Hi all,
I have been lurking for a few days, and I have already done the workbook. My name is Laura, I'm 19, and will be a junior in college this fall.
A few months ago I met this guy, Joe, at work and we started dating. I knew he wasn't the kind of guy I needed to keep around for a long time, but -oops- my heart got involved. I fell completely head over heels in love with him. Now, that doesn't really have anything to do with what's going on now, but it does make me hurt just a little bit more than I already do.
We were (we thought) careful in using birth control (condoms). Except.... its true that it only takes one time. My grandfather died several weeks ago, and Joe decided that I needed to get drunk to take my mind off of it. I did, he did, and we were irresponsible. I found out Thursday, on my birthday, that I am pregnant. Its six weeks today, according to my last period. Estimated due date December 9th.
On Monday Joe quit his job, and for two days he sat around the house in dirty pajamas playing video games. Tuesday night (wee hours of the morning) he told me it was over. He was leaving me (or rather, making me leave, because I was at his place) and he doesn't want anything to do with me or his child.
Joe already has one child, a three year old son, that he sees maybe four times a year, max. Even though we all live in the same town. He pays his child support (what little is required of him) because he doesn't want to go to jail, but he is no Daddy, that's for sure.
I told him that was fine, but he would sign away his rights, because I won't have him deciding in 10 years that he is going to try and take my child away from me. He agreed, and I know he won't change his mind.
I have no support in continuing this pregnancy. My mother is pushing really hard for an abortion. I haven't told my father yet, but my mom swears he is going to disown me for bringing this shame upon our family. My friends all think I'm nuts. Even my best friend, who is the most pro-life radical I have ever met, told me that I should have an abortion.
Well, I did have an abortion over a year ago. As far as abortions go, I had a good experience. I got pregnant while being on the Depo shot, and I knew that abortion was the best choice at that time. I was also just 17, and there was no way I could have taken care of my child. I knew it was what I had to do, and I didn't have a hard time with it, and I have no regrets.
But... this time it just doesn't feel right. I didn't mean to, but from the moment I saw two lines this has been my "baby" to me, not just a teeny-tiny mass of cells.
I know I'm not completely ready to be a mother. But who ever is? I don't have a lot of money, I work two jobs and still live paycheck to paycheck. I am a full-time college student and I live alone, which makes it harder to pay all of my bills. I bought a new car last year that I can afford just fine now, but not with a baby. I am paying for college myself, no grants or finaid, no scholarships, and I know that if I have this child I can kiss my degree goodbye- at least for the next several years.
I hate the thought of bringing a child into this world that is never going to have a loving father. It terrifies me to know that in a few years my child will ask me why its father doesn't love her, and why he left her. I have no idea what I am going to say.
I know that logically I need to go have an abortion. If I choose to parent this child, I am going to do it completely alone, with no support system whatsoever. How can I bring a child into this world that everyone in its immediate family (excluding me) resents?
I am so torn, so brokenhearted. I already love this child that is growing inside me so much- I love her even though my breasts are about to fall off they hurt so bad, even though I had to give up my beloved cigarettes, even though I am so tired I can barely keep my eyes open as I type this. I am already so protective of her, already planning how I am going to protect her from all the bad things and people in this world. I have no idea where I will ever find the strength to have an abortion. Not this time. But, I honestly don't know if I am strong enough to bring a child into this world that no one loves but me. It just seems such a horrible fate.
If anyone can decipher this enough to give me some sound, unbiased advice, I would be very greatful. I am going nuts here.
- Peanut
Saturday, April 16, 2005
I Can't Believe I am Here
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22 comments:
Hi Laura! Thanks for sharing - you are going through an EXTREMELY difficult time right now, and I hope we can help you get through it.
Sounds to me like you already know what you want to do, you just need a little support. And that's what we're here for. You have already started thinking of your baby and planning for it, I don't think that sounds like someone who is seriously contemplating abortion. I know it's hard, but you have to make the decision for YOU. Not for the birth father, or your mom and dad, or your friends, but for YOU. What is your heart telling you? What is the best thing for you right now? What is the best thing for you in the long run. You have to think of all aspects, physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc. You've already been through the abortion experience - is it something you could do again? Kinda sounds like you don't think so.
