Please someone talk to me. I know no one can tell me what to do. I'm 35 and have a child. I have had 2 abortions when I was much younger. I'm now pregnant again. It was unplanned. I was going to abort on a knee jerk reaction and I wasn't going to tell the father. A friend talked me into telling him knowing I would never be able to look at him knowing I didn't. Since I've told him, he has went from angry to what I thought was ok and now he will have nothing to do with it and he has told me I did it on purpose. We were having a lot of problems and things just started going ok with us. I want to have it but I dont want to force him to. Everytime I think that I'm going to make the call to make an appointment, I think, you don't need him, you want him to be there. I feel so confused. I dont want to do this either way for the wrong reasons and I'm not even sure what those are anymore. I know life will be difficult if I keep it and I can deal with that but what I can't deal with is the father of this child, who I do love very much (I'm just not sure if he ever loved me and it this point, the anger he has tells me he doesn't), hating me and making me bitter that I decided to have it. If anyone is reading this that has gone through this, please resond.
- od2f8
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
I dont know what is right anymore
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
19 comments:
Welcome! You're right - no one can tell you what to do. My suggestion would be to figure out what you want yourself first. Don't even factor the father into it. What do you want? After you've decided that, then work out what you'll do between him and you.
(((((Hugs))))) to you OD. I'm sorry you're going through this. You sound very stressed out and sad. How far along are you? Do you feel you have the time and space needed to make this decision? Take a deep breath hon. Hopefully you'll find help and support here.
It's never wrong to want to have the baby you are pregnant with, so please don't feel that your feelings aren't worthy. You deserve to be happy. It sounds like this guy can't be counted on much for anything - he isn't there for you, helping you, respecting you, etc. So there's not a lot of reason to go out of your way to benefit him and make him happy. You aren't forcing him to be a father if you choose to have this baby. He has that control, and if he doesn't want to parent, he won't be there. That's unfortunate, but it's true.
A wrong reason to do anything is if it goes against your heart. If you do something that you know you shouldn't do, that would be wrong. What would the father be able to do to you that would make you miserable forever? Do you live with him? Work with him? Avoid him when you can hon...there's no reason to put up with him making you feel bitter. ((((Hugs)))))
Thank you for your kind words and advice Rose. I'm 7 weeks. I found out at 4 weeks. I found out early enough to have time to make a decision but I think it may have given me too much time. I do nothing but think about it.
As for the father, he went through this with a past girlfriend and she did have an abortion. He blammed himself for it and said it was the cause of their breakup. He said she only did it for him. I now know differently due to the stories I've heard since. She kind of used it against him knowing it was a hook she had in him. She has finally dropped out of the picture after 2 years but he never forgot and still seems to hold much guilt from it. I was very scared to tell him that I was pregnant in the first place and this was one of the reasons why. I knew he was emotionally scared from it before. At first when I told him, he was upset. We didn't speak for 2 days. I wanted him to have time to absorb it and not respond to me angry and upset. We finally talked and he blammed me for doing it on purpose to make him pay for an affair he had a couple months ago. He couldn't be more worng about this. We had so many ups and downs and things were finally going very good for us. It seemed he appreciated more that I stuck with him and still loved him. The last thing I wanted to do was cause any strain on us. My son loves him very much and his father is 5 states away so my boyfriend is kind of a surrogate to him. My boyfriend finally started to calm down and it seemed like he was ready to step up and be responsible regardless. I was still torn as to what to do. Then just at the end of the week, he went back to being mad b/c I hadn't made a decision. I wrote him a letter and told him I wanted to keep the baby and explained why I did and why I felt the need to put it in a letter. After he read it, he called me and well, all hell broke loose. He called me names, told me he knew I did this on purpose and asked me where I wanted him to send the check to.
Knowing him as I do, he does and says a lot in anger. I don't want to put another child through what I have put my beautiful son through since his father and I divorced and he moved so far a way. It is hard on my son not having a father around. I know I could do ok with two kids. I even have a neighbor who will quit her job just to be my full time sitter with the baby - with approval from her husband. It seems the only thing that isn't in my favor in all of this is the father of this baby. It has torn me up inside. After 2 1/2 years of being with him you'd think he'd deal with this a little better. With all his morals and worry of who he will upset, I just dont understand why he would walk away from his own child. He loves kids. He was there for my child. It doesnt make any sense.
