Hi ladies!
Wow! Is this site great! Teri34 - I understand where you are. I am 37. Great, great advice everyone! Just when you feel alone.
I also have a good job & am college educated, but I will not parent this child, I know that for sure. This is a result of an affair, although I'm not sure of the father. I am not married, my boyfriend knows about the situation & is taking responsibility as though it were his. He also admitted to succombing to a similar situation a couple of months ago (both of us have been unfaithful once), so neither of us are saints. We've been dating four years & have taken a pragmatic approach to this situation. He wants to have children one day, but I'm not sure if I do & don't want to until I'm certain. I've explained this to him often, so that he knows where I stand. He wants to terminate & simply "move on". He is a very kind man & treats me better than anyone. Enough about him...
This is my second unplanned pregnancy. The first one drove me to place & although I've always felt really good about that choice (great 6 year old girl, WONDERFUL family, VERY open adoption), it was the absolute hardest thing I've ever had to do & there have been a few doozies in my lifetime. I knew last time I would not parent & juggled between adoption & termination. I couldn't get myself to terminate. I'm MUCH closer this time.
I'm still not sure if I want to have children one day. I am comfortable with adopting, especially foster kids, if the time comes & I "shouldn't" conceive.
I am a spiritual person, recovering Catholic, not sure about Christianity, although it's the religion with which I am most familiar.
I have always been pro-choice, stating my choice is life when I'm faced with it. Of course always stating this knowing I would not be in these shoes again. Now that I think about it, I have reflected that if I found myself here again, I would terminate. Interesting, I just had a revelation. I seem to have one a day.
I am focusing on the logical choice - abortion. However, I am a sensitive person whose choice to place last time really knocked me on my bum. I am REALLY unsure if I can go through that again. The outcome was great, the pregnancy was great, but the emotional turmoil was overwhelming.
Because of my sensitivity, I fear my emotional response to an abortion. I am definitely leaning that way, but I fear I might be merely thinking and avoiding getting in touch with my feelings as a defensive maneuver. I have gotten in touch with my anger around this situation, which can fuel me to make the appointment. I feel if I carry this baby, it will be representative of my weak moment that adds me to the list of Jerry Springer candidates. I will be bitter & sad, again.
I didn't think I would write so much, but would love to hear your wisdom.
Kindest regards,
Dawn
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Leaning & yet so uncertain
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19 comments:
Hi Dawn,
Welcome and thanks for sharing! Isn't it great that there are actually people here who know what you're going through? It's so nice to find a comfortable place when you need support, but can't necessarily get it from people in your life.
I just want to say that if you think you might have a hard time emotionally with an abortion, you should really take your time in deciding to go that route. Don't do it because you think it's your only option. I'd hate to see you have such an extremely hard time again, like you did with the adoption. Is such an emotional experience something you can handle going through again?
You said you're fueled by anger. I guess I don't usually feel great about things I've done out of anger. I would caution against any decisions made spur of the moment because you're angry. You also said you think an abortion is the most logical way to handle this, but you are also concerned with the possible emotional side effects. I guess if you are concerned about it, take your time deciding if that's what you want. Your head can tell you it was the right thing, but the emotions could be harder to deal with after.
Just take your time. Make the decision that's best for you, and we'll be here to support you while you are "still deciding" and after the decision has been made, too. Smile
Hi Dawn,
Welcome to CTLW! I'm so glad you found us here and are willing to share your story and get some support!
Let's see...it's really great that you're exploring your feelings so much, and I encourage you to continue to do that here. In reading your message, I'm wondering if you would be considering abortion if your boyfriend had not mentioned it in the first place? You mentioned that prior to this you had always felt a certain way and that your beliefs closely relate to Christianity, etc. Often when women change their mind while in the middle of a "crisis" situation, they will come to regret it because they will wonder "Now why the heck did I change my mind? I'd always felt this way." Like you said - it's a defensive maneuver.
Also, since you faced a similar situation before, you have kind of been through these thoughts and emotions once before. I would agree with you that because of your sensitivity the last time around, your emotional response to an abortion might be difficult to get through.
You seem like you are very intelligent and very in touch with your emotions and thoughts. I'd agree with the PP when she said that using anger to spur you on to make and follow through with an abortion appointment probably isn't in your best interests...the anger will eventually dissipate and then what would be left over? I'd encourage you to take your time and work through the anger now so that you can make a rational decision that your heart is able to be in on as well.
