By thurs when i am due to have my surgical abortion i will be almost 11weeks pregnant. This whole situation is driving me crazy and have noone to talk to, i am still with the father and he loves me very much but i find it hard to talk to him about what im going through as feel he cant understand. Plus i get angry at him even though i know deep down its not him im angry at, and all he says when i try to talk to him now is that he doesn't know what to say.its left me feeling so alone to try and deal with this.
He thinks that the best thing for me is to go through with it, but im torn between my heart and my head. On some level i feel asif i've already bonded with my child and feel it is murder to kill it, especially when its that developed. However i also think its the right choice for me as i cant afford a child and have nowhere to live, most importantly im also half way through my degree and don't want to have to give that up. I want to be able to provide to best for any child i have and don't feel i can do that right now.
I'm also pretty scared of the termination and know its going to seriously affect me both physically and emotionally, but is that preferably to a lifetime of struggling to bring up a baby?
-marisa
Friday, February 10, 2006
Abortion next week!!
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Sorry, ignore my PP post under Tiffanie's thread Embarassed I didnt see this one til I scrolled down further Smile If you know that abortion is probably not the best choice for you, why not consider open adoption? This would release you from any guilt feelings associated with terminating a well developed baby, and also from responsibility of raising the child. You could have some degree of contact and with counseling, this could be ok for all parties involved. Or, if you decided to parent, you would not be alone. Many crisis centers now offer all kinds of practical assistance, not just while you are pregnant but even beyond. Look under Abortion Alternatives in the yellow pages and give them a call...What can it hurt? BF may claim to have your best interests at heart but whom will an abortion serve the most? Certainly not you, if you are a nervous ball of raging hormones! Don't make this choice for him or for the sake of your future goals. Life can change from moment to moment and we are never guaranteed tomorrow. Go with what your heart is telling you, not your head. And remember there are lots of resources out there that can help you raise the baby if that is your choice. Adoption is a good choice also. Just FYI, I have done all 3. I have a 7 yr old son i parent, 1 child in heaven (aborted 7 wks), and a 4 yr old son for whom I made an adoption plan. Remember also that the right choice for you, might not be the easier one. If you would like to read my story in more detail, check out www.openarms.homestead.com Perhaps this will help you a little. We are here for you no matter what. (((Hugs)))
I, too, missed this until after I posted under the other thread. Sorry. After reading what you wrote here, I'm concerned that you'll be compromising yourself if you have this abortion. You said that the affects you could face after an abortion could be better than struggling your whole life to raise a child. It goes both ways. The struggle to raise a child will last a little while, but there are places that will help you. The emotional effects of an abortion will last a lifetime. You will heal, yes, but either decision is for life. Either decision will affect you forever. What I absolutely hate to see is a woman who decides to terminate and wishes from that day on that she hadn't done it. I know you feel like you can't let this baby develop any more than it already has, but, please don't do it because you feel like you don't have a choice.
(((HUGS))),
Hi Marisa,
I am so sorry that it seemed like I was ignoring you. I just got used to posting on the "still deciding" board and never checked this one again.
I have since decided to keep my baby and feel it is the right way to go. I have been through abortion and I know that it may seem like the choice at the time but it does get hard.
The thing that worries me alot about what you are saying is this. The two times I did have an abortion, I had absolutely no problem making that choice and I still had emotional problems after. You seem like deep down in your heart that you really want this baby and are being pushed into something you do not feel comfortable doing.
Listen to me, You have to make the decision for YOU. I cannot stress that enough. The girls above are very smart and helped me through this in a way I never knew possible.
Listen to their advice, they honestly have your best interests in heart.
Take care ok? comfort
Tiff
well i know that adoption definately isnt an option for me, i just know i couldn't do it n think it would be harder for me to cope with in some ways than an abortion. im supposed to go through with the abortion on thursday. In some ways i feel i should delay until im certain bout what i want, but don't know if ill ever be 100%.
And i'd agree that i feel i have to do it as i feel im just not ready to have a child,im not. bt theres always that niggle that ill b killing my baby that in just 6months could be stating a life all of its own....
Marisa,
If you're not 100% sure, you still have time to wait a little while. Tiffany is right....if a person who is 100% sure struggles with afterwards, it will likely be even more difficult for a person who went through it being unsure. I'll be praying that you'll be able to make a decision with a clear mind.
