I'm a 17 year old student from Toronto and just found out that I'm pregnant. I'm so confused and lost. I don't know if I want this baby. I mean I love kids...but I think that it might just be too hard to love this innocent life. I was at a party in the beginning of August and I only remember having half a beer and then I put it down and picked it up a second later...then the room started spinning and I thought that it was because I hadn't eaten anything in a while. So I went to lay down and the next thing I know there's this stranger on top of me and he was raping me...I don't remember much else...it's all really fuzzy...and now I'm pregnant and don't know what to do. I'm so scared! I haven't told my parents or any of my friends and I...I don't know what to do. I feel like this is all just a bad dream...but I can't wake up. I think I need some advice...
- Kaitlin2541
Monday, October 3, 2005
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29 comments:
I would go to the police with this, if you haven't already. Especially if someone at the party knows who this guy was.
Hi Kaitlin (((((Hugs)))))) Oh I am so sorry to hear that you were raped. And now here you are having to deal with being pregnant on top of that. Are you in counseling for the rape? Do you know the person who did it - I mean...do you see him around? How do you feel about it? I would go to the police about it too, but you need some help as well.
So you're probably about 6 weeks along now. How do you feel about abortion - and how have you felt in the past? Many people assume that when a rape occurs, an abortion should be the only option, but the decision and its effects will still occur in the same way if you had previously been against abortion for yourself. So, my first question is to find out what you feel about abortion. It sounds like you're considering giving birth, which leads me to believe that you might have never thought you'd consider abortion for yourself.
Have you considered adoption? This way you could still give birth but wouldn't have to try to love the baby up close.
Don't stress about telling your people just yet. Let's talk it out here and get an idea of what your thoughts are. It might also help to fill out the workbook on the site to get an idea of what you should be thinking of: http://www.choicetolivewith.com/decisionmakingworkbookintro.html
((((Hugs))))) Hang in there hon. We're going to help you through this. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
Hi Kaitlin,
(((HUGS))) I'm so sorry for what you've been through and what you're having to deal with as a result. Rose gave you some good advice about figuring out your feelings.
Is there a pregnancy center in your area where you could go to talk to someone about what you're dealing with? They would probably have a counselor on site to help you work through this. If you'd like help finding one there's a form you can fill out in the Find Assistance section of the website. Then one of us will do the work for you and find a place that could be helpful.
Again, I'm so sorry, hon. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
(((HUGS))),
Chris
I have thought about abortion...but I've always been personally against it. I don't have a problem with other people that do choose to have it, but it's not for me. Thank you so much for all of your care and support! It really means the world to me! Thanks for being there for me in my time of need. I'm thinking of doing some research on adoption and what the choices for me are...I'm just scared about the future of this little thing that's inside me. What can I do? I'm barely eating and I'm not sleeping...I'm trying to keep my head above keep my head above the proverbial water at school with my four courses...I scared. And I'm NEVER the one to be scared and I'm so angry...I don't know what to do! Any suggestions?
I've already gone to the police...but no one seems to know who this guy is. He came to the party as a "friend of a friend", but no one knows who he is and my description is really bad because I was in and out of it...thanks for the suggestion though...
Hi hon. I'm glad you went to the police. Try to keep thinking about the little details. They caught my rapist because I remember the little logo on his shirt, and they traced that to his school. Do your parents know that you were raped? Or did you go to the police on your own?
The baby will get the nutrition it needs whether or not you eat. Many women have such bad morning sickness that they eat very little. The baby still makes it just fine though. Do try to eat to take care of yourself...even if it's just crackers and peanut butter, fruit, cereal, etc. Ditto for sleep...it's nice for you to have, but it won't affect the baby's health.
Let me know if you have any questions about adoption, but the link I give you will help you learn about the different options.
