I am was happy to find this website. I can't tell you how confused I have been for the last couple of weeks. I am 34 years old, single, college graduate with a good job and I now find myself in a Jerry Springer situation.
I have been on the pill for the last 15 years and after ending a long-term relationship found myself alone and confused. I began a sexual relationship with a close friend about 4 years ago. He already had 3 kids from 3 different women and didn't want anymore children. We became close and have continued a sexual relationship for awhile. We have also maintained our friendship. We agreed it would be an open relationship, neither one asking what the other was doing. He always wanted something better for me...he didn't feel he could make me happy or give me what I wanted. And I was content but not happy.
What I have always wanted was a family of my own...ideally a husband.
I lost hope in finding someone, until one day I met another man. We saw each other at the gym every weekend and we worked out together and there was chemistry. I didn't think to ask if he had a wife or girlfriend. One day, the chemistry was unbearable and we began seeing each other. It was then I found out he had a girlfriend, 2 kids with one on the way. I continued to see him anyways...I couldn't let go at that point and I figured, she would not find out. It has never been my intent to hurt her or his children.
But this year, I became frustrated with the whole situation. My friend still came around, conveniently and I continued to see this other man. I have been feeling uneasy about seeing both of them. Then two weeks ago, I found out I was pregnant. The pill failed me. I have always been pro-choice, not thinking that I would one day be faced with this difficult decision. I am ashamed, confused, scared and feel so alone and guilty. There was a time when I didn't think I could have children and now here I am...at a loss of what decision is the right one.
I am torn between not wanting to hurt anyone else not any of their kids, disappointing my family and having to face going through paternity testing and then telling people at work that I miraculously conceived. Then what will I tell my child? Will my child be disappointed in my decisions? Will they be negatively affected because the father may not be around? so many questions...do I have the baby or let the baby go ? I know I will feel a great grief in letting the baby go and not hopeful if the baby is born.
Please help 
-Teri34
Saturday, May 7, 2005
Terrified
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17 comments:
This is a tough situation to be in. But everything is a learning experience. I know you are afraid of disappointing your family. Every woman who has been faced with this kind of decision is always worried about that. All I can say is think about what's best for you and possibly even your child. I would stop seeing both of the guys. You're digging yourself way too deep into this. You know you made a mistake. It's okay. Everything is a learning experience in one way or another. ((Hugs))
Let us know how things go. Keep us updated. This site helped me out soooo much and I know they can do the same for you.
Hi Teri (((((Hugs))))) I'm so glad that you found us! Very Happy I hope we'll be able to help.
First off, please don't be concerned about how your situation "looks" to others. Everyone has had a Jerry Springer-type situation at one time or another. No one here is going to judge you for anything you've done, so I just want to make you feel as comfortable as possible. It's also okay to be pro-choice and yet unable to embrace that choice for yourself with this pregnancy. No one says that you need to automatically be okay with abortion. This is a personal choice that varies by woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy.
Do you have a guess as to which one the father is? Do you know when you ovulated? You mention that you wanted a family of your own. Maybe this is your chance since you're in your mid-thirties. You said you have a good job, you're a college grad. It sounds like it would be pretty easy financially to have this baby, and it also sounds like you are emotionally bonded - is that true?
Quote:
I am torn between not wanting to hurt anyone else not any of their kids, disappointing my family and having to face going through paternity testing and then telling people at work that I miraculously conceived. Then what will I tell my child? Will my child be disappointed in my decisions? Will they be negatively affected because the father may not be around? so many questions...do I have the baby or let the baby go ? I know I will feel a great grief in letting the baby go and not hopeful if the baby is born.
All of your concerns are very justifiable - but they're all regarding how other people will deal with your situation. I know you'd never want to hurt anyone else, but self-sacrifice in this situation isn't a good idea. This decision will last forever. Your family may be disappointed, but you know what? They're going to love your baby...you just can't help it. Paternity testing is no walk in the park, but it's short-lived. And your co-workers? Well...it's really none of their business is it? Please don't hinge your decision on them.
