Hello everyone,
I will start with the beginning, to help you get an idea of where I'm coming from or what I'm thinking. I am 27 years old and I just found out I'm pregnant a few days ago. I currently live on my own away from my family (about 4 hours) and work 2 jobs.
When I was 18, I was diagnosed with endometriosis and told I may not have children. I had 2 surgeries (between 18 and 21 years old) and have been on all types of meds for it. Over the past 3 years, it hasn't been an issue.
The father is someone I dated for a short period of time and someone who will not be in my life, or involved in any way.
I grew up with my parents divorcing when I was 8. My father wasn't involved in my life at all after that and that has totally affected me and my beliefs today.
This all brings me to where I am today. I am not sure what decision to make, abortion or keeping the baby. Those around me that know support me either way and I will decide for myself what is right. I am leaning towards abortion for a lot of reasons. I am single, no father, high chance of complications, no where to live (if I kept it) when not working, no financial contribution from the father, I'm not feeling happy about being pregnant, and I've thought I'd never have my own children for the past 9 years. If I kept it, the father wouldn't and can't have any involvement or support, I'd be totally on my own, this situation doesn't feel entirely right. I'm at a 70%/30% split between these two. I've always felt that being a single parent for myself wasn't the right thing, and that a baby needs both of it's parents.
I really feel torn about this and really appreciate any help or comments anyone has.
-Aquariangirl2005
Friday, November 25, 2005
Any advice... anyone?
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Hi Aquarian Girl,
I'm so glad you found us here. Smile It sounds like you just found out that you are pregnant, so whatever you ultimately decide, I'd encourage you to give it a couple of weeks to think things through. A major surprise like this can really throw you for a loop, and sometimes things can settle within yourself if you give it the gift of time. Wink
I have endometriosis too, and I know how surprising it can be to wind up pregnant when you're told you may never be able to conceive.
It sounds like you are leaning toward having an abortion, and you listed the various things that are pulling you in that direction. What things are weighing on your heart and mind that are making it a difficult to be sure? There must be something that is telling you that either abortion isn't something you want or a baby might be something you do want. Let me know what that is.
Why won't you be able to collect child support from the father? Is he married? Child support is something that every child is due...no matter the circumstances, so I'm sure you can get it...whether or not you want to apply is another thing. bigwink
I look forward to hearing from you again hon. ((((Hugs))))
Hi there and a warm aloha from HI! Wow, what a shock to think one thing for so long then BAM pregnant! There are pros and cons to any big choice in life and like the PP said, give it some time there is no huge rush, especially if you just found out. Abortion could be a plus as it will release you from having to be a mom at this point in your life, as a con, what if you can never again concieve a wanted pregnancy? Abortion resolves the physical state of pregnancy but have you considered all the potential emotional reprecussions? Freedom of choice is a great thing, however not to be taken lightly. Picture yourself 5 or 10 yrs down the road. Do you see yourself completely fulfilled without ever having giving birth and raising a child? I have personally experienced an unplanned pregnancy that resulted in my almost 7 yr old angel Gabriel, one abortion, and placed my 2nd son for open adoption. This could also be an easily overlooked but completely viable option to look into. I agree with the PP that child support could easily be obtained and there is lots of help out there if you decided to pursue parenting. I wanted to also mention that sometimes no daddy is better than a rotten one. What kinds of complications has your doctor told you that you might have? Have you seen a doctor yet? Might be a good idea to get an ultrasound to confirm exact length of gestation and rule out a tubal pregnancy. All the reasons that you gave as pros for abortion could be resolved by various resources being tapped into, but what is most important is how you feel in your heart. If you could wave a magic wand and make your circumstances perfect, would you want this baby? Life circumstances will fluctuate from good to bad and back again so that is not a good basis on which to make your choice. Go with your gut and be fully informed about all possible side effects. Single parenting can be a drag sometimes, I won't lie. However, it has wonderful rewards also. Suddenly discovering that you are responsible for another potential life is scary and overwhelming sometimes. Get good councel from women who have gone both routes and see which one you end up feeling the most ok with. Here is a good place to do that Wink
Thanks for your advice... to answer good points you both brought up...