If you decide to keep the baby, you don't have to worry about her (I'll use that term because you did) having a loving father. She may ask, and you'll tell her the truth, but she'll know that even if she doesn't have a father figure at the time, she has a mother who loves her very much and made huge sacrifices for her. The things that you have already done for her and the things you say already show that you love her and want her, and that is all you need to have for her. The physical things will work out, we can find places for you to get food, clothes, etc.
Anyway, I'm going on and on. Let us know how you're doing, what you decide. We'll be here whatever your choice is.
Hi sweetie! Welcome and ((hugs))! I wanted to give you a word of encouragement or two. First with regards to your parents, once the child is living, breathing, and adorable they will come around...Most grandparents do. They were not expecting this but not all suprises are bad :wink As for the dad, let him go his own way and its his loss. My husband is the most incredible man in the world and he does not know who his dad is and his mom was a prostitute...He was raised by his step-grandparents who aren't even blood relation to him. My point is that it doesnt matter who raises the child as long as there is love. Not having a daddy can sometimes be better than having a bad one. I know this because my son's birth father is a worthless excuse for a human being. He has had no worthwhile contact with him in 3 yrs. It does sound as if you have bonded with your baby and do not really want to abort. Pressure can be hard though. Remember freedom to choose includes staying pregnant also if that is what you want in your heart! It is harder to go against the flow but it is always better than compromising part of yourself. Have you considered open adoption? That is where you place the baby in a situation where you could have contact but not the responsibility of raising the child...I might also mention at this point that I have gone this route also. My story is at www.openarms.homestead.com if you would be interested. Good luck to you and we will be here for you no matter what! Luv, Christine
Hi Laura! Such wisdom for 19! Welcome to CTLW. :biggrin I'm so glad you came out of lurkdom to post, and I hope you feel welcomed here. Thanks for giving us the whole story.
It really sounds like you want to have this baby. I'm so sorry that you have no support to be able to do so, but that shouldn't stop you from doing what is right for you. Don't let that stop you from doing what is right for you. The way you talk about your baby "girl" - you are so emotionally bonded already, that I'd be afraid that if you had an abortion you would really regret it, and you'd probably hold a lot of anger toward the people that pushed you into doing it.
It is your choice - and we'll still be here for you no matter what of course. But I'd like to approach this as if your intent is to parent. Can I help you find some local support through a pregnancy center? They often have or know of teen mommy groups or single mommy groups where you can meet other moms in the same situation and be supported by each other. Sometimes when your own family isn't helpful, the kindness of strangers can be a blessing.
I do agree though that those around you aren't going to hate this child. They may just be thinking that an abortion is the "easiest" thing for you...although it clearly isn't in your situation. So while they sense you haven't made up your mind yet, they're going to be pushing pushing pushing you to what they think is best for you.
Sometimes "logic" isn't all it's cracked up to be. Sometimes with matters of the heart like this, you need to make a way for your own happiness. The support is there, and I can help you find it...emotional and financial/material. Fill out the form here: www.choicetolivewith.com/statelinks.html and I'll find you some local resources.
Try not to worry so much about the father. Charge him child support. Your child isn't going to be always concerned about where her dad is...she's going to have YOU, and your love will be all that she needs. (((((Hugs))))) :biggrin Hang in there, and let me know what you think, okay?
