This is long, but it has to be Hopefully someone understands

I had my first and last abortion last Friday morning.
I found out I was officially pregnant a month ago although I had suspected it, my period was late, my boobs hurt and I felt different.
I took the test alone. I looked at the results, numb. It was wrong, I told myself, but I knew it wasn’t.. I went home and told my boyfriend, who already had a feeling. He asked what I wanted to do. We both said that this was not the time for this and it would not be fair to bring a child into this world.
I have always said, "I am never going to have kids" "I don’t want kids" well reality slapped me in the face and gave me a baby. I was naive enough to think that it would never happen to me. It did.
I looked into abortions, the procedures, the effects, and the consequences. I had to know what I was going to put myself through. I was fine with it all, at first. As I kept reading on and my hormone levels started to get a bit out of whack, I found myself crying a lot. I made the mistake of looking at the stages of development; this made me cry even more. I did not let my boyfriend see this. I went to my ob/gyn who confirmed what I already knew. Being that he is in a Catholic hospital, he could not refer me for an abortion, his nurse did give me the name of a clinic and told me that my insurance may cover it. (I was covered 100% thank god!!) I called the clinic to make my appointment. They could have given me an appointment for that Friday (I called on a Wednesday) but I couldn’t do it that soon, I set it up for two weeks after that. I started to have nightmares of what the abortion was going to be like. I cried ALL the time. Then I tried to tell myself that I was not pregnant. I never got morning sickness, I felt nauseous two times, and that was it. I kept hoping that I would miscarry so I would not have to go through with this.

The week of my appointment came. I prayed it would be a long week; I did not want that Friday to come. Only my two friends, my one sister and my boyfriend knew I was pregnant. All were super supportive. My sister is married and pregnant with her second child. She found out she was pregnant a month before I did. Hers was planned. (I will touch on this in a minute)

I expressed to my bf and my one friend how I was slightly considering keeping it. This was a 1% of my hormonal-self that wanted to keep it. I never felt like I had a life growing in me. I knew something was going on, I tried to be in denial. My boyfriend wanted to keep it all along I think, but let me make the decision.

Well Friday came. I was not scared the night before; I pushed it to the back of my head. I was not scared on my way to the clinic or signing in. Reality PUNCHED me in the face when I was called back for an ultrasound; they give ultrasounds to PREGNANT women who have a BABY in them!!!! I asked the tech to please please please not let me see it, I could not see it. She promised that she wouldn't and she didn't. Ok, I was ok. I went back into the waiting room. I was ok. A bit teary, but ok. I was told that I was 8wks and 5 days pregnant. Hmm. Ok. Numb again. Then I was called back to give blood. The MA had my chart sitting there and what was on top of it but the ultrasound picture.. I saw it and I lost it inside. I saw that there was a life inside of me. That picture was of something that was inside of me! Something was trying to grow into a life. He took my blood, I did not cry there. I went into the waiting room and burst into tears in front of everyone. I sat with my face covered and cried and did not care. I made myself stop. I had to go through with this, I had to tell myself that this was the right thing.
Finally they called me to get ready for the procedure. They put me in a room no bigger than a powder room with a chair and a little cart of gowns. Told me how to get dressed and they would be back for me. It felt like I was sitting in there for 4 hours. I BALLED, I never ever cried so hard in my life. I almost ran out of there and couldn’t go through with it. My boyfriend was sitting on the otherside of the wall. I wanted him to come get me and say, no let’s not do it!!!!!! I know that he was scared too. I was crying so hard I thought I was going to be sick. The girl finally came for me. Saw that I was upset, said NOTHING. I was brought into the procedure room and my legs were strapped down. The anesthesiologist came in to hook me up. I started crying and crying and crying, the dr. came in and introduced herself and asked me my name and what I was there for. I was crying so hard I couldn't speak my name. I just wanted someone in that room to ask me, do you really want to go through with this? I wanted SOO bad for someone to say, “you don’t have to do this” No one did and I felt soo trapped and scared and was crying soo hard, I tried so hard to say “No, STOP! I don’t want to do this!!!” but I had no time to tell them, because IV kicked in. Next thing I knew I was in the recovery room. It was over. I felt like a piece of sh*t. I didn’t want to do it!!!! Could I wake up and start over???!?! NO!!! I went through with it! I was sitting in this room looking at these other women. None of them looked upset. I sat there and felt like the most horrible person on the face of the earth. I went in the waiting room and left. I went into the parking lot, I felt ok, just let the air hit me. I remembered what I just did; I threw up in the middle of the parking lot. Not from the anesthetic, but from my actions.

I was fine the rest of the day, not too crampy. I thought ok, its over with. The next day, I started crying uncontrollably to the point I was making myself sick. I have been doing this still. It is Monday night now. I am crying again. I saw the ultrasound. That is why I am crying. I saw that I killed something. I had a baby and I killed it. Whether I wanted to have a kid or not, I had one in me and I killed it. I was selfish. Millions of people would love to get pregnant. I was and I was selfish. I took away an innocent life in order to not ruin mine. I did ruin mine; I will think of this forever and I will never be able to forgive myself. My sister is about one month more pregnant that I would have been. When I see this niece or nephew when it is born, I will know that I should have been having one of my own shortly thereafter, they could have been great, close cousins. I will look at that child grow, I will love him/her, don’t get me wrong and I will probably take that baby in my arms and cry silently knowing that I could have one of my own. But I was selfish. I could have found a way to make it; my boyfriend and I could have made it. We could have found a way.. I chose the easy way out for me and I hate myself for it.

If you read this whole thing, I thank you from the bottom of my selfish heart. I have drowned my keyboard in tears reading some of your stories and I have drowned it again writing this.

-tootsie82