Hi. I have an appointment scheduled for tomorrow at an abortion clinic, but I am very torn about the decision and so afraid that I can't go through with it. I am 38, separated, with three other children that live with my husband. My boyfriend doesn't want children, and we had been using birth control, which obviously didn't work. I am six weeks LMP. I am really scared about the process, although everyone at the clinic seemed very nice. I'm afraid if I back out and decide to keep the child that I will end up alone with no support and possibly lose the ability to share custody of the children I already have. I have a decent job, but am having trouble making ends meet as it is. I also have no medical insurance. I am Catholic, and although logically the best solution at the moment is for me to abort, this is a huge moral issue for me and I'm so afraid that if I go through with it I'll carry guilt and regret for the rest of my life. Any suggestions or similar experiences?
- Vicki
Thursday, September 8, 2005
Just need some advice
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20 comments:
Hi and welcome to CTLW,
I am very concerned about how you are feeling right now. You seem very emotional. Decisions made under high stress are usually not the decisions that would have been made if more time were given.
I strongly suggest canceling the appointment for tomorrow and take some more time to think things through.
We have a very strong support system here at CTLW and if you give us a couple of days you will get more responses from woman who care about you and some who have been in similar situations.
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I am really scared about the process, although everyone at the clinic seemed very nice.
Being this scared is a good reason to postpone things for a little while and they will be nice to you just like they are when you take your child in to the doctor when they are sick. A doctors office no matter what kind, will do their best to be kind to make you feel at ease.
Quote:
this is a huge moral issue for me and I'm so afraid that if I go through with it I'll carry guilt and regret for the rest of my life.
This is probably the biggest reason you should wait. Think of your life in five years. This child would be almost five years old and you would be through the worst of things. If you go through with the abortion how do you see things in five years?
Financially, there are ways of receiving assistance until you are on your feet. If you fill out the form for state aid we can help you with places that can help you in your area.
Try this for right now; Say to yourself "I am going to postpone the appt. for tomorrow and just think about things and wait to hear from more woman from this website." If you feel a sense of relief that should be your answer. You can always make another appt in a couple of weeks.
Please let us know how you are doing and how we can further help you.
Love and ((((((((((hugs)))))))))))!!!!
Ruth
((HUGS))) and welcome! Ruth is absolutely right....if have any doubts at all, the best thing to do is postpone your appt. You have plenty of time to work through things and we'd love to help you do that. Make sure you've done your research and know exactly what it is you're going to experience if you decide to abort. Think about adoption, think about parenting, and how you could make it work. Make a pros/cons list for each option and see how you feel about it. Jut take your time. I'd hate to see you do something you regret because of pressure or lack of support. Let us know if you decide to keep the appointment, and how you're doing afterward....the ladies here are great for post-ab support, too. We're here to help in any way we can....just let us know.
Thinking of you,
(((HUGS)))
Chris
Hi there, and welcome to CTLW!
My usual advice is that if you are unsure or feeling it might not be a good thing to do, you should postpone and think some more. I usually suggest a 2-week period before rescheduling. There are some good abortion concerns that you might be interested in reading here: http://www.choicetolivewith.com/decisionmakingworkbookconcerns.html#anchor_78 - I'd suggest the first two for certain:
I'm afraid of the procedure.
Will I feel sadness or depression after the abortion?
If you do decide to postpone, we can discuss some of your concerns about parenting, custody, finances, etc. We can talk about those moral issues and how they might impact you in the future. Logic isn't always the great decision-maker it sounds like...your heart and feelings are just as important in a decision like this.
Can you let us know what you decide to do and give us an update hon? ((((Hugs))))
Thank you all for some good advice! I have postponed my appointment and am taking some time to really think through the decision. The father doesn't seem too happy with the decision, but he is still supportive and although he and I don't exactly see eye to eye on the status of the "fetus" he understands that it has to ultimately be my decision. I don't want to wait too long, but I knew I wasn't ready today. I hope to come to a decision within the next week or so. I appreciate the help.
(((HUGS))) You did the right thing. Talk this out here, let us help you figure out the best way to go. Are your parenting concerns only financial? We can help you find places in your area to help with food, clothes, etc. before and after the baby's born. If that would help, there's a form to fill out under "Find Assistance" on the website. You'll receive an email back with the different agencies in your area. Depending on your income, you may be able to get more assistance than you think with 4 kids. They'd be able to help with info on Medicare, too, if you qualify for that, etc.
