I am a very happily married 35yo...and just found out I am pregnant. Of course, my husband knows, there isnt' much we don't share with each other. We didn't intend on ever having children. We both think we are selfish and don't think selfish people necessarily make good parents.
I just quit my job in Aug of this year and started grad school full time. My husband is in the process of switching careers as well. By the end of the year, we will be making around $35K total, down from $110 when we both were working. Not to mention that we now have graduate tuition to pay back. A pregnancy could also force me to delay my education as we don't get any time off between qtrs. I don't know if I can handle the intensive program I am in while being pregnant either. Not to mention what will I do with a newborn around? I am finding it very hard to find reasons to have this baby...but still don't feel certain about my decision to have it or not.
I just don't know what to do about the pregnancy. I have not really considered being a mom. I think I am better suited as an aunt or as a dog owner. I don't have the patience for children and I don't usually like being around them for long periods of time. I have always been pro-choice, but it is weird how it is very different when it is your choice.
My husband doesn't really want to have the baby, but will support me on whatever I decide. I just don't know what to do.
-sarlento 
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
dilemma
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18 comments:
Hi Sarlento, welcome to the board! I'm glad you shared with us. :wink
This is really a time of huge changes for you it sounds like! School, new career for DH, and now you're pregnant! It's no wonder this came as a shock, especially given your age and the fact that you never wanted kids.
You're right about this being different when it happens to you versus it happening to others. It doesn't make you any less pro-choice just because you're not sure abortion is for you.
I can't help you with being selfish or any of that, but I was the same as you when it came to kids. It's not that I didn't like them, but I was very impatient with them, and never really wanted to babysit or have friends over that had kids, etc...I never felt like I got along that great with children. I didn't feel maternal around them or anything...it always felt very awkward. I was very very afraid of this when I got pregnant. My DH and I did want a child, but when I got pregnant I started to get nervous and worry about whether or not I was going to hate being a mom and whether it was going to be awkward for me. I remember even going out of my way to be with children and then really getting upset when they didn't take to me or I couldn't make them stop crying, etc.
Anyway...I know how you feel about that, and I can tell you that having your own child is completely different. When your baby is born you get this whole new level inside of you that understands your child, knows how to comfort him or her, can relate to him or her, etc. And I still am not that great with other kids...but my daughter and I are a perfect fit. :wink
I don't know if that will help or not, but maybe it will. Your finances may seem pretty tight compared to what you're used to, but you can definitely have a child on your income. And you're right, you may need to take a semester off to have your baby and get used to life with a newborn. School is doable with a baby...it's not simple, but it can be done.
(((((Hugs))))) Sometimes there aren't a lot of good reasons that tell you to have the baby - there may just be a feeling telling you that "This can work" or "but I really don't want an abortion." Make sure you listen to those voices and deal with every part of you before you make any decision...it's best to deal with those things now rather than after the decision is made. Feelings are sometimes left by the wayside because our "rational" selves take over. Sometimes that's a good thing, other times it's not. You be the judge of that, and we'll be here to support you no matter what.
(((((Hugs))))))) Keep in mind that this is Christmas week, so you may not get many responses...be patient and hopefully you'll get some advice within a week or so.
Hi! I wholeheartedley agree with the pp. Make sure you are in complete agreement with your heart...the head does have a tendency to try to take over in a crisis; but in the end though, it will be your heart that you will have to answer too. I had an unplanned pregnancy when i was 21 and open adoption was the answer. It was an opportunity for me to do the unselfish thing, give life AND give my child more than i had to offer (i.e. love, a family, security etc.) It was not a painless decision, but with good counseling and a good agency can be a wonderful experience! I am a stronger, healthier person because of going through with it. I think is might be important to mention that I have also had one abortion at 18. Now, 6 yrs later still healing...emotionally and spiritually that is...the physical effects of a pregnancy may go away but the essence of that life never goes away! If you have any ?s about what open adoption is or can be like, send me a msg. Also, make sure you educate yourself and your DH to ALL the potential risks associated with abortion BEFORE going to the clinic. Most of them will try to minimize the risks and present them as insignificant. This could not be further from the truth. Be informed! We will stand by you either way. sorry i have typed a novel, hope some of it helps! luv, Christine p.s. my whole story is at www.openarms.homestead.com
I can only imagine the emotions you must be going through! I am also thirtysomething and have been married for 13 years. An unwanted/unplanned pregnancy is difficult for anyone, but I think that it takes on a special brand of difficulty when it occurs within a marriage, especially a happy/good one. It seems that the expectation that is ground into us is that a pregnancy that occurs within a marriage, planned or unplanned, is one that is without question continued and accepted. I don't envy you the choice you are making right now. I've had one abortion, while married, and I'd probably make the same choice again. I am, however, me. You have to decide what you can live with every day for the rest of your life. Someone very wise told me that she was a menopause baby. Her family always told her that though she wasn't planned, she was something they didn't realize they wanted until they had her. I always thought that was a neat way of putting it. The best advice I can offer you is for you to go with your heart and not to do anything you don't want to do, and that emcompasses all three choices - abortion, adoption, and parenting. You have plenty of time to make your decision, so think very carefully before you make it.
