet. Wink
((((Hugs))))) It just sounds like you're feeling "pushed" in this direction by invisible forces of timing, finances, and other situations that are out of your control. I don't want to see you do something that doesn't sit right in your heart and soul.
Write back soon!
Hi Everyone, Thanks again for letting me vent out all my frustrations to you. It's really helping.
As for my difficult situation, my mother was recently diagnosed with cancer. Although the dr. caught it early enough, she still has month and onths of chemothereapy, radiation treatments and steroids to take, and then eventually will have to undergo a bone marrow transplant. Currently, I a my moms power of attorney, which means not only will I have to deal with any last arangements should the time come, but I am also legal guardian to my 13 year old younger brother. The last couple of months with my family has been extrmelly hectic and stressful. Because of my moms illness, we are selling our family home, and my mom is moving into a small apartment/house for her and my little brother. Also, because she needs constant help, I have been balancing my time by going to school an hour and a half away, durring the week, then going home everyweekend to help my family (and see the boyfriend). Also, my father passed away when i was very little, so that is also a lack of stability. So I'm afraid these issues, possible raising a 13 year old, is going to be in the picture for a while yet.
But as for the questions you brought up, What do I tell hi next? Thats exactly what I'm thinking about. I know he loves me, but I'm still worried that if he wants to have the baby, that me talking about terminating the pregnancy will upset him. But at the same time, I dont want to start talking like I'm assuming that we're going to keep it, because I dont know how he truly feels. Personally myself, I'm still a little scarec and unsure. I know if we do decide to have the baby, that he'll be there with me through everything, but I'm not sure I'm physically and emotionally ready to be a pregnant student, with no job, let alone no career.
I know I'm rambling and probably not making sense, but right now it jsut feels so good to get it off my chest.
I only found out on tuesday, and then met with a nurse/councillor on wednesday to talk about the possibility of abortion, and now today (friday) I'm on my way to get my first ultrasound done to find out how along I really am. I'm crrently trying to cram as much water as I can into my body, which is a struggle considering that I'm already feeling bloated and a little nausea this morning. I'm almost scard to look at the screen, because I know know if I'll be able o controll myself when I see the little one. (even know its too early to really see anything)
Also, tonight is the night that I will see my boyfriend and have to tell him the news. So I'm nervous and excited.
Wel there is my update for today. Wish me luck!
Thanks Again
Good luck tonight as you tell him. (((hugs))) I just want to remind you that even though things seem so tough right now, keep this in the back of your mind. The darkest hour is always just before dawn. I am sorry that your mom is ill Sad I don't know what I will do when I have to face that in my own life. My one thought is this. Perhaps having a grandchild could give her that extra edge, the will to fight, and joy even. The thought of raising a teenager is nerve wracking Shocked but why not cross that bridge when you get to it? He could even be a great help as a young uncle...(think free babysitter Wink ) Your circumstances can change from moment to moment and I feel that making such a big decision should be more about what your heart wants and not so much what your head tells you is the "safe" thing to do. KWIM? Where there is a will there is a way. As for what to say after dropping the initial bomb? I think perhaps not saying anything would be good...just watch his reaction, see what he says. Go from there. As for the ultrasound, are you concerned that you might see the baby and become bonded? I saw my ultrasound at 7 wks and it looked kinda like a peanut. I guess all I would advise you to do is to take this one step at a time and not choose out of fear. If you and he decide to terminate, then let it be because you just don't want a child right now. NOT because you are afraid of not having enough resources or not having enough time etc...Those problems can all be addressed in due time. Make the choice on its own merit so you will never have to deal with the "what if" demon. Best wishes,
I agree with Christine. Just wait and see what his reaction is. I'm also sorry to hear about your mom and having lost your dad. I lost my dad to cancer about 6 1/2 yrs ago. That's rough. My daughter was born about the time my dad got sick, and she was the thing that brought us closer together. She was the light of his life for the last year or so. Maybe it would be that way with your mom?
If the only things you're concerned about are material: money, clothes, food, etc., I would dare say that most people would never have children if they waited until they had all the "stuff" they needed. There's a way to work those things out, and we can help you find places to help.
Good luck with bf tonight and with the ultrasound. Let us know how it all goes.
(((HUGS))),
Chris
Lilly,
I have just read all the posts. I really don't have anything new to ad to what the other woman have said. You have probably told your boyfriend so I can't really tell you anything there. I just hope it went well.
Having an intimate relationship with someone outside of marriage always leave the chance that an unexpected pregnancy can happen. Now that it has you and your BF need to decide what the two of you feel is the best thing to do. From the things you have said it sounds as if the two of you have a good relationship and that you care deeply for each other. Sounds like your baby would benefit from that love. OR maybe the two of you would together feel it was best to find an adoptive couple that would give your baby a wonderful loving home.
I just heard this story this week from my friend. A young girl found out she was pregnant, she knew she couldn't have an abortion. She gave birth and agonized over whether to keep the baby or not. Knowing she couldn't give the baby everything she (it was a girl) deserved financially and emotionally, she placed her up for adoption. She found a wonderful couple and asked if they would give her the middle name Mckunna (which means gift in Hawaiian) They liked the name so much, they asked if that could be her first name. Because she was a very precious gift to them.
They invited her to come a day over Christmas break (this was an open adoption) and they found out that the birth mother's sister went to the church where they (adoptive couple) are youth group leaders.