Please don't worry about the "Jerry Springer" factor. LOL - you ladies are funny! I know that carrying the baby would give you a tangible reminder of your affair (if this is the result of that affair), but that should not have much of a bearing on your decision. Remember that this pregnancy lasts a very short time in relation to the rest of your life.
I'm curious why parenting is automatically out? You mentioned that you might like to parent later, and given your age, this would be a chance for you to do this while you're still able to. I don't mean to be nosey, so feel free to ignore me if you'd like to. Wink
As for being bitter and sad again, well...we can help with that a little bit. We're here to support you and be a friend to you as you go through this. I hope that you won't be bitter and sad though, and I don't think you will be if you make the best choice for yourself.
You gave Teri a very good exercise in another response...have you tried that out on yourself this time? Another exercise I've heard of is to take a coin...tails it's adoption, heads it's abortion. Throw the coin in the air and then call it in midair. Whatever you call...that's supposed to be your "gut." Obviously you have to do this without thinking much about it. Razz Not sure if it works or not.
I look forward to hearing more from you and being a support to you as you decide. ((((Hugs)))) to you!
Hi there! Sorry I didn't get back to ya sooner but my computer has been freaking out lately. Speaking as both a birthmom and a post-abortive mom, I can tell you that the type of closure that abortion brings is more bitter than sweet. I was brought up Christian and had very definite beliefs about abortion...until I got pregnant (again). Funny how we are so quick to compromise our morals when we are trapped in a seemingly hopeless situation..That is when we should cling to our faith even more. *steps off soapbox* If you had the strength to place for adoption once, list out the pros and cons for abortion/adoption. Adoption is stressful emotionally and can leave you with a feeling of something missing. However, since your adoption is open, you can always contact him/her. You have a reassurance that all is well. My only comfort from the abortion is that my baby is in heaven. (I believe). I guess my point for all of this is to weigh your options very carefully and choose what you feel is best. Abortion is a complex procedure that takes place on many levels. Physical, emotional and I believe even spiritual. Speaking from my own personal experience, I would have to say that 10 adoptions couldnt be as painful as 1 abortion. There were just too many what ifs? and regrets for me after the abortion. I never felt any remorse about the adoption. I gave my son life and a family and knowing that replaces any doubt I might have about placing. Now please remember I don't claim to speak for all women, but only as one who has experienced both.
Dawn,
How are you doing? Have you come any closer to deciding? Could you please update us when you have a chance. Is there anything we can help you with?
Love,
Lahela
Hi ladies,
An appointment is made for this Friday and I'm still debating between placing and terminating.
Thank you all for your support!
Parenting is not an option as I will not parent a child of a man I barely know, much less do this in separate living situations. I feel VERY strongly about this & is representative of my feelings during my first round with this decision.
Anger has become disappointment. I made the appointment out of fear of waiting too long, deducing that terminating would be harder if I were further along. I also know that I have up until that day to change my mind.
I did go through the exercise of spending one day as though I would terminate & felt empowered, yet not any pleasant feelings. Then, because I had spent the day with that determination, I spent another day (2 days later since the first day tainted the next) considering adoption as my choice, also not feeling pleasant, but probably a tad more at peace with this decision. I am afraid of the wrath of God should I choose to terminate.
Here's the situation if I place - last time my immediate family were devastated. They orally expressed support, but when it comes down to it, they pretend that the situation never happened. My family used to be unconditionally supportive of everything, but extreme situations just shut them down. My friends were distant, even after expressing their support, but I can live without them during this time, I did before. I might have a couple of new friends that will genuinely support me if I place. Then there's the boyfriend's conservative family to whom one of us will have to say it "might" be his. Ugh. Then, I'll have to explain to coworkers about placing where I'll possibly have to paint an ugly picture of my boyfriend since I will not disclose the entire situation & it will be tough. I can probably do it, but it will really, really suck.
I would assume however, that aborting will not leave me with a happy go lucky feeling, either.
And you're right, 9 months isn't that long. It will be lifetime either way, though. I just feel badly for cheating on my boyfriend & now putting him in this situation & exposing this shame to those close to me. Many of my friends know the entire story & are extremely supportive.