The question of what would make me want this baby over abortion, and why wouldn't I want an abortion... I was brought up in a very Christian based family where it isn't something anyone would do. I also have always wanted to be a mother and do question my future abilities. I am worried about actually going through with an abortion, as far as the procedure goes and how I'd feel afterward. I also wonder if I went through with the abortion, am I able to adopt down the road if I can't conceive? I've always thought I couldn't conceive, and told that pregnancy wouldn't be easy for me, with having endo. There is a very high likelyhood of miscarriage, ectipic pregnancy, or even not carring full term. Going through any sort of complication isn't something I can do on my own, without a partner. I have always wanted to be married without children, instead of having one and be completely by myself. I really don't want my child(ren) to grow up without their father, as I did.
Also, the father is someone I would not like to speak to again or have any involvement with. I am meeting with a lawyer to have some questions answered about not acknowledging who he is (if I keep the baby). He is not a person I wish to have at all in my life. This would mean that I would not be requesting any child support.
I haven't seen my Dr. yet. I will be seeing him on Wed. and will be asking him about my situation specifically. I will be taking a leave-of-absence from my job to give myself time to think about what I really want to do.
Do I sound like I'm on the right path? I can't stop thinking about this and really feel unsure at this point.
Aquariangirl2005
You seem to be thinking things through and that's a good thing. You're not going to have an abortion based on your reaction to a major shock. Like the other girls said, give yourself some time to let this sink in and do a lot of research on what your options are.
As far as child support, I did not list a father on my daughter's birth certificate because I didn't want him involved at all, either. I found out later that all you need to pursue child support is a paternity test, which you can later, if you should ever decide to do that. The same goes for him, though, if he should ever want to be part of the child's life, all he needs is a paternity test to request time with the child, etc.
If you were raised a Christian, what are your beliefs about abortion? Do you feel like that's something you could live with given what you've always been taught?
The other girls made good points. Single parenting is tough, but rewarding. You would be able to do it if you found some resources locally that could help you with some things. We can help you find those, too.
Let us know what your doctor says and how you're feeling about what he/she told you. You've found a good place to talk this out. Welcome!
(((HUGS))),
Chris
I was brought up much like you...a mom i could never quite identify with, a mostly absentee father(controlling workaholic) and Christian beliefs. I struggled with my abortion decision and had a lot of negative emotional reprecussions because of that. If in order to go through with the abortion you must compromise previously held beliefs, it could set you up for emotional distress afterward. The initial relief you feel after the abortion is often short lived...That was my experience anyway. When I fell pregnant again 2 yrs later, I researched open adoption and discovered to my suprise that I was strong enough to go through it and came out after it feeling some sadness, but none of the regret and remorse that came of the abortion. It is a scary thought and it takes guts to even look into it, let alone follow through. You didnt mention where you stood on adoption in your post, so I thought I would throw it out there again just in case....Not every woman suffers horribly after her abortion, but based on what you have told us thus far, I am concerned for you. Keep talking it out, and do consult with the dr. Keep posting and if you are interested, you can check out my whole story at www.openarms.homestead.com
Big hugs, Christine
Hello and welcome,
Glad that you found us here. I agree wholeheartedly with what Rose, Christine, and Chris have all said to you. I just have a few questions for you if you don't mind.
Quote:
I am 27 years old and I just found out I'm pregnant a few days ago. I currently live on my own away from my family
You are certainly old enough ( not like some of the 15 to 17 year olds out there that find themselves in the same situation ) to parent. How long have you lived on your own?
Quote:
I am single, no father, high chance of complications, no where to live (if I kept it)
A single parent is not the worst thing a child could have. Why complications? I have a friend who had severe endometreosis and she has had three children and things went fine other than some normal things that anybody can have. And why no place to live? What would happen to the place you live now? Does either of your jobs have time off with pay for having babies?