Hi Marisa - sorry I haven't responded yet. ((((Hugs)))
If you aren't 100% sure and never will be about having an abortion, that tells me something right there. That tells me that there is a part of you (your heart) that does not want an abortion. It's hard when your brain and your heart want two different things. Sometimes our rational mind tends to take over and push you through something even though you aren't ready. That causes a big risk for problems later though hon, and I don't want to see you do that.
Can we help you find housing? Financial assistance? Daycare assistance so you can continue school? Etc? There are lots of places out there that exist to help you stay pregnant if you want to. Please don't have this abortion because you feel you don't have a choice - when you so clearly don't want to have an abortion at all.
((((Hugs)))) Post soon hon.
hi, want to thank you all 4ur support, its good to have someone to talk to that actually knows what i'm going through.
i just spoke txt my bf and asked him how he would feel if i decided i couldn't go through it and his first reaction was to blame this website for putting ideas in my head! then he txt saying, 'well you might as wel drop out of uni now, cancel ur phone contract, ill sell my car n no holiday n we'll live in a council house, how do u feel bout that for the rest of ur life?'
That tells me he is being completely selfish and more concerned about what his life is gonna be like in the long run if i have the baby, he clearly has no idea about the hell im going through and will go through either choice i make.
I just don't know what to do.....!!!
You're right he is being selfish and he's only thinking short term, really. It is possible to do all the things you want to do with a child. The baby will be fine in daycare while you finish school. Don't let his negativism make you doubt yourself. If parenting is what you want, you can do it without him although it will feel like it's more difficult. Keep your chin up. Who knows, maybe once he realizes that you're really not going to do it, he'll change his attitude a little. Keep talking this out.
Hi hon. (((Hugs)))
Sorry that he is being so negative. Have you told anyone else? You need someone to be positive right now! Maybe a trip to the local pregnancy clinic would help? Let me know if you need help finding one.
LOL about us putting ideas in your head. You can just tell him we're actually trying to help you. Wink
I'm glad you understand that he is not looking out for you right now. You need to look out for yourself.
Update soon. We worry.
hey,
I decided to go through with it, bf told me that he 'can't do this baby thing' n i know i cant do it on my own after my mum brought me up on my own i want my child to have two parents. plus i don't wanna live in some crappy council house living off benfits until i go back to uni, which i'd have to do when i take a year out of as the baby would only be a month old if i went back for my third year and i go 2a uni so far away from home i wouldn't have family support either. i would want to give this child everything it deserves and im not in a position to that at the moment especially now bf sez he doesnt want it.
marisa x
it is tomorrow btw :_(
Marisa,
I'm so worried about you! It seems like your heart is telling you what to do, but your head is telling you something different, and you're head is trying to override what your heart is telling you. Every single one of your posts says something like "I want to have this baby, but..... Crying or Very sad " I'm just afraid this isn't what you really want. If you are 100% sure and I'm way off, just ignore me. But if you're not 100% sure, please take some more time to think about this. I just want to see you do what's best for you and is something you can be happy about.
I'll be thinking about you.
to be fair ur probably spot on, im not 100% but i don't think im gnna become anymre sure than i am now if that makes sense?
Marisa,
(((Hugs))) It just seems like you're telling yourself that your situation is hopeless, and do you know why that probably is? You have only been talking to your boyfriend - Mr. Negative himself. Shame on you Of course you're feeling that there is no way in the world this could work, but you know what? It can. You just need to let us help you find a way, and you also need to be able to stand on your own two feet and explore the options that are available to you.
I know that school is quite important to you, as it should be. When there is a will, there is a way, and I just feel like you are totally suppressing your will and giving in because you think it's the easy way out.
Based on the things you've said about what you believe about abortion, I think that you are not looking out for yourself, and I think that you might regret your choice and have to live with that forever, whereas with parenting, things might be difficult for a couple of years, but you wouldn't have any regret.
You can, of course, throw up your hands in surrender and go ahead with the abortion tomorrow...and we will still be here to support you and love you. We aren't about telling you what to do. But in your case, I feel you are making a decision that stands against what your heart wants to do, and I hate to see that happen hon. soblue
You can, alternatively, decide to shake off Mr. Negative for a little while and really explore your options in a positive way. Don't call or text him for a few days, and lets see what we can come up with. You can always reschedule that appointment. It's always best to leave no stone unturned in a decision this big, and I don't think you've really explored all of your options...I think you've been too busy trying to get him to support you, which he is not going to do. Fill out the form here for starters. I'd also be willing to do some exploring and see what I can come up with as far as benefits. I know it's not a fun thing to need them, but you do what you have to do in order to live the life that you want and deserve. You don't deserve a life of regret, and you don't deserve being with someone who does not want to listen to your feelings. Do you see yourself staying with him after an abortion?