Big (((Hugs))) to you! I agree with the PPs. To make sure you make a decision that is yours. It's definately hard to go in a direction that is different than your family and close friends recommend. However, you are the one that the decision will be with the rest of your life. It's important to make one that you're comfortable with. I think in time they will support you. Either way, we're here and we will no matter what you decide! You'll meet other people too IRL as your pregnancy moves along that will be supportive to you and a baby too. The school thing can work out too. There can be tuition and childcare assistance available. Don't give up on your dreams. You can have them and a baby too! It just may take a different route to get there. Let us know if there is anything we can do to get info for you. Please keep us posted as to how things are going for you! ((((hugs))))
Best wishes,
Musiclover67
Ahh Peanut my thoughts and prayers are with you as you struggle with this situation. It sounds to me like you already know what you are going to do and yes it can be a scary thing but in the long run it is the most rewarding thing in the whole world. Like Chrisitine said it is better to raise a child with out a father than one who is a jerk. My daughters father is an lazy alcoholic waste of human flesh so I know all about that one. LOL. Yes your parents may not be supportive at the moment because I am sure it is a shock for them but over time they to will come around. There is something about little giggles and little hugs just because that can warm anyones heart including your parents. I have been divorced for 9 yrs now and I still remember sitting in my drive way late one night when my daughter was 3. I realized that I was going to raise her all on my own with no support from anyone. To this day I am still doing it. I give her food, shelter, an education but most of all love and support. She is 12 going on 21 right now and I do not regret my decision one bit. It can be done and yes it gets frustrating at times but I think of the positives and that is what gets me through because I am strong. Sounds to me like you are strong as well and you to will get through it.
LUV MJ
P.S. Peanut is what I used to call my daughter when she was born because she was so tiny. It brought a smile to my face.
hank you so much, everyone, for your replies. I am still very much in limbo and I have no clue what I am going to do.
I think its obvious that I know what I want to do... but I don't know what I will end up doing.
I spent the weekend at my parents' house, which probably wasn't the best thing in the world for me to do, but it was better than sitting here alone, I suppose.
I kept trying to talk to my mom, and she gives me this line, occassionally, about how she is here for me no matter what. So, I try to talk to her about the way I feel, but because it isn't exactly what she wants to here she just rages at me. Tells me what a *-up I am, and how she is so mad at me, etc...
I think she is getting a little closer to softening up... but I am not going to hold my breath.
Since my freshman year of high school, I have wanted to go to art school, the Art Institute of Atlanta, for photography. Well, my parents have always been completely against it, telling me if I went to art school that I could just forget about them. All that good stuff... anyway... my mom told me this weekend that if I wanted to start Art School this fall, instead of continuing at Auburn, she would help me pay for it. Go figure. I guess she's trying to bribe me.
I'm so in limbo. I'm trying to get a job, I have a second interview tommorrow, as a pharmacy tech at Walgreens, so that I will have insurance. I am still on my dad's insurance, but as soon as I go to one pre-natal appointment they will start the ball rolling on kicking me off. I am working two jobs right now, but neither of them have insurance, and honestly two jobs is killing me right now, I am so tired.
I have a million things running through my head right now. I do want this baby, I know I will be a good mother, but I am scared that I won't be able to provide it with everything it needs. I want to give my child the best of everything, and I know that at this point in my life, I can't do that.
My mom says this will kill my dad, and I pretty much believe it. Thats a huge responsibility.
I know that I will have to spend a HUGE amount of money fighting Joe in court, and just thinking about it wears me out.
I will probablly never finish school, because honestly, even if the money is available, the time never will be. And I want to be at home with my baby as much as possible. I don't want strangers raising her- especially during the really young impressionable years.
When I had an abortion over a year ago, it wasn't really bad. I knew it was what I needed, and wanted, to do. I was on birth control when I got pregnant, it was just one of those one in a million things, and I knew it wasn't the right time.
I guess one thing that scares me, too, is that when I went to the doctor in January for my annual pap smear, and all that good stuff, she told me that I had an excessive amount of scar tissue from my previous abortion. She didn't come right out and say it, but I am very aware that the more scaring you have, the harder it is to ever conceive, and I am so afraid that if I have another abortion, I will never again have a chance to be a mother.
If I have an abortion, I know that it won't be easy like last time, but it won't kill me, either. I am strong, and I can handle it, and I will go on with my life. I will go to art school. I will finally, for the first time in my life, start living my life for myself- not anyone else. Not my parents.
I just don't know. I want a sign, or something. I'm not religious, not traditionally, but I just want a sign from somewhere, someone, telling me what I am supposed to do. How in the world can I make this decision? How in the world can I know, one way or the other, that I am doing the right thing?
