I am 35 and still deciding. I live w/my bf but I don't know if he's the one I want to live with forever. He's a real sweetheart and I know that I care about him but I'm just not sure there are enough sparks for this to work. And I don't want to stay w/him just for the baby. I don't know. I actually played w/fire the night I got pregnant cuz in the back of my mind I thought it would help me decide to marry him. He'd asked a long time ago and I originally told him to wait and later said yes then later said maybe we should live together first. Well, getting pregnant had the opposite affect of what I was going for. It just made me more scared and unsure. We had a fight and almost broke up but I told him to stay and he did. But I still have my doubts. He's good looking but sometimes I'm just not attracted to him and for me that's a problem if you wanna have an intimate relationship. Probably if he were a real asshole I'd love him to pieces but he's actually the most decent guy I know.
I'm a little over 9 weeks along. I don't know what to do. Part of me says just have an abortion and move on w/your life and the Catholic part of me doesn't like that idea - though I always thought I was pro-choice for other people. I just NEVER thought that would even be a question in my life. I was always so careful. And now I stupidly went and got pregnant thinking that would be a solution to all my problems. Well, it hasn't made me want to get married anymore than before and it makes me sad cuz it was supposed to be a beautiful, happy thing. I haven't told too many people cuz in the beginning I had really bad cramps. I thought for sure I would miscarry. Now, I feel horrible for saying this, but I have prayed for a miscarriage so that it wouldn't be my fault and I could make decisions about my life w/out involving other people to do it for me. Ya know? I just feel like an idiot. And all my mom keeps asking is when am I getting married. I told her yesterday that marriage was not in the forefront of my mind right now though she doesn't know I'm considering abortion. I would just tell her I miscarried. I feel like such a bitch. I don't wanna deprive my bf of this experience but I want to be sure of my relationship before going ahead. And I know if I abort, I could not stay w/him cuz I'd feel guilty every time I looked at his face. I also have panic disorder so that is not helping. I wake up panicking and I'm depressed. I had to get off meds when I found out about the baby and I take prenatal vitamins so I think I'm in okay health. I just don't know what to do. Anyone out there would think I'm in the ideal situation but this is just not how I thought it would be.
I should also mention I have been married before and have no children and have never had an abortion or miscarriage in the past. I'll be 36 in a couple months. I'm American and live in Europe. My bf is European as was my ex. I have a low-income job though bf has a good salary. I don't want him to just be a sperm donor, ya know? I want to be happy about this but I can't seem to be happy. It's making me more and more anxious. That can't be good for the baby either - having all these stress hormones going through its system. I just can't seem to connect w/it either. I dunno... I had all these ideas of how wonderful it would all be and I feel like I've done a bad thing, as if I'm back in school and my mom is gonna be mad at me or something. It also feels like it's all a lie cuz I'm not happy about it when it should be a happy things. I have very small moments of happiness but they're few and far between. And the thing is I always thought I'd be a great mom cuz I really love my nieces. I just feel so lost.
- Lost
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Lost and confused
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Does anyone know how long it takes to get the results from that "Will I suffer from PASS" test on the site? I dunno. The clock is ticking for this if I want to have an abortion. On the American Pregnancy board I have a little ticker at the bottom that says how far along I am and what the baby can do now. I feel really bad cuz it's not just a clump of dividing cells. It can already swallow. I almost wish I didn't know that. I dunno. I burst into tears on the street the other day seeing a woman w/a baby. I feel bad for ever even consdering such a thing but here I am. I'd better go. It's 7:30pm here and I've gotta get home. Hope I haven't just been ranting.
Hi Lost,
I did your PASS assessment real quick. FYI everyone - they usually get mailed out at night when I can sit and send things out. Wink I'll be replying more in depth to your post tonight, but I wanted to let you know that the assessment was done and in your inbox. Smile ((((Hugs))))) hon.
Hi Lost - Welcome to the board!
Pregnancy can do a lot of things to your emotions, and it sounds like all the things you're feeling are normal. When I was unexpectedly pregnant I, too, sometimes hoped for a miscarriage. But even when a pregnancy is planned it's normal to have cold feet. I agree with Rose that it's possible that after the baby is born your feelings for your bf could change for the better. Seeing the child that the two of you created and seeing how he interacts with the child can make a huge difference in how you see him. It does sound like he's a good guy. You don't find too many of those around these days! Wink
Take your time in making a decision. Don't rush into anything. Have you talked to your bf about your fears? We're here to talk things through with you, too, so use us as much as you need to. We'll do what we can to help!