((((Hugs)))) I hope I don't sound pushy..I just hate it when women are pushed into something that they do not want to do and are driven to the point of feeling that everything is hopeless. I don't want that to be you. So, now that I've droned on and on...we'll see what you think. Wink
everything uv sed seems pretty true. n im nt sure if i can be with him after this, there'll b a problem in avoiding him tho as he is here in about ten minutes so he can be here for me tomorrow Sad
i just can't see my life working out the best for me or my baby if i kept it
Hi Marisa,
I just wanted to put in a comment, tell you a little bit of what I went through.
When I found out I was pregnant (around 3 months ago), I was immediately 100% sure of my decision. And so a week later I had an abortion (at 14 weeks). I was not attached in any way, shape, or form beforehand; I just wanted it out of me as soon as possible (sorry if that sounds harsh). But yet I found myself very grieved and guilty and having a really hard time coping with it afterwards. My whole perspective had changed. I am still trying to get over it. I can't imagine what it must feel like afterwards when you already thought of it as a child and already bonded. Please give that some thought. I worry that you are going to have tremendous guilt if you go through with the abortion.
If you decided to parent, yes, I do think that things would be very hard for a while. But they would definitely get better. Don't forget that you would have a good 5 or 6 months to prepare, too. And you said you'd have to wait a year before going back to school, but in reality, a year really isn't that long - I think you'd find it would pass very quickly. And I know you don't want to raise a child without both parents, but it's still possible for them to have a fulfilling life. And there is always a chance that you will find an awesome guy who loves you for who you are, along with your child. It happens all the time.
Maybe you could think about rescheduling your appointment for a week later, to give yourself a little bit more time to think. I hope you'll consider it.
Whatever you decide, in the meantime I really hope that you get rid of this guy. He doesn't sound like he is concerned about you at all. He may say he loves you, and he may even believe that he loves you, but that is not love. (I've been through a similar relationship.) You deserve someone so much better, someone who will listen to you and respect your feelings and value you.
I hope you'll get this today ...
*hugs*
thanx for ur advice, i know already im going to regret it but i don't want to parent im not ready n with out support it would b even harder.i dont want my baby to miss out on everything i did
as for already cin it as a baby ur soo rite n i know getting rid is gna hurt, i even dreamt the other night that my baby was called isabelle.....
Sweetheart, I think you really really underestimate how you are going to feel afterwards ... Please think about taking an extra week or so to think about it. If you have AIM, my screen name is teiluj98, I'm on signed on right now. My Yahoo is the same screen name, I'll sign on in a sec. Anyways, I will be there if you want to chat for a little while or something.
Well as for avoiding him, cancelling the appointment on your own is always a way to give yourself some time. You don't need his permission, and you can always tell him you won't need him tomorrow.
Like I said, you can give in or you can stand on your own and do what you feel is right. It sounds like adoption would be a good fit - you won't have to have an abortion, and you won't have to parent.
I don't want to waste time repeating myself. If you know you do not want an abortion and it will cause you to have regret, then cancel the appointment and let's look at your other options. It's that easy hon.
Marisa,
My first time posting here - but know Rose really well. Listen to what these gals are saying. My first grandchild was released for adoption 17 years ago this month. We were the first open adoption through the agency we (my daughter and I) went through. I can tell you my grandson has grown into a wonderful, happy, and well-adjusted young man. We get pictures and and update from the adoptive mom every year. We can't imagine how awful this time of year would be had it been an abortion instead of adoption. Prayers and hugs to you!
Sorry ... my AIM screen name is eiluj89, not teiluj98. I forgot I had a different name for that one.
Hi Marisa...how are you doing? ((((Gentle Hugs)))) If you did go through with the abortion, it's okay to come here and talk about your emotions and experience. You need to be able to vent somewhere, and this is the perfect place for it. We're here to help and support you through this hon. Post when you can.
