Hi,
Here's my situation. I'm 28, still living at home and have a good job. Been with my partner for a year now and learned a few weeks ago that I was pregnant. My partner does not want a child right away and says he would not want to be a part of the child's life. I've had an abortion a few years back and it was emotionally painful ; i don't want to go through that again. I really want to have this child but am SOOO afraid to go through this pregnancy / raising the child without him. I'm scared he would leave me if I decided to have the baby. Could I be able to have it alone? Would he really have no contact with us?
Advice please... Thanks!
- Emma
Tuesday, March 1, 2005
Need urgent advice..please!
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Hi hon...welcome to the board! :biggrin I'm so glad you found us for some support!
Yes, you can always choose to have your baby - regardless of what he decides to do, and if it is what you want to do, then I encurage you to do it. We can help you find the pregnancy centers and programs that will allow you to have this baby. Do you have family & friends that will support you in this decision?
As to what he will do, well that's hard for me to say. Some men do decide to leave. You would still be eligible for child support though. I've noticed that a lot of men, when confronted with an unplanned pregnancy, will often threaten "You need to get an abortion or I'll leave" - but it's more of a manipulation. These men ultimately do stay. But again, it's hard for me to say which category he falls into. Even he might not fully realize what he wants to do until the baby is born. I'd encourage you to make this decision for what you and you alone want. If that means having this baby, stand firm and let him know you're not going to budge. Over time, he'll either start coming around or stop coming around. If he leaves you because you chose to have this baby though - would he be worth going through an abortion that you don't want?
((((Hugs))))) for your past abortion - and for this pregnancy. We're here to support you as you deal with any emotional issues the abortion has given you, as well as to help you through this pregnancy.
If you'd like us to start researching resources for you, could you tell us your city and state, as well as the names of nearby cities (within driving distance)? Thanks hon. Hang in there and we'll get you through this!
Love,
Rose
Thanks for being there and for listening. I'm from Montreal, Canada. I'm sure there must be ressources here but I don't yet know about them.
As for the BF, he's really a good man but who's going through his mid-life crisis. I really hope he gets back from the place he's at before the birth because I'd be crushed to have to go through this alone. I feel my baby growing inside of my body, am getting attached to him but am so scared to make a mistake, what if he's right by not wanting to keep it?
So confused...
(((hugs to you))) I was in your shoes when I was 17 and let me tell you the road of single-mommyhood is a long one full of detours, potholes, and speedtraps! However the destination is beyond compare! The joy that comes from bringing another life full of innocence and potential into the world is the most awesome feeling. My unplanned angel is now 6 yrs old and starting t-ball practice today! I have to run now but I want you to know that yes! you can and will be a great mom and if your bf disappears, it will only be his loss in the end! And if he leaves, there are still a few good men out there who don't mind an "instant family". Some like my hubby, actually prefer it that way! He is raising my son as his own and has never treated him any other way! I hope this helps. Luv, Christine p.s. You can read my whole story if it would interest you at www.openarms.homestead.com
Hi, Emma--
I just wanted to let you know that when I got pregnant for the first time, it was a similar situation---I was 20, totally in love, the guy said he would dump me if I had the baby. He coerced me into having an abortion and dumped me a few months later anyway. I have never recovered emotionally from the abortion (15 years ago now) and wish more than anything I could go back and have the baby. As a side note, 5 years later, the guy and I got back together---he had grown up and become a man---and we have now been married for 6 years and have a wonderful daughter together. He now says he was terrified at the time, but wishes that we had had the baby. He says he would not actually have dumped me, but was so scared to tell his parents he saw no option but abortion. Then, after the abortion, it depressed him so much to be with me he had to end it (at least for a few years). He suffers over it almost as much as I do. So there's no telling what will happen.
Since then, I've come to think that men who are worth it will come around when the baby comes; those who don't come around aren't worth it anyway.
Have the baby if you want to. I wish someone had told that to me 15 years ago.
(p.s. this is notagain--new, more appropriate screen name!)
Okay, first of all, there are quite a few pregnancy centers in Montreal:
Birthright
4100 St Antoine St. W
Montreal QC H4C 1C1
514-937-9324
Pregnancy Counseling Centre
601-455 Rue Saint-Antoine W
Montreal QC H2Z 1S1
514-876-3629
Pregnancy Counseling Centre
7394 79 Ave
Montral QC H2A 2L7
514-725-7209
Respect De La Vie
118 Rue St Mathieu
Montreal QC H3H 2H6
514-933-8354
SERENA 6646 St. Denis St
Montreal QC H2S 2R9
If you'd like me to look into governement help, I can do that later tomorrow too (or maybe someone else could?). Let me know. These pregnancy centers also will know what you will qualify for, etc.
