I made the horrible discovery today that I am officially a week late and am probably pregnant. I have never been late except for the two times I wound up being pregnant. In a nutshell:
I had an abortion at age 20 and still suffer wrenching guilt. I regret that decision to this day.
Ten years later, I had a child who is now 3. I almost died in my pregnancy--it turns out I have a blood-clotting autoimmune disorder that is incompatible with pregnancy. It causes liver failure, kidney failure, and seizures. I lived but the baby was 3 months early and very sick. Our medical bills exceeded $500,000 (but thank God I had insurance then that covered all of it). My doctor told me I should not have another child. Fine, because I don't WANT another child. My child is my life. Besides, I only ever wanted one. I knew we didn't have enough money for more. I have just enough for my daughter.
So now, after faithful use of condoms/spermicide/rhythm method (as I cannot use the pill or IUDs, both owing to my illness), my life is totally f***ed up again and I am pregnant. If I have this unwanted child, I could leave my daughter motherless and homeless (as we do not have medical insurance that covers maternity--my daughter was so sick I could not put her in daycare, so I quit my job and work at home, and my husband's job doesn't offer health care). We spend $400 a month on insurance that covers almost nothing ($5000 deductible). And NO MATERNITY BENEFIT.
But I will burn in hell if I have another abortion, right?! Some compassionate God! Make my child possibly motherless and homeless for the new one who I don't want at ALL and did everything to prevent!!!!! (Aside from celibacy.)
My husband is getting a vasectomy either way, so I will never be in this situation again (all 3 were his). But now what do I do, now that my LIFE is in the TOILET?
-notagain
Saturday, January 15, 2005
Please help, any advice desperately needed . . .
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23 comments:
notagain,
Welcome to the board. I'm sorry you've found yourself in such a difficult situation. I don't have any advice for you at this time, however the others here might have some insight. You are in my thoughts.
I can understand that you are feeling desperate and I can sense the frustration in your message. I want you to know that there are women here and in your area who can help you as you make your decision. Please try to not feel like you are in a trap. You are not, even though you may "feel" that you are. We are here for you...
Hi. Welcome.
(((Big hugs))) for you.
I know it can be so difficult when you are pregnant with a child you never planned for. I found myself in a similar circumstance with my first son- Sean. I also have a medical condition that was heavily aggravated by pregnancy and because I had absolutely no medical care for the first trimester, there was a significant risk of health problems for my baby too. I was holding my breath during the first ultrasound-at 12 weeks. It turned out he was fine. His body had formed perfectly and he was very healthy. I was so relieved....and nervous about the rest of the pregnancy. Each trimester posed different threats to myself and to my son but I did my very best to take care of both of us and though I spent the last month before he was born(5weeks early)on bed rest and I had to be hospitalized, I can honestly say I am so happy with my choice. He is turning four at the end of January.
Because the pregnancy was so challenging and health threatening I was offered the option of tubal ligation after he was born....in fact, it was strongly recommended. The surgery was scheduled but at the last minute I backed out. I just wasn't completely comfortable with the whole thing. It was such a permanent decision and I was afraid that I might regret it later.
I am glad I held off. I gave birth to my son Cian last March. The pregnancy was a completely different experience than it was with Sean. I still had to see the doctor twice a week- three specialists who helped to care for us during the pregnancy. The retinopathy in my eyes was aggravated quite a bit but my kidneys are doing well. My circulation(blood) has recently become more normal and the neuropathy in my hands and feet is manageable. This time the doctor was a little more persistent about a tubal ligation for my health. I consented and when Cian was born they did the surgery. I knew I needed to be healthy to raise my two boys. Now, I have no regrets.
I am surprised you were not offered a tubal ligation if your health is in danger. Have you ever discussed this with your doctor? I have heard that some doctors are concerned about performing them on young women who may change their minds and desire more children later, but a competent physician always looks out for the best interest of their patient. I was only 22 when it was first suggested to me and I was 25 when it was done. But both of the physicians who offered it to me were looking out for my health and were more than willing to do it in spite of my age.
As for advice now,what does your heart tell you? Do you have total peace about aborting. If not, I would wait. Actually, that was how I decided about my surgery.