Keep talking...that's the best thing to do right now. Let us know how we can help.
Chris
I'm glad you postponed it. Did you reschedule? Or do you need to call back to do that?
If you like, you can do the Decision-Making Workbook, the PASS Assessment, and the Find Assistance form. Use these to make your decision. (If you haven't already.)
Feel free to talk it out here as much as you need to! ((((Hugs)))))
Do you have an update for us hon? I'd love to hear back from you. (((Hugs))))
Hi Everyone,
I don't really have an update yet. I have another abortion appointment scheduled for Saturday at the urging of my boyfriend. I really don't want to go through with it. I have gone back and forth with my moral issues for weeks now. I am now about 8 weeks lmp. If I don't get it done this weekend, I won't be able to get the manual aspiration... and I really don't want the vacuum surgery. I think the vacuum would have more of a psychological impact on me. As more time goes by the moral implications weigh more and more heavily on me. But how do I tell my boyfriend that I don't want to go through with it? He'll be devastated and I don't want to risk losing him. Still not sure what to do. Any advice?
If you go through with the abortion only because that is what he wants, you could end up being very bitter towards him, and he could end up losing you because of it. Is it worth that to him? Does he want to take that chance? Or if you stand up to him and say you want to have the baby and you'd do it even without him, would that change his tune at all?
This is a time for you to think about what you want. He does not have to worry about the feelings of regret and guilt that you could have if you did go through with it. If you feel as strongly about it as it appears, you probably have a pretty good chance at having to deal with the effects of Post Abortion Stress Syndrome.
I hate it when men make women feel like they need to do something in order to keep the man happy. What about you? Doesn't he care about how you feel? I don't really have any suggestions for you, except just to say "I'm keeping this baby. Are you going to stay with me or not?" And I know that's probably not the approach you want to take.
I will be thinking about you....let us know how things are going.
Hugs and prayers,
Chris
Hi and big hugs to you,
Quote:
I have another abortion appointment scheduled for Saturday at the urging of my boyfriend. I really don't want to go through with it.
I can't stress enough that this is not the reason to have an abortion. Please reconsider what you want and what is best for you. This is not about him ultimately. You are the one to be pregnant and you are the one that will give birth (If you choose to do that), and you are the one who can decide wether to parent or not.
A real boyfriend would support you in the decision you feel best about , not what he wants. Real love is about being unselfish and wanting what is best for the other partner. Putting your needs first right now is what he needs to do.
I suggest what Chris said. Stand up to him and tell him you are not at all
comfortable with having an abortion. See what he says. If he walks, then that tells you alot about how committed he is.
Quote:
As more time goes by the moral implications weigh more and more heavily on me.
This is huge and please take this seriously. You could suffer greatly from what we PASS, Post Abortive Stress Syndrome. If this weighs heavy on your heart now, think about how it will feel if you go through with it. And especially if your boyfriend doesn't stick around regardless of what you do. This will surely put a huge strain on your relationship.
Please let us know how you are doing and what is happening. You can easily postpone and take more time to think.
Love and huge hugs, (((((((((((()))))))))))))
Ruth
Hi there, and thanks for the update. Smile
The other ladies have given you some great advice, and I second what was previously said.
I don't like time constraints. Could you talk to your doctor about anesthesia options so that you could think about this longer? You have enough pressure on you already. Having anesthesia would make it so you won't hear the sound of the vacuum.
If you do not want to go through with the abortion, you just need to get some strength (and we'll give you as much as we can) to stand up to him and say, "Honey, I just cannot do this. I love you so much, but there are some things that just cross the line, and I feel that this would stay with me in a way that would be very difficult. You probably don't understand this, but you that's because you don't have to carry the weight of the decision like I do."
What is he so worried about that is causing him to react this way? Make a list of his major issues and work around them. (For instance, if he's concerned about living conditions, pull out the apartment listings and find a cheap place in a nice area that will suit you.) Do this before you talk to him. That way, problem A, B, C... X, Y, Z are already solved before he can complain about them.
Once you've drawn the line. Do not back down. This is really really important, because if he senses that you might cave in, he'll increase the pressure. If you are firm but kind in your decision to have the baby, over time he will either decide to stay or decide to leave. That doesn't have anything to do with you though, because that is his choice to make. Depending on your relationship and the type of man he is, he could very well stay and be happy and love his child like nothing else in the world. However, if he leaves you at this time, then won't you be glad you didn't have an abortion for him? You can still love this child with all you have, and there are no emotional drawbacks there - not like with abortion for you.