Yes, I'm stressed. I'm upset. I'm confused and feel ashamed that I'm in a situation like this at my age. I feel like I'm in high school all over again. I really do want to keep this baby but I'm afraid he will want to be involved later and maybe to only make life hard for me. We don't live or work together. Of course I want him to be a part of this but not to refer to our child as a mistake or make it feel unwanted. I dont want that type of negativity around my family. I still have a little time to figure out what will be best but this is so very hard. Having gone through both abortion and birth, I can't look at my little boy thinking I could be giving up a bright little face like that. I will continue to look back for more posts and hopefully, I can figure this one out soon. Thank you again.
It sounds like he really has some mood swings, huh? He doesn't sound like the most stable person, and I'd really really be careful if you're thinking about sacrificing your desires for him. It sounds like he can be very manipulative and uncaring about your feelings.
It sounds like you have some concerns that he would "haunt" you forever if you decide to have this baby. you can file for child support and set up visitation if he comes around and wants to see the baby. If he comes around to harrass you, you can do the same thing...that way he won't be able to contact you whenever, etc. If you feel unsafe, report him. I think that he would get the drift after awhile...but you probably know him best. What do you envision him doing?
Take your time hon. You're only 7 weeks along. You'll get through this, and please keep posting. It helps to be able to talk about it. ((((Hugs)))))
I'm thinking about you hon. I hope you're doing okay, and please update when you can. We worry. pacing
Hello Ladies,
Thank you again for being there. Nothing seems to have changed much as far as his reaction or my indecision. Every day seems to bring more stress. I just received notice from an attorney that my sons father wants to reduce his child support. I have a court date in 2 weeks. He would prefer to spend it on his current girlfriend and her daughter from what it sounds. So I am now adding additional worry to an already no win situation. There was a time not too long ago that I thought things were going to finally be pleasant. I had a boyfriend that I thought loved me and my son. A home. A decent job that I enjoy. And most importantly, an absolutely wonderful and beautiful son that I would do anything for. Now, the guy is gone. I'm pregnant with his child. And, I am taking a real chance at losing my home if I put on too many more expenses. I always worry about money. I could move to a more affordable area but not without causing damage to my son. He is very well adjusted here finally. He has gone through a lot in his short life.
I just lost my mother 3 years ago this month. We were very close and she died from cancer very quickly. I took care of her. Her death almost put me on a downward spiral. It took less than 6 months from the time we found out she had cancer to the day she died. I had medical power of attorney for her even though my father was still alive. He just couldn't make any decisions regarding her once he realized she would die. She was also very close to my son. His birthday is in 1 week. He will be 6. Even though he spent every day with her (we lived with my parents for a coupld years) he does not remember her. I keep trying to think of what she would do. She married my father when she found out she was pregnant with my sister. Their realtionship ended up being a very loving one. I held my mothers hand when she died and my father held her other. She asked me once when I was still married if I was going to have any more children. I told her no b/c money and timing just didn't seem right. She told me if everyone thought that way, none of us would be here. Those words were the first thing I thought of when I found out I was pregnant. She didn't believe in divorce and I dont think she would approve of me having an abortion. I wish I could hear her voice right now.
I made an appointment with my doctor. I will see her on the 20th of this month. The day after my court appearance for child support. I started taking prenatal vitamins. Even though I am still teetering with the decision I made, I know that I need to take care of myself and the baby if I stick to it. I find myself cramping a lot. I know I'm not alone but I sure do feel alone. I caught myself getting very frustrated with my son today and there was no reason to be. I spoke to the "non-boyfriend" yesterday. He told me he would never tell his family and if I did, well, lets just say he threatened me. That made me want to pick up the phone then. They would never put up with what he is doing. He offered to sign away his parental rights. His mother and sister both married because of a pregnancy. I know a lot of you are thinking, what in Gods name were you doing with this guy. But you really have to know him to love him. The older women seem to adore him. Everyone seems to once they know him. I have a friend in her 50's that is works with him. She sent him an email. She asked him to take this long weekend to think about what he is saying and doing. He told me I could call him if I needed to talk but he would remain firm in his position. I don't want to speak to him right now. He is probably angry that our friend knows and wrote him.