What are the reasons he's telling you that you shouldn't have this baby? That would be a good place to start. Just remember that men tend to get overwhelmed - they're the providors after all and when they feel they'd have to provide more than they are now, they get scared. Their first reaction is often to tell the woman to abort because it doesn't usually affect them the way it affects the woman. It really sounds like you're closely bonded to this baby already, and an abortion for his sake because of his fears, would probably be very hard on you and might end your relationship anyway.
I look forward to hearing more from you hon. ((((Hugs))))
Love,
Rose
His reasons. Well he says its not the right time for him, that he's reorganizing his professional life and has a heck of a busy year in front of him. He also says I have plenty of time to have a baby later, that we don't even live together, he's not as ready as I to make a commitment right away, that the relationship's has been so-so these last few weeks and all the usual bla-bla. He feels he needs to do some introspection, to learn to better cope with intimacy and resolve issues before even thinking about a baby.
Basically, his plan is to have me abort asap and them that we take a break in the relationship. He needs to go into his «cavern» as John Gray puts it. And he had the sensitivity to tell me this the day after I had announced my pregnancy. In any case, he's made it clear he does not want to be a father right away. A shame though, he's a fine man, brilliant and generally quite decent. He would make a wonderful father...
BTW, thanks so much for your support, advice and just for being there. I feel much less alone and it helps to reason with someone else than yourself. THANK YOU!!:smile
Emma,
As a PP said, men are providers and think rationally, worrying about the practical and financial needs, rather than emotional needs. But it sounds like a lot of the reasons he gave you are stemming from insecurities both about himself and the relationship. It doesn't sound like he's thinking about what you want, but rather he's gone into self-preservation mode.
He can make his decision to stay or leave, but regardless of what he chooses to do, you need to make this decison for you, what makes you happy. It sounds like you're already connecting to this child and you'd be having an abortion under pressure from him, so another abortion may be difficult for you emotionally. You don't have to go through this pregnancy/raising this child alone. In addition to your partner, who else can you depend on for emotional support and encouragement? It's always good for one's wellbeing to have their own social life in addition to a relationship. Do you have any girl friends, are you a member of any social clubs in your community, what about your family? In addition, many communities have support groups for new mothers. In addition to learning, a parenting class would be a good opportunity to meet other mommies-to-be. As for financial and practical needs concerns, it looks like Rose has provided some resources that can help you. Please feel free to vent, share, and ask more questions.
Love,
Lahela
Emma,
Hi, how are you doing? Have you come any closer to making a decision? How are things between you and your partner? We're keeping you in our thoughts. If you have a chance, please write us.
Love,
Lahela
Thanks for being there once again! Well, the BF's coming back from a weeks vacation tomorrow and I'm starting to get more and more nervous. I want to tell him that I want to keep the baby but his reaction scares me. He always seems to have the right answers to get me not to keep him. So I decided to write him a letter telling him how I feel, what my options are, my plan to have the baby and an invitation for him to be in our lives. I hope it goes well. Also, since next week is our anniversary, I want to find him a book on fatherhood and to sign it as being the best gift I can give him, the gift of life. Sound too cheesy? In any case, I'll leave the letter on his bed for him to find before going to sleep... What do you think about the letter / book idea?
Stay strong sister! We have fought for feminine equality for years and now that we have complete control of our reproductive choices we worry about what HE will say/do.:wink It is your body, your baby, your future. If you really want your baby, be prepared to stand firm. He can either come around or leave. If he leaves, it will be his loss. I think the book is a great idea! Maybe even a fatherhood journal so that he can record his thoughts and feelings. Even if they are negative ones...LOL Even tough guys need to vent sometimes. He might just be scared of fatherhood. Do you know if he had a good or bad relationship with his father? Sometimes that comes into play....Good luck Luv, Christine
As for the relationship with his father, I'm not really sure. I know he has some issues with his parents ; them not being able to help him figure himself out as a young teen. I think a part of the problem lies somewhere around there. I also think, however, that there's a huge scare of any engagement issue...and a child would certainly qualify as a type of engagement! If he only realized what a great father he could be... a shame.
He's coming back tonight! Wish me luck ladies!
Oooh Emma - I've been thinking about you and I hope things are going well! Sorry I haven't been around to reply...I never get to until late at night, but I always read! :wink
I think the book is a great idea! I got my DH a comical fatherhood book when we were pregnant. It was cute. :) I hope he takes the news that you want to keep the baby well, but if he does not, just remember that his first reaction might not last long. He might fuss for a few days - moping around being miserable. He may decide to leave - but that is his choice and shouldn't impact how you feel or what you do. It would be his loss. But he may start to realize that maybe things won't be so awful. Maybe if you can show him a plan, especially financially, that would make things easier - that might help. Men are very fearful of financial changes.
