I am 32, married, and 10 weeks pregnant with another man's child and don't know what to do. My husband, who I was planning on leaving for the other man, wants me to have an abortion and stay with him and have his children. I thought I didn't love him any more, but now realise I do. He loves me and would provide a secure future.
My marriage started to degrade over a year ago, and I soon fell in love with another man. He wants to settle down with me and for us to have children. The future with him is less secure, as his partner is also pregnant. He feels she tried to trap him by coming of the pill without telling him, and wants to leave her.
I can't decide what to do and am just going round in circles. I feel I don't want to lose my husband, but I also don't want an abortion. I can't keep him and the baby because he wont raise another man's child. I'm also not sure our relationship wont just degrade in the future. Maybe I'll blame him for making me have an abortion and hate him forever? With the other man, I've never had a 'regular' relationship with him- so is it right to bring a child into something untried and untested?
Adoption is out of the question. I've always wanted children- but now I'm pregnant, I don't know what to do- I can't separate what I want from what everyone else wants me to do. I don't want to cause anymore pain and damage to the people I love. Perhaps this should all just stop here? I just don't know which way to turn- and time is running out.
-Elizabeth
Monday, June 27, 2005
Any advice welcome
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Hi Elizabeth and welcome -
I'm 32kim1 and if you look on the board you'll see that our situations are close.
Please read the advice the ladies here gave me. They are so wonderful.
I don't have much time right now but please think about what you want to do. Your husband, your boyfriend etc. - no one else but you has to live everyday with an abortion should you have one - and you sound like you don't want to. I advise you not to do anything you feel is wrong for you. I am also 10 weeks pregnant and I know what your going through.
Have you been to the doctor yet? Had a sonogram/ultrasound? I made the choice to keep the baby even though things are way complicated for me - if you read. I will post more later.
Hi Elizabeth,
You sound like you want to have the baby. Is it possible just to decide that for now and work out the details with the guys later? You will have time while you're pregnant to work through those things, too. Kim is right, that you are the one who will have to live with the affects of an abortion, and if you do not want to do that you could feel some anger towards the person who pressured you into that. And that's a situation that we just don't like to have happen. Are you 100% certain that the baby is not your husband's? That would be something to consider, too.....what if it turns out to be his? Then would he be upset? Maybe after you have an ultrasound you'd find that it could be your husband's if the timing is different than you thought or something. I'd just take your time in making the best decision. Don't rush into something if you're unsure of it. And keep us posted. We're here to help you through this.
Chris
I feel for you sweetie! You are between the proverbial rock and hard place. Your husband wants to keep you around, but not this new baby who is part of you? It seems that if he can forgive the extramarital affair, he should be able to love this child also. If you abort because he wants you too, you will have allowed him to control you, manipulate you. If the bf is unstable, I would avoid that scenario. Will your husband agree to marital counseling? I agree with the PP in that if you are attached to this baby and you know that the right thing for you is to give birth, then follow through with it. The men in your life will either split or stand by you. Abortion should be the woman's choice, not something she is pressured into. If you do it simply to protect your stability in marriage, statistics prove that this rarely works out. There are plenty of resources out there for single moms so don't make a quick decision based on fear. Explore every option (even adoption) just so you will not sell yourself short. Informed decisions are the best ones. Best of luck sweetie!
Whew! Sounds like your mind is spinning! ((((Hugs))))) Sometimes it's helpful to fill out the workbook pages here: http://www.choicetolivewith.com/decisionmakingworkbookintro.html - it helps to restore some order to your thoughts.
Your situation is a difficult one, but not an uncommon one. I think if you read through some of the messages here, you'll read a few that are similar.
Is the "other" guy even a possibility? It sounds like you want to be with your DH, since you said "I don't want to lose my husband." Are you leaving the option of being with him in the picture? Or not really? (Just wondering what exactly the options are as you see them.) Wink
Like Chris said - are you sure that the baby is not DH's? That would certainly make it easier, wouldn't it?
If you do not want an abortion, you should not have one for your husband. I tell everyone that, but I know your situation is a little bit harder, because you have to wonder about what your DH will do. Will he divorce you if you decide to carry? Does he know that you do not want an abortion? I think either way this is going to stress a marriage that is not rock solid and secure, know what I mean? If you have the abortion for him, you quite possibly are setting yourself up for a lot of resentment toward him. A lot of women aren't able to stay in a marriage where the husband pressured an abortion. If you decide to have the child and parent him or her, your marriage may be stressed if DH holds resentment toward you and/or the baby. Hmmmm....
I know that you ruled adoption is already out, but the women that I've known in this situation that have decided to parent have gone on to choose adoption because it was the choice that both the woman and the man could "live" with. I certainly don't want to pressure you to do anything, but I'd encourage you to keep all your options open. Remember that you can choose just to remain pregnant first and then have months to decide (with or without DH) between adoption and parenting.