I know things seem overwhelming right now but you have to follow your gut. Not every woman regrets their abortions but in your case you have 2 strikes already against you. A) You seem to want this baby so you will probably feel regret later, B) you have scar tissue that could hinder future wanted pregnancies. Your concerns are very valid but easily resolved. Insurance is available from the state, you can take college courses online from home...Where there is a will, there is a way. Your father will not die...trust me on this one:wink He will deal with it just like every other dad has. Your mom is only trying to pressure you. She probably wants the best for you and a baby just doesnt fit that ideal. If you want your baby, who has the right to come in between that? Why will you have to fight Joe in court? Child support papers take about 1/2 and hour to fill out and you are done. The state handles the rest. He obviously won't be asking for custody...As for a sign, if you seek the creator He will answer. Trust your heart and tune out your mom, and your fears. Single parenting is no piece of cake, but how would you feel if you were told you could never be a mom? That is a big decision and I wish you the best.
Hi again hon, I'm glad that you came back to give us an update, though I'm sorry you still feel as if you're in limbo. :unsure
I'm so sorry that your mom is being so hard on you! :angry That's got to be really frustrating, becuase you know yourself and what you need/want to do, and having her tell you that that is wrong just isn't fair. You want to please her, but you want to please yourself as well. The only advice I can give you is that you have to live with yourself forever. Your mom won't have to live with your decision. You won't be able to feel the relief your mom may feel after an abortion, based on what you've said. You have to make the choice that is going to sit well with you - not your mom - forever. Definitely distance yourself from your mom and dad. Berating you and calling you names is not helpful, and you need to be supported right now. If they aren't helping, they're hurting. Don't let yourself be hurt right now hon. (((Hugs)))
As for Art School...is that anything you can do on a part time basis without your parent's help? There are often grants avialable specifically for single parents. I would consider how you might feel going to that school if you did have an abortion, knowing that it was a bribe and what you had to do to get there. How would that make you feel about the school? Some might be bothered, and some not. I'm only mentioning it in case it was an aspect you hadn't yet considered.
I'm hoping you get the job tomorrow, but if not you'll probably qualify for state health insurance for pregnant women, so you don't need to be too concerned about the health insurance right now. Where are you staying right now? Are you on your own? Tel me some of the things you'd like to provide for your child that you can't seem to find a way to get. We can offer some suggestions for you. There is a way, I can promise you that.
Don't listen to your mom's manipulation about this killing your dad. Your dad's health is not your responsibility, and it's very wrong of her to make you feel that way. I'm sure your mother is a lovely woman, but sometimes parents just have tunnel vision when it comes to the future, and that's when it's best to take control of the reigns yourself. She no doubt cares for you, but she doesn't understand how bonded you are to this baby already.
What kind of court costs will you have to pay? The paperwork for child support are usually available to print online and then mail in. There is little work that you need to do. Even to establish paternity - you don't have to pay for that.
I just got done creating a page about future fertility and abortion here: www.choicetolivewith.com/...ern3.html, and it talks about scarring there. It depends on the extent of the scarring and where it is located whether or not you could get pregnant again. You could call your doctor and ask her opinion about what another abortion would do.
You're right, another abortion won't kill you. But it's a lot of stress to put yourself through because of someone else. I'd like to see you stick up for yourself and do what's best for you...what feels right for you. As for a sign? Hmmm...maybe coming here and finally finding the support you weren't getting anywhere else was the sign? Nothing is an accident I say...and so your being here is saying something. You can know you're doing the right thing because your "gut" tells you it's what you should do. It's the choice that keeps coming back to you as the "right" choice. You don't have to be religious to pray, and I think this is the perfect time to just kick back and spend some one-on-one time with God. :wink It can't hurt, and maybe you will come to a conclusion that way.
((((Hugs)))) hon. We're here no matter what, and I hope you'll update us tomorrow when you can.