I know you are in a different circumstance since you are already pregnant,the baby is here and you have to make a decision under much pressure, but the principle is the same. Make sure this is really what you want in your heart.
Have you gone through the workbook on this site? It is an awesome tool. The feelings and beliefs pages seem like they could be helpful for you. Your previous experience with abortion is another tool you can use to sort through your feelings now. It seems from your post that you are still really hurting. (((hugs))). I can't imagine the pain of your loss.
Please keep writing and we will be here for you as you walk through this. You are not alone.
Hey there sweetie, sorry about your situation. I wish I had some profound advice but I don't. What I can tell you is that you will not "burn in hell" for having a theraputic abortion. God knows your heart and to me, you don't sound like a woman who wants an abortion for selfish reasons. It seems more like that given the circumstances, you are looking out for your whole family's well being. I had an abortion in 1999, and I know how bad the guilt and regret can be. However, the past is the past and all you can do now is move on and do the best you can from here on out. It is possible that you could have a very difficult pregnancy, and a sick baby. Or, like a PP said, could be perfectly normal. Every go round is different. As for insurance, could you qualify for state assistance? No matter what the outcome, we are here for you. Vent all you like. Love, Christine
Hi Notagain...big (((((hugs))))). I'm sorry you have to be here, but I'm glad you found us.
I'd like to ask some questions about what's going on so that I can be of more help to you. What is the name of the condition that you have? Did the doctor suggest a tubal ligation to you? It seems that they would've, since pregnancy can occur even with strict birth control use, or was it suggested that you terminate if you ever got pregnant again?
No condition is incompatable with pregnancy. I'm not saying it doesn't feel like it is, and I'm not suggesting a pregnancy wouldn't be very very difficult, but it is never necessary that you have an abortion...your choice is still your choice. That has its positives and its negatives. You have to make a decision, but then on the other hand, you are able to make a decision instead of being forced.
Have you looked into and/or do you qualify for stat health insurance? Have you looked into the Nurturing Network - they have doctors that provide services to women that can't afford it otherwise. I'm confident that we can help you find a way to get some financial assistance. Every state has maternity insurance, meaning that they have to cover you if you are pregnant and need health care.
I'd suggest that we see what we can do about the top two questions before we get too in depth into thinking about what to do. A lot will hinge on what I've asked. If you can carry the baby, and get help with finances, that might make you feel confident enough to carry this baby to term.
We're here to help you hon, and if you need to talk about your previous abortion, we can help there too. Please email me any time, and feel free to do the workbook pages on the site. (((((Hugs)))))) again!
Hi, and thanks for your replies. choicetolivewith/Rose, I would like to e-mail you but don't have the address, and couldn't find out how, so I hope you read this.
1) I have antiphospholipid antibody syndrome and hypercoagulable blood. I have a medical textbook that says that this disorder is incompatible with pregnany because the mother's body continually attacks the fetus and kills the placenta by filling it with clots. Generally, women with this disorder cannot carry a baby longer than 20 weeks (which, along with the plaecnta pathology, is diagnostic). No one knows how I did, but I was hospitalized and on antiseizure drugs for 6 weeks before my baby was born, and she had severe IUGR owing to getting next to no nutrition.
2) I don't know why no one recommended tubal ligation. I wish they had. I wish I had died at that time, actually--before my baby knew me and would miss me.
3) My husband and I made $60,000 last year---way too much to qualify for any aid at all (how unfair is that?), but way too little to ever, ever pay for a medical bill that will exceed half a million dollars (it will probably be much more this time because I will have to be seen by 3 specialists bimonthly, have 2 heparin shots daily, and ultrasounds monthly). We're barely making it as it is. Even if we sell our house and become homeless, steal our daughter's college money, and give all our savings, we'll be way short.
Can you tell I'm a little angry? It *IS* hopeless. I have never heard of anyone in such a bad situation. If it weren't for my daughter needing me, I would kill myself today. But she really loves me. Believe it or not, I am a wonderful mother :(
Hi again hon, real quick...what state are you in so I can look into insurance information?
I'm probably going to be seeing high-risk perinatologist later today, and I'll ask him about your condition and what he'd recommend.