(((HUGS))),
Chris
Hello Lost
Warning, I'm a typer so if I drag on, I apologize now Smile Wow, first smile I've been able to get out this week. I'm not sure I'm the one to give any advice at this time but listen to these women, they really helped me. Just having someone to talk to does a world of wonder - especially when they dont know who you are. Vent all you can.
When I was pregnant with my son, he was planned, I was terrified. I didn't think I'd have enough love in my heart for him. I was alone with him the first 5 months (far away from my family) and it was hard. I broke down several times. I couldn't even watch a cartoon without crying. As time went on and we both got into a routine, times got a little easier. 6 years later I see how easy it really was and it was only my fear of failure that made it hard.
I saw that you read my posting. I hope you were able to take something from it. Even if it was the courage to post. Like the others said, you have time. Don't feel like you have to make a decision today. I finally realized that I didn't need a father around to help me with a baby. I knew I could do it alone. I just needed the reassurance that I could. And when I say alone, I mean, think if everyone you know went away and it was only you. No one to give you a break when you needed it. No one to share in the smiles and giggles. The good and the bad. After I considered it all, the bad didn't seem so bad after all. Even if you decide that being with the father is not what you want, that doesn't mean he won't still be a father and that you can't continue on with life. Everyone seems to think children are so restricting. I have found they give you more to strive for. When you have someone else to think of besides yourself, it really makes decisions easier. Don't beat yourself up about this. It is what it is. Take a few deep breaths, lock the doors and turn off the phone. Take the time you need to do what is in your heart because your mind can play tricks on you.
Good Luck hon. Someone will always be here to listen.
Hi again. Smile I'm glad that you reposted, and I hope you find the comfort and support here that you need. The other ladies gave you some great advice.
I'm wondering what your BF is telling you? Does he want the baby? Is he unsure? Does he want you to have an abortion? That can have a big impact on the way you are thinking about things.
Don't feel bad about wanting a miscarriage. A lot of women feel that way...(if I had a nickel...). It doesn't mean that you hate your child. It just means that you feel that this decision is too big and overwhelming, and you'd rather have it taken out of your hands and away.
It sounds like most of you does not want to have an abortion. There's something telling you that you would not be okay. So, it must mainly have to do with your relationship. If things were wonderful between the 2 of you, would you be considering abortion? Proabably not. So, your decision primarily rests with (1) do you want to stay with him and (2) do you feel comfortable raising a child without him if you decide you do not want to be with him.
You can be on antidepressants while you are pregnant. Talk to your doctor asap to see about some safe ones. Pregnancy has a tendancy to make depression and anxiety worse, and there's no reason to suffer when you don't need to.
All these emotions also don't mean that you're going to be a bad mom. I can't tell you how cold my feet were when I was pregnant, and this was a wanted baby. I thought I was going to be horrible. It took years to get pregnant. Anyway, any huge change has the potential to scare the pants off of you, and that's part of what is going on. Talk through those fears here and elsewhere. Get the stories from other women about how they responded to motherhood.
Big big (((((hugs))))) dear. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers. Please update soon.
Thanks everyone. My bf is very supportive. We started dating over a year ago. I did feel he wanted to rush into things. He was so happy to be in love. I was in love too but then started getting scared and put the breaks on. I hate commitment. Confused Anyway, I tried to analyze it all. I think I love him but it feels more like a friendly kind of love than a passionate love and that really bothers me cuz I want to really want him. I guess years of being w/a bad boy has ruined me for the good guys. Rolling Eyes We decided to live together and then I got even more freaked out and took a trip to the U.S. to think things over though I don't know that things became clearer. I'm good at lobbying for both sides of the should I/shouldn't I coin. I'm terribly indecisive.