I am detached emotionally from this child, as I was last time. It was after birth that whollopped me. I didn't expect to be so enamoured. Then follow up visits were just tough, but the difficulty has lessened over time. It did take a while.
I'm debating the possibility of there being a soul to this pack of cells within me. I don't feel I'll be obsessed with "what if" since I plan to place. I'm going to do a thorough pros & cons list today...
Do I sound confused? I feel like I do! Thanks for being here!
Dawn
Hey sweetie, I just wanted to give you a (((hug))) and let you know I was thinking about ya. It is a difficult question as to when a body becomes more than that, a living soul. It is the cause of lots of debate, passion, even anger. I cannot answer that question for you but I do know that the God I believe in, is not one of wrath. He loves us more than a human can possibly fathom. I am sorry to hear that you feel detached from the baby. It's ironic isnt it that a defense mechanism from pain, causes pain in itself...You mentioned feeling more peace about adoption. If you want to talk more about adoption you can IM me anytime (sykorose) or send me a PM. You also mentioned your family being disappointed in you. I realize that pressure (even the silent kind) can feel like tons of bricks crushing you and the desires of your heart. If you deep down would feel more peace in giving this child a chance at life, even with another family, then pursue that. Your family doesnt feel the emotional fallout that often follows an abortion that really wasn't wanted. Abortion is forever and your whole heart must be in it otherwise there is too much room for regret. Adoption is no walk in the park and it can be quite painful to watch your baby grow from a distance. However, a unique sense of pride comes from it too. I feel a glowing pride whenever I acknowledge my sons, All my sons, not just the ones who live with me. We are here for you rather or not you decide to go ahead with the scheduled termination. I only encourage you to really soul search in the coming few days. Once it's done there is no going back. We are here for you sweetie!
Hi Dawn,
Thanks for keeping us posted....I had been thinking about you. What about a closed adoption? Do you think that would be easier since you have no contact after? Or is that harder do you think? I have no experience in that area...but it was just a thought. If it's seeing the child afterwards that makes things so hard, would it be different if you just didn't? I don't know if that's even an option. I'll be thinking about you during the next few days. Keep posting if you need to talk. Let us know how things are going.
Chris
Dawn wrote:
An appointment is made for this Friday and I'm still debating between placing and terminating.
What is this appointment for? Counseling? An abortion? I'd tell you to be careful about going ahead with anything before you're sure. That can backfire on you.
Quote:
Anger has become disappointment. I made the appointment out of fear of waiting too long, deducing that terminating would be harder if I were further along. I also know that I have up until that day to change my mind.
Hmmmm...how far along are you? Most doctors do abortions through 20-24 weeks without a problem. It's also a little worrisome that you know terminating would be harder later on. That sometimes means that you already know that you don't really want to do it, but you'd rather do it now than when it's impossible for you. Is this right?
Quote:
I did go through the exercise of spending one day as though I would terminate & felt empowered, yet not any pleasant feelings. Then, because I had spent the day with that determination, I spent another day (2 days later since the first day tainted the next) considering adoption as my choice, also not feeling pleasant, but probably a tad more at peace with this decision. I am afraid of the wrath of God should I choose to terminate.
What were you empowered about...that you could set things "back to normal?" That does seem to be an encouraging thought a lot of women have. In many ways your life would resume unchanged, but are there any areas that would be changed in a bad way that you can foresee?
Fearing the "wrath of God" is a scary place to be too. Do you have strong beliefs about what is right and wrong regarding abortion? If you do, going against your beliefs can also cause some pain and regret sometimes. I'm with Christine though...God, as I know him, doesn't hate anyone. He loves us all because we're his children - even when we make mistakes. That doesn't, though, give us license to take that love for granted (imho). Tell me more about what you believe though...opinions are so varied about this. I want to make sure you feel it's okay to talk about that here.
Quote:
Here's the situation if I place - last time my immediate family were devastated. They orally expressed support, but when it comes down to it, they pretend that the situation never happened. My family used to be unconditionally supportive of everything, but extreme situations just shut them down. My friends were distant, even after expressing their support, but I can live without them during this time, I did before. I might have a couple of new friends that will genuinely support me if I place. Then there's the boyfriend's conservative family to whom one of us will have to say it "might" be his. Ugh. Then, I'll have to explain to coworkers about placing where I'll possibly have to paint an ugly picture of my boyfriend since I will not disclose the entire situation & it will be tough. I can probably do it, but it will really, really suck.