There are various things you can tell your child, but the first step is to see how involved the father will be. I've noticed that most children don't care...they have mommy and mommy loves them. That's what really counts. One day you might get a "where is my daddy" question, but you just say that mommy loves you enough for a mommy and a daddy. Handle things as they come up, and don't worry about things that are years and years away. I'll bet your child would never regret that you gave birth - even without a father. And I'd imagine you could offer a lot of love - enough that they won't resent not having a dad around. And who's to say that in a year or two you won't meet the right man that will adopt your child?
Keep talking hon, and I'm sure you'll get more replies as the weekend comes to an end. :wink: (((((Hugs)))))
Thank you both for your kindness and understanding. Notorious Voice you are right regardless of what happens, I can't see either one and I wish I had followed my gut 2 months ago so I wouldn't have dug this big hole I now find myself in. I know that we are here on this earth to learn and gain awareness and that God loves us regardless. Just trying to find the choice that I can live with.
My friend whom I had an open relationship knows now, but although he told me the decision was up to me, he is leaning towards abortion. Rose, I wish I knew who the father was but I don't. I can vaguely recall my last period as I just started a new job March 1st and this is when I started seeing my friend more often along with the other guy. I thought the reason my period didn't come was because of stress due to new job! Boy was I wrong.
On Friday, the doctor called me back to confirm my pregnancy and since she knew I was undecided, she asked what I wanted to do. At the drop of a pin I said I would terminate. I got the authorization to make the appointment at the clinic but at that point it was closed. The appt hasn't been made, but I have been crying all weekend, too scared to make the appt. I don't think I can walk in there and come out and start my life again.
I haven't told the other man, although I saw him today. I just told him I wasn't feeling well. He got concerned at the thought of me being pregnant, basically changed the subject.
I know I am emotionally invested in all this...I have wanted children of my own my entire life and thought God just forgot about me. But this isn't the way I pictured it. That is why I religiously took the pill for 15 years.
Thanks for the hugs...I needed those Crying or Very sad
Hi Teri - welcome! Thanks for sharing with us. You have an important decision to make. And you need to make the decision that is right for you. Ultimately, you are the one who has to live with it, maybe the father, maybe not. If no one else sticks around, you're the one who has to live with the decision that was made. So don't let them force you to do anything. Maybe you just need to talk it out here. Let us hear your thoughts and we'll share ours with you.
It sounds like you want to have the baby because you've wanted children for so long, but you feel like you shouldn't. It can work out if that's what you want. And Rose is right - maybe down the road you'll meet someone who loves you and your child and will adopt him/her. It happened to me! Those good guys ARE still out there! Maybe not easy to find, but they're there.
Anyway, welcome, hopefully we can help make it easier to sort out your feelings. Hopefully you know that here you are supported 100% all the time, no matter what. Keep us posted!
Chris
teri34 wrote:
The appt hasn't been made, but I have been crying all weekend, too scared to make the appt. I don't think I can walk in there and come out and start my life again.
I would encourage you to wait to make the appointment until you are sure you want it - if you want it. When an appointment is made before the decision, two things commonly happen:
1) You go ahead and do it without thinking too much because the appointment is made. This can set you up for a hard time later because then you'll do the thinking.
2) You face even more pressure because you have a time constraint.
Quote:
I know I am emotionally invested in all this...I have wanted children of my own my entire life and thought God just forgot about me. But this isn't the way I pictured it. That is why I religiously took the pill for 15 years.
Hmmm...you know...this might be your chance hon. You wanted children all your life, have been taking the pill and got pregnant anyway, and your fertility is going to start to decline soon. Things are never the way you "picture" them I've come to believe. It doesn't mean that an alternate plan has to be a bad one - you could give birth to this child and be the happiest mommy alive! I've seen it happen.
(((Hugs))) Keep talking girlfriend. :wink:
Hi Teri,
We are all here for you and want what is best for you. You said you had been crying all weekend to scared to make the appt. Try this, Think about not making an appt., having the baby and raising it with all the love you have to give and see if the crying stops. If the crying stops....... let that be a guide to you.
Like Rose said don't make an appt before a decision has been made.
Keep talking to us and letting us know how things are going.