((((Hugs))))) Keep talking. Smile
I am so sorry to hear of your awful experience! I have been there too sweetie...not in exactly the same way but similar. I encourage you to research open adoption. You can read more about it on my site (I am a birthmom) www.openarms.homestead.com and if you need any more info, I am sure the girls on the board will be more than happy to help in any way we can! Keep your chin up sweetie, and remember, in no way was being raped your fault. I also want to applaud you for thinking through this and not just automatically aborting because of the rape...better to think through than make a knee jerk reaction! Abortion can often be painful physically and emotionally and adding that pain onto your rape experience would be a lot to handle...by giving birth and making an adoption plan, you give yourself time to think, heal and process all these really hard emotions...if when you give birth you feel more like you want to parent, you can always choose that too. (I have also had an abortion.) Do keep in touch! (((((Hugs))))))
I would like to consider adoption...but I don't know that if I choose adoption and a family and then see my baby...what if I want to keep him/her? I couldn't deal with the heartbreak of having to give up my baby if I had a sudden change of mind at the birth. And I couldn't break the hearts of the possible family if I changed my mind! There are so many options and so little time! I used to think that nine months was so much time...but now almost two months has gone by and I only have seven more months to decide what to do with this little life! It all seems so...sudden and rushed! Thanks Rose for letting me know that the baby will still get the nutrition it needs even if I don't eat much. It was such a relief! I was trying to make myself eat, but I wouldn't be able to keep it down. Thanks for responding Christine! I'm going to check out your website when I get home (since the one I'm on won't let me go to it). Thank you all so much for responding to my questions and for listening to me babble on. I really do appreciate it since I have no one else to talk to about this! And no, my parents don't know that I was raped. I couldn't bring myself to tell them because my Dad is sick and I think that it would be too much for him...thanks again.
That's a very valid concern, and certainly it's one that many have as they consider adoption. I would think one way to do that is to not choose anyone until the baby is born. If you contact an adoption agency and tell them that you aren't sure that you're going to be sure until the baby is born, they will give you the space you need. You can look at the family profiles they have for you now, make a few decisions now (pets or no pets, siblings or no siblings, etc), and then decide on one or two families that you really like. Tell your agency you're going to wait until the birth to choose.
That way there's no extra pressure on you, and no adoptive families will be too disappointed.
If you are going to be having this baby, the first step is probably going to need to be to go to a doctor for some prenatal vitamins and a checkup to make sure everything is looking good. Do you have a doctor that you could call on your own for this?
I think Rose is right. Talk to your adoption agency, pick out some families with the knowledge that you won't be sure until the birth. She's also right about getting to a doctor to make sure everything's okay. You sound like such a smart, mature person. You're handling this very well.
Keep your chin up. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
(((HUGS))),
Chris
I finally got up the courage and told my mom about what happened. It was one of the hardest things to do and we cried a lot together...so she took me to the doctor and he said that everything was fine with me and wanted an ultrasound right away because I've been having some stomach pains...I hope that everything is okay with my baby! But guess what? My mom helped me to make the decision to keep the baby!! I'm so excited now!! I'm taking the vitamins and am finally eating a bit more and am starting to sleep better...I think that the whole sleep piece was just related to stress...I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders!! I'm going to be going for my ultrasound tonight so please keep my baby and I in your thoughts. Thanks so much for all of the care and support. Without these comments/suggestions I don't think I would have been able to tell my mom for a lot longer. Thanks so much!!
Congratulations! I'm sure it does feel like a huge burden has been lifted. Having told your mom, having her be supportive, making your decision - especially when it's one you'll be happy with - Wow! I'm so happy for you! Your mom is a wonderful lady - give her hugs from me, too! I am just thrilled that things are working out so nicely for you! Keep in touch, though, okay? Let us know how the ultrasound goes, and just how you're doing in general. We love to get updates!
(((HUGS))),
Chris
Hey that's great! I'm so glad she was supportive of you. Please let us know about the ultrasound. I'm sure things are fine. It's probably just your ligaments stretching...that can hurt.
((((((Hugs))))))) Congratulations!
Thanks for your support! The ultrasound technition said that everything looks pretty normal but that he could only tell a little bit seeing as I'm not too far a long. He said that it has a strong heartbeat and that it looks healthy. But what I'm wondering is if the date rape drug could have any side effects on the baby...do any of you have an idea? I'm a bit worried about that.
Rose will have to help you out on this one - I have no idea. Glad to hear everything looks good, though!