I agree with the the other three. You have to include your heart and way the three choices you have. I also had an unplanned pregnancy- with very significant medical risk to myself and my son. I chose to give him life and parent him. I was also not a "kid" person and was quite financially challenged. In fact there was quite a bit of "head" and social pressure to abort. But I have never believed that the solution to poverty is to kill the poor and I knew in my heart that I would not have peace about an abortion....I also knew, in some weird way that I would be ok. Believe me, I felt my world shake to the core when I learned I was pregnant with my son.
Thankfully, my husband was not pressuring me to tx. My friends were:crazy
That was so hard.
Anyway- what Rose said is right. Sean is perfect for me. I love him sooooo much and I feel like I had never experienced such abundant life as I do right now- as a mom. I still am not that found of kids. I do ok with them, but really, I'm not a kid person. :whistling I absolutely adore my sons though and I am so happy with the choice I made to parent. My life has also taken a few direction changes as a direct result of my choice but I couldn't be happier and I have complete peace about it!
If I were you I would try to imagine yourself a few years down the road-physically,emotionally,spiritually(if you are spiritual). Children grow up so fast and before you know it....you have alot more free time. Does the idea of aborting this baby give you peace or pain? What about placing your baby with another hopeful family- with open adoption you can be quite involved or you could choose to have a closed adoption or just about anything in between. Or what about raising your little one? What gives you peace now? What do you think will give you the most peace in the years to come?
(((Hugs)))). I know this is hard. I have walked this road.
Let us know what you decide. We are here for you.
Thank you for the thoughtful replies. Adoption is not an option for me. If I continue the pregancy, I would keep the baby. I guess that is my selfishness coming out. I deeply admire woman who give their child up for adoption but I could not do that. Part of my dilema is that being pregnant is not conducive to the grad program I am in. It is very hands on and will be more difficult if I am pregnant. If I have the baby it is not a matter of taking a qtr off, I would have to take a whole year off b/c of how the program is structured. I know I sound very selfish here, but I don't know that I am prepared to do that. I have waited about 5 years to go back to school, and I don't want to jeopardize that now. And I think if I feel that way, they perhaps I wouldn't be a very good mom.
I see so many people out there who you can tell are annoyed with their children. Perhaps it is situational, but I tend to believe it is deeper than that due to our declining society and the increase in children committing more severe crimes at earlier ages. I don't want to be a parent of one of those children.
I really appreciate everyone's thoughtful comments and I will think about them over the next few days!
Veggiemom, I made a list of pros/cons of the 2 options but I did not consider my heart in those lists, so I will re think that.
Runningchick, I also appreciate you sharing your story. I was beginning to think I was the only one who considered aborting while in a good marriage and without too many other children to feed.
I can understand how you feel about school. I had to drop out because I was pregnant. I was in school to become a nurse at the time. There was no way I could be pregnant/have a newborn and go to nursing school. It was really a tough thing for me though, since I had invested so much time and effort (and money) into it. The plan was to go back after a year off, but I've since found other things I'd like to do instead, and I enjoy being able to stay home with my daughter anyway. So I guess it wasn't that bad of a thing - although if you would've told me that at the time I would've laughed at you.
Quote:I think if I feel that way, they perhaps I wouldn't be a very good mom.
Oh I wouldn't say that. It's always hard to put your "unborn" child first - because you don't really have a strong connection like you do when it is born. Some women do, I know...I wanted to, but I didn't really. I was excited...but didn't feel a strong bond until she was here. So I'd bet that you'd make a fine mom...matter of fact, just the fact that you're worried about it shows that you're trying to do what is best for your child, right?
Quote:I was beginning to think I was the only one who considered aborting while in a good marriage and without too many other children to feed.
Not at all...there are lots of women that have abortions because their circumstances and life goals seemingly cannot be readjusted to fit a child into them. You aren't alone there hon.
((((Hugs))))) Keep us updated. Have you done the workbook pages here? They might help. You can find them by clicking here: Decision Making Workbook. You're in my thoughts and prayers hon.
Yes, I have done the workbook pages. They were very helpful. I can't thank you enough for hosting such an informative and caring site. The workbook reveiled that I probably would be OK emotionally if I had an abortion and at this point in time, that is the path I am leaning towards. School is back in session next week, so I must make a decision before then.