So there was this one night in July when I felt things were going better and decided to take a risk and not use bc. That was not the smartest decision. I thought for sure if I was pregnant I'd want to be married and it would bring us even closer and maybe even take some of the pressure of me cuz we'd be focussing on a baby. Plus he'd expressed interest in having a baby and not waiting until we were 40 to do so. So we were both excited when we found out. And I thought things were better and then I started having second thoughts and thinking no I don't want to do this. I became even more and more unsure of our relationship and even have been trying to avoid him at times cuz I feel guilty for feeling this way after everything he's done for me. He's most women's dream guy. I know there is love there it's just hard for me to imagine us keeping on this way. Like I'll have sex with him to tide him over for a while but I really have to get myself in the mood and that was really never a problem for me in the past and not in the beginning of our relationship either but it's been that way for more of the relationship than not. That is one of my main concerns cuz I don't know if it's gonna get any better and my therapist isn't much help in that arena. Anxious
Anyway, we did have a fight last week where he threatened to leave cuz he felt he'd done everything and I didn't appreciate him. He's an extrovert and I'm an introvert so on one hand we're not compatible and on the other you could say opposites attract. Anyway, concerning the baby I asked him if he wanted me to have an abortion and he got offended but later on said that if we broke up it would probably be the best solution as he didn't think the quality of life would be that great for the kid if I raised it alone. Then he suggested adoption as a second option. Then I ended up talking him into staying and so in his mind things are just fine but I'm still worrying and have been worrying about this for months now. I wonder if it's just him or would I be this way w/any man at this point - w/my panic disorder and constant doubting. Cuz before I had him to focus on it was, "Should I stay in France or move back home?" And then I was wondering if I was good enough to make it in the music biz. I can really obsess about this but I feel like love should feel natural and in some ways it does or at least it did for a long time but I've poisoned it w/my fear and don't know if I can ever get back to what we had. I wouldn't want to take off to the U.S. w/our kid cuz I know that would break his heart cuz he's so sensitive and he doesn't deserve that. What would be harder on everyone? Me breaking his heart and raising a kid on my own w/no skills, no college degree? Or having an abortion and feeling bad about it for a while but then moving on. I know it would always hurt but I just don't want to be the evil bitch in the story. And I don't want my kid wondering why I took him away from his daddy. I don't even know what I want.
Sorry to be so long winded. I just don't know what to do. I'm afraid taking antidepressants would cause problems in the baby. Plus the stuff I was on before may have already done damage. There's an increased risk of spina bifida and cleft palate w/Klonopin plus I was taking a new anti-depressant called Stablon that they don't even know how it affects the unborn. I do know that in the beginning my cramps were so bad I wondered if the baby had a problem and my body was trying to expel it. I couldn't handle having a baby w/major problems or deformities. A cleft palate wouldn't be the end of the world but if it had to live in a wheelchair or had all these special needs, I don't think I could do it.
Maybe it would bring us closer but so far Idon't think it has and I'm afraid to wait and find out, ya know. Cuz if it doesn't then I'm stuck and so is everyone else. Anxious
Forgot to mention that it would be really hard to get insurance in the States. I am covered here but if I did decide I needed the support of friends and family in the U.S. then I think it would cost an arm and a leg. I don't think I could afford it on my own. Plus someone metioned how it cost her 400 bux a month in child care. I was all, "400 bux!" That almost my rent here. Well, it's a little more than that but still... Anyway, that's another concern.
Hi hon,
At the risk of sounding like an insensitive man (LOL - apologies to any sensitive men who may be reading this), a lot of this could be those goofy pregnancy hormones. If you had been feeling that things were better, got pregnant, were happy and excited about it, and then things started to deteriorate (especially after going off your meds for anxiety/depression), I'd bet that is a large part of it. What do you think?
Antidepressants do not impact the baby. Please talk to your doctor about the safe meds hon. There's no reason to suffer, and having that back in your body may make this decision easier. You can get testing done if you are worried about defects, but you should be okay - statistically.
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Maybe it would bring us closer but so far Idon't think it has and I'm afraid to wait and find out
Heck no - pregnancy doesn't usually bring people together! LOL. i know that's the way it's portrayed in movies, etc., and I'm sure you've got some wonderful friend who had a saint for a husband while she was pregnant. Rolling Eyes Reality is that men and women tend to drive eachother insane through pregnancy. The good stuff doesn't often happen until baby is born, and you start realizing that you're a family.
Insurance, moving, and childcare...well, let's cross that bridge in a bit. Those things can be worked out, trust me. There are organizations that help, and maybe you wouldn't need to move back. Perhaps you could deliver the baby there, see how things go, and then move back home if you are still feeling the same.
((((Hugs))))) I know this is hard hon, but I just don't want you to do something that you're going to regret because of cold feet. Keep thinking...keep talking it out here...ramble as much as possible. We're here to listen and help. Smile
Thanks. I'm leaning more towards having the baby now. I talked to a friend last night who's older and wiser and who has known me since moving to France and she said, "Well, this is what you've always wanted." I guess it sort of hit me then. Though I did want things to be happier. But she said having a baby will change my perspective on lots of things and to not listen to the hormones and take Prozac if I need to. Thaks for your help. Also I have a high percent risk of developing PASS and I know I'd feel crappy about that. I am feeling better today.
I'm so glad you're feeling better about things. Sometimes it helps to have a friend that can be totally honest. I know I have a friend who helps me get perspective on things a lot. Your friend is right, that if this is what you've always wanted you should go for it. She's also right that a baby does change your perspective on everything. You can take an antidepressant while pregnant, if needed. Your doctor can prescribe the right thing for you.