Love,
Well, you really aren't too far along in your pregnancy. I would like to suggest that perhaps you have no choice statistically speaking. I am told that 25% - 30% of all pregnancies are not viable for a multitude of reasons and they end in miscarriages. While that is certainly not something to hope for, it would be good if you were to get an ultrasound and have a doctor tell you. If you decide to have an abortion, please find a center near you that offers free ultrasounds and find out if it is a viable pregnancy before you spend a lot of money having an abortion. Take it easy and don't rush into anything. Wishing you the best, Marty
Hi, Laura - it's good to see you back. Thanks for the update. Let us know how things go after the interview. I am in total agreement with the others. You need to do what feels right to you, stay away from those who are hurting you. There are ways to provide for your baby when you think you can't. I know it's not easy to admit you need help, it's hard to ask for it and it's hard to accept it. But you do, for the sake of your baby. Like I said, I agree with what the others have said, so I won't repeat it all. Just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you, praying for you to receive the "sign" your looking for. Again we're here for you always. Let us know how things are going for you.
When I got home last night, there was a note in my screen door. From Joe. He said that he had been thinking and he was scared but he was sorry and wanted to talk to me. So, I called him, and we went to the park today after my interview and talked for about three hours.
Joe is not a bad guy, not completely. He is, however, a kid. Older than me, but still a kid. I think he is really wanting to do the right thing, but he is just scared. Which, doesn't really help me any, but we are talking again and it does give me some sense of security knowing that at least if I really need him he will be there.
He told me that no matter what I decided he wanted to stand by me. I thought that was at least a step in the right direction. He was actually being sincere, at least from what I can tell through my fog of pregnancy hormones and emotions, he was.
He told me that he will put me on his insurance where he is working now. Alabama is a common law marriage state, so he won't have any problems getting me on there. I am greatful for that.
My interview went really well- I am pretty sure I have the job, but I won't know anything for another week or so. I make good first impressions, though, and I could tell he thought I was saying the right things. ;)
My mom is still crazy as a loon. She squalls constantly, and she told me tonight, "Laura, I just can't be any help to you right now. I just can't be supportive of you. I am sorry, but I just don't have it in me."
Well. Crazy thing to hear from your mom, huh? Its crazy- when I need support the most I always find myself comforting her. I am not allowed to hurt, to be scared, to be weak... she has dibs on that, and I have to be her rock.
I called my dad tonight, and we talked for a long time. I didn't tell him but I am setting him up for it best I can. Trying to prepare him. I know its always best to break stuff to him when our lines of communication are open and we are getting along and feeling relaxed with each other. I am going to drive down Thursday morning, after my last final, and spend a couple days with him alone and break the news to him. I just hope he can handle it.
As for my living situation. I live "alone" or I did... my dad bought me a trailer (trailers are more common than apartments in this particular college town... south Alabama, what can I say? lol) when I started college. Its really nice- its huge, its relatively new, in a really safe and gated trailer park. My parents started having problems a few months after I moved down here, and one day my mom showed up at my door, telling me she was staying. Ugh. Its been almost two years, and she's still here. But, I joke and say that my dad and I have joint custody, because she goes home every weekend. I wish she would just go home for good, but that's a whole 'nother rant...
A pp asked me what in particular I am afraid I cannot provide for my child. Well, its not really the material things. I don't know one single small child or baby that gives a flip whether they are wearing Polo or wal-mart clothes, and usually they are more intestested in the box than toys. What I am afraid of is not being able to create the right kind of home environment. I have always pictured my life like Leave it to Beaver. I want the husband, I want to be a stay-at-home mom, I want the house with a white picket fence... I want to give my child the security of knowing she has two parents who love her and will always take care of her. I want to be the one that raises her- not strangers. That's the part I am having the hardest time with. Knowing that in order to pay the bills, I am going to have to have strangers raise my child from day one, almost.
My mom stayed at home with me until I was 15, and that gave me the most amazing sense of security. She was always room-mother, she came on all the field trips, she helped with class parties, she had cookies and milk for me and my friends after school... I want to give my child that. And it hurts and it scares me to know that I can't.
There are so many bad things and bad people in this world. How in the world am I going to be able to protect my baby from that if I'm not around?
I am pretty sure right now that I am going to keep my baby. I just scared. OH. And to whoever mentioned miscarriage. I don't think I am really high-risk for that at this point. I haven't been to my first pre-natal with an actual obgyn yet, because of the insurance situation, but I did go to a free womens clinic last Friday, and my hcg levels are high, and everything looked good, according to them. And I apparently calculated my due date correctly, December 9th.