((((Hugs))))) You have such a big heart - you don't want to cause anymore pain to those you love, but what about not causing you any pain? Don't sacrifice yourself for anyone else hon. If you do not want an abortion and DH loves you unconditionally, he will be able to accept that decision and then work with you between the 2 remaining options.
:::Sigh::: I don't feel I've been much help...lol. It seems like I went around in circles just the way you were. :wink: Well, hopefully you got something out of it anyway. If nothing else, know that we're here for you no matter what you choose, and don't pressure yourself with time constraints. There are no time limits to decide. Most doctors do abortions well into the 2nd trimester. Take a deep breath. You have enough pressure on you right now...don't add more.
I hope you'll keep talking with us as you think, think, think. ((((Hugs)))) again.
Hi again Elizabeth -
I hope we hear from you soon! Please know that I am fairly new here but these women have become my family. They are very supportive no matter what the choice and will research and help in any way they can.
I am with Rose on this - are you positively certain your pregnant with your boyfriend and not your husband? Use the pregnancy calculator on the main page - that might be of some help to know when you may have conceived.
Elizabeth -
I also went back and re-read your story. The thing that helped me also was the women told me to seperate the issues.
First things first - start with the decision about the baby. Research, and Rose can help. Skyrose is also really helpful - and her story is heartwreching but truly worth reading when considering abortion, and also what about adoption? Is this possible?
Next - Take care of yourself. Go to the doctor no matter what you decide. Take prenatal vitamins to keep you healthy (and baby should you decide to keep). You need the extra strength right now. What about seeing a counselor? Do you have a place you can go - a regular counselor, church, something like that? Come here often. Believe me >>>>I've done my fair share of whining and venting - we all understand.
Then next - and I can speak from experience. You don't sound like you want to leave your husband - not to pry but do you not want to leave because your comfortable (familiar) with him
Many thanks to you for the advice you have sent me- it's very reassuring to know I'm not the only one having to make these huge decisions.
In answer to some of your queries- my husband is definately not the father, I was away alone with the other man for 6 weeks for work- and this is when I conceived.
My husband is one hundred percent sure he can not raise another man's child.
I haven't ruled out the other man as a partner for sure. He really wants this baby (and another) and wants to be with me. It would be difficult though, what with his understandably angry pregnant girlfriend always over our shoulder- she says she will make our lives a misery, and get every penny out of him that she can. Also, even though he didn't want her to get pregnant (she came off the pill without telling him) at the end of the day the child she is carrying will still be his baby and he will want to see it. I do love him, but I just don't know what our future together would be like (he's 47), and it's hard to visualise it whilst I still love my husband (only 30).
And, if I stayed with my husband and had children with him- I wouldn't have to share him.
On the other hand- staying with my husband means I have to have an abortion...I feel angry enough with him that he keeps counting down how little time I have left to make a decision on this. It's hard to contemplate having an abortion when you love the father, and you definately want children! Maybe I could get pregnant again quickly with my husband? Maybe it would hurt less?
A replacement baby will never be able to fill the void left in your heart after an abortion sweetie. Every child has a unique existence and soul (I believe). In fact one of the key steps to post-abortive healing is acknowledging that baby's personality and releasing him or her to God, the afterlife, or whatever with a name and a specific place in your heart. You are still a mom after abortion. All that being said, if you already forsee emotional difficulty then I would advise you to think long and hard before leaping into an abortion situation. If your husband is so willing to put you into a painful ordeal like abortion, do you really want to be with him? It isnt' exactly like getting a rotted tooth pulled. Perhaps if he knew what abortion entailed, the potential risks (emotional, physical etc.) he wouldn't be so quick to push you toward it. Life with the partner might be difficult due to the gf but you would have support and a baby whom you seem to love very much already. Let me pose to you this ? if I may. Your husband demands abortion in order for him to continue loving you. That is not love that is coercion. Love is a choice. You can choose to love or not love someone. Just as you are free to choose to carry this baby or not. Can YOU (not your husband) live with the knowledge that you aborted simply to keep this misguided sense of love? If you wanted to abort and were heart and soul commited to it, I would support you regardless. However, when I see women being badgered and pushed and manipulated into an abortion, I get angry. That is NOT the freedom of choice that we fought for in this country. You have the right to obtain a reasonably safe, legal abortion in this country that is a fact. I want to also remind you sweetie that you have a right to STAY pregnant if that is what you truly desire. The men in your life seem to have their own issues and they can work those out with or without your help. Do what is right for you and no one else. How do you think DH will look at you after the abortion? It won't make the affair go away, nor the memory of this pregnancy. How will his attitude toward you be? Respectful, merciful, loving, or sarcastic, unfeeling, a "move on already" attitude. This is very important to consider. Could you be happy living with the latter scenario? I am sorry this is so long but I am post-abortive myself and I want to make sure that you don't act out of fear like I did and live to regret it later. Much love, Christine
Hi -
We're glad to hear back from you.