I wish you the best. Keep posting and let us know how you're doing.
Hi hon. I'm glad your friend was able to remind you that this is what you've always wanted. Aren't friends great?
I agree on the perspective issues - a baby does make everything change. I mentioned the hormones being wacky and that some meds would help. So, it sounds like I agree 100% with your friend. Wink
How are you feeling now? Have you told your boyfriend you're leaning this way? ((((Hugs))))
Well, my bf didn't really know I was considering this except when we had this big discussion about a week ago when I thought he was gonna leave and he was saying to either abort or give it up for adoption. Then I confessed I had thought about it which seemed to make him angry cuz I guess he wanted me to say that I really loved him and it was out of the question. But I just kept thinking I couldn't do this and that it wasn't the way I wanted to bring a child into the world. I wanted to be sure of the relationship first. But I guess life doesn't always do things according to plan.
Yea, things definitely don't always go according to plans. Razz I always say that even though things may not be ideal, they can still work, and you can still be completely happy.
Will you keep up updated? Let us know if you have any other concerns or if new things develop. If you do have the baby - let us know how you like it. Very Happy
How are you doing Lost? I'm anxious to hear how things are going for you and what you decided - if you have decided yet. Smile Please update!
Boyfriend and I had another break up last night. This time he took his clothes and is staying at a friend's. He thinks it's best for me to abort if we aren't gonna be together. He says it's in the child's best interest and it's not fair to have a baby by myself cuz it's hard enough to raise a baby w/2 parents but by oneself it'd be really hard. He wasn't mean about it. Just trying to be realistic. Still, now I'm in the 12th week so it's gotta be this week if I do it. I'm even starting to show a little. I don't know how I'd do it alone and I know it wouldn't be fair on him cuz he really did wanna have kids w/me but not like this. He said he wanted a wife first. He doesn't want a baby by itself. And I haven't been the best girlfriend. I'm so indecisive and full of fear and depression that I'm surprised he hadn't left months ago.
I don't know what I want. On one hand I have been reading books and even bought a pair of maternity pants on Saturday (mostly at my bf's insistence) and on the other hand I had been praying for a miscarriage cuz I just felt our relationship wasn't ready for this and didn't want to be stuck and to have this child and one day have to do it on my own if things didn't work out. So my mind is telling me two different things. Maybe I'm not ready for the baby but just don't want the guilt of it being my decision. I dunno... It seems like I just don't know how to be happy or won't allow myself to be. And another part of me is thinking, "Hey, you played w/fire so deal w/the consequences." I don't want to look at it that way. It should be a good thing and instead it's scaring the crap outta me.
Hi again Lost. I'm glad you came back to give us this update, but I'm sorry to hear that things haven't gotten any easier for you. You sound so very torn. Let me see if I can understand.
- You have been getting excited about the pregnancy (buying books and clothes) and you stated before that it was what you wanted.
- But at the same time, you'd rather that this never happened (which isn't the same as wanting to end it now that it has happened).
Forgive me if I already asked, but do you have anyone who is close to you who is supporting you? I think you mentioned you had a friend who was encouraging you. Is there anyone else - parents, siblings, friends, etc? It strikes me that the main reason that you can't get excited and be happy is because someone doesn't want you to be happy about this. Put it this way, if your boyfriend was excited and gushing happiness about this, what would you be feeling? Would you still be unsure? Or would you be excited as well? See how much we feed off of those around us? Sure, you have valid concerns about parenting (what pregnant woman doesn't?), but if you were allowed to, it sounds like you would be somewhat happy and excited...it's what you want to be able to feel. The negative attitude of your beloved boyfriend is not letting you get there though. Neutral
What was this break up about? Do you think this could be another ploy to try to get you to have an abortion? If you have one, will he come back (and will you want him back)? Or is he pretty much making you choose between the baby and him? I will admit that single parenthood is hard. But I know a lot of single moms that wouldn't have changed a thing. I'm wondering how your support system is in case you do decide to parent at this point. Do you have friends/family who could come visit with the baby a couple of times a week while you catch a nap if you need to?
How do you imagine yourself feeling if you have an abortion at 12 or 13 weeks? I get the feeling that the thought troubles you. Would you like to talk about how you see yourself feeling?
The statements from him about wanting a wife first... :::: sigh::::: doh2 If that was really what this was about, he'd be wisking you off to marry him now. I hate to say it, but I really feel that he is being slightly manipulative just to get you to do what he wants you to do, and it's working...you're feeling guilty about being the kind of girlfriend you've been. Hon, you have every right to be indecisive and emotional about this.