It sounds like an adoption support group might help. Something, somewhere, that would support you if you decide to place. We're here for you of course! But sometimes you need a real (((hug))).
Do you have to tell the family that it might not be his? I don't think you'd have to. I also don't think it's any of your coworkers business...just tell them you are a surrogate mother or something. Razz
Quote:
I would assume however, that aborting will not leave me with a happy go lucky feeling, either.
Yes, it's easier to cover up on the outside, but it can be damaging on the inside if it's not something you're okay with.
Quote:
I am detached emotionally from this child, as I was last time. It was after birth that whollopped me. I didn't expect to be so enamoured. Then follow up visits were just tough, but the difficulty has lessened over time. It did take a while.
Those maternal emotions are hard to deal with. Keep in mind that you can parent, even if that decision is made at the end when the baby is born. I know you feel strongly, but sometimes it's okay to bend to protect your heart. Wink
Quote:
I'm debating the possibility of there being a soul to this pack of cells within me. I don't feel I'll be obsessed with "what if" since I plan to place. I'm going to do a thorough pros & cons list today...
How did the list of pros and cons come out? I don't think anyone can tell you what to think about the soul issue...it's different for many. Research it, and see what feels right for you. You're right though...there aren't the same level of regrets when adoption is chosen it seems.
((((Hugs))))
Hello again ladies!
I had an epiphany last night, something just "clicked" inside of me. I visited my very best friend with whom I had dinner, then headed home to journal. Another friend suggested that I am spending too much time looking elsewhere for an answer (going online, sharing with others) & need to spend some time looking within. I realized that I do need to make this decision for myself, and sometimes it's not the most popular. That's ok, 'cuz I have to live with it.
As I was journaling, I returned to the same direction I'd been leaning all this time - termination. It may not be the greatest decision, but I feel it is the best of the three options.
I even looked into donating the pregnancy to stem cell research - but we're not quite there yet. Wouldn't that be a "win-win" for those uncomfortable with the selfishness of terminating? IMHO it would be.
I'm writing immediately today to share my fresh feelings and thoughts in hopes that this might help someone in a similar situation - no matter what they choose out of reflection from this process. My good friend said to me last night, "Aren't you glad you have a choice?", and I was moved. Yes, I am.
Last night, something clicked. I think a combination of feeling comfortable with having considered both options very thoroughly, exploring consequences for both & taking a good deal of time do that combined with some adrenaline shot I got last night. I don't know what happened, but I completely feel like someone shot me with adrenaline. It might have been the burger & fries I had for dinner... Since I was journaling about having decided to terminate, it just put me over the edge & I associate this feeling with that decision. It may also very well be the pregnancy, since my last pregnancy I remember feeling this way a lot. This started me thinking again this a.m., but really, I feel my decision has been made.
This decision hurts the least amount of people, since I would have to tell everyone, "Yes, I am here again", "Yes, I don't know who the father is", "Yes I will place", "No, my boyfriend's not a jerk", etc. My family won't disown me. My boyfriend's family won't be disappointed. Perhaps my boyfriend & I can move on, together or not. I'm not sure what the future holds, but the pros & cons gave this decision an extra 10% & that's the direction I'm going.
I am leaving work now, heading in for the "pill" tomorrow morning, second part of the process to occur on Saturday. I am nervous, yet empowered. I will definitely keep you updated.
Thanks so much for all the support. I hope I can provide the same for others,
Dawn
just posted my long message without having read your comments, Rose, since it took me all of my work day to draft. I still feel "good" about my decision. But I want you to know I appreciate so much how thorough you and your colleagues, peers and friends are. I am grateful to have found you. Actually, it was my boyfriend that showed me this site, I'll have to ask him how he found it.
Love and appreciation,
Dawn
Hey sweetie! Well if you are 110% sure that terminating is what you are at peace with then I wish you all the best. I am happy that you at least took the time to carefully weigh the consequenses of each choice. Many women make a knee-jerk reaction as I did, and live to regret it. You will be in my prayers and please update us as soon as you are able.
Hi Dawn,
I'm glad to hear you have come to a place where you feel at peace. Thanks for giving us the opportunity to share our thoughts with you. I'll be thinking about you in the next few days. Let us know how everything goes.