((((Hugs))))) Will you let us know what you decide and how things are going? You are in my prayers.
Hi there, sorry to jump into the middle of the conversation like this...better late than never though...I aborted 6 years ago (against my better judgement) for 2 reasons : fear of the unknown that lay ahead of me, and fear of losing mr. wrong who I loved for what I thought were all the right reasons. Remember sweetie, while abortion is a perfectly legal and ok option, you also have the right to remain pregnant if that is what your heart leads you toward. No amount of whining or complaining from the man should sway you. Abortion is forever and there is no rewind button on life. Make a choice you can live with, not him. We will stand by you either way. Best wishes and God bless. if you want to read my story more or chat, check out www.openarms.homestead.com
Hello again to all!
I've been posting in this thread as a guest, but decided to sign up because I'm at the point where I really need advice again and figured I'd probably be here awhile!
As you can tell from my posts above, I am a complete basket case! I'm all over the place. At six weeks lmp, I decided to have an abortion. Then I really had second thoughts about it and you ladies have all been very helpful to me so far. I still haven't decided for sure about what to do. I go back and forth so often. Things just get so complicated.
I'm now at about 9 weeks pregnant (due to bc failure) and very unsure about it. I'm fairly religious, have three other children, and after doing some research, I learned that I would probably be a prime candidate for getting PASS. I think logically an abortion would be the right choice for me at the moment - I'm 38 years old, in the middle of a divorce that should be final in about three weeks, have three older kids (16, 15 & 10). I've just been on my own for about 6 months now. The kids live with my ex. I see them regularly and have no regrets about that. My bf is 30, never had kids,and doesn't want any. When I told him I was pregnant, he flipped and asked "when are you making the appointment?". I did just that. I went to the local abortion clinic for counseling and to sign the papers on the following Tuesday and made an appointment for that Friday. Then I totally chickened out. I thought back to when I was pregnant with my kids... my ex had wanted me to abort when I got pregnant with my third - but I was 18 weeks along when I found out and at that stage of pregnancy,combined with the fact that I was married, financially stable, and had the means to care for another child, I resisted. Now my ex tells me that he's so thankfull I didn't listen because he and my son are so close. When I look at my son, he's such a joy, and it makes me think that maybe I should suck it up and have this baby.
I am now 9 weeks lmp and I just don't think I have the courage to go through with an abortion. I admire the girls that know what they want and have the will and the decisiveness to just go ahead and do it. It's not that easy for me. I wish it was. I told my bf the other night that I don't think I could do it. That I think it would be damaging to me. Two of my friends had it done and both said that although it was probably the best choice for them at the time, that they still have regrets. I guess this is a normal reaction to a difficult choice, but I'm not sure I could make that choice when it comes right down to it. My bf flipped out and said that if I had this baby that obviously I don't care about him because it would totally ruin his life. He said his friends and family would hate me and he would resent me. He couldn't understand why I would want this "thing" and if he could he'd rip it out himself and stomp on it. That is means nothing. I told him I would probably resent him if he forced me to do something that I was so unsure about. I told him that I loved him and don't want to hurt him, but this is so hard on me. He said that he didn't understand me and couldn't listen to anything I told him. He said it was nothing but words and he stormed out. This behaviour was totally not like him at all. He called about five minutes later to apologize and told me that he is just confused and he didn't like to be mean or rude to me because he cares about me but that he just couldn't handle being a father. He sounded like he was crying and I just felt so bad. He told me not to worry about it and just go get some sleep and he'd see me tomorrow.
Last night, he came over and we just sat on the sofa and watched a movie. He put his arm around me and told me he loved me. He didn't mention anything about the night before, so I thought it was best to not bring it up either. I did tell him that I wasn't sure if he'd want to see me again and he said of course he would see me. I don't know how to take it. We usually end up getting intimate when we're together, but last night was different. He just held me and kissed me. We didn't talk a lot. It was actually very comforting in a weird kind of way. Is he in denial? Or do you think it's just his way of dealing with it - by not talking about it? I may be way off base here, but I couldn't help but think he was being nice to influence me? I'm very confused about how he acted. Maybe he just needs time to accept and adjust? Maybe he's just scared?