Best of luck in your decision making process. I don't have anything to add. I just wanted to send you some support. I've been there, and I know how it feels.
Oh oh! Sorry for serial posting, but I do have something else to add. You might want to check about the abortion laws in your state. If you want to have the termination within the week, you need to know if there is a waiting period for women seeking an abortion. My state has a 24 hour waiting period.
Well we will definitely be here for you no matter what hon. (((Hugs))) Try not to rush too much in this decision. Be sure your heart and head are on the same page. Let us know how you're doing, okay? If you need to vent, ask questions, or explore your options more...this is the place to do it.
You're in my thoughts and prayers hon.
I feel for you and hope you will come to a decision that will ultimately bring you happiness. Remember that how you feel about school and career today, could change drastically after the abortion. You might feel guilt about choosing your wants over the unborn child's needs. In my case, hindsight was 20/20 in that I learned that abortion is forever and that situations change, emotions waver, and nothing is constant except for the knowledge that you could have had a child but don't. This is not said to dissuade you if your choice is already made, but only as friendly counsel from someone else who chose abortion merely because a baby would have been inconvenient at that time. How does your DH feel about the baby? I normally wouldn't ask but since you are happily married, it is of vital importance for you both to be in agreement. Otherwise, resentment and anger can unravel the marriage. This is not to undermind your freedom to choose, but since marriage is a partnership, better to be on the same team...know what I mean? Best of luck no matter what your path and we will always be here for you! Luv, Christine
Well, we decided that parenting is not the best choice for us, so I had an abortion this morning. I feel comfortable with the decision for the most part. I don't have any tremendous sense of guilt but we will have to see how things go. DH has been incredibly supportive. He didn't want to have a child but would have been supportive no matter what. I know there are so many what if's but I don't feel it necessary to dwell on them at the moment. I made the right decision considering our circumstances.
I am so happy to hear that your DH is supporting you throughout...that can make all the difference in the world what with hormones being all over the map and such...If you ever do feel the need to vent, you are always welcome! Since you seem ok with your choice, you probably won't need/want too much support, but I am sure there are others here who could benefit from hearing about your experience if you should ever feel comfortable sharing it. Good luck in the future! Happy new Year! LUv, Christine
Thanks for the update Sarlento. :wink I'm glad you're feeling pretty good about your decision. And I am so very glad to hear DH is being supportive for you.
Pretty much any reaction you are having is normal. Those emotions may fluctuate or change completely - that's normal too. We're here for you if you do ever need to talk about anything, okay hon? It's still pretty early after the abortion, so stop back in and let us know how you're doing in a few days, okay?
Hey...I just wanted to let you know that I'm glad you came through it okay. I hope everything went well, and I'm thrilled that your DH is supporting you. I hope you continue to be happy with your decision. I have become happier with my decision every year. I hope the same for you.
I think I am coping alright, for the most part anyway. DH and I had a long talk about things last night...we really hadn't talked about the abortion since I had it..but it has only been a few days. It was a good talk because I had been holding somethings in and was able to let them out. Long story short, we talked about the abortion and how I feel about it, which resulted in a nice long cry for me. It felt really good to share those emotions with him.
I am still good with the decision we made, but we never had planned on having children anyway. I can't imagine how hard this experience would be for someone who has considered having children or wants to be a mom somewhere down the road. The experience has certainly changed my life as I am sure it does for most women.
Thanks so much for all of the support and most importantly for being non-judgemental with our decision. I can tell from some of the posts that people have made that they are somewhat against abortion but they have done a good job of keeping those opinions to themselves.
Thanks again for hosting this site....it has been a wonderful outlet for me!
I will continue to check it out...keeping you updated and sharing my experience if need be.
dana
*chuckles* I suppose I might be one of those who leans more toward the right if you know what I mean:wink I have experienced abortion myself, so I just try to encourage women to be fully informed before making their choice. I am glad that you are ok with your decision and glad that you are able to talk about it with DH. This is very important to the healing process. I never had that opportunity until quite some time after my abortion. Perhaps that is why I had more problems with it. I wish you all the best in the future and keep posting here whenever you can! Love, Christine
I'm really glad you had a chance to open up to DH. That's always nice. Nice long cries can be nice too, and that'a normal part of grieving what you lost - whatever that was for you.
You're welcome for making the site! :blush It was, and is, my pleasure. I know that some of our members are wither pro-choice or pro-life (it's hard not to have an opinion about abortion), but yep...as long as they can support you in any decision - even if they don't support the decision itself...that's just fine. :wink
I hope you do hang around and offer your support...let us know if you need any too.
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