Ruth
I know this is tough. Like they said...we all have Jerry Springer moments. I've had my share and I'm only 17! However, my cousin went through something slightly similar. She had a boyfriend and was sexually active (19 years old), however she said she "got drunk" and slept with a guy who was married and very very creepy. And she didn't know who the father was. Come to find out after she had the baby, the creepy dude was the dad and wants nothing to do with her. However, her boyfriend is there for her and is sticking with her and the baby. He treats the baby like she's his own. And things are better now.
You see....things may look bad, but everything always works out in the end. When I was going through a terrible, suicidal time a couple years ago, my friend told me, "It'll all work out in the end." And it did. And I'm still here. Things have to get bad before they can get better. If everything was all hunky dorey then how can things get better? whatever decision you make, we'll all be here to support you. it's amazing how wonderful a message board can be!
It does sound like you do want this child. And though people may judge, who cares? If you decide to keep it, you'll be a wonderful new mommy to a wonderful new baby. And the father...well, that time will come to deal with that.
If you do want to terminate the pregnancy, I suggest finding a support group, or even just posting on the abortion support board on here. It's a tough thing to do even if you're pro-choice. I went through a pregnancy scare, and I've always been taught that abortion was bad. I never thought I'd have to make a decision like that. But I was thinking about abortion, because it is a right of choice. thankfully, I didn't have to make that decision.
We're all here for you. And no matter what you decide...It will all work out in the end.
Hey there sweetie! I just wanna say that life is one long learning process. Forget about the Jerry Springer episode...That man could base an entire season on my life! Anyway, that being said, I strongly encourage you to follow your gut on this one. Even though the circumstances seem less than ideal, a baby could be the greatest blessing in your life at this time. You mentioned God several times in your post so I will assume for the moment that you believe in Him. He has a plan for you (See Jermemiah 29:11) and it is up to you to trust in Him and His faithfulness. At the risk of seeming repetitive, forget what others think. It is not their life, nor will they have to face the emotional fallout that sometimes follows an abortion. If you are leaning toward giving birth, you still have options. For example, I encourage you to consider open adoption. This allows you to be involved but not directly responsible for the child's welfare. Parenting obviously is easier emotionally but can be more difficult financially, practically etc. I personally am 24 yrs old and have made every choice available...I am parenting, have aborted and placed one child for open adoption. If you are interested in chatting please feel free to contact me! I wish you the best! Don't make the appointment unless you are 110% sure that is what YOU want. You have the right to abort, no one will argue that. However, you also have the right to stay pregnant if that is what you really truly want. As for the future effects on the child I wouldn't cross that bridge til you get to it. Sometimes no daddy is better than a wretched abusive one or one who is emotionally detached. You will do a great job!
We haven't heard from you in a few days...how are things? Please post and get us an update!
Hi teri, Im not sure if you have made your descision. I just posted my story, very similar to yours, on the post ab support. Mine ended in abortion. Im here for you if you need to talk, hope things are well.
katt.
Hey hon, just wanted to let you know that we are all here for you, no matter what. I don't know if you have made a decision yet but I just wanted to encourage you. Look out for you and your baby, not what everyone else wants. I aborted once and all I can say is that it is forever. No amount of regret, or tears can ever take it back. Sometimes abortion seems like the most available option, or the most responsible...But very few people will tell you that it is a heartwrenching experience (in many cases). Don't give up faith in yourself or God ok? He loves you and will see you through this no matter what the outcome.
Hi Teri,
I just posted, too & find us in similar situations (30s, unsure of father). I received some very good advice last time I was in this situation that I am going to use & might help you:
I was deciding between placing and terminating. The Planned Parenthood counselor suggested I wake up the next day with the mindset that I had chosen one of those choices & spend the entire day as though that was my decision. The following day I should wake & spend the day as though I had made the other decision. Again, every thought surrounded around the fact that my decision was made & this was how I would conduct myself, my thoughts, my actions. I was then to evaluate how I felt after each day & choose the day that "felt" better, or "right" for me.
I hope this makes sense. Please contact me with any questions.
I'm with you,
Dawn
Thank you all for the support you demonstrated during my time of crisis. It has been a while since I have posted as I needed some time to think prior to making a decision and then once I made it to let it all sink in.
I guess you are all wondering how this drama turned out? I am now in my 17th week of pregnancy and have decided to keep my baby after making my appointment at the clinic.