So my choices still remain to be:
1) Have another child that I know I would love; struggle financially but who doesnt; not have a father of either of my 2 children around and raise them on my own or
2) Have an abortion and still not have a father (figure) around for the son I have; financially do about the same; wonder ever year around the time my mother died and my sons birthday what it would have been like to have the child I gave up.
It almost seems like an easy decision but it is not. I researched clincs in my area that I could go to if I decieded to just give up on all of this. I feel like if I did, I would have that emotional breakdown and I can't do that. I'm all my son has.
Stuck between a rock and a hard place. That's never a fun place to be. It sounds like the parenting option would leave you a little less scarred emotionally. Are you worried about going against his wishes primarily? Or are you more concerned with finances? Do you know if you qualify for financial aid where you live? Do you need the baby furniture, clothes, etc? Would his family find out that you were pregnant/had a baby without you telling them? It'd be nice to have them in your corner, but not at the risk of him doing you harm I suppose.
((((Hugs))))) Keep talking it out hon. I can imagine how hard this must be for you - especially factoring in your son's birthday.
I will admit that I would hate to do this without him and yes, going against his wishes factors into all of this. He said he would send whatever he would be required to financially so I'm sure that would help. I was planning on starting back to school again and that would help me get a better raise at work and job in the future. I was intending on trying to do online courses anyways. I make too much now to even get my son reduced lunches at his school so I'm not sure if I'd qualify for financial aid. I make about 30K a year or less. Most of the people in this area make much more than that. I don't exactly live in an area that is considered low income but that is only b/c I came across a wonderful situation and was able to purchase my home from a neighbor at a very good price. I still have a lot of my son's belongings from when he was a baby so I don't think I'd need much. There are enough yard sales around here every year that I'm sure I could find what I need. I really think I'd just be making it financially. One of those situations where you pray that nothing breaks or goes wrong or you will not be able to pay to fix it.
His family lives about 50 miles away. All of them. I don't think they would ever find out (no real chance of ever running into them) unless they were told. I know his sister would completely understand my situation and how her brother reacted. I'm not close to his family at all. They were very accepting of my son which surprised me. I thought the fact that I was divorced with a child would be an issue. They are more traditional and would probably expect him to marry me. I believe he is worried mostly about his 93 yo grandmother. He stated he didn't want her last thoughts of him to be this "mess". He has always been a favorite of hers. His mother has MS and his fathers health (mentally at this point due to so much stress) is a little shaky. He also has an uncle dying of cancer right now. I understand the stress he is worried this will have on his family. What I don't think he realizes is that he is creating this situation/stress right now by his reaction. We were doing good in our relationship. His reaction is what has turned this upside down. Deep down, I wish he would have been willing to just go to his family and say he was thinking of marrying me anyways so this is just putting the cart before the horse. I could never say that to him. That would just be more ammunition for him to say this is why he thinks I did this on purpose.
I know they would be very disappionted in him if he did not tell them and they ended up finding out later. Me telling them would worsen the situation for me but them finding out some other way would be on him. I've considered talking to his sister but I'm not sure she would be able to speak to him or would want to. He tends to hide away when he has an issue and will not go around any of them. I wouldn't want her to tell his parents either. That is something he should do. If he intends to stick to his statements of not wanting anything to do with the child if I have it, I am willing to tell him the following: "It is your choice to not be a father but it is not your choice to dictate to me who I will invite/involve in its life. Therefore, I will inform your family and let them make that decision." Typing that is easier than doing it. I think also if I told them, he would not hurt me. He would not be very nice about the whole thing though. I can't just show up at her house either. She lives right down the street from her parents and grandmother. They would see me there. Plus, it wouldn't be a very private meeting. Lots of children around (4 of her own). He would quickly find out I was there. I hate breaking this news in an email either. I invited her children to my sons birthday (the nonboyfriend does not know this yet). She will probably not be able to come but I'm sure she will mention it to him. My son just loves her son and wanted him to be there.