Chris
Day 1
Still optimistic & confident today. Went to Planned Parenthood where they treated me REALLY well. All is covered by insurance - even though I'm going the medical route. Took tests, watched movies & digested the pill. I'm feeling ok - a teeny bit nauseous during my spicy lunch. Finished the day at work. Lots of folks checking up on me. Even the pro-life leaning friends were supportive of my attitude, agreeing it must be the right decision for me. I feel good.
I realize I might not always feel good. Fatigue & hunger can set in & throw everything off whack. Not to mention hormone changes & tomorrow - the big day.
Today just seems like I went in for a bunch of tests & otherwise, it's as usual. I even looked at the ultrasound. Kinda neat.
I know tomorrow will be tough, but I'm renting 5 movies tonight & my boyfriend will sit with me. I've got instructions on ibuprofen & a heating pad as well as a good excuse to lay on my duff.
Thanks again, ladies. I might not be able to write back until next Tuesday, but I really appreciate all of your thoughts.
We're all in this together (not THIS per se, but life),
Dawn
Dawn -
I am nearly in the same position as you are and I am so anxious to know how it goes for you. I am struggling and thinking of termination, with the pill, and I'd like to hear about your experience with it. It helps when others have gone before us, and can give us the knowledge, even though every situation is different.
I wish the best for you as well. Your very lucky your boyfriend found this site for you. Everyone here is SO INCREDIBLY GREAT. I know you all look, listen, think, research, pray, help and so on for all of us.
Thanks for all of you from my heart.
Dawn, take care, please post, as soon as you can. My counseling appt is coming up on this tuesday. Best of luck. 32kim1
Dawn -
Thinking of you and hope you are doing okay. We're all waiting to hear from you - until then your in our prayers and thoughts. Kim
Dawn wrote:
I just posted my long message without having read your comments, Rose
Darn...all that hard work for nothin...lol. :wink:
I hope you're doing well, all things considered. I know you said you might not be back to post until Tuesday, but we're all thinking of you and praying for you hon. ((((Hugs))))
PS...I had to edit your last post hon, and since you're a guest I just realized I can't email you the reason. Please email me at choicetolivewith@comcast.net if you have questions, but if you go to "Board Rules" then "Basic Rules of Play," you'll see why, okay?
Daaaawwwnnn...how are you doing hon? We need an update. Smile ((((Gentle hugs)))) I hope everything is okay and you're just taking time to get better.
Kim - I will send you an email
I actually had a wonderful weekend, relatively. Saturday, I administered the second part of the pills. Cramps set in a few hours later & were quite painful for about 10-12 hours. It is as though I have a very heavy period. This was a great method for me to use. I still feel very content with my choice & very lucky that the process went smoothly. Each day following Saturday has been pain free - a little cramping. Bleeding still continues. It very much helps that I was only 5 weeks along last weekend. I understand even a couple more weeks can be a huge difference.
Note that I have a follow up appointment with Planned Parenthood (who I HIGHLY recommend - they were wonderful) next week to make sure everything went smoothly. I haven't noticed anything pass that might be of substance (although I might not due to early stages).
Yesterday was the first day I felt guilt, only briefly. I was fatigued & sensitive, but I really quickly rationalized this choice as being the best. With all of the convaluted issues with this pregnancy, I feel confident with the choice I made. I still can't believe how clear it became to me this time last week. Everything just clicked. I wish the same for others who have to make a similar decision. I feel lucky to have even had a choice.
Thank you ladies for all of your support and advice. I will transfer over to the post-abortive section now & look for others to help when I can.
Now it's also time to improve my choice making, stand tall and do things to better myself and my life.
Sorry for the delay - after a long weekend, my work day got the best of me. Take care everyone and THANK YOU!
In kindness,
Dawn
I'm glad to hear that things went easily for you hon. Smile It's so nice that your boyfriend was there to help. Having someone there to help you can really make all the difference.
You probably won't see anything pass at this point, and usually most folllowups arae in 2 weeks, so they might need to see you back again.
(((Hugs))) It's normal to feel little twinges of guilt now and then, and so soon after the abortion, the most common feeling that is experienced is relief. It's nice to not be pregnant, not have to worry about aborting, and not have to wonder about the decision anymore.
See you on the PA side. Smile
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