It was such an emotional experience for me as it was never an issue of not wanting the baby, but wanting the best for my baby under the circumstances. Needless to say, I made the decision to terminate my pregnancy and went to my appointment as planned on May 20th. All through the night I though about my decision, was it the right one...I felt so sure when I made the appointment and then felt extremely confused the night before. I prayed and prayed for a sign. I felt I couldn't make the decision on my own. I was SO confused even when my best friend picked me up to take me to the clinic. I was scared, nervous, nauseous, emotional, you name it I felt it Crying or Very sad . Still I went up to the clinic and signed in. When the counselor called me back and I wrote down on the paper that "Abortion was my choice" I broke down Crying or Very sad . I knew I couldn't do it. I completed the paperwork nonetheless and she encouraged me to get the ultrasound (I was supposed to be 12 weeks along at this point)...I found out I was 15 weeks!
What a relieve I felt...I knew that I would not proceed with a termination at that stage and knowing I was actually 15 weeks along, it hit me that there could only be one possibility as to who the father might be Confused . The father is the guy who already had a girlfriend and 3 kids.
My friend said I was a completely different person when I called her back to pick me up and I felt it. The father has been staying away from me, he says "hi" when he sees me but I don't know if he will talk to me about the baby or want to do anything with me and the baby. I still don't want to hurt his kids in any way and I know we'll be just fine if he choses to exit.
My family and friends know now and soon my co-workers will know as well. I hope you can all forgive me for leaving you in the dark for such a long time, but I was a total wreck. I know that this child was meant for me and I will love it with all my heart. I thank you all for sharing your own personal stories and for providing me encouragement and sharing your unconditional love during my darkest hour.
I hope that in a couple of weeks I can find out if I will have a boy or girl and I would be happy to share the news with all you fine ladies soon.
Love,
Teri
There is no shame in chickening out of an abortion, or for choosing to give your baby all the love you have in your heart. I applaud you for seeking help, advice, and researching all your options! We love getting updates and it's ok if you had to take time to think. We understand, some of us have been in your shoes :wink: I wish you all the best with your upcoming bundle of joy and please stick around. Perhaps you can now post on the pregnancy board or the parenting one...I am so proud of you for reaching inside and summoning all your strength to do this! Your baby will not suffer from lack of love that's for sure! Let us know if there is anything at all we can do to help you out!
Hi Teri,
Good to see you back on the board! Completely understandable about needing that time to wrap your head around all that has been going on. I'm soooo happy your family is being wonderful! And I'll be praying that your meeting with your boss will go just as well.
Please do keep us updated! Especially when you know what you're having, okay? How exciting. Smile
Hi Teri -
Well, its good to hear from you. Much like you, I have been wrestling around with my decision as well. I've received so much support from everyone here, and I'm glad you came back to check in. I am supposed to go to PP on monday, and I have not been able to even download or look at the informed consent document. I went to my regular OB/GYN and had an ultrasound, and my heart took the decision over. I have heard from Rose,Chris,Christine,Dawn & others - they are all giving me so much support. Please hang around - I'm sure you could use the extra. I have been OVERWHEMLED with the decision to keep/not keep this child. My fiance can be such a jerk, and that is what I figured out from the kind advice these fine ladies gave me that was directing me towards abortion. Even though he's a jerk, babies are just pure joy and no matter what, my kids will always know how much I love them, even if their fathers choose not to be around. I have figured out I have just as much love for one as I do for my other kids, and I wouldn't have ever thought I could do this if I hadn't have found a home and family right here in CTLW. I commend anyone on whatever choice they make, and I am so with Dawn when she said she was just glad "to have a choice". She has checked in on me, along with some of the other women, and without their support, I know I would've made the WRONG decision for me, living in regret forever, with terminating this pregnancy. I encourage you to stick around, and whatever help or resources you need, you have a whole family here who'll research, guide, love, understand, etc. for whatever you need. Good luck and God Bless.......kim
I read through all of your prior posts, and I am so happy for you! You've found peace of mind, and of course, you have made the best choice for yourself. An unplanned pregnancy definitely makes the world get a little topsy-turvy, but the dust eventually settles. You sound so excited about having your baby, and it absolutely warms my heart. Please, do stick around, we all want to know how you are doing!
Warmest regards,
Sara
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