Please listen to Christine, I have found that people who have been there and done that are the people we need to listen to. She has been there and done that and she is honestly telling you the reprocussions.
Let us know how we can help and remember you have time.
Love and hugs,
Ruth
Awww shucks Ruth Anne, Embarassed thanks for the kind words about me being an expert...not exactly the best field in which to have an expertice Wink
Aquarian Girl this is your choice to make and I will pray that you find the one that is right for you. I hope we have been of some help.
Hi again hon. Smile I hope you're finding comfort and friendship here.
You mentioned that you were brought up in a Christian home - do you believe what you were taught about abortion? As Christine said, if you did believe that abortion is wrong for personal reasons, that is pretty much the number 1 risk factor for having emotional problems after an abortion.
Endometriosis makes it hard to get pregnant, but it's fairly easy to stay pregnant once you are. Pregnancy actually stops your endometriosis from growing, and it can even cure it from occuring in the future. Prior to my pregnancy, I had had 8 surgeries on my endo by the time I was 24. (I'm 27 now too). I had stage 4 endo, which is the most severe. When I got pregnant, there was a risk that it was tubal, but after I was in the clear from that, things were just fine. There is no increased risk for miscarriage with endo. I would encourage you to double-check to be sure this isn't a tubal pregnancy, but if it isn't, you should be fine. Pregnancy stopped my endo from growing back too. I haven't had to have any surgery, and I'm not on any medication. It was God's little way of healing me I think. Wink I only tell you this so that you have all the facts.
As you know, endo results in scarring of the uterus and tubes, which is why there is a high risk for a tubal. An abortion procedure also carries the risk for additional scarring, so be sure to discuss this with your doctor.
You would be able to adopt later - no one would need to know that you had an abortion, and even if they did, it wouldn't impact a future adoption.
It sounds like you have always wanted to parent - you're even thinking of adopting a child while you're pregnant! I know that the thought of single-parenting is hard. A lot of women do it these days, so you can probably take some comfort in that. If millions of women can do it, I have no doubt you could too. And you don't know what lies around the corner. You may meet the man of your dreams who is happy to accept you and your son or daughter as his own. That's what happened for Chris (sorry for telling your story Chris Anxious ).
I can understand about the child support. I wish it could be different, but that is also your choice. Wink
I think you are definitely on the right path. I think by continuing to think things through, answer our grueling questions ( Very Happy ), and giving yourself a ton of time to be sure of things, you're going to make a choice that you're going to be able to live with forever. ((((Hugs)))) to you hon.
Thanks for all the input! I appreciate being able to "talk" about my situation, as I haven't told many people. I told my Mom, best friend and cousin (she introduced me to the father). My Mom totally supports me in whatever I decide, my best friend sees abortion as the only option, and my cousin would like me to keep the baby, but supports me either way. This is good, it equals out to a neutral, so to speak. I don't feel pressured into a decision.
As far as the questions you all mentioned... Personally, I don't feel abortion is wrong, which is why I'm considering it. My family doesn't agree with it, and at the same time, they don't believe in having children outside of marriage. Either way, it's a catch 22.
With my living situation, I've been away from home since I was 19. I live in a large metopolitan city area, away from my immediate family. I am currently renting my place and there is no way I could afford to stay here (if I kept the baby), and I'd want my Mom's help.
I have been very stressed out at my main job and know I need to leave it. I'd have to stay working there for another 5 months before I qualify for maternity leave. I'm hoping to take a leave, and then request a transfer (with either decision I make).
With the surgeries I've had, I've been told of complications by several Dr.s. I have major scarring and damage was done when the endo was lasered and cauterized.
With the father, I learned that he is a possessive, obsessive, controlling alcoholic. I wonder if there is any way possible to ensure he doesn't return in my life, since he doesn't know I'm pregnant, and if I don't acknowledge he is the father on the birth certificate? I'm meeting with a lawyer to ask about this.