Ladies, I love this man very much and I don't want to hurt him in any way. Should I try to talk myself into an abortion to save the relationship? I'm not sure I would feel better after an abortion - maybe I'd feel relief - but if I have this child I really think I may lose him and he's very special to me. I'm very confused again and would appreciate any advice.
Thank you,
Vicki
Vicki,
You shouldn't talk yourself into it just to save the relationship. You would probaby have nothing but resentment towards your bf b/c he made you do something you didn't want to do. I think that by standing up to him and telling him you're not comfortable with it and won't do it, you're doing the right thing. It seems like your decision is going back and forth between him and the baby - like you need to choose one or the other. It sounds to me like it's possible that he might be softening a bit, and maybe realizing that a baby wouldn't be so bad after all. Maybe he realizes that he may lose you if he doesn't stick by your decision to have the baby. Maybe it's just fear of the unknown that's scaring him. In any case, it sounds like the two of you had a really nice night together, something you really needed.
Let us know how you're doing and how things go with your bf.
(((HUGS))),
Chris
Hi Vicki - glad you posted. Smile I was thinking of emailing you right before I saw this.
I'm sure you're tired of hearing from me...lol. But I agree wholeheartedly with Chris on this. I think that if you have the abortion because he wants it (and you don't) in order to "save the relationship," you're going to lose the relationship (either he'll break up with you because he's tired of your regret or you'll break up with him because of resentment). Then where will you be? No boyfriend, and no future baby. Sure, I can't promise you it'll be this way, but based on what you've told me and posted here, it's likely. I wish it wasn't, but I want you to be fully armed and prepared.
This isn't a matter of being courageous either. You're not a coward because you don't feel that you can't have an abortion any more than women who have abortions are cowards for not parenting. Each choice has a LOT of baggage with it, and none of the choices are cowardly in my opinion. Please don't beat up on yourself by saying that you're not courageous enough. In my book, a courageous woman knows her limits and her needs and pursues them...stands up for them.
As for your boyfriend, I find a lot of times men do not want to talk about it all the time. There's often a period of a month or more when you wonder "Uhhhh...he does remember there will be a baby shooting out of me in a few months, right???" They just need some time to sit on it and mull it over privately. This is a good step for him. It actually shows he's out of the "tantrum" phase where he demands, demands, demands and makes you feel guilty. I usually suggest that you let him initiate the conversation about the baby, but if you have a doctor appointment or some other major event, give him a small - very casual - update. Make plans and do things on your own while he adjusts to the idea.
I've told you before, he hasn't been a parent, and so there's a veyr good chance that he's going to love being a dad. Just like with your ex and your son - you see how fast things change when the baby is here. I wish I could promise he'll stay, but I can't. I guess it all just depends on what is more important (a) keeping him while facing some emotional issues/regret from an abortion and maybe even losing him in the end or (b) having the baby and not facing those regret issues while possibly losing him. Talk about a rock and a hard place. Thinking long-term and knowing how you feel about abortion and this pregnancy, I'm thinking you need to take care of yourself at this time.
(((((Hugs)))))) Update when you can, okay?
Vicki - how are you hon? This is a good time for an update. Smile
Yoohoo? Are you still there Vicki. I'd love to know what you decided and how you are doing hon.
Hi. I've been so busy that I really haven't had the chance to update, but here's the scoop:
On the upside, my divorce went through and it's finally over. My ex has been very nice to me. I still haven't told him about the pregnancy - nor have I told my kids - because they all blame my boyfriend for my marriage breaking up - even though he's not the reason... but it's still hard. I am going to tell them when I absolutely have to.