I am going to make an actual pre-natal appointment soon, I just wanted to wait a bit. But I did need to know that everything was okay.
Thanks so much for all the support and for being such a great sounding board, y'all. I don't know what I would do without this place. I will check back in really soon. Thank you all again!
Laura
Wow! How great that Joe came around and is willing to support you! I know it's not all you dreamed of, but you're right - it is a start! Sometimes all it takes is that one person who is willing to stand behind you and say "I'm here for you" - that can make ALL the difference!
It sounds like you have a good plan in place to tell your father, and I hope and pray that that goes well. We'll all be there with you - even though we can't be. :wink
Your mom...well...I'm still sorry she's not being helpful. :ummm But it does sound like you're feeling a bit stronger about standing up for yourself. I'm glad for that. :biggrin Does she work? Would she make a good sitter for you instead of daycare?
I can totally understand your dreams of having the "perfect" family, and I know how difficult letting some of those dreams go can be. No one says you'll have to give up all of your dreams either. I'm quite sure you'll still marry, and maybe you'll find the elusive house with the white picket fence. The stay-at-home mom part is trickier...that's for certain. You'll need help so that you can pay the bills. Maybe with Joe's help and the help of your mom though, you won't have to leave your baby with strangers? It isn't perfect, but I've learned that nothing ever is. You can plan and plan and plan and things just never go the way you want them or expect them to. :plain Sometimes that's good, and sometimes it's not. This baby may just be the best thing that ever happened to you. :biggrin
The biggest thing that a child needs (besides diapers because that would just be icky :sick ) is love. You already have that in abundance! Your love is going to be more than enough. You're going to protect your child just like all of us mommies do...we make decisions based on our child's best interests - nothing more. You can do it...women since the beginning of time have been. It's a pretty cool thing. I know it doesn't feel that way right now. :crazy But it will...trust me. :rolleyes
Alabama huh? Would you like some help finding local resources where you live? You can fill out the form at www.choicetolivewith.com/statelinks.html and I can find you the pregnancy centers that will be able to help. Do you need info on state help? We'd be happy to do research on child support, WIC, food stamps, etc. Just say the word dearie. :biggrin (((Hugs))) We're here for you!
Love,
Rose
Wow! I'm so happy for you! It sounds like things are really moving in the right direction! Joe being supportive of you will make a huge difference. Sounds like the interview went well, that's good. Good luck talking to your dad. Like the PP said, we'll all be thinking about you. Things were never good for me and my dad, but once my daughter was born, that all changed. She was the light of his life and through her our relationship grew, too. Funny how that happens:smile .
You don't have to give up your dream of the ideal home. It could still happen someday! You'll just have to work at it for awhile. I'm SO glad things are looking better for you!:biggrin Keep us updated!
Thank you so much everyone. Rose, you really know how to make someone feel good! :D
I am definately feeling more confident in my decision to keep and raise this child.
Joe has been great the past few days, and even though I know its not always going to be a bed of roses, just the fact that he is trying is making this a lot easier. Its not nearly as scary now that I have someone to talk to about my concerns, that has the same concerns that I do.
He asked me this morning, "Laura, what can I do for you today to make your day full of joy?" And I just thought that was so sweet! Its like, he still doesn't really have a clue, but he is trying, and he is being a lot more open with me. Even if things don't work out between me and him, shoot, even if after this baby is born he takes off... if he can just support me (emotionally) during this pregnancy I will be forever greatful.
My mom and I haven't been talking about it lately, but I think she is getting more used to the idea. She asked me today if I had taken my pre-natal vitamin. And she was looking at me as I was getting dressed and she said that she hoped I am able to get back into my pre-pregnancy jeans as easily as she did. Just little stuff. She will come around.