I'm sorry for being so long winded but you are right, it does help to talk this out with a stranger that has heard it all before. I'm a typer anyways. I've never been able to just "say it". I've been considering talking to one of my aunts too but I really wanted to speak to people that were neutral about these situations. I'm not sure how she would feel about it. I'm not very close to many of my family members but I'm close enough that I could share this with her and know she'd keep it to herself. It also helped to spend time last night reading so many other stories here. I praise that young lady having twins and considering adoption. Bless her little heart for being that strong. Adoption is out of the question for me. I also feel too selfish to do that. It's either all or nothing. I made my bed, a little messy, but what is done is done. It just troubles me that he is as smart as he is and doesn't understand that these things happen no matter how safe you try to be. I pray he takes this long weekend as our friend suggested and really thinks this through. If he still feels this way come Tuesday, I will have to make a final decision that week. I don't want to go past 11 weeks and change my mind. I will be checking back for anymore advice. It really does help. No matter what, I plan to come back to this site in the future and maybe be of help to someone else. You guys are just wonderful.[/img]
Sorry to just drop in like this but I read through a few posts and just wanted to chime in with a "you can do it!" If you truly love this child and want to keep him or her, go for it. I am around sporadically nowadays as my home computer crashed! I am online at a friends house but really wanted to encourage you. Stay strong and follow your heart. There are more important things in this life than money and posessions and we mothers know this better than anyone else!
You might qualify for aide now that you have 2 kids...especially if you go back to school, so don't quite rule that out. What are you thinking of going back to school for? Could your online courses be done by the time the baby arrives? I hate to think of you just barely scraping by, because if there is an emergency, I don't want you to have to suffer. But I do think that with a little looking/planning, we can figure out a way to make it work that doesn't involve an abortion that you don't want.
I guess I would try not to worry too much about ex's family. If they're meant to find out, they will. Don't forget that he might be a lot of talk now when he thinks that this might push you toward having the abortion that he wants. He might change his tune slightly if he discovers you won't be going that route. I'm not saying he'll be all for it, but he may become more agreeable and easier to work with. Perhaps if things don't change, you can just let him know that you will be sending out a birth announcement to his family. That way he has plenty of time to figure things out.
I'll be praying that his heart softens over the weekend, but remember that if he has an inch, he'll take a mile. Telling him that there won't be an abortion might make him easier to work with after a little while. So, think about that as you decide. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers too. ((((Hugs)))))
Well, I'll try to keep this short but I really have a hard time doing that. I'm such a typer. Very Happy I have 2 degrees, both associates. One in Liberal Arts and a separate one in Medical Lab Science. I used to be in the military (8 years) and worked in a hospital laboratory. Spent some time in Hawaii training. Sykorose, it was a beautiful place. Maybe I lived someplace by you. I worked at that big pink building in the sky while there Smile When I got out, I wanted to be sure I had a lot of time for my son as he was only 5 months at the time and I was still married. I stayed at home with him as long as I could and ended up taking a receptionist job that somehow, 2 years later landed me in a job that ran the computer network there. 2 years after that I left that job (it was where I met the father of this child at). I am now doing the same type of thing just for a different company and with less responsibility. It is a great company to work for. A non profit. They will be sending me to some short courses that will help me to get a few computer certifications.
I have my GI Bill also. I wanted to go back to school for nursing since I would only have to do the core Nursing classes but they don't offer any in the evenings. I would have to quit my job and find one at night in order to go to school during the day. I wanted to do the nursing for several reasons, mostly b/c I knew I'd never have trouble finding work unlike the computer world. So, I had to give up on that. I looked everywhere and none of the schools around here offer a program like that. Since I'm now in the computer world, I thought I might get a bachelors in one of the computer degrees that are offered around here. Most can be done online and there will be more opportunity to take them in the evenings if not. It is not what I really want to do but it is something. Everyone knows the more education you have under your belt, the better you are to get more money. I've never taken a computer class in my life and I landed both of the jobs I've had in that field beating out people that did have experience/education. So, there is some hope there.