You didn't mention if you had been to see a doctor or had an ultrasound.
Have you?
I think your husband really is just in shock and I don't see that he would abandon you or hate the child if you had the baby. I DO NOT believe you should let him push you into an abortion. I know it was lenghthy but did you read any of the questions I asked you about in knowing yourself, how you would feel after an abortion?
My fiance's ex wife was unable to get pregnant again after they had their son who is now 13. When I started seeing him, he was moved out and seperated and living with his brother. I didn't consider this cheating but in ways it was. His soon to be ex certainly considered it cheating and she SWORE revenge - the kind you spoke of in your post. Believe me - she proved it - she devastated him financially and somewhat emotionally, and is keeping him from seeing his 13 yr old much. When they say "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" - IT'S TRUE. She harrasses us to this day and we've been together almost 3 years. And she does it in such a way - we really can do nothing about it. She is very spiteful and cunning. I don't know the woman your dealing with - but consider this okay?
I am like Christine. I don't think you can just go have this abortion and get pregnant again (and hopefully you could - abortion like anything has its risks) and then just forget about the whole thing and get pregnant again with your husband and never think in the past .......OR could you?
AGAIN - you are the only one who knows how you will feel later on.
Also what about counseling w/your husband?
And have you taken any time to look up what your baby is looking like at this time.....you may or may not want to.
I know how bad and I SO sympathize with you when someone is mentioning almost all the time about the clock ticking. I know how it is to feel like you just want to go pull the covers over your head and sleep like never before and think about it all tomorrow.
Also - what did you think about what I said about if your BF is with you, he has had sex with his wife at the same time he says he loves you and wants to be with you. Does this make any sense at all? Can you really trust him?
I strongly think you should try counseling with your husband. Please read my other post if you didn't already. I feel like you are headed where I have already been (AND I AM SO UNHAPPY)! - about the men situation I mean.
How long have you been married to your husband? How long have you been with your BF?
Hi Elizabeth--Sounds like you are in a tough spot. My heart really goes out to you but I think there is some good advice posted above.
I know it's tough to make a decision with all the pressure and conflicting parties.
Any knowledge or advice I could give you would come from the women I know who have been through abortion. Most of them have said that the "decision" was like an escalator ride they couldn't escape from. I guess looking back they could more easily see how trapped and powerless they were at the time. They all wish they could have found a way to step off that elevator. Stick to your guns. Keep your baby. You won't regret it.
Take care,
Mary
Hiya hon Smile Glad you came back to give us an update! I look forward to hearing from you more and more.
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My husband is one hundred percent sure he can not raise another man's child.
I, like Christine, get a little nervous when I hear stuff like this. Confused Remember that this isn't up to your husband hon...this is up to you, and if you don't feel abortion is right for you, you do not need to have one because your DH is uncomfortable. I also have noticed, in dealing with women who are having lots of pressure, if you stand up and say "Nope...I'm not going to abort. I just can't." That's when you find out what your DH is made of. Usually, they are upset and try to manipulate you and guilt-trip you for awhile. After about a week of you standing ground, they either leave or more-than-likely start to make plans for the baby. It isn't something they are able to control anymore, so they just adjust.
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I haven't ruled out the other man as a partner for sure. He really wants this baby (and another) and wants to be with me.
If you're still considering the other guy, then things can't be all that great within your marriage at this point. I don't feel I can tell you what to do here, but I wanted to know how committed you were to staying with your DH. Doesn't sound like you're all that sure yet of who you want to be with. Do you think you're leaving the option of the other man open because that would mean you'd get to keep the baby?
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And, if I stayed with my husband and had children with him- I wouldn't have to share him.
Share him with who? Sorry...must be missing something. Wink
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On the other hand- staying with my husband means I have to have an abortion...I feel angry enough with him that he keeps counting down how little time I have left to make a decision on this.
I wish I could get you to stop saying that. :wink: You can stay with him and remain pregnant. If he chooses to leave you over that, what kind of a man is he? If he leaves you, that might just make it apparent that you should pursue the other man, or it might mean you live as a single mother, or it might mean that he comes back after some "alone" time. You won't know unless you try though.
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It's hard to contemplate having an abortion when you love the father, and you definately want children! Maybe I could get pregnant again quickly with my husband? Maybe it would hurt less?