Please let us know how it goes, and like the PP said, stay strong hon! If he senses you'll cave in when he's upset, he's only going be that much more pushy. ((((((Hugs))))))) I can't wait to hear back from you! :biggrin
Love,
Rose
Well, he came home last night and it was a complete disaster. He asked me if the abortion was still planned for Saterday and I hesitated. I then told him how I felt, that I was most unsure of that avenue, that I was seriously considering having the baby and that I had a plan. His reaction was worst than what I had expected. He told me I was ruining his life, my own and the baby's. That he did not want a child at this present time, that whatever happened, whatever amount of money he ever earned, he would make sur I never got one penny of it. That he would make me sign papers stating it was not his child and he would never want to see me nor the baby, ever. And that he would resent me for the rest of his life. He also went on to say that if anything ever happened to me, he would be stuck with the baby! I think that finished me off...
He than said I had all the time in the world to have other kids in a better, more stable home (true but it's NOW that I'm pregnant...and with HIS child!!!), and really tried to convince me to go to the clinic on Friday.
I haven't had more than a few hours sleep, cried all night and am unsure of myself as ever. I don't want to have a child without a father. Not a great day in my life... Thanks for listening.
Hon, I am so sorry to hear all that. What a creep!:mad Please hear me when I say that no matter how pro choice you are, if you are forced into something you don't want, you will never be able to forget it! If you are coerced into abortion, then it isn't really choice is it?:ummm You have the right to abort that is true, but you need to remind him that you also have the right to remain pregnant and raise your baby! There are court orders that will make him be paternity tested, and will force him to pay child support. That is how the laws work, if you make a baby you will pay for it. He is only trying to intimidate you and pressure you and I fear that you may be caving. He is only manipulating you and again I repeat, He is the only one who can ruin his life. You cannot control the things people do to you but you can control your response to those actions. If you know in your heart that you already love your baby and really want to keep him/her, you will have to be firm and fight for it. Raising a baby without a dad is not always the worst thing. My ex "sister in law" was raising her 2 kids with a man who beat her as often as he urinated. So much for having a loving father in the picture. You have strength in you and now is the time to reach way down and force yourself to see this guy for what he is. SELFISH! If he did not want a baby at this time in his life, then he should not have been sexually active. As for him saying that you have all the time in the world to have kids later, He is arrogant to assume that. My own mother had me at the age of 28, then could never conceive again. They diagnosed her as having an inverted uterus and early menapause. So much for more kids later....We can never presume to know the future so don't take him to seriously. I will say a prayer for you if that is ok....Luv, Christine
Thanks for your good words of advice. I don't think I could ever get to begging for child support nor for his help. All I ask for is support on his part. It just insults and hurts me to hear such deep anger and resentment towards me and the baby. He keeps going on about how this will ruin his life and it's difficult to hear and to cope with ; this should be a wonderful time in our lives and all I can do is feel terrible guilt...
Big huge (((((Hugs))))) to you Emma! Oh hon, I'm soooo sorry that things went so horribly. :crying You must be just distraught over his reaction. Remember please that this has no bearing on what you feel or want hon - this is just him being...ahem....a jerk. :unsure What makes him feel that what he wants is more important that what you want? What gives him that right more than you? I hate it when men push women around.
A baby won't ruin his life - especially if he gets his way and you don't even ask for child support. It won't ruin your life, while an abortion might be very difficult since you want this baby. And I don't see how giving birth to a baby would ruin it's life when compared with abortion...lol. This is what I call the "grasping at straws" phase. He is going to say anything and everything to get you to do what he wants you to do. Whether you let him do that to you is up to you hon, but just remember that he isn't going to be around to face any regret...he may not be around to face raising this child. So the core question is do you want to be alone with or without your baby?
He cannot make sure you don't get money. The choice is up to you whether you'd file for child support (which I encourage you do to if you have financial concerns - you don't need to "beg" - just file paperwork). If you do file for child support he either has to pay or break the law - that choice is his. He cannot make you sign papers stating it's not his child...there aren't even papers that you could sign that stated that. There are paternity tests he's more than welcome to take. Most likely he's not going to resent you forever. Usually men are resentful while you're deciding, once you've decided they mope and act upset, when the baby arrives they act standoffish, but eventually there is no resentment (usually), and sometimes there is support in the end. I've seen men thank the women for not listening to them. Only time will tell if this is him or not though. He won't be "stuck" with the baby if something happens to you - he can even relinquish his rights as a parent if you allow him to. You can leave the baby with family or a friend.