Something came to me when talking to a friend last night. My ex has said at times of wanting my son to come and live with him. Purely for financial reasons I'm sure. When he is there with him he never spends enough time with him and he is always carted around to others for babysitting. He just doesn't want to pay child support. We speak every time he calls his son, every 3 or so days. He never once mentioned he was going to petition to lower support. I'm sure he wanted to blind side me and he is leaving at the end of the month to go overseas with his NG unit for a year. I guess he figures I wont be able to do much while he is gone and he could find a way to get out of paying some of that money. It sickens me to think this. I have been very cooperative with him too. I didn't go through FOTC for payment so that if times were too tight, I would be able to cut him some slack. I would meet him half way between out states so my son could spend time with him. That is over with. He can bear that financial burden now. I am always too nice when it comes to these things. It is very sad. Now that there is a darn good chance that I will have this baby, I'm afraid he will use that against me when he gets back and try to take my son from me. The whole unwed mother issue. I'm almost sure of it. He is very bitter of our split and blames me for it even though he has found someone else. I have to get a lawyer now for court in a few weeks. He wants more "liberal" visiting rights whatever that may mean when you are 5 states away by choice and he didn't include his military pay in his financial earnings. The paperwork also says I made much more than I do. He has made me bitter about the situation now too. I will have to spend the next few days gathering information about payments he has/hasn't made which will be hard to prove since I foolishly let him pay me directly. I've fought so hard to keep my sons life as normal as possible only to risk so much to disrupt it again. I don't want him to be able to make a horrid scene of my life so that he could gain custody. I'm afraid now that if I have this baby, he will be able to do that.
I know I will eventually tell his sister at the least. She has a huge heart and I know she would want to know of this baby's existence. I have not told any of my family members about this and I'm almost afraid that if I do, they will go to him. I don't imagine it would do any good. If our mutual friend can't get through to him, I doubt anyone but his own family could. At that point, if he came around it would be with much more anger than he has now. And for some strange reason, I feel like I might be further along than I may think. I wish I knew for sure. What a mess. I try to understand how he is feeling but I just can't. He will miss out on so much if he doesn't become a part of it's life. We were happy before we knew of this pregnancy and I can't understand how he would be so willing to run from his own child. He loves children. He has nieces and a nephew that he helped raise. He loved my son. It saddens me to think that he could be so selfish.
You are a typer. Wink That's okay though - the talking is good! It helps to know as much as possible.
It sounds like you really have some great job opportunities before you, although it is too bad that the nursing school won't work out. I made it part way through that before I got pregnant, and I turned to medical transcription from home...since I'm a typer too and I have the medical background. It's working out very well, and I hope that you can find the "perfect" job as well.
It's horrible that your ex has been so demanding and selfish regarding his son. It isn't fair to you or him, and I really hope that FOTC will be able to iron out how much he needs to pay. Maybe going through them will provide you with some stability and guidance. It sounds like you're in the habit of bending over backwards for others - even when they don't treat you well. ((((Hugs)))) Time to stand up for yourself and avoid the backache. paddle LOL
It is not illegal or damaging for you to be pregnant with another man's child. He won't be able to gain custody because of that. Keep things as stable as possible right now though - don't quit your job or anything. Show the court you have plans to pursue home courses so that you'll be able to provide for 2, etc. Your lawyer will give you some good tips. He also can't demand to see his son more unless he plans on moving closer. That would totally disrupt your son's life. Custody battles can be so ugly. (((((Hugs))))) to you and your son. What day is his birthday this week? What are the plans?
Sorry I have not posted this past week. I was a little busy with my sons 6th birthday party. Just as a follow-up, I started miscarrying last night. This has been a very stressful situation in itself and the fact that there was added pressure and issues didn't help. What is meant to be will be I guess. Unfortunately I had decided to keep the baby after speaking to my aunt who I had read these posts last week. Thank you all for every ounce of support you have given me. You will never understand how much it meant. I just encourage others that find themselves in a similar situation to remove as much stress from their lives as they can until they can make a decision they will be able to live with. I will continue to check back and maybe be there for someone else. Maybe that will be the only good that will come of all of this. Thank you once again.
Aw (((((((((((gentle hugs)))))))))) hon. I'm so sorry that this has happened. A miscarriage is always hard, but sometimes to the woman who was considering abortion, it's even harder because you might feel you didn't want the child enough, etc. Are you having any of those thoughts?
We're still here for you hon. There's even a miscarriage forum here. You're welcome to post as much as you need to.