I hope this sparks some more thoughts from all of you... Smile
I'm glad that you're not feeling pressured any one way. How did you feel toward your friend who feels abortion is the only way? How about your cousin?
How are you feeling today? Leaning more one way than the other? Let us know what your thoughts are from day to day. Wink
With your family - is it more that they don't agree with abortion and they also don't agree with sex out of marriage - versus children out of marriage? That's the way most families I know work. They don't "hate" the children that result from sex out of marriage, but they do not like the sex itself - does that make sense? I'm just trying to guage the kind of situation you'd be dealing with should you decide to parent. It sounds like your mom is supportive of you keeping it if you decide to. That's a good sign.
Okay - let me run this by you and see if it works. You stay at your job for 5 more months, go on maternity leave, move back to be closer to your mom and into a cheaper place, and then transfer to a new job once you have the baby. Lots of specifics to work out, I know...but does that outline of a plan work at all?
Okay - you're talking about the surgeries causing complications. Yes, with scarring of the uterus, there is a heightened risk of not getting pregnant as well as staying pregnant. This is something you'll talk with your doctor about on Wednesday. I had 8 surgeries though and had severe adhesions and scarring, and while I did miscarry my first at 7 weeks, I carried my 2nd to term just fine. The scarring interferes during implantation and subsequent "hooking up" that the baby does to your bloodstream. If the embryo lands on a spot in your uterus that is scarred up, it will not be able to tap into your bloodstream correctly. I don't think there is an increased risk for later miscarriages...I believe the risk is early in the pregnancy. Find out, and let me know, okay? BTW, my miscarriage was unrelated to endo. How far along are you? The doctor may also be able to do an ultrasound and check to see where the baby is lying.
With the father, I would think that if you moved and didn't contact him, it'd be hard to find out, right? Would he even want contact - would he want to pay child support? Let us know what the lawyer says.
(((Hugs)))) to you hon. Keep thinking it through. You're doing great!
Hi Rose,
Well, each day seems to bring on a different light! I'm getting further ahead, so to speak, with the information I'm after to make a decision. I meet with a lawyer tomorrow, after having a brief conversation with a law phone line thing. I wouldn't give the lawyer on the phone the father's name for the file and she got defensive. She basically said that the child has rights to both parents... I figure, if he doesn't know and I'm hard to find... then what?
As far as how I'm feeling about those close to me... I'm frustrated with my best friend for not being supportive either way. She is very different from me and has had help through everything in her life and couldn't imagine the position I'm in. She's also made unfair comments which I can't see respect in. (Her Dad's going in for open heart surgery shortly... ) I'm happy that my cousin and my Mom are there for me. That gives me some relief, that's for sure.
With my family and their "Christian" beliefs... everyone is a Christian to different extremes, so I think everyone has a different opinion. I have an aunt who gave her first baby up for adoption years ago, then had another 6 children! The opinions of others don't really bother me too much. I've always believed that life is based on the decisions and choices one makes for themself... and that things happen when they're meant to be for a reason.
I do feel worried about having a miscarriage or any complications. I've been having some really bad cramps, so I don't think that's right. I'll be asking the Dr. a lot of questions.
As far as my "plan" goes over the next while... I know my job is not worth the stress. Honestly, I know I can't make it another 5 months. I am thinking of taking a medical leave for December, so I can think things through and talk some more... I really need to think about my decision and how things can be worked out. I plan on talking to my Mom (who needs someone to house sit for a while, as of January... = no rent) to get her opinions and talk about options. I could work in that city for a while and save up some $. All this I would do with either decision...
These are some ideas I've had. I'll see what tomorrow brings, then Wednesday... Smile
All right! I can't wait to hear what the lawyer will tell you. Smile From what I've seen, if he doesn't know you are pregnant and you move and don't tell him, he's not going to know. It's the same as if you got pregnant and didn't know who the father was. Whether or not you believe he has a right to know is up to you - what do you think about that?
I'm sorry that your friend has disappointed you. It sounds like she has a lot going on, but that's no excuse to be disrespectful. Why does she think that you have to have an abortion?