((((Hugs)))) I'm sure you're a terrific mother hon, no one doubts that for a moment, okay? Take it easy and let me see what I can find out. My email address is choicetolivewith@comcast.net, and you can also reach me by sending anything through the website (the workbook sheets, the contact us form, etc), and you can also click on my name on the board and send me a private email message as well.
I'm in Pennsylvania.
I talked to my high-risk perinatologist last year--he and my rheumatologist said the standard treatment is
1) baby aspirin
2) 2 heparin shots daily
both starting 1 month before conception. Apparently, once the zygote is implanted, the disease response is in place and there's no stopping it. The defect in the placenta happens at the moment of implantation, as I understand it. He also said, if I ever decided to try again, which he didn't recommend, I'd still have a 50/50 chance of getting sick (vs almost 100% without treatment) and a 10% chance of dying. Not good odds.
Thanks for your help anyway, I'll be eager to hear what you find out. I do not want to have this baby, but I want even less to have an abortion . . .
Hi there.
So sorry to hear about your situation. I know it seems like the end of your world, but it is far from it. It could be the beginning of something great!
Take the time to do the workbook pages here to clarify your feelings about abortion. YOU WILL NOT ROT IN HELL if the abortion is to save your life! But don't torture yourself unnecessarily either.
You will make it through this...whatever you decide, you have done it before so take comfort in that!
Have you talked to your husband about all of this?
notagain,
((Hugs)) It sounds like you're a Christian, and by chance so am I. I'm far from being the perfect Christian and have learned about God's compassion, love and forgiveness first hand. If it's alright, I'd like share about this with you by e-mail
Well I did not end up seeing the high risk guy, but I will call tomorrow for you. It's always helpful to get second and third opinions before losing hope. Some doctors, although they may be wonderful at the way they practice medicine may not understand that some women might not want to abort. In these cases, it's good to talk to a doctor who won't recommend abortion just to see what he would recommend. Then see what suits you more, kwim?
I did some searching on the internet for you (I'm sure you have too), and I found the odds are more likely that you and your baby will be okay rather than not. The main site I've been looking at is: www.emedicine.com/med/topic3258.htm Here are some quotes from the page:
APS increases the risk for maternal and fetal morbidity and fetal mortality in pregnancy. The rate of fetal loss may exceed 90% in untreated patients who have APS. Therapy (including aspirin and heparin) can reduce the rate of fetal loss to 25%, as described by Cowchock et al.
Obstetric care
- Patients should be counseled in all cases regarding symptoms of thrombosis and thromboembolism and should be educated regarding and examined frequently for the signs or symptoms of thrombosis or thromboembolism, severe PIH, or decreased fetal movement.
- In patients with poor obstetric histories, evidence of PIH, or evidence of fetal growth restriction, ultrasonography is recommended every 3-4 weeks starting at 18-20 weeks of gestation.
- Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) values may suggest early prognosis of the pregnancy outcome in the first trimester. If hCG levels are increasing normally (ie, doubling every 2 d) in the first month of pregnancy, a successful outcome is predicted in 80-90% of cases. However, when the increases are abnormal (ie, slower), a poor outcome is predicted in 70-80% of cases.
- In patients with uncomplicated APS, ultrasonography is recommended at 30-32 weeks of gestation (ie, to evaluate uteroplacental sufficiency).
- Low molecular weight heparin (LMWH) may be used in APS and pregnancy (replacement of unfractionated sodium heparin).
- Importantly, counsel the patient regarding potential adverse effects of heparin. Heparin-induced osteoporosis occurs in 1-2% of cases.
- Drugs such as chloroquine and cytotoxic agents are not recommended during pregnancy, and patients should stop taking these drugs several months prior to becoming pregnant.
- Warfarin may be substituted for heparin during the postpartum period to limit further risk of heparin-induced osteoporosis and bone fracture.
- Splenectomy during the early second trimester or at the time of cesarean delivery may be considered in patients refractory to glucocorticoid therapy.
Proposed Management for Women With aPL Antibodies: APS without prior pregnancy loss or thrombosis: No treatment or daily treatment with low-dose aspirin or daily treatment with prophylactic doses of heparin plus low-dose aspirin. Optimal management uncertain.