What a courageous decision sweetie! That takes a lot of guts! Remember that every child is a precious blessing regardless of the way he or she may have been concieved. We will definitely do all we can to support you throughout your pregnancy and beyond! Congrats on your upcoming mommyhood! Times may be tough and there will be days that you want to pull out your hair but as all the mommies on this board can tell you, you will never regret parenting. LUV YA, Christine
Look at you wrrying already. Razz You're going to make a great mommy...lol. Wink
Any drugs or alcohol you take on the day you conceive will not affect the baby. The baby does not implant for a good 7 days after you have sex, so up until that point, the embryo has no connection to you and cannot be impacted by what you eat or drink.
I hope that this sets your mind at ease a little bit. Smile (((Hugs))))
Hi there!
my cousin rose was in a similar situation to you and decided also to keep the baby and i have never seen anyone love their child more!!! you should talk to her...she's 17 also.
I think you have made an incredibly brave and sensible decision. your child is such a blessing to you!
so CONGRATULATIONS!!!
I would love to talk to your cousin Rose. I think that might help me to put some doubts out of my mind. Neutral I would like to hear her story if she is willing to tell it to me. I think that would really help. My Mom and I have decided to tell my Dad. We both think it's the right time. But I'm so worried! He's not well...he's been sick for the past five years and I just hope that he can handle it! I just don't want him to be upset or disappointed with me. I know that that probably seems like a really stupid thing to say becasue I know that he's my father and that he'll love me and my baby without a second thought...but I think that deep down inside he's going to be disappointed in me. He won't say anything, but I just hope that I don't see that look in his eyes...wish me luck tonight. I'm sure I'll need all of the support I can get to help me get through tonight.
Kaitlin
Another question just came to mind. I play soccer twice a week, but should I stop playing now that I'm pregnant? I've been very careful not to over do it and I've avoided getting hit in the stomach with the ball...but I love playing! It makes me feel so alive and happy...but could the baby get hurt now? And if I can keep playing for now, when would I have to stop? When I start showing? Any thought/suggestions are definately welcome.
I'd ask your doctor about the soccer. I know that the more active you were beforehand, the more active you can be during the pregnancy. I know a girl who runs 5 miles a day up until the day her babies are born. Crazy to me, but I'm not that active! Wink I would be careful though and listen to what your doctor says. Soccer is more physical than running. There's a greater chance of you or the baby getting hurt.
Good luck with your dad tonight. I remember when I told my dad. Had to be the worst night of my life. Anyway, my thoughts are with you. Let us know how it goes.
(((HUGS))),
Chris
Hi there Kaitlin...when i was pregnant with my first set of twins, i was extremely active (3 times a week) up until about the 5th month when i had to slow things down. i'm sure your doctor will advise you but as long as the pregnancy isn't particularly high risk you should be fine.
my cousin rose's e-mail is Rose_souris07 at hotmail dot com, she says she'd love to hear from you (it's her little boys 1st birthday in 2 weeks!)
good luck!
Thanks so much! I don't have a lot of time right now, but I will write later. Just wanted to say thank you for all of your love and support! I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't found this site... Very Happy
My whole world is falling apart right now! My Dad is really sick and they’re going to have to put him into the hospital. I’m so afraid for him!! I’ve only ever seen him like this once before and…I’m just so upset! I don’t know what to do for him! He’s become almost catatonic over the past 5 days…it’s like he’s giving up on himself. I was talking to him last night and told him that everything was going to be alright, but he just looked at me and told me that he didn’t think that he was going to make it this time. I don’t know what to do! It’s just so hard to see him going through this! I mean, he’s my dad! He’s supposed to be the strong one that knows what to do and can make everything alright. I know that that sounds like something a two year old would say, but that’s what I feel like. I feel like the news of my rape/pregnancy send him into a tailspin…I feel so guilty! I know that all babies are blessings, but if something were ever happen to my Dad over the next few days/weeks/months I would feel like it’s my fault. I’m trying to be strong for him and put on a brave face, but the reality of it all is that I’m terrified! I’m so scared right now! I feel like something really bad is going to happen and I can’t stop it. It’s like watching a car accident. I know that I'm probably not making any sense right now, but I don't have anywhere else to turn to...