Cramping in early pregnancy is normal. I had a ton of it - it felt like AF was coming every day for the 1st trimester. There are also twinges that can happen. That is what they call the uterine ligaments stretching. So if you stand up and feel a wince of pain...that's normal too. Heavy bleeding is not, and sustained sharp pain is not. Cramping is fine. A miscarriage shouldn't scare you too badly - wouldn't that solve the problem for you?
Sounds like you have the plan pretty well worked out. Sorry that work is so stressful. ((((Hugs)))) You'll have a place to stay, be close to your mom in case, and be able to get a less stressful job.
((((Hugs)))) Update tomorrow, okay? I'm eagerly awaiting what the lawyer says. Smile
Hi again,
How did things go with the lawyer. Was he able to answer all you questions. Do you feel better after having talked with him?
When do you go to the doctor? How far along do you think you are?
As far as BF. Please stay away. He sounds like he is only trouble and you have found this out sooner than later and that is a very good thing. I wouldn't think he would try to find you and if he doesn't know about the pregnancy there shouldn't be a reason for him to try. Am I right?
What do you think he would do if he did know you were pregnant? Is your safety an issue? Tell that to the lawyer if it is.
Keep us updated on your appt's.
Love and hugs,
Ruth
Well it sounds as if you have a good head on your shoulders and you are being very pro-active with this situation. yahoo Perhaps having a chance to spend time with your mom will give you some perspective and insight that you might not have right now. I wish you all the best as you make this choice. I agree with the PP about the cramping...it can feel wretched but is most likely nothing to be really concerned about...even some light spotting could happen...That happened with me but had no negative results. I will say a Pray for you.
It's Tuesday... what a day I've had! First off, I got let go from my job right before my meeting with the lawyer! That came as a shock for me, that's for sure! It was a whole new line of work for me and I'm glad they gave me a chance...
The lawyer basically clarified things for me. She said it's not illegal to lie about knowing who the father is... and that the child has the right to know who he is. I totally understand what she means. She didn't have a lot to say, but gave me the head's up on a couple of things. She warned me about what could happen... Neutral
About the father knowing... I know he's wondering. He moved about 14 hours away and he knows where and how to find me. I blocked his e-mail address... he sent an e-mail to a bunch of people (including me), I didn't get it, so he had his mom send it! It was one of those get to know me type things... He's thinking of me... If he knew, I think he'd be swarming around me?
So, here I am, unemployed, pregnant and away from my family! I am seeing the Dr. tomorrow (it's my 1st real appt.), and I'm going to inquire on what I can do to get some unemployment $ and ask about maternity leave $.
Strange how things happen and when they do...
I'm so sorry to hear about your job. Sad Does that mean you'll probably be moving to your mom's sooner? I agree with Christine, that may give you the break and time you need to relax a little, clear your head and give this some thought.
If you just don't put a name on the birth certificate, you're not really lying, are you? Not to say it's the best thing to be sneaky about it, but is not saying anything the same as lying? lol....I don't know.
Good luck at the doctor tomorrow. I sometimes find it helpful to write down my questions in advance so I make sure I don't miss anything. If you have a lot of questions, it might not be a bad idea. Let us know how it goes, okay?
(((HUGS))),
Chris
Hi there - wow...what a surprise! So are we sorta-kinda happy that you got let go? Or is this a major problem?
So how did the lawyer appointment leave you feeling? You didn't really say that in your post, and perhaps you're waiting for the OB appointment. Did you leave the appointment feeling you could pull off parenting? Or did she leave you little hope in that area?
It's a good sign that exbf moved 14 hours away. While he may still want to email you junk mail, that doesn't say "I'm going to stalk you." Wink
Can't wait to hear more tomorrow. Smile (((Hugs))))
Hi
What a couple of days you have had. What kind of work was this? Will you be able to find another job relatively easy? How long had you been at this job? You sounded like it wasn't neccesarily a bad thing, did I read