I hope my dad doesn't completely jump off the deep end... but we shall soon see. I keep putting off and putting off telling him. And I may wait a couple more weeks yet. I was going to drive down there today, but I didn't really have the money to waste on two tanks of $3 a gallon gas, so I decided to wait. I am thinking about waiting until after my first actual pre-natal appointment in a week and a half before I tell him. Just in case... lol... nah... I'm actually just a chicken. But, I'll get up the nerve one day. :ummm
I do have one question, and if anyone can give me the answer to this, I would be so greatful.
I am covered under my dad's insurance right now. But, because I am pregnant they are going to kick me off as soon as they find out. They can do this because I just has my 19th birthday and I will no longer be a full time student after today (took my last final today). I am not going to sign up for classes at all next semester because my due date is for Dec. 9th and I know that will interfer with finals, etc. And, I need to concentrate on working and saving money.
Anyway. If I find a job, and get insurance coverage, are they required to cover my pregnancy? My mom says no, but I am thinking yes, because I won't have had a break in coverage. Anyone know?
Thanks in advance. I have tried to find the answer with no luck. :)
Laura
I am so glad that things are falling into place for you! Must be a relief. As for insurance at a new job, unfortunately most places require that you work full-time for at least 6 mos. before giving you full medical. I would go through the state if I were you. You dont have to pay much, if anything, and everything is covered. Who will kick you off your dad's insurance, the company or your dad?
Hi hon. :biggrin Good to see you back!
You sound so much happier and cheerier! It's clear that you're doing what feels right for you, and I'm so happy for you! Joe sounds like a wonderful man. He must've had a complete change of heart - right when you needed it! It must've been all of our prayers, huh?
It does sound like your mom is coming around. That's good. They usually don't stay mad for long. :wink She's not going to be able to stay away from her grandchild. I'm sure!
Take your time telling your dad. You have awhile still. There's nothing wrong with waiting a month or so. Do what's best and easiest for you at this time.
You can ask your employer when benefit coverage starts. Usually they make you wait 3 months (at least that's what it is here in Michigan). I have heard of some companies starting immediately though, so it's worth it to ask. Your insurance will cover your pregnancy - it just depends on when it starts. In the mean time, apply for the prenatal program in Alabama. You can see more about it here: www.medicaid.state.al.us/...atcare.pdf (Adobe Acrobat required). Pregnant women are usually always able to be covered because they want to keep the children healthy. :wink
((((Hugs)))) Let me know if you have any more questions, okay? Remember that some pregnancy centers offer prenatal care for free as well. I can find them for you if you like (if there are any in your area).
Love,
Rose
I just read all of the posts and was shocked at how much of your story sounds like me. I'm also a student and Due on Dec 9th. Although I'm much older than you, I was also pregnant for the second time at 19 so I know about the pressures from family.
I wanted to comment on the insurance and school concerns that you have. First of all, I would suggest that you apply for Medicaid. Even if you are covered under another insurance, Medicaid will cover any co-pays that the insurance doesn't cover. This will cover any unexpected medical expenses and help you to save more money.
As far as money for school. I've been working part-time and going to school full time for the past few years. I already have 2 children, so I researched to find the maximum amount of grants and scholarships that were available to me. The federal and state government paid for all of my tuition and fees, I also found grants and scholarships from my school and local agencies that are specifically for students with children. After applying for everything that I possibly could I found that I had about $10,000 in extra money every school year to pay for living expenses. This is money that I will never have to pay back, so I didn't have to worry about the added expense of paying back school loans after I graduated. Do some research, talk to financial aid, call the local community resource or department of intergovernmental grants to see if they have anything available. My research paid off and allowed me to work part-time and go to school full-time and still have plenty of time to spend with my children.
As far as not going to school next semester. I would like to encourage to you go. Since we are due on the same day, I just recently went through this. Talk to your instructors for the fall semester, let them know that you are pregnant and when you are due. You would be surprised at how much they are willing to work with you. My instructors have agreed to give me a temporary incomplete if I am unable to finish the semester. This will allow me to make up the remaining part of the semester without having to take the class over again. I've never had to take classes and take care of a newborn at the same time (my two children are 11 and 13), but I can imagine that it would be much easier to endure one more semester while you are pregnant and still have the extra time, then to try to "catch up" after you have the baby. At least this is the decision that I've made. I plan to complete as much as possible before the baby arrives and then work out my schedule to incorporate a newborn. I'm due to graduate in May 2006 and I'm working on my Master's Degree, so I have a thesis and presentation to work on that I hope to have completed before the baby arrives.