I was set the last couple weeks on keeping it. I guess I just needed some reassurance from someone that was close to my mother that keeping it would be "ok" in this situation. My aunt told me to come to her as if she were my mom. It sounds so silly for a woman that is 35 to need
her mother but I do and miss her very much. I felt so much better with my decision. I wasn't going to back down after that. That was the other reason I had not posted to your reply. I didn't care if the father was there for me I just wanted him to be there for his child but not if he was going to cause more misery and pain for any of us. Then to lose this little life, after
all of that, I just can't stop crying. It was the worst experience. My doctor sent me for an ultrasound to see if I was just bleeding and if the baby was still there but I ended up passing two huge "clots" about the size of plums in the bathroom of the hospital. I don't mean to be so gory about any of this but I ended up catching it in my hand b/c I couldn't sit on the
toilet fast enough. I never expected this. I just had an ultrasound that morning and they said everything looked good. I feel for so many women that have gone through this. I just want all of this to end now. Unfortunately, as with everything else, I'll be reminded every year on my sons birthday whether I want to try and forget or not. I will see if I can
get up the nerve to post on the miscarriage site but right now, I'm too depressed to even tell anyone else what happened. The father of the child doesn't even know yet.
Big (((hugs))) hon. I am so sorry for your loss and all you are going through. It can just be so much worse to go through this after deciding to carry the baby to term. I know that the pain is horrid right now, and I know you feel like the hurt is never going to go away. I had a miscarriage too at 7 weeks. I know how badly it can hurt, and all I can do right now is offer you some ((hugs)) and let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Please keep posting if you feel up to it.
(((HUGS))) I'm so sorry, hon. You're in my prayers.
I'm sorry you had to go through all that. I, on the other hand, am also 35 and still deciding. I live w/my bf but I don't know if he's the one I want to live with forever. He's a real sweetheart and I know that I care about him but I'm just not sure there are enough sparks for this to work. And I don't want to stay w/him just for the baby. I don't know. I actually played w/fire the night I got pregnant cuz in the back of my mind I thought it would help me decide to marry him. He'd asked a long time ago and I originally told him to wait and later said yes then later said maybe we should live together first. Well, getting pregnant had the opposite affect of what I was going for. It just made me more scared and unsure. We had a fight and almost broke up but I told him to stay and he did. But I still have my doubts. He's good looking but sometimes I'm just not attracted to him and for me that's a problem if you wanna have an intimate relationship. Probably if he were a real asshole I'd love him but he's actually the most decent guy I know.
I'm a little over 9 weeks along. I don't know what to do. Part of me saysd just have an abortion and move on w/your life and the Catholic part of me doesn't like that idea - though I always thought I was prochoice for other people. I just NEVER thought that would even be a question in my life. I was always so careful. And now I stupidly went and got pregnant thinking that would be a solution to all my problems. Well, it hasn't made me want to get married anymore than before and it makes me sad cuz it was supposed to be a beautiful, happy thing. I haven't told too many people cuz in the beginning I had really bad cramps. I thought for sure I would miscarry. Now, I feel horrible for saying this, but I have prayed for a miscarriage so that it wouldn't be my fault and I could make decisions about my life w/out involving other people to do it for me. Ya know? I just feel like an idiot. And all my mom keeps asking is when am I getting married. I told her yesterday that marriage was not in the forefront of my mind right now though she doesn't know I'm considering abortion. I would just tell her I miscarried. I feel like such a bitch. I don't wanna deprive my bf of this experience but I want to be sure of my relationship before going ahead. And I know if I abort, I could not stay w/him cuz I'd feel guilty every time I looked at his face. I also have panic disorder so that is not helping. I wake up panicking and I'm depressed. I had to get off meds when I found out about the baby and I take prenatal vitamins so I think I'm in okay health. I just don't know what to do. Anyone out there would think I'm in the ideal situation but this is just not how I thought it would be.
Hi Lost,
Welcome to the board! It sounds like you're really facing a lot of issues right now. We'd love to help! Can you start a new topic and paste your info in? That way this thread will stay for Guest. ((((Hugs))))
One thing to think about - your feelings might change for your boyfriend once the baby is born - for the better. Sometimes feeling "familyish" is a wonderful thing. You don't need to marry now - or after.
Anyway, I hope that you'll post again so that we can reply more in depth. Smile
Post a Comment