You're right when you say you're pregnant now...the situation is not ideal, but that doesn't change the fact that you are pregnant and if left alone you would have a baby in 7/8 months. You have every right to have this baby if you want it - just as much as you have a right to abort the baby if you do not want it. Please don't let him decide for you though hon. I know you feel guilty, see that's the trick of it. He's trying to make you feel guilty for wanting something that's natural so that you will feel guilty enough to abort, and then what might you feel forever? Yep...guilt. :unsure It stinks, but that's what the facts are. Either you feel guilty for keeping the baby when he doesn't want you to (although once it gets here there won't be guilt...you'll be glad you gave birth) or you feel guilty for listening to him and having an abortion.
Okay I've blabbed wayyyy too much. Let me know what you think hon, and hang in there, okay? (((Hugs))) We're here for you no matter what.
After the fallback from Tuesday night I must announce that I've decided not to keep the baby. Even though that's what I really want, I could not bring a life into the world knowing the father wants nothing to do with him. The appt is scheduled for Saturday morning. I'm really afraid to go through with it. Not the physical pain but what will come afterwards...namely guilt, resentment towards myself & father, grief, emptyness, etc. Please have a thought for me. Thanks.
*crying* I am so sorry that you have decided to go against what is in your heart. My husband was raised without a father and he is the most wonderful, loving man on the planet. He has a great career, a family, etc. and he doesn't even regret not having a father in his life. I guess my point is that I am afraid for you and how you will feel after this is over. He will be gloating that he got his way and probably leave (statistically this is what usually happens) and as the PP said, you will most likely be alone with your guilt. I compromised my beliefs and desires when I had my abortion 6 yrs ago. There is nothing I wouldn't give to just hit rewind. I beg you to reconsider not because I am hell bent on saving the baby's life but because you have the rest of yours to live...and regret! Normally I wouldn't say all this but you seem so attached already to this baby that terminating just to please a man just seems like the ultimate betrayal of yourself. That is all I can say right now. I will of course be here to help you after the abortion and supportive as always, just a little sad for you. I will pray for you. Love, Christine
Aw hon...((((hugs))))...I wish I could say that you're doing the right thing, but I can't say that because you aren't making this choice for yourself. :ummm You're letting him get his way when you want the exact opposite. You're letting your fears get the better of you, and in fact - neither of you know what he's going to think if the baby were born.
I want you to know I'm still very much here for you and want to be supportive of you during this time no matter what you do, but I am going to ask that you take some more time to think about this...maybe another week...however long it takes for you to feel "okay" about your choice. Like I entitled the website - this has to be a choice that YOU can live with - not your ex. Your child would be happy and live a fulfilled life with love from just you if that's what it came down to hon. Please for your own sake...reconsider and just switch that appointment for a later date, because I'm not saying "don't do it" - I'm just saying "don't do it for the wrong reasons."
Don't feel pressured here though - I want this to be a safe place for you no matter what you do, okay? So feel free to take our advice with a grain of salt and do what you're gonna do anyway. It's just I've seen so many situations I can kinda tell what might be lying ahead for some women. I hope you get what I'm trying to say here. I'm here 100% for you no matter what, okay hon? (((Hugs)))
Emma,
I encourage you to read your post closely. Basically he's throwing a temper tantrum because he's not getting his way. It doesn't sound like he's thinking about what you want, but rather he's gone into self-preservation mode. Your partner's rant was all about him and his life. He wasn't thinking about you. What makes his life more important than your happiness? He's trying to bully and push you into a solution he wants you to take. But remember, you need to be happy, you will have to live with this decision on your heart. I do recommend taking some time away from him to consider your options. I know it's hard, but you need to put you and your child first. You could do this on your own. You don't need him for your life to go on. Be strong girl! You deserve better than a man that belittles and bullies you. Here are some inspirational quotes, for strength and encouragement:
www.gravityteen.com/think/think.cfm
You've already expressed concerns about guilt and resentment towards yourself if you go through with this. This concern me. These are signs that this decision isn't for you and that you may have difficulties coping down the road. I'm not going to discourage you from having an abortion, but I do encourage you to take some more time to think about your decision. Once it's done, you can't take the abortion back. To relate to what you're experiencing, here are the stories of some women who were pressured into having an abortion by their male partner:
www.abortionconcern.org/s...pe=partner
It may break our heart to see you making a decision against your will. But like the PP said, we will still be here for you and support you regardless of what you choose.