I think you'll find that that plan would backfire. Not only would you be upset at DH, but you'd also be emotional over the baby you concieved with DH. Both lives would be equal to you, and you'd wonder (most likely) why the one you conceived with DH is more important than the other was. Does that make sense?
((((Hugs)))) I wish this was easier on you, and I'm sorry I can't give an easier answer hon. It's pretty obvious you don't want an abortion, and I have to be on your side through this...not DH's or the other guy's...just yours. Keep talking it out hon. Smile
Hi Elizabeth -
I am in total agreement with Rose. You DO NOT have to have an abortion because your husband says so. I would use her advice and tell him your not having one and if he loves you he will be with you....and if he doesn't he'll leave (and possibly come back). If he doesn't then you have the option to be with your BF, or a single mom like she said.
She is SO right - you'll see what he's made of.
Please give us a little more background if you can.....and tell us about the doctor - if you've been to one etc.
Rose I think Elizabeth means she wouldn't have to "share him" with the other women (the girlfriend who's also pregnant by him) That's my worry too -how will you handle that? Will he be playing back and forth between you two? If you two end up together, I don't see her sending her baby with him over to your house for visits when she has already threatened to make your life miserable. That may mean he would have to go to her house and visit....Do you trust him doing that?
I think you should read through the posts again, and try to answer a few questions in order to help you more.
Many, many thanks for your understanding and advice. It makes me quite emotional to read, which is a good thing- as of late I have been in danger of just shutting down emotionally.
Some kind contributors have asked me to think about a few points they raised.
My husband did suggest marital counselling straight after I told him about my situation, and we have been going for several weeks now. I think if we or I already had children, this would be easier for him to take, and he probably would raise the baby. As it's the first he doesn't feel he could support me through the pregnancy and labor, and is worried that the father would want access (he probably would).
The fact is, we always planned to start trying for a baby later on this year, so he feels understandably cheated. I do feel for him, and where he's coming from. He desperately wants us to have children together- but not this child. He's basically a good man, the kindest I have ever met. He acknowledges his contribution to my affair (lack of emotions, and fear of confrontation) and apologises for them.
Regardless of the outcome of this- he will carry on seeing a counsellor. He is determined to change, and is fighting tooth and nail to keep me- and I do respect him for that. This is a messy situation and he has proved himself to be strong and reliable.
He has also done extensive web research on physical and emotional aspects of abortion (he recommended this website to me), as well as marriage counselling. He has also phoned people who have had abortions to try and understand a women's point of view. That's what makes my decision all the more difficult- he's trying to be understanding.
Regarding the other man- yes he was still having sex with his gf. At that point in time we were both undecided as to whether or not we wanted to be together permanently, and so both were trying to explore our relationships with our current partners. We were having the affair.
As to whether I can trust him in the future- I can trust him as much as I can trust anyone. Although he had an affair with me, and his last relationship (8 years) was the product of an affair- I really don't believe he takes sleeping with women lightly. He is also incredibly traumatised by this situation, and am sure he'd be reluctant to risk this happening again.
I am also aware, that the 'spark' is still there with him, and not with my husband- this obviously worries me because I know the relationship is so young. I know this spark will inevitably go out through the process of time and increasing domesticity. I have made a pro/con list of both men and it boils down to:
husband- kind, caring, secure, sincere, loyal, financially stable- but I would probably have to have an abortion (we have been together a total of 5 and a half years- married for 2)
Other man- funny, caring, exciting, affectionate, passionate- but I would have to suffer presence of his gf with her baby (and ex-wife with 2 sons, but they are late teens so I'm happy to accept this), also less stable and predictable future (he works away a lot) (we have been together 1 and a half years).
I do understand the points made about trying to get pregnant with my husband straight away, and that one baby can't replace another. All I know is I'm ready to have a baby at this time in my life and it feels right to be pregnant. However, the life I visualised for myself and children (I would like more than one) was in a stable and secure family unit- which my husband can give me, but not the other man- and there lies the problem.
I have been to a doctor who checked my bp and said it was ok. And I;ve been to a clinic for an ultrasound- I wasn't far enough along for them to pick anything up (thought I was 6 weeks, they said I must have been 5)- so I am going again tomorrow (10 weeks). At first I was curious about what it looked like in the womb, and where along it was so I looked it up on the internet. But now I don't like to think about it- it's too upsetting. I am trying not to bond with it, in case I have to let go of it. I suspect this might be wrong, but I don't seem to be able to just accept I'm pregnant and visualise the baby. I feel that I will just get too upset if I think of it as a baby, and then end up having an abortion.
So there it is. Husband and other babies, or lover and this baby. Difficult choice.
Hello, Elizabeth,
I am so sorry to hear how difficult of a time you are experiencing. Keep your chin up, hard though it may be; you will get through this.