Yoohoo...Marisa...I saw you on another thread. Can you give us an update on how you're doing? I've been meaning to ask. (((Hugs)))
thanx guys, sorry its took so long to reply. think maybe part of me was reluctant as i did go through with it, n while im not quite in denial(i think) i dont like to think about it too much....
altough having sed that it seems to be all i think about so seems im not making much sense......anyway me n da bf are stronger and more in love than ever which is not the way i expected it to go down but i think its made us stronger.
it does kinda still feel like it wasn't real then everyso often the enormity of it really hits me....god knows what ill be like when it really sinks in....even on the day it was kinda like an out of body experience, i realise now i was cutting myself off from it to protect myself. it was weird al that waiting around n then going into theatre then seemingly instantly being awake, it was almost like nothing happened...but ik know that it did, i killed my baby and its too late to change that so hard as it is - and its VERY hard- i just gtta try and get on with life.....
Hi hon, welcome back. Yes, cutting yourself off is a common defense mechanism. Now that it is over, do stay honest with yourself. Your emotions will likely range from relief and happiness even, all the way to sadness, anger and grief...anything in between is normal Wink It is good that bf is being so sweet to you. Make sure that you acknowledge each feeling as it comes and perhaps it would be helpful to keep a written log...a journal to chronicle this journey. Write about the experience itself, and the aftermath as it comes. This way on the days that it seems distant and unreal you will know that yes, it did happen and its ok to feel this way...you arent going crazy Laughing Many women suffer needlessly after an abortion because they have conflicted feelings and feel guilty because of that. They as well as others around them rationalize that "it was my choice so why am i having such a hard time?" It was your choice true, BUT it is never an easy one. (((hugs)))
Hi Marisa,
I'm so glad you posted with an update hon. I've been thinking about you.
It's normal to be consumed with thoughts about it but yet really want to put on a happy face and not really share how you're feeling out in the open. I think talking about it tends to make it more real and harder to face. That's the way it is with most things that have made us struggle. Same with protecting yourself by not really being "there" when it happened.
I'm glad that BF and you are going strong. I hope that he has apologized for acting the way he did at least.
If you ever need to talk, please email one of the members here for support (myself included). The message board is a wonderful thing, but it can be hard to share intimate thoughts in public. (((((Hugs)))) Please update when you can hon.
thanx u guys for all your support and concern.
damn straight ive been through every emotion there is i think.from crying uncontrollably when talking to bf about to some sense of relief that i dont have to deal with being pregnant and everything that goes with n then feeling regret because i wish i was....
but me and the bf are v.gd and its really helped to have him there when im at my lowest, he keeps me strong. n yes he apologised n sed that he thinks its all his fault but ultimately it was my decision n i know it was a hard time 4him to.
sometimes it is difficult though, as every little thing from a pampers advert to babies or pregnant women make me think of it n make me v.sad it doesn't really seem to affect him...i dont think he quite understands how i feel. he mite be begining to though as i had abit of a breakdown on saturday night and he sed i should go n see a counsellor, but i don't want to.
another thing that makes it difficult is i only see him on weekends and miss him terribly and its quite hard to cope with all on my own so i try not to think about it too much and then when hes here at the weekend its kinda all built up and i feel like i can let it out and bless him he sumx gets the blunt of it. i guess i just have my ups and downs like everyone, so glad i have him though as he seems to be the only thing that makes me happy and ive never felt this way about any guy ever. he feels the same and wants to marry me (not right now obv lol), i at least feel like im getting on with life and can be happy.
Hi Marisa,
(((HUGS))) Actually, your bf's idea to see a counselor might not be a bad one. You could find one at a local pregnancy center, more than likely. They are used to dealing especially with post-ab women and know how to help you cope with all the extreme emotions. They could probably set you up with a support group, too, where it might help to talk to other women in the same position as you. It might help, too, just to have someone there to talk to during the week while bf is not around. Then he wouldn't have to bear the brunt of it when you do see him, too. All in all I think it could really benefit you. Just my opinion. If you'd like us to find an agency in your area fill out the form at www.choicetolivewith.com/findassistance.html and a volunteer will email you a list of places in your area.
i think i could probably use counselling to be fair as im not coping very well, its alot to deal with especially as i would do anything to be able to turn back time knowin what i know now n be able to tell myslef to go with what was in my heart coz that would have been the rite thing..... :-_(
btw i tried to go to the link u provided but it said that it was either no longer there or had been moved
Sorry, I gave it to you wrong. Let's try again...www.choicetolivewith.com/statelinks.html
Hopefully that works.
Marisa,
I hope we're able to help locate someone for you to talk with. I think it'd be a good idea, even if it's only for a few weeks. Your boyfriend might begin to feel overwhelmed if you are only leaning on him, especially if he doesn't understand completely the emotions involved, what you need from him, and why you need to continue to talk about it.