Dear Emma,
Big (((hugs))) to you. You seem to me to be a strong woman. You've been through a lot and currently have a a lot going on right now. I want to encourage you to continue to be strong and to continue to believe in yourself. I've been reading through this thread and the line about "Going in to his cavern" from John Gray in an earlier post of yours keeps going through my head. I'm so familiar with this term and experiencing the cavern. Are you familiar with the whole book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus? If you have it...I encourage you to browse through chapter 3 again. If you don't have it--I encourage you to pick up a copy (library?) and read through chapter 3.
The book states, "When Martians go to their caves they tend to forget that their friends may be having problems too. An instinct takes over that says before you can take care of anybody else, you must first take care of yourself." Sounds to me like he may be looking to come up with a solution that is best for him and may not be looking at what is best for you. The book explains it better than I can. Are you interested in continuing a relationship with him after he comes out of his cavern? Have you had a chance to think upon what the relationship may be like for you with either choice? One last thought from me...when I was experiencing a tough spot in my relationship (a friend that is a guy) told me that the trick to a relationship with a man is for the woman to be in control but to do it in a manner that the man really thinks he's in control. Please keep in mind--all appointments in life can be rescheduled if you'd like a little more time. I'm thinking of you.
Best wishes to you.
musiclover :)
Hi there Emma,
Just wanted to give you some big ((((Hugs)))) for tomorrow. I hope you'll stop in and let us know how you're feeling as soon as you're up to it. Like we all said...we still care about you, no matter what you do, okay hon? We want to help you through any feelings that come up after the abortion.
My thoughts and prayers are with you dear.
God go with you Emma. You and your baby are in my prayers tonight. Luv, Christine
I'm still thinking about you hon, and I hope you're doing well. Please update if you can, okay? (((Hugs)))
Love,
Rose
Well, it's done. Saturday was the day. It went pretty well, the pple at the clinic were really nice and caring and the BF was there to support me. It's funny though how men don't realize how hurtful an abortion can be. My BF was sweet and took me off to a week-end in Burlington to relax and to shop a bit. I was upset on and off but he had no clue to really why I felt that way. He thinks I should think rationally, put my emotions aside and that that will make it better sooner. He has trouble understanding that I feel as though it was a real baby inside me.
I also feel as though I need his support to get through this difficult time but he cannot comprehend this phenomenon. Are my feelings about this normal? I think I need to grieve with him, his presence, to feel better again.
Anyhow, I just wanted to tell you all thanks again for your support & advice and that the intervention went really well. I even got to look at the baby during the ecography ; I think I had to do this in order to fully sieze what happened
I am sorry this has been such a hard experience for you. Your bf has to realize that ending a pregnancy is not like getting a troublesome tooth pulled. You cannot buy icecream after it is done and magically feel better. You in fact have lost a part of yourself and yes, you are correct that you need to allow yourself to grieve. Rose has some fantastic post abortive resources here on the board if you are interested. You mentioned seeing the baby just before the procedure. What did you see and how did it make you feel? It is important to acknowledge all your emotions so you can work through this. What kind of procedure did you have? Make sure you take it easy ok? We are all here for you so vent as needed. Luv, Christine
Thanks for popping back in to update us hon. ((((Hugs))))) I'm glad that the procedure itself went well for you. I'm sorry to hear your boyfriend is being a bit insensitive though. I'm sure part of it is that he just doesn't understand what an abortion is like, but another part of it is that he doesn't understand that this was a baby you lost. And you gotta remember, he's probably pretty happy that he got his way. There really isn't room for sadness when all that is running through his mind.
What I'm saying is you are normal to feel you need to grieve with him, but I doubt if he's going to be able to give you the support you need since he is not at the same emotional level as you, kwim? That's why we're here and there are professional post-abortion counselors as well you could talk with. If you have a friend you can confide in or a woman you know who has had an abortion...these are all great sources of comfort.
(((Hugs))) Post again during the upcoming days and let us know how you are, okay hon?
As I mentionned, I say the baby on the monitor during the echography. I must admit I did feel better by doing so. It was like it confirmed I was really pregnant, the feelings in my body and heart. At the same time, I somehow took a deep breath and said goodbye to him. Kind of like saying goodbye to a loved one in a coffin. I think it gave me courage to go through the intervention and some sense of closure as well. The real closure will come with time and grief will be gone through but it did me a world of good. I just wish I would of had my BF to look at him (he was sleeping in the waiting room...). Maybe he would of understood that this felt like a real tiny human being to me.:ummm
By the way, may I ask how much bleeding afterwards is normal? I still have horrible pain and am bleeding quite alot. I'm thinking about going to the ER tonight.