Just remember that sometimes stuff just happens and there isn't anything we can do but pray and trust...Some things we don't really understand and probably never will. No matter what happens, it won't have been your fault or the baby's...I know it can be hard to see someone you love going through something so hard like an illness. Keep your head up sweetie. The darkest hour is always just before dawn.
(((HUGS))) It is so hard to watch someone you love go through this stage. Especially your dad, because, you're right - he's the one who's supposed to always be there, be strong and make things better. I felt the same way when my dad was sick. I still feel that way sometimes....like I've been cheated out having that person I can always turn to. My dad had lung cancer and passed away about 6 years ago. The one thing I hold on to is that, if I hadn't had an unplanned pregnancy when I did, my dad wouldn't have ever known any of his grandkids. When he was sick she was the light of his life. He looked forward to our visit every day. Towards the end she was the only one who could make him smile. I wasn't very close to my dad, it sounds like that's not the case with you, but it was her who brought my dad and I closer again before he died. It was hard to understand at the time, but I know now that God gave me Jenna in just enough time for my relationship with my dad to mend before it was too late. It's hard to see now, I know, but everything happens for a reason. I hope that even through this, you and your dad are able to stay close and maybe even have some special time with him now.
What happens to him is not your fault. Just make sure that you are taking good care of yourself and your baby. Too much stress can be hard on both of you, so make sure you're eating well and getting plenty of rest. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. It's so hard. Keep us posted. Let us know how you and he are doing. We're here for you, hon.
(((HUGS))),
Chris
Awww...(((((Hugs))))) hon. I'm so sorry! How is he doing today? Is this a diagnosis you can share with us? You don't sound at all like a 2 year old. I felt the same way when my dad passed away when I was 25. This is not your fault though hon. You didn't ask to be raped, and you didn't ask to get pregnant did you? If your dad passes away this time, then it was his time to go. This is something that you just aren't in control of or responsible for. I know that is hard to understand when you're in the midst of it though.
Give us an update when you can. ((((((Hugs)))))))
Sorry I haven’t been able to write in such a long time…I’ve been so busy between my two jobs, soccer, full time school and going to the hospital whenever I can steal an hour or two…I think I should probably explain. My Dad has been dealing with depression, paranoia, auditory hallucinations and has been off work on disability for almost as long as I can remember. I went through a phase three years ago and then again two years ago when I had to be hospitalized because I was severely depressed, paranoid and suicidal. I tried to kill myself at least three times that I can remember…I had a really rough time adjusting to high school…I did the whole “Girl, Interrupted” thing…restrained to a bed for days at a time…constantly having security to come and strap me to my bed and then the nurses coming and sedating me…it was a really rough time, but thankfully, after two years I had found the perfect combination of medications and I haven’t been back to the psychiatric ward since November of 2003. My Dad wasn’t so lucky. They have been trying to adjust his meds for almost 10 years…sometimes he would be somewhat okay for a few weeks/months and then he would crash to the point where he wouldn’t be able to get out of bed for weeks…then he started drinking heavily, but I was very persistent and finally got through to him and he cut down substantially to only two to three beers a day (compared to the one case a day he was consuming)…but he went off his meds a little while ago and he’s gotten really bad…almost three times as fast as any other time he was off his meds. Then he told my Mom that no matter what happened he wanted her to know that he loved her and always would…then I gave him a hug and told him that everything would be okay…and he said “I want to believe it, I really do…but I don’t think I’m going to make it this time,” then he said that it would “all be over soon”. That’s when I got really scared and called my Mom at work and got her to take him to the hospital. So he’s been in there since Monday…I’m just so scared for him! I know how absolutely terrifying it can be to be in a place like that…I think that sometimes it would be easier if he were physically sick because then you would actually be able to see him getting the help he needs…the human mind is so vast and complex that they haven’t been able top consistently help him in over 10 years…I hurts me to see him hurt. It really does. I’m just feeling so lost without him…he hasn’t been my Dad in over 10 years. I haven’t even heard him laugh in 6 months to a year…it’s so hard…
Kaitlyn, I'm going to go ahead and close this thread so that you can continue on in the Pregnancy section since you've started a thread there too.
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