Anyway, I hope this helps to ease some of your stress about these issues. Good luck and congratulations
Hi,
I just read your story. I am a single mother of a 2 year old. I am 23 years old. I am struggling to take care of her but I do have family support. i believe that if you decided to keep your child, your parents would come around. A baby changes everyone. I have had an abortion last year as well as this weekend. This last abortion went good. It was painless. I don't think that adoption is a good idea because you become so attached to your baby after carrying it for 9 months and then giving birth to it. it is a big bonding experience. I think that you should do what you think is right. If you can not afford a child you will defiantly struggle. Just don't do anything that you may regret. you can't bring this child back. I want to start school again but it is so difficult. I tried living on my own but the money was a big issue and now a year later I am moving back in with my parents. This sucks. I pay $400 a month on child care and I get child care assistance. My pockets are drained. But I am grateful and wouldn't give my daughter up for anything. she is my life. without her i don't know where I would be. Children teach you a lot.
To the two previous repliers - welcome! It's good to have you here! Thanks for sharing your stories - we all have one here and it's good to be in a place where pretty much everyone has been there and understands where you're at. To lprchn - How great that you're able to continue school and take care of your kids. You will be a BUSY lady! You must be a very strong person. Thanks for sharing your school experience with Laura, I hope that helps her. To reesespieces - I, too, was a single mom until my daughter was 2. It is tough! I give you a lot of credit! It's probably hard to move back in with your parents, but it's great that they're willing to support you in that way. Sometimes what's best for our kids isn't always how we'd like it, right! You gotta do what you gotta do, though. I encourage you girls to stick around, we'd love for you to hang out and keep us posted as to how things are going for you.
Chris
Hi - its 32kim1 and I personally think I am your sister because I think we have THE SAME EXACT MOTHER. I am almost 33 and can't confide with my mom in anything.
I will tell you some of the other people were very right. My mother is the most EVIL person I have ever known and said she would have no part nor except my 8 month old as her grandchild.
Laura, let me tell you, everytime she sees him she oohs and aahs and says how's my lil guy and all that gooey grandma stuff. They do come around and I'll tell you and I bet everyone else will too..........A baby will make your heart melt ..........even the most hardened of hearts.
I don't know all of your financial situation, but look into your local SRS office and see if you qualify for medicaid. I did. It takes a little probing with them but they pay for just about everything when you are close to being broke. Also don't forget the WIC program......call your local health department. They provide you with checks for food and milk, juice, etc. so you can take care of yourself when your pregnant. And they will provide the baby with formula, cereal, juice, and food up until the age of 5 I believe. (if you choose not to breastfeed).
You are not alone. I see some great people here and BLESS US ALL for this website. I hope to receive some responses. Sometimes I find strangers can be the best thing and best friends one could ever have. I had a lady in an organic/herb market the other day giving me a hug just because she said I looked like I needed one. Good luck
Welcome 32Kim1, always nice to see new faces here on the board! Glad to hear that you were able to find so many good resources and pass them on as well. WIC is a definite lifesaver. When I was a 17 yr old single mom we had corn flakes for breakfast, pbj's for lunch, and ommlettes w/cheese for dinner! LOL We would have starved to death without it that is for sure. Stick around as long as you would like!
The other posters are right -- The moms who push hardest for abortion turn into the most doting grandparents. I was thoroughly disgusted with my daughter and her boyfriend when she got pregnant, but you'd search the earth and not find a Granny more delighted with her grandbaby. (I didn't push for an abortion; I pushed for an adoption plan.) And although they're struggling, my sweet little granddaughter is a joy to the entire family, and she's surrounded by love no matter how tough the finances are.
You clearly want this baby. Find the people in your life who can be cheerleaders for you and who can help you overcome hurdles as they come up in your life. Keep your eyes open for single moms and ask them how they manage. Brainstorm. The resourcefulness you develop as you tackle this situation will stay with you all your life.
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