I'm glad you were able to find closure in seeing your baby hon. Lots of women aren't that strong. It is too bad that your BF was asleep in the waiting room while you went through this though. :plain
Bleeding - what kind of abortion did you have? I'd assume it was a vacuum abortion. You can expect to bleed or spot anywhere from 3 days to 2 weeks following the abortion - but it should not be heavy. Heavy bleeding should not occur because most of your lining was suctioned out during the abortion. You also should not be experiencing large amounts of pain. Cramping is normal, but severe pain is not. These symptoms could signal an incomplete abortion or other problems. I'd advise you go back to the clinic, to your GYN, or to the ER for an evaluation for sure.
Let us know what happens, okay hon?
For more info on the procedure and what to expect now, visit: www.choicetolivewith.com/vacuumabortion.html
Had to share this situation... Okay well this week the BF worked long hours and barely took the time to text message me to know if I was alright. Thursday night I decided to write him an email telling him how difficult it was for me physically and how much I hurt about losing the baby. I also told him I felt anger towards him for not being as sensitive as I thought he could be. Last week-end, coming back from our overnight trip to Vermont, we had talked about going to Mount Washington for the week-end and he told me he thought it a good idea and that I needed to take my mind off things. Anyways, last night I received a text message saying he read the email, that he's sorry about not being there enough, that all this is too intimate and altogether too much for him. He said he's exploding and needs to be alone even though it's a very bad time :exclamation
Can you believe this?? I did not answer the message. Don't even know what to say. Am totally numb. At least my friends took me out, and tonight again but it's not the same thing. I don't even know if I've just been dumped while I'm not even yet physically recovered from the abortion!
Overwhelmed... Advice please...
((((Hugs)))) Oh I'm so sorry that he's treated you that way. :sad It doesn't come as a huge shock to me though - unfortunately. A lot of men pull this after they get the women to abort for them. They get their way and then decide that was too close for comfort and then move on, leaving you to wonder what happened.
Advice? Hmmm...I'm not sure what to tell you to do really, since there isn't much you can do to affect whether he decides to stay with you or leave. I'd just suggest that you continue to work through your own emotions regarding the abortion, and leave him to figure things out on his own for right now maybe. Don't depend on him to be sensitive to you or considerate of your feelings - remember that if he was sensitive or considerate of the way you feel, he'd have supported you when you wanted to remain pregnant.
((((Hugs)))) Please let us know what he does next hon. My heart goes out to you.
His actions are unfortunately very common in a situation such as yours. I agree with the PP that he got his way, he has nothing to lose and may well be moving on. However, on the flip side, you both lost a child. Rather or not he ever wanted the baby is irrelevent. Impregnating a woman is the crowning achievement of manhood. It proves their virility, that they are not impotent. It defines the role of a man. When a man refuses to acknowledge that, to deny his own flesh and blood, strange things happen and they feel emotions that confuse them and scare them. Perhaps this is another way of looking at it. Traditionally it is the role of the man to protect and provide for his family, not make it disappear and forget about it. I cry for you sweetie because before you went through with the abortion, I feared this might happen. The same thing happened to me and gosh it hurt really bad. 6 yrs have passed since the day I aborted and the regret is still there but I know I will see my baby again when I leave this world and get to heaven. That gives me a peace that passes all understanding. My ex is of course long gone with a new family and he never looks back. I alone live with the consequenses of my "choice". I agree that you should seek out a post abortive group and really try to work through this. We will support you 100% ok? Luv, Christine
I'm still angry as heck at him. I emailed him this morning and am still awiting an answer. Just told him silence is more painful than words... I so need closure in this story.
I'm seeing my school councillor about all of this. She asked me to write him a letter. To let all my anger and resentment out. Then, she and I will burn it and I'll write another, a bit more toned down, letter.
Anyhow, I think I'm feeling a bit better but there's less numbness and more anger. It comes in waves of sadness, remorse for the baby, anger towards Him, etc. I'd just like him to be there though. A good steady shoulder to lean on. I guess that through this I'll learn to be my own shoulder...
I think expressing your feelings as they come is very important. I tried to internalize my emotions and that didn't work out so well:wink I am 6 yrs post abort and I still to this day feel a tinge of sadness when I think about the circumstances that led up to the abortion. However, just so you know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, the pain doesn't last forever sweetie. One of the best things that still helps me is to share my story and try to help other women. Do you have a pastor or priest or someone that you can talk to in confidence? Are you still in love with your bf or are you leaning towards leaving him? He has treated you as if your feelings don't matter. Could you see yourself staying with him forever knowing that he is like this? You deserve better. (((hugs))) Christine
You have every right to be angry at him hon - he didn't treat you very nicely. Hopefully there will be a time for the anger to end though so that you can continue to heal. Each phase of healing needs its time though.