I am proceeding with the pregnancy. So far, my boyfriend has been as supportive as he can be. He admits that my decision goes against his wishes, but I know he cares about me. I asked him one night if he is sticking with me because he thinks it's the right thing to do - and he said, No. I love you and it makes me want to do the right thing. Immature, confused, but a decent guy. I dunno. Sometimes I think I may be better off alone in the long run. He has seemed a bit distant lately, but I guess that's normal. I've tried not to talk about the pregnancy too much because I want him to adjust to it - not be bombarded with it - but I've given him updates when I go to the doctor. I'm over 35 and just had some genetic counseling. I showed him the ultrasound photos of the baby sucking it's thumb and he was pretty amazed. I made him copies of the pictures, which he took. He either calls or stops to see me every day, so I know I'm in his thoughts. I guess that's all I can ask for. I still have never met his family or friends - and we've been together almost a year - so that bothers me. He's too honest sometimes and didn't want to tell his mother that I was still married and had kids and stuff - like she would judge me before she knows me. He finally told her about me a couple weeks ago, but my divorce has been final for about a week now. I'm 14 weeks pregnant. Don't you think he should at least introduce me to his family? It's very weird. Well, I'll give him another week. If nothing changes by then I'm just going to tell him how I feel. I'd rather put my cards on the table and risk being alone then to hang onto a relationship that isn't doing anything for me. The man is 30 years old, lives with his parents, plays playstation for hours with his 35 year old brother that also lives with the parents, goes to his friends houses almost every night to get stoned and watch tv. He does things with his friends - who by the way do include their wives and girlfriends - and chooses to leave me at home when he does this. He came over to see me for an hour after work last night then announces that he has to leave because he promised a friend he would hang out with him. O-K. Do you think I'm asking for too much by wanting to spend more time with him now before the baby is here - and by wanting to meet the other important people in his life? Or should I leave well enough alone and just be thankful that he gives a crap at all? I asked why he just doesn't relax - why does he always feel he has to be doing something or hanging out with different people every night. He said his mother asked him the same thing. He said when he sits and does nothing that he gets depressed and then realizes that it's just because he's not doing anything. I don't know if that makes much sense to me. Maybe it's a guy thing that I just don't get. I just wish he would want to spend more time with me then with his friends. Oh well. Maybe it's just not meant to be.
Oh - and I just got fired from my job the other day for taking too much time off and coming in late. Hello? Ever hear of morning sickness??? I used vacation days for my divorce court dates and hours long doctors visits. My boss knew I was pregnant. I think it was just an excuse. That and the fact that my new assistant - who I trained to do my job - makes half as much money as I do.
Too many changes all at once. Any advice on how to deal with it? How would I find a local support group? Maybe through church or pregnancy center? Does anyone know of online listings of support groups for those proceeding with an unplanned pregnancy and the myriad of other issues that goes along with it? I'd appreciate it.
All in all, I am just trying to keep a positive attitude. My friends have been great. My family doesn't know about the pregnancy yet but have supported me through the divorce, and my kids have been a lot of fun to hang out with. I can't say that my life totally sucks, but it could be better. I hope it's just the hormones playing with me and that I'll feel better about things in the 2nd trimester.
Wish me luck with my job interviews next week! Good thing I'm not showing yet!
Thanks for all your help and for letting me vent about my immature boyfriend.
Vicki
PS: So far, baby looks to be healthy. I have an amnio schedule for next month. Will decide if I want to keep the appointment after I get the first trimester screen results back today or Monday. (Crosses fingers).
Next time I post will be on the pregnancy board. Just wanted to thank everyone that took the time to respond to my posts. It was very helpful in the decision to continue with my pregnancy.
Thank you all!
Hi Vicki Smile
Thanks for the update here! It sounds like you're taking all the right steps with your boyfriend. I often advise women not to bombard them with too much pregnancy information. I guess it's up to you how to deal with him. If it's too irritating that he is not more supportive now and you don't mind being alone with this baby, then you have the right to tell him you don't want to be with him. If you can stick with it though, chances are he still doesn't know what the reality of fatherhood is. He's out goofing off becuase he hasn't felt compelled to change yet...he doesn't get it. My DH did the same thing when I was pregnant.
I think it's a pretty common thing for women to want to be #1 in their guy's life while he thinks his friends are more important. That's a big part of growing up and maturing, which it doesn't sound like he's had to do yet.
I think it'd be okay to ask him if he plans on introducing you to his family over the holidays...or maybe ask him to invite his friends over for something. If he reacts as if you're drilling nails into his head, back off, but maybe he just doens't understand. I'm sure the time will come where you'll have to be introduced if you're going to be with him. I know that doesn't make it easy though.
You can fill out the form here: http://www.choicetolivewith.com/statelinks.html#anchor_70 and with it, we will email you a list of local pregnancy centers. Your pregnancy centers will have lists of support groups, and they might even have one themselves. If you belong to a church, definitely ask if there is a MOPS group or the equivalent.
Good luck with the job hunt!! I'll say a prayer that you find the perfect position easily. Smile
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