Please keep talking this out here hon. That's what we're here for. Do you have any questions about prenatal development or abortion procedures at this stage that we can help answer? ((((Hugs)))) Hang in there sweetie. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
I agree with Rose. It sounds like if it weren't for your bf, you'd be happy about the baby. He shouldn't be allowed to push you around like this. Maybe now that you're broken up it's a good time to decide what you want. Yes, you could be facing single parenthood, and that's a scary thing....trust me, I've been there. But at the same time, you don't have to worry about someone else dragging you down. You can enjoy the fun parts of being a mom without him telling you how much he hates it. Being a mom is enjoyable - you're allowed to like it. Smile
Keep us posted, we'll give you all the support you need whatever decision you make.
(((HUGS))),
Chris
Hi,
I guess I should clarify that he was really happy about the baby before I brought up all my fears about our relationship this weekend (which started the falling out). It was nice to see him happy about it. I think I'm the one who doesn't allow myself to be happy. He's really a nice guy. He asked me to marry him several times. I'm the one holding back and now he says he's tired of hearing my constant fears and how I don't seem excited about anything, including the baby and the new apartment. I'm always so distant. So as he's exasperated he doesn't see any other choice cuz he doesn't want to have a baby and not the wife that goes with it. He says he wants a wife first then a family and I haven't really been there for him and I've had NO libido for the longest time. So we don't even have the physical intimacy to keep us afloat. I know sex is not everything but I do think it's important. I told him this weekend that I was afraid it wouldn't get any better. I was just airing my fears but I guess if you air them enough people get tired of hearing about it, especially after several months. And he took it very personally. So maybe it was bad timing on my part but maybe it's best to find out now, while there is still time. I really don't like the idea of abortion, especially this late. I also don't like the idea of being a single mom and having to run home to the U.S. so I'd have some support. I could not stay w/my bf after an abortion. I wonder if I'm the first woman who actually has a guy who wants her and is freaked out about that.
I've gotta run. Have an AA meeting. Thanks for your help. I might go to Family Planning and see a couselor. I have an ultrasound tomorrow which they say you have to have anyway for the abortion (if I choose that route.)
Well, chalk my response up to not rereading the prior posts then. Anxious LOL
Okay...so the situation is that he wanted the baby and wanted to marry you, but you aren't sure that's what you want. So he gave up and left, and now you don't know what to do.
What happend to the thought that this is what you always wanted - I remember that was what sealed it in your mind before that you were going to have this baby. What things did you bring up that you're concerned about with the relationship? It's pretty normal to go through an adjustment period when you're pregnant. Maybe he needs a gentle reminder that pregnancy can really take a toll on a woman's judgment and emotions. I'd have to tell my husband to walk away if I was feeling particularly anxious about something. Razz
It's normal to have cold feet, and if I remember correctly, you have some anxiety/depression issues, and that can turn cold feet to ice. Do you have a gut feeling about what you want to do? Is your boyfriend saying that if you will decide to parent he'll come back? Or is he through forever? I'd think that if he was willing and happy to parent before, he probably will be if you decide to do that. He might just be trying to distance himself so that his feelings aren't hurt over an abortion at this point.
Have you ever felt that you don't deserve a "nice" guy? I know that some women sabotage their own efforts to find a good, stable relationship. If this could be you, think really hard about why you would want to do this to yourself. The decisions that you are making today could be the result of earlier issues that haven't been resolved, and I'd hate to see you bury yourself further by doing something that you think might harm you emotionally.
(((((Hugs))))) I'll be thinking of you tomorrow during the ultrasound.
Hi Lost...how are things?
Decided to keep the baby, again. I'm still not easy with my relationship. He made efforts to come back and work things out. I just feel panicky and guilty and obsess about everything constantly. It helps to see my therapist but then a day or two later I start feeling crappy again. Yes, I'm sure I think I don't deserve a nice guy. And the fact that I have no libido isn't helping cuz it makes me think maybe he's not the one. And I know he's suffering, too. Anyway, I hope that the poor child doesn't pick up on all this, though from everything I read it probably will. I know I need to work on my self-esteem. Hopefully I can stop obsessing long enough to appreciate what is in front of me. Thanks for all your help.
Neutral
Good to hear back from you! Hopefully things haven't taken another turn for you, but it sounds like things are still quite up in the air. Don't worry about the baby picking up on anything. If that was the case, my daughter would've been born depressed...lol. Between the morning sickness, preeclampsia, bedrest, and other health concerns...I had it rough and was miserable too. Evie was born happy and still is thank goodness.
Pregnancy is a hard time to get happy about things that were difficult before the pregnancy. The hormones take a toll. ((((Hugs))))) Let us know how you're doing, okay?
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