I would think that you should try to find a good shoulder somewhere else for now. The relationship with this guy may or may not work out, but you're going to need support regardless. I'm glad you are talking to your school counselor - is there anyone else who is close to you that you can confide in about this?
(((((Hugs)))))
My friends are very supportive. They call, take me out of the house, are just there for me. As for the councillor, she's a friend also. My "homework" was to write a 'rage' letter, and then to burn it. Which I did. I also wrote his a very long email talking about the baby, myself, him. It felt great. I got the courage to call him my feelings, I was brutal but just and fair. A coward needs to be called as such. Guess that might not get me into his good graces, but do I really want to go back there? I just need closure and to find forgiveness towards myself and him too for everything that happened.
It's kind of strange though. I was looking through the letters sent by women to their ab father on the afterabortion website and found a situation similar to mine : the woman getting dumped exactly 6 days after the ab! What a cruel situation... But somehow I'm finding the strenght to get through this double grief. The pain is still so present but the waves are farther apart. Wierd though, I have a hard time crying. The tears just flowed like a river before the ab and the days following it. Since Friday ("D" day) nothing. Does that mean anything?
It's funny that the old saying is always so true : "when the going gets tough, the tough get going"!.
(((hugs))) It really is ok to cry less and less. As long as you continue to acknowledge the feelings and not just push them aside. Grief, anger, resentment, relief, repression etc...these can all be felt after abortion. However you are working towards restoration and release...You have to release your bf, your baby and the regrets that bind you. This will allow you to be free. Support is crucial to this process and it helps if you have others to talk to who have been through it too. Like many of us here at CTLW... I think that as time passes, the memory may fade, the rollercoaster of emotions may slow down and life will hopefully get back to normal for you. Until that happens, any range of emotions, even numbness is normal. Luv, Christine
What did he say when you told him about your feelings? Did you get a response from him yet?
When I first started this site, I worked with a woman that aborted because of her boyfriend begging and demanding, and he left her the next day! What a jerk! :mad There she was, alone - without the baby she wanted and the man she aborted it for. :ummm It was a very sad time for her too. She became suicidal. But anyway...my point is that it is a very common thing - more common than it should be.
It's normal to "dry up" and not have tears any more. It doesn't necessarily mean that you're feeling better, just that the edge has worn off a bit. You'll find you'll go through phases of feeling okay about the abortion all the way to regretting it. The point is to come to a place where you can feel okay about regretting it, does that make sense? There will probably always be sadness, but hopefully that will be replaced with peace later on down the road.
Remember I'm always available to talk one-on-one if you ever need it...as are most of the women here. ((((Hugs))))
Love,
Rose
I finally got news this morning. Basically, he needs to work things out on his own and cannot be in any relationship. Which is fine by me. However I've asked him to spare 24 hours of his life to console me, to let me mourne the loss of my child in his arms. his does not have to say a word, nor to apologize, just to hold me and let me cry. He's said yes. I'm grateful. I know it's the least he can do but I'm still grateful. It will be hard afterwards to pack my belongings and leave for good but I think it, somehow, will give me some comfort and some closure.
(((Hugs)))) It's too bad you have to beg him for 24 hours out ofhis life, but I'm glad that it will make you happy for the time being. Will you let us know how it goes and how you are after hon?
Hang in there hon. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
My heart goes out to you for all that has recently happened. I had a similiar experience with a BF several years ago. I'm so glad you mentioned your friends and that they took you out for a night. Friends are such a blessing and really made/make a big difference in my life! Are they keeping in touch with you regularly? I had one friend that told me to call her everytime (day or night) when I wanted to call my BF until I was used to not calling him. That was a big help! She and I got to know each other very well! I called a lot in the beginning! Another thing that helped me was reconnecting with my spiritual beliefs in a personal way. It gave me an inner strength and peace when things were (and get) really tough. Do you have any spiritual beliefs? Those are just two things that really helped me through a tough time. It would be so nice if the hurting could stop instantly. One thing we can count on is time does pass and it will get easier. Think positive! Hang in there!