Special Concerns: Pregnancy in itself is not harmful to the mother or the baby unless the added work related to the newborn and the emotional stress in the family prove to be too much for a particular patient. Therapeutic abortions are generally not indicated in pregnant women with autoimmune disease.
That's all I could find for right now, but do some more digging. Honestly, if they thought that this was honestly going to kill you and there was no chance for the baby to make it, I'd have to say they'd be doing more than putting you on Heparin and baby aspirin to prevent clotting.
It does say: The biologic effects mediated by the human aPL antibodies include (1) reactivity with endothelial structures, which disturbs the balance of prostaglandin E2/thromboxane production; (2) interaction with platelet PLs, with consequent up-regulation of platelet aggregation; (3) dysregulation of complement activation; and (4) interaction of aPL with phosphatidylserine exposed during trophoblast syncytium formation, which raises the possibility of a more direct effect of these autoantibodies on placental structures.
This means that it does start to act on the placenta immediately, but the sooner you start Heparin and baby ASA the better, as that's all that's needed to prevent the clots. Nothing says anywhere I've read that it might kill you, or that it is incompatible with pregnancy, only difficult. What book are you reading that says that I wonder? It also doesn't say anything about not carrying the baby past 20 weeks, but that probably has more to do with the level of your disorder. Did you know you had this for your last pregnancy? Was because of lack of early treatment that things were so bad toward the end?
I's also like to add that you won't burn in hell for abortion. I believe in God, and the God I know doesn't want anyone to burn in hell, nor does he set you up for failure, kwim? If you'd like to talk more about this, please email me about it...spirituality is such a personal topic. I also work with post-abortive women who regret their abortions and try to help them find peace and healing. I'm here for you anytime hon.
Still looking on insurance issues...one step at a time I guess. :) I'll write more later hon. ((((Hugs)))))
Oops...one more question...sick of me yet? :blush Did you have preeclampsia? You mentioned being on seizure meds while pregnant, and I was wondering if that was what you meant about you "getting sick"? You can be treated with IVIG injections to avoid that if so, and most of these meds should be covered since they don't relate to pregnancy, but rather to your disorder. Meaning that if you have a nice doctor, he should be able to get it covered for you.
doing all this legwork and research to help a complete stranger. Thank you. I am beginning to calm down.
My husband and I have called our insurance sales agent to ask if he can find us a plan that will cover me. We also asked his boss to try to find a policy that will cover me. We have decided that if we cannot find insurance, we will definitely abort. I don't want to ruin my family's, and especially my daughter's, entire future with a catastrophic medical bill.
If we can get insurance, I will talk to my OB/GYN, and have him help me evaluate my situation. I have decided that risking death is unacceptable to me and I will not carry the pregnancy if he thinks I will get sick again (say, more than 80% chance).
You asked what I had. I developed severe early onset preeclampsia that began turning into HELLP and the baby started failing (heart rate kept dropping to the 30s, failed biophysical profiles) (so I had an emergency c-sec after weeks of hospital bedrest). My blood pressure ranged from around 160/100 to 220/160 for the weeks I was on hospital bedrest, no matter how many drugs I was on. Since then, it seems that everyone I know knows someone who died of it. In fact, there was a baby in the NICU with my daughter whose mom was in the CCU on life support. Same disease. I keep hearing awful stories. I'm worried about the baby dying, of course, as my daughter almost did, but (I know this is selfish), I'm much more worried about me dying.
The hcg level paragraph you posted me actually is not good news. I don't think my hcg level is doubling normally. I'm over a week overdue and still no positive pg test. This happened last time too. I tested constantly throughout my first trimester and never got a positive result. It only showed up on blood tests (same with my first, aborted pregnancy) because my hcg was so low, and did not increase fast enough. But I am definitely pregnant---the sore, bigger, and tingly breasts are definitive for me. So I guess that's a bad sign.
To answer another question, no, I didn't know I had APS at the time. It was diagnosed after/because of the pregnancy. My OB/GYN sent me to a rheumatologist after this episode, who diagnosed the APS. I received excellent prenatal care (probably why my baby survived) but obviously wasn't on aspirin/heparin.