I agree with a lot of the ladies in their previous posts, they have such wonderful advice. It seems to me, though that you are still being pressured into something that you just don't want to do.
You speak of your husband as fighting "tooth and nail" to keep you. If this is truly the case, then he should respect YOUR decision, which seems to be to keep the child. You have said that it feels right at this time in your life to have a baby, and the other ladies are right, it seems you want this child. I firmly agree with Rose, you will see what your husband is truly made of in this situation. I feel that once you put your foot down, he will adjust.
You also mention your husband doing the homework, as it were, for you in order to help sway your decision. I am actually about three and a half weeks post-abortion right now. It was not an easy decision for me when I had to make the call, either. I had a few days where I really questioned if it was the right decision for me, and in the end, (clearly) I decided it was what was best for ME. I stand behind my decision very, very strongly, and no one can tell me what I did was wrong, it wasn't their decision, it was mine. Whatever you decide, you need to be able to stand behind such a decision just as strongly. Granted, I am quite far and away from where you are mentally- you say that you are ready for children, I was (am) not. This is something you really need to dwell on....you say you are ready, you say the time is right. You need to ask yourself, are you really prepared for the emotional repercussions of termination? of parenting? What is it that YOU want for yourself, because YOU are the one that matters at this point, not the men. YOU.
As far as the other man wanting to see his child, legally he does have that right unless he decides to terminate his parental rights. From your previous post, I get the impression that you do not believe that he would give up such a right. It seems to me, however, that he comes with a lot of luggage. You've mentioned that his last relationship was the result of an affair, your relationship is the result of an affair, this man really does seem to have a track record, and it concerns me. I would hate to see him leave you high and dry, I really do worry. I have been in a similar situation with my ex, he cheated and left me for the other woman. Then he cheated on her with yet another woman, and the cycle continues to this day, and I don't want you to go through that, whether he changes his mind tomorrow or even eight years down the line.
In relation to your statement about trying to get pregnant again with your husband and how one baby cannot replace another, again, I worry for you. Recovery from an abortion is not necessarily easy. Mine may have been easier than some, but it wasn't pleasant. My doctor instructed me that I shouldn't have intercourse for at least a month, and he didn't want me to engage in any rigorous physical activity for at least two weeks after my operation. I still have some physical discomfort....it's a lot to deal with. It's not something that I would recommend to just anybody, let alone everybody; it requires a lot of mental preparation for the potential physical aftermath.
If I recommend anything, again, it would be that you need to be 100% sure of what YOU want. I reassure you, that no matter your decision, we will all be here to sympatize and help you through the process. You need to empower yourself, only you will know what is the right choice. No one can make that type of decision for you.
Please, keep us updated as to how you are doing, we are all here for you.
Warmest regards,
Sara
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I think if we or I already had children, this would be easier for him to take, and he probably would raise the baby. As it's the first he doesn't feel he could support me through the pregnancy and labor, and is worried that the father would want access (he probably would).
Well, he really doesn't need to do a whole lot through the pregnancy. You can find lots of outside support for that stuff. You're already 1/4 of the way done after all. If he honestly feels he could do this if it was your second child...I dunno...I don't think that's a good reason to do something you don't want to do. Like he's saying, "Well, if you'd have just had my baby first...I wouldn't be pressuring you to abort." Confused Don't know if that logic works all that much...lol.
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The fact is, we always planned to start trying for a baby later on this year, so he feels understandably cheated. I do feel for him, and where he's coming from.
No doubt that this isn't the ideal situation...I don't think anyone could fault him for feeling cheated. But I don't think you should jeapordize your own well-being because he feels cheated. Was the affair still going on even when you were planning to start trying for a baby with DH? I guess I'm still having a hard time figuring out who you want to be with...and I realize that's because you don't know either...lol. Wink
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He is determined to change, and is fighting tooth and nail to keep me- and I do respect him for that. This is a messy situation and he has proved himself to be strong and reliable.
Does he know that the whole decision of who you'll be with hinges on this baby? Is he aware that if you decide to keep the baby you believe you have to pick the other man? If he's fighting tooth and nail to keep you, he's not doing a great job of it by telling you that it's his way or the highway.
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He has also done extensive web research on physical and emotional aspects of abortion (he recommended this website to me), as well as marriage counselling. He has also phoned people who have had abortions to try and understand a women's point of view. That's what makes my decision all the more difficult- he's trying to be understanding.
All right! Tell him to post here! We'd love to help him through this too. He recommended us, so he must know that we side strongly with the woman. Wink Seriously though, I'd love to talk to him on this. If he'd like...I'll even create a forum just for him to post in...a men only forum. We'd be very nice and respectful, but hopefully we'd get to get him to think about more than his own desires.