Thoughts and Prayers,
musiclover67
Hi! I'm new here. Does not keeping the baby involve abortion or adoption? Those are the only 2 legal ways I heard of to get rid of an unwanted child. As far as the guy goes, he doesn't know what he really wants. I know that because I am a man. When my wife and I decided to have children, all was good. Five months into the pregnancy and I changed my mind and didn't want a kid anymore, a couple of months later and I did again. It was all very confusing. It was my experience that there was no connection to the child until he was born. There is something tangible there, while during pregnancy, the man can't touch or hold anything and it is difficult to get emotionally attached. That is not to say that every man will feel differently (or admit to it) after the child is born.
Anyway, I felt compelled to write after reading all the threads because I didn't see adoption offered. Most men, not wanting to support a child, would probably not mind having their child supported and raised by another person.
My heart goes out to all you ladies who are always left holding the bag and making the tough choices. I have insulated myself from the realities of this world and never realized how much pain a man could put to a woman. I am sorry.
Welcome onelifetolive! You are the first man to join CTLW I believe. Although you could not possibly assume responsibility for the actions of all the inconsiderate men out there, your apology is very touching. I think in Emma's situation nobody mentioned adoption because she leaned heavily in favor of continuing the pregnancy and pursuing motherhood. I had given her a link to my story which does in fact include open adoption. However, in the end, aborting was a hard decision for her and had an unfortunate ending as she is without the bf's support and is hurting emotionally. However we must be very sensitive to her choice and offer only support. I believe that hindsight is always 20/20 and that when we go through something painful, it is in order for us to grow and learn and hopefully share with others...We welcome your insight and I think (without speaking for others here) that a man's perspective would be of great help to other women in situations like this. Feel free to hang around. Christine
Welcome Onelifetolive :biggrin It's nice to see a man here! I hope you'll stick around and give us a man's perspective now and then. :wink
As Christine mentioned, Emma did want to keep this baby, and I think we all put our energy into doing what she wanted...which is our goal around here. Now that Emma has had the abortion, we're all just trying to help her through this.
(((Hugs))) Thanks for posting! :biggrin
I was very touched by this Man's commentary. It was sensible and very sweet. Thank you onelife to give.
As for me, life goes on. I spent the last two week-ends with my bf...or ex... He's asked me to go on, just warning me he's not able to get as intimate emotionally as I'd want. I'm fine with that for the time being. I feel I have to mourn my child with him at my side. After that's passed, I'll reconsider... For the time being, though, I'm feeling alot better, not as alone anymore.
Just wanted to say one last thanks to all you ladies, and gentlemen, who were there when it mattered.
Love and hope,
Emma xx
(((Hugs))) Thanks for the update Emma...it's always nice to hear how you're doing. Do come back and update us whenever you have something to share. We're here for you any time. :wink
Love,
Rose
I kinda feel like a bumbling idiot now. I thought I read the whole thread and now I find out there were 3 pages. I inappropriately responded to a situation that had changed already. Please bear with me as I become acclimated to this site.
No worries OLTG. :biggrin We were all newbies at one point or another. Those little page numbers are very small and hard to see if you're not looking. I've done the same myself.
Love,
Rose
No worries OLTL! I have responded to the wrong person before, wrong page the works:blush ! It is the thought that counts though. Don't give up ok? Luv, Christine
Emma Glad to hear you are doing the best that you can at the moment. (((( big hugs)))). I had a similar situation unfortunately mine turned out to be a disaster because he was married. And no I did not see it nor was I blind sighted. He just happened to have been one of the sneakier jerks that was put on this earth to annoy and hurt others. Ok enough venting......... I am glad someone is there by your side to support you while you mourn. Remember we are here for you as well if you need us.
A man's perspective would be wonderful considering most men in the world find it difficult to speak of such sensitive issues.
Hi MJ,
You're right, having somebody there to mourne is very helpful and very needed in this situation. I'm so very sorry about what you had to go through. I know my advice may sound sappy and everything but in the end, the best thing to do is to embrace this experience as such : use this pain from your lost child and your hatred of that guy to make you a stronger and more sensitive human being. Stronger because you got through this awful time and more sensitive because it makes you more aware of people's feelings. Again, I'm sorry if what I say sounds a bit sappy but I've learned you must find the positive no matter that.
Luv and much hope for you,
Emma
Ahhhhhhh Emma you are such a wise woman. Don't get me wrong yes the guy was the BIGGEST jerk but I did exactly what you suggested and now my life could not get any better. Like you, I too take a look at the positive in most things. I definatley do not take anything you write as being sappy. Every person has their own experiences and take it from me posting and venting are two of the most theraputic things a person can do. I feel for you in the fact that the BF was there for you at the time but as far as I can see you are a stong person and you are taking each day as they come. You will make it :biggrin
LUV MJ
Thanks MJ! You know what, we'll all make it in the end! Ciao
Emma
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