Anyway, I feel better having a plan. We will probably not keep the baby, but won't continue a pregnancy that could ruin my life, and my family's future.
If I can find hope (and insurance) in the next week or so, we may keep it. I'm warming to that idea. But my time for RU-486 is running out. I don't want another surgical abortion if I can help it . . .
Sorry for the book.
Look on the bright side, medical bills cannot ruin your credit! I was a single mom and I have about $6,500 in unpaid ER and dr.bills because my baby's daddy was worthless and never provided health insurance as ordered by the court. I was still able to buy a car, lease an apt. etc. By law, lenders cannot even consider your medical bills in deciding loans and stuff like that! I am sure those laws were made to protect people in your types of situation. So even if you did run up an astronomical bill, who cares? Your lives and happiness are worth more! $ is just $, we cannot take it with us. That is my $0.02 for what its worth. I am glad to hear you have a plan and wish you all the best! Luv, Christine
So glad to hear that you are calming down and that you have a plan! Knowledge is power, so keep reading as much as you can about your condition.
What is the possibility of a fund raiser to help off-set your medical costs if need be? There are ALOT of generous people out there, you just have to get the word out!
Have faith that everything will work out for the best....it usually does!
Just wanted to let you know that you are in my prayers. I too have had past abortions.
One of the things I have come to understand is that God is involved in the conception of every new life. He knows all the problems with this pregnancy. And you know what He also knows, "This child's life will probably end naturally before very much longer." The chances of a miscarriage are very high.
What God may be trying to ask you is, "Do you trust in Him or do trust your own will, only". There are so many situations that can look impossibly bleak to humans but God just sees the good. Hang in there for a while, say your prayers, and trust in God, honey. He won't let you down.
Also, if you feel you must end this pregnancy do not use RU-486. It has such a problem with bleeding. Your body doesn't sound like it would handle that well.
thanks again for all your support. I need it. You and my husband and my sister are the only ones with whom I'm discussing this so far.
lahela_rose, I would like to talk via e-mail. What is your address? I tried clicking on your name, but it just brings me to the ezboard main page, and I don't know what to do from there.
Is it true that medical bills can't ruin credit? I've never heard that before. Are you *positive* that's always the case?
oldwoman: thanks for your note. The chances of a miscarriage are high, but nothing I can count on. It didn't happen last time (thank God). I could also get a clot. I think I trust God, but He doesn't seem to intervene, even in decisions that will ruin or end a person's life, so I think people still need to look out for themselves as well. But I appreciate your loving message, and prayers. Please, I need all I can get.
I have had the same feelings as you about God. How could a loving God allow pain and trajedy? Then as I went through my own trials I realized that when we ask God for something He always answers. Its just not always what we want to hear. It may be yes, or no, or wait. I am praying for you also because truthfully, if I were in your shoes I wouldnt know what to do either. I hope you will be strong and trust that everything will be ok. You seem to love your child so much that I find it hard to believe that you could not love another. No matter what, we will stand by you. Sorry I don't have any better advice but I never had to face anything that scary. Luv, Christine
notagain,
Clicking on my name should of taken you to my profile, but EZboard can be glitchy sometimes :rolleyes
My e-mail address is lahela@passhugs.com. I look forward to talking with you.
Okay, I talked to a few people about what was going on with you (although I wasn't able to talk to the high-risk guy). From what you've said and what I've gathered, things should not be as bad as before because this time you'd start the heparin and baby ASA. Death isn't a real threat from what I understand, and with monitoring, the baby should be fine and well-nourished. Don't forget that an abortion can be done to save your life throughout pregnancy.
I know your doctors told you differently, but keep in mind that they tend to give worst case scenario especially if they were trying to scare you from getting pregnant again. They also may have been speaking as a doctor who knows you may not be able to pay for services unfortunately.You may need to find a doctor who is willing to take this on for what you can pay, and for that it would have to be some sort of pro-life obstetrician. I can try to help you find someone like this in your area if necessary.