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husband- kind, caring, secure, sincere, loyal, financially stable- but I would probably have to have an abortion (we have been together a total of 5 and a half years- married for 2)
I heard a "probably" in there...did everyone else catch that? Wink I'm glad to see that you're understanding that you do not have to abort to stay with DH. Whether he stays with you is ultimately up to him.
It sounds like the other guy is a lot of fun, and sure the passion is there...but once the "passion" is gone...will there be substance to start a family on?
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I wasn't far enough along for them to pick anything up (thought I was 6 weeks, they said I must have been 5)- so I am going again tomorrow (10 weeks).
Does this still fit with the other guy being the father? You know that you start counting a pregnancy from the first day of your last period...you're actually pregnant for 2 weeks before you have sex. Wink That would mean if you are 10 weeks, you conceived 8 weeks ago.
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I am trying not to bond with it, in case I have to let go of it. I suspect this might be wrong, but I don't seem to be able to just accept I'm pregnant and visualise the baby. I feel that I will just get too upset if I think of it as a baby, and then end up having an abortion.
I can imagine why you'd want to do this, and I certainly don't fault you for it, but I don't think you'll be all that successful. If you decide to have an abortion anyway, you'll always remember this as a baby...no matter how much you tell yourself it's not and you aren't bonded, kwim? This isn't the case for everyone, but it will be for you because I can tell you're already bonded, and you want this baby. When you look at prenatal development after the abortion, you'd wonder "why didn't I look at this beforehand? Why did I ignore how I felt?" etc.
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So there it is. Husband and other babies, or lover and this baby. Difficult choice.
OR...I'm going to choose to have this baby because it's what I want, and if my husband leaves because of this, my choice will be made, but at least I won't have regret then...the pressure will be off of me and up to him as to what he wants to do. Wink That might seem unfair, but so is choosing abortion when you don't want to.
I completely agree with the PP...abortion does not always carry regret, but it almost always does when the woman wants the baby and is coerced and/or manipulated into having an abortion.
(((Hugs)))) I feel like I'm always the bearer of bad news. And I know this isn't easy. It won't be easy. But it's what's right for you sweetie. That's all I'm concerned with. I hope that you'll start to feel confident about this soon, and remember that we are here regardless of what you decide. I think when it seems so obvious what you want to do, I tend to come down strongly in favor of what you want, but I also don't want to push you away for considering your other options, okay? Wink Take care hon. I hope to hear from you soon. I'm glad you found us. Very Happy
Edit - BTW, you might find this link useful. http://www.choicetolivewith.com/AbortionConcerns/concern2.html (Will I Feel Sadness or Depression After the Abortion?)
I agree that if you want this baby, as it appears you very much do, tell your husband and see how he reacts. I agreet that if he loves you as much as you say and he wants to stay with you that badly, he will respect that you are doing what you think is the right thing. Granted, there will be things to work out with the bf as far as visitation, etc., but I agree with Sara that his history isn't very encouraging, and that may not be the most stable thing for a child, either. I don't know your thoughts on this, either, but you did make vows to be with your husband through better or worse, as did he, which is why my thoughts are to try to work things out there first. If he chooses not to agree to that if you keep the baby, that is his decision.
I do think that your first and main decision is whether or not you are going to keep the baby. After that you can decide who you want to pursue a relationship with and let them decide based on the facts you're presenting.
You're in such a tough spot right now. I don't envy you. :wink: (((HUGS)))
Chris
Hi -
Well, I am happy you came back to get some more advice. I am with the ladies and certainly with Rose. Why don't you see if you can get your husband to post here with us? It could very well help. It seems the majority of us think its best if you stay with your husband.....and for you not to have the abortion because almost everything you have said says YOU WANT THE BABY!
I think we all could keep our cool and help him just see your point of view through all of us. Why don't you ask him if he will?
It's good your going to counseling - but have you not told the counselor about this.......i.e wondering why a professional isn't much helping??? What IS the counselor doing for you?
I am really distraught about you saying you must have an abortion to stay with your husband and then saying he is "determined to change", "fighting tooth and nail to keep you" and "proved strong and reliable through this". If your husband is A,B, and C .....then why in the heck is he dead set on NOT possibly raising another man's baby? That is so contradictory of everything you say about him. If he loves you enough to change, keep you, and has so much strength then he should support you through your decision in keeping the child. That's love, strength etc. I think its his sense of pride clouding his decision - he wanted to be the one to get you pregnant. Rose has left that open as well, your husband still could be the father (even though you think its very doubtful).