I'm sorry that this has been so hard on you. ((((Hugs))))
Hi Marisa,
I have read these threads and I just wanted to say that I hope you are doing well!! It has been a week for me and I was an utter wreck, but this site and these wonderful people have helped me and I hope that they have helped you!
thanx chris, but that website isn't much use unfortunately as i dont live in america i live in the uk.
what part of the UK, we can find you something I'm sure Wink Rose is wonder woman when it comes to finding stuff.
Yep, it works for the UK too. Just enter in the information like UK, whatever county, and then the cities near you. We can still find you something.
help u guys i need some advice, the other day i woz really upset n when talking to my bf he sed 'its bin 3 weeks now dont u think u shud start to get over it' i was so angry n upset that i told i wanted to end it if he didnt uunderstand to the point where he could actually say something like that!! but i love him sooo much..... i dont know what to do,should i stay with him? my heart says yes for definate but my head says that maybe he doesnt love me as much as he says he does if he could say such things. im trying to tell myself that its impossible to see where im coming from but he should still not be - well, such an arse. i couldnt possible understand what he was (and still is) going through when his mum died a few months ago but never in a million years say 'oh just start gettin over it will u' when he was upset. i cry all the time when i think of what hes going thru yet he doesnt seem to care what im going thru, he says its not the same because we had a choice about the baby. so is he saying that because i made a choice it doesnt hurt-even more so than if id lost it because ive got the guilt to contend with.
i just feel like im more alone than ever now - it was a month ago today- and the person i love most in the world just doesnt get what im going thru
Hi Marisa,
I'm so sorry that your BF is being insensitive on top of all the other things that you are dealing with! If he's been supportive and good to you up until now, I would guess that he's just being a typical man and just "doesn't get it" like you said. We women tend to understand emotional pain way more than men do. And, that baby wasn't growing in HIS body, and HE didn't have to go through the procedure, so for him, it may not have seemed real anyway. Can you show him anything that describes what women post-abortion go through? Maybe if he can see it, he will understand that you are not going to just "get over it" overnight. I would suggest that you follow your heart - but not to the point of letting it get stepped on. If he truly doesn't get it, and if it seems that he will never understand enough to be sensitive and supportive, then maybe you need to re-evaluate your relationship and decide what is best for YOU.
Is it possible to take a break from each other for a little while? Maybe that will help you see how you would feel being apart. Maybe you would hate it, maybe you would find that being away from all the negativity is good for you. Wishing you the best.
i think if i decide that i do want a break he wouldn't like it maybe but would go through with it. we talked last night and he says he'll do anything to make me happy if that means getting other guys,he clearly wants to help and asked me to tell him what he can do, like i said before i guess he just doesnt understand its not that easy, but at least if hes willing to make the effort to help me through this then that means alot to me. ive told him that i just wanna take each day at a time and see how it goes, i know i still love him (alot) but its a question of whether i CAN be with him after what we've been through...
the reason im not sure anymore about staying with him is the fact that i at least partly feel like he pushed me into the abortion, that and what he said the other day make me question whether he does truely love me as much as he says..... i guess my head is just so messed up i cant think straight, at least he understands that i need time to think through our relationship and everything im going through
sorry for rambling soo much, just got soo much going on my head i feel like i could write for hours!
Hi Marisa,
It's going to be hard to be with him after he coerced you into having the abortion. That adds a big strain to an already stressed relationship. Not only that, but when you add in that he does not understand what you are feeling or needing right now, things probably aren't going to get any better unless you both do something proactive.
I really, really recommend you find someone in addition to your BF that you can talk about your abortion with. You still haven't filled out that form - have you found somewhere on your own perhaps?
Talking with someone else about your emotions, needs, thoughts, etc., is really going to free up your relationship with BF. Instead of needing to discuss it with him, you'll have an additional person to work through the issues with, and then you'll be able to tell him the important things you've come to a conclusion about without making him sit through the entire though process, which for men isn't any fun.
There's a chance that your relationship could work if you lay some ground rules, get him some information about post-abortion emotions, and work through your feelings with someone in addition to him. A lot of it is going to be up to him regarding how supportive he will be. If he isn't going to give you as much time to grieve this as you need, then I would think he doesn't really care deeply about you and love you with the unconditional love you deserve.
((((Hugs)))))
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