I had preeclampsia too, although not as badly as you. I was on bedrest from 28 weeks on :pinch Not fun! I just want you to know that I can totally sympathize with what you're feeling. If something threatened to take my life away from my DD, I would have a hard time embracing it. I want you to know that - I tend to dive into the details and I didn't want you to think I wasn't "feeling" for you too. ((((Hugs))))
I also don't at all think it's selfish to be more concerned about your own death than that of the baby. Don't feel that any of your feelings are wrong. They are all valid and worthy of being recognized, okay?
I have to agree with "oldwoman" on a couple of things. It does sound very probable that you may miscarry. i know you said that your daughter survived the low HCG, but another baby may not. Just keep that in the back of your mind. If you do feel regret and are afraid of another abortion, sometimes trusting that if things aren't meant to be they won't be is an easier way than making the decision on your own. Have you had a blood test yet? I'd encourage you to go get one and get one again 2 days later to see what the HCG is doing. You can also buy an "Answer" brand test, which tests at 25 miU...anything over 5 is pregnant, so theoretically, you should test + within a week if things are happening at all normally.
I'd also agree that RU-486 shouldn't be the abortion you do have, if you have one. It is containdicated with blood disorders, and I don't think you'd have an easy time finding a doctor to give them to you. I could be wrong though.
Please do keep us posted as you try to work on insurance. If you'd like, I can also look up pregnancy centers near you that might have insurance/doctor ideas. I'd just need your city as well as several other cities within driving distance. (Email them to me if you'd like to stay private.) I cannot find anything about medical bills not ruining your credit unfortunately. I do know that no one can refuse to treat you based on your ability to pay.
Super big ((((((hugs)))))). We're here for ya hon.
Notagain,
Since you're an "unregistered user," you won't be able to use the private messaging on ezboard. You can register to get this feature if you'd like.
Have you heard of "Maternity Card"? I found it online (www.maternitycard.com) and the insurance coverage offers you a 60% discount on all pregnancy related bills.
Also, try your local health department. Their income guidelines are much higher than you would probably think. And remember, the state counts the unborn child so you are considered a family of 4 now. In Maryland the income limit is $46,000. I know that you said your income level was $60,000, but they deduct from your gross income for several different factors, so it's worth a try. Good Luck.
While I think you're being very responsible and considering everyone involved. Your medical bills being too high seems like something that is "changeable"... and bills can always be managed, somehow. They can't be put on credit report as long as your paying something... even $10 a month. The bills would eventually go away, one way or another, but you already know all too well, that the pain from an abortion will be with you FOREVER. And you already know that the outcome of a pregnancy, no matter how awful, is worth it. Also, I believe in fate and karma and all that good stuff and it seems like fate that this baby is here now. There are so many other things that could have been done sooner to avoid this baby... a tubal ligation or vasectomy, but perhaps, somewhere in your mind you hadn't ruled out another baby. And perhaps if you relax and try to think more positive, and I know that's hard right now, the pregnancy could be a lot better than the first one. Maybe approach this one with a plan. You're already empowered because you have so much information on your condition and the pregnancy. I don't know, just another point of view.
Believe me, I'm not trying to judge you either. I'm 8 weeks pregnant with a baby I didn't think I wanted at all and I only made the decision to keep it in the last few days. I'm a single mother who has 4 children already. And they're all under 10. I NEVER have enough money and don't have any baby stuff at all because I got rid of them after the last baby. (he's now 3) I believe in my heart though that this happened for a reason and everything will work out. Let the love you already feel in your heart come out. You're not mad at this baby... your mad at yourself, but you don't have to be. You didn't do anything wrong.
***Food for thought*** Did you know that Bill Clinton is adopted? What if his mother had chosen to abort? He truly was destined to be president. And whether you like him as a politician or not, he has accomplished great things. We're all put here for a reason, no matter how big or how small.
Just a quick note about the "Maternity Card." Be careful before signing up, I have heard some not so good stuff. If anyone looks into this in depth, please let me know what you find.
Looking up your state's CHIP program, making $60,000, you wouldn't qualify for assistance. You also couldn't qualify because you have another insurance program. (www.ins.state.pa.us/ins/cwp/view.asp?a=1279&q=527103). You can try visiting www.govbenefits.gov to see if there is anything you'll qualify for.
(((Hugs)))) :)
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