IT MEANS LOVING YOU UNCONDITIONALLY EVEN THROUGH YOUR MISTAKES. This baby is innocent in all of this. Fighting for you tooth and nail and strength through this is stepping up and being "Dad" to a child that may not be his. That shows how much he loves you, and how willing he is to keep you! Have you two discussed that that very thing may bring you two closer together if you let it, and bring other good things back into the relationship? Personally, I would think he would be one of the greatest men to do that, and you would undoubtedly know you are loved completely and a lucky woman.
Also, you said it feels so right to be pregnant, but you don't want to look or think about what's going on with baby. I believe you both need to take just a little time (and i know time is of the essence) and consider every factor. I really wish the best for both you and your DH, and baby. Try to take things step by step - most importantly keep communicating with each other. Since time is a factor can you go to more counseling sessions - emergency sessions?
I wish the best for you. I know how messy this feels to you and everyone involved Believe Me! I have learned from everyone here to consider my feelings first and foremost - I have to deal with my feelings forever.
I truly believe men can be unattached from the whole thing....like baby isn't real until it actually makes it's appearance, as where a women becomes a Mother from the moment she knows she's pregnant. Do you other ladies know what I am saying?????? I mean men can feel the movements and things by touching your stomach, but you carry the baby all the time and its part of you.
Remind your DH of this - this baby is part of you even if it's not his. Maybe he could just focus on the "you" part of the baby instead of BF. I think regardless after you make your decision, you need to take steps to cut off the affair with the BF if you stick with your DH. If he can accept you not having the abortion, give him the reassurance he can be the "real" father, unless you both decide BF can have a part in the deal.
I will pray for you so hard......I know where you are....it breaks my heart that someone else can be so closely in my shoes and if I sound extreme at times, PLEASE FORGIVE ME, its just because this situation is so familiar to me. Feel free to e mail me or PM me. We are all here for you!!!!
Hugs and prayers!!!!!! 32kim1 (KIM) Very Happy
P.S. Also my Ex is sometimes a huge support for me & he knows what your husband is going through - he is willing to raise this baby I am carrying now with me as his own. Maybe if your DH needs someone to vent with privately, they can chat. My 9 mo old may not be his either, but he treats him just as if he were - he struggles with it sometimes, but he is a good man in many ways - Sometimes I think if I were him, I would have just told me off a long time ago and never spoke to me again, but it shows me he does care & this whole situation can be done. Just an offer. Think about it - maybe ask your DH. Rick (my ex) is really a private person -he has his own email also and he would truly keep it between them if your husband wanted that. There's really no shame here - we all come here to support each other!!
Hi Elizabeth,
I have not yet written to you, but I have been reading everything.
I am just wondering if this could be a brand new start for you and your husband. A restart. A brand new commitment. A saying of the vows again. Being honest always is best. Talk to him and tell him you really want this baby and you would really like to make your marriage work for the long run. Think of how things could be in five to maybe ten years. You, your husband, this baby, another brother or sister, and the first will be as much a part of the family as the next one/s. The other children will love their older brother or sister and you both will too because you will be a family that stuck it out through the tough times. And yes, this is tough time Crying or Very sad
May I say this?; If you’re regretting the affair with the other guy and wishing this hadn’t had happened, and if you really don’t want an abortion...there’s always that old saying ‘Two wrongs don’t make a right.” Do you think that applies here?
Sincerely,
Ruth
Hiya hon...I know you had your ultrasound today. I hope that you'll be able to get back with us soon and let us know how you're doing...we're all thinking about you! hello2
Hi Elizabeth -
Didn't realize your ultrasound was today. As Rose said - give us an update on how your doing, if you feel like it.
Hope you are okay - many of us are thinking of you, and know you have friends here! :colors: Keep your chin up.
Love, Kim
Hi Elizabeth -
I don't think any of us have heard from you. Please post - it's terrible to wonder if someone's not okay when they could just be out of town, had an emergency, had to work, or what not.
In your current situation, it's easy to think or wonder the worst. If you just need a little time to yourself, or are busy.......please let us know. I know personally I am worried as we haven't heard from you for several days now. If I have said something that hurt your feelings, I am truly sorry, and I think everyone else would be as well.
Just stop in and say hi - Please!
Hope, Hope, Hope you are fine ........God Bless....32kim1
Hello again,
I did have my ultrasound and the baby is a week younger than I thought (still no question about the father). It was strange seeing it in black and white- I guess it's really there. It seems to have made itself quite at home. I panicked when I saw the yolk sac- I thought it was a twin!
I am spending spending tomorrow with the father, the first time I have seen him in 6 weeks (he has been in Africa). This will be strange.
I still love my husband. I just want to go home.
Elizabeth
Hi Elizabeth,
I wish some of us could be with you so we could give you the (((hugs)))
you seem to be needing right now.
You wrote in your last message I still love my husband. I just want to go home.