This is only one example of a beautiful ending to a what seemed like a never ending dark moment in this young girls life. She now has peace that her baby is alive and well and loved.
As far as schooling and future, Christine is so right. Plans change from moment to moment and we may think things will go this way or that, but one day can change everything. Your mom's cancer is proof of that. And for that I am truly sorry.
The best to you and your BF. Talk about how each of you feels and how you want to feel about this in the days and years ahead. Not just the now.
Love and prayers,
Ruth
Hi hon...thanks for sharing about your mother. (((Hugs))) I'm so sorry that she is having to deal with cancer. I'm glad they caught it early enough, and it sounds like with a lot of rough treatments, she will pull through this, is this correct? I had to do a lot of similar things when my father passed away 4 years ago. I was the power of attorney, going to school then, and spending most of my time with him. I had to move in with him before he passed away. It's is a stressful thing to deal with. Hopefully you won't need to deal with the big decisions at this point because her cancer will go into remission.
I hope that your talk with BF went well! I'm too late to give any more advice on what to say. Wink I can't wait to hear about it and about the ultrasound. I hope you were able to look at the screen...it sounds like it might help you make a decision. I think that if you are honest with him that you aren't sure what you want just yet, that will probably be the best thing to do. (((Hugs)))
Hi Ladies
Thanks again for all the best wishes.
This weekend, was actually the best weekend my boyfriend and I ever shared together. I told him on the Friday night, and he was very much in shock. But together we talked through it all, and all the possibilities and all our options. On Saturday he surprised me with flowers, and then we went out for a nice dinner, and then spent the evening just cuddling and talking. His actions just made me realize how amazing he really is and how much i love him. Although we was in shock and scared and confused, he made sure that I was reassured and felt loved and comforted the entire time. And just as I expected, he considers this something that the 2 of us will go through together, no matter what we decide.
The Ultrasound, was definitely an interesting experience. I was told that I was about 7 weeks along... wrong. The ultrasound showed me the baby's body, arms and legs, and the nurse even pointed out where its little heart was beating. I almost cried. The nurse wasn't able to tell me how far along I am, because shes just a nurse, but I hope to hear from my Doctor soon about how far I really am. It would have been a much more enjoyable experience except for the part that I had never had to pee so bad in my life, and the nurse was pushing on my bladder..I felt like I was going to explode!
This is really scary now, because the Boyfriend and I had decided that we feel its best to have an abortion. But now maybe its too late...or now there are more chances of complications.
I was kinda angry at myself for not knowing that I was pregnant. I think I'm about 10 weeks, maybe 11. Of course I am in no way a doctor, but I just based that on the ultrasound picture and pregnancy calandars I've found on the internet. How could I have not known? With the exception of this month, I hadn't missed any periods. Granted they were very light... But i just assumed it was due to stress.
I'm also scared because of my actions in the last 10 or 11 weeks then. Not that I'm a big drinker, and I dont do drugs or smoke, but If I've been pregnant for the last 2 months, I know I've had drinks at christmas and newyears, and social drinks here and there when I"m out. Could that affect the baby's health in case we decide after all to keep it?
Just when I thought we had made a decision, a new twist has to get thrown in.
Thanks Again ladies for all your support. You've been fantastic.
Hi Lily,
I want to reassure you that a few drinks will not hurt the baby.
Where are you and your bf right now in the decision making process?
You both sound like you could really love this baby.
He seems to be a real wonderful guy and very supportive.
Keep in mind that this decision is a decision for life. Which one is the one you could live with easier
I will write more later. Just wanted to let you know the drinks if minimal will usually not hurt the baby. Your concern for the baby in this makes me think you have very strong feelings already. This is a natural response of a mom.
I will check back later
Love and hugs,
Ruth
Aww. What a nice guy! You couldn't have asked for a better response! Ruth is right, a few drinks won't hurt the baby, especially that you weren't too far along.
I'm so glad that things are going well for the two of you. Does the fact that you might be further along make you feel like you don't want to abort? It does sound like the two of you would make wonderful parents.
This is a confusing time. Take your time, don't rush into anything. Keep talking. Let us know how you're doing.
(((HUGS))),
Chris
I had light periods for the first 2 or 3 months of my 1st pregnancy also...That can be a big shock! As for the social drinks, probably not an issue. It seems that nature takes care of that for us. Since most women dont realize that they are pregnant until the 4th or 5th week, the placenta doesnt form until then. Up until that point, the embryo feeds from a yolk sac and doesnt absorb the things in the mother's bloodstream. Only after the formation of the placenta/umbilical cord, does the baby draw nutrients directly from the mother. You should be ok...How do you feel about seeing the baby on the ultrasound? Was that joyful tears Very Happy or tears of "oh my God what have I gotten myself into? Shocked I am glad that bf is being so supportive and loving.
Hi Lilly,
How are you feeling today? It sounds like the ultrasound really had an impact on how you feel about the abortion. Please don't worry about drinking, etc. The other ladies answered that wonderfully. It sounds like BF is being wonderful, and I'm so happy about that! Take your time hon. Let us know what you're feeling today. Between your last post here and the one on Tiffanie's thread, I get different ideas of what you're thinking, and I was surprised at how different they are, so please share your thoughts. Smile ((((Hugs))))
Hey Lilly Smile How are things going? I'd love an update!
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