Does this mean home to your husband?
Where are you living right now?
If you are not ready to meet with the father tomorrow, maybe you could wait another day or two.
I am glad that your ultrasound went well and that you are not having twins. Shocked That would have been a shock!
Let us know how things go with the father. Does your husband know you are going to see him?
We are all here for you Elizabeth and we want to help you.
Sincerely,
Ruth
Hi Elizabeth...good to hear back from you hon. Smile
I'm glad the ultrasound went well. I remember the one I had at 10 weeks with my daughter. It was quite amazing, to see the least. Was your DH there with you?
((((((Hugs)))))))) Let us know how the get-together with the father goes. Maybe talking with him will help you firm up a decision...maybe not though. Keep us posted on that. Wink
Lots of tough questions we all ask. Wink Feel free to talk about whatever you're comfortable talking about. You don't need to anwer anything you're not comfortable answering. I think we all have a tendancy to just want you to know we're trying really hard to help. Wink But we don't want to pry either.
Hi Elizabeth -
Glad your ultrasound went okay. Glad your okay. I had mine early and saw the yolk sac, something I had not see with my other 3 and I was like "what is THAT?" So don't feel bad. About another week or two and you'll see baby and placenta instead of the yolk sac.
Like Ruth - what did you mean you just want to go home? Where are you currently.....did your DH make you leave?
I know this is so very difficult on you, and you are continuously in my thoughts and prayers. As I've said, I am in about the same situation, and I know its just a heartwrenching decision on what to do. I think it would be easier if your DH would come around and be supportive. Did he attend the ultrasound.......or not want anything to do with it? Did you get pics you could maybe show him if he's willing? After all thats half of your being in there Smile I take it you have not made a decision, but your still early enough on.
May I ask if you love your husband, and want to go home, then why are you seeing the BF?
Lots of Hugs to you...be safe...and know we are here for you ..........32kim1
Hiya Elizabeth...it's been a few days. Smile I'm waiting with bated breath to find out how the meeting went with the 'other' guy. How are you doing? How are you feeling?
((((((Hugs)))))))) My thoughts are with you hon.
Thank you so much for your concern.
I've pretty much decided to keep the baby. Termination just doesn't feel right for me. I feel like a weight has been lifted of my shoulders, and I feel stronger. I am having a diagnostic scan next week to make sure there's no problems with the foetus.
Regarding the men- I chose to move in with my parents whilst I was deciding what to do in order to give my husband and I chance to breathe.
I did meet up with the BF and he's very emotional, stuck with his very distressed girlfriend. It's hard to say what I feel about him because I hardly ever see him and he's so caught up with his girlfriend's pain and misery.
My husband might consider raising my baby as his own. This is very admirable, but I need to give us time to adapt and really be sure this is what he truely wants to do.
Love,
Elizabeth
Hey! Great to see you...I thought you'd given up on us. Wink
The initial time after finally making a choice is usually always very relieving, no matter the choice. I'm glad that you are doing something that feels right for you! You've done the best you can to distance yourself from outside pressure while you made this choice, and I think that really helps a lot.
I hope your DH takes this space that he has and really thinks about your relationship. I think he just might realize that if he wants you, he's going to have to want all of you.
Will you keep us posted hon? (((Hugs))))
I think you have made a wise decision to move in with mom while you sort things out. Funny how we hate our mom's growing up then when we need them they are still there...Despite our ungrateful selves Wink It sounds as if your DH is coming around to the idea of a baby and I think that is a blessing. My DH is raising a son that is not his and he loves him just as if he was! There are some good men still out there Very Happy . Keep the faith sister, things will get better. "the darkest hour is always just before dawn" We will stand by you and anytime you need to vent Mad , cry Sad , laugh Laughing whatever, we will do it with you. As for the BF, perhaps now is the time to clarify the nature of your relationship in the future. He is the biological father of your child but should he be more? If you are working things out with DH, perhaps now is the time to set clear boundaries for both you and the BF. Obviously the affair cannot continue while DH is raising his baby...Unless of course you have an open marriage Wink Hope it all works out for you sweetie! Keep us posted! We luv updates.
Hi Elizabeth! Great to hear from you! I'm so happy for you that you've made a decision that is right for you. We'll be here to support you through the rest of the pregnancy, too, don't forget that! My husband, also, is raising a child that is not his. About a year or so after we got married he adopted her, and he also treats her like his own. It's easy to forget that she's not really his. Which is SO nice for me. We don't have the issue of the other guy being in the picture, so I hope that works out well for you. I agree, that you've made a wise decision in moving in with mom until things are all figured out. Sounds like maybe your husband's coming around and things might work out there after all. Best of luck as you deal with these things. You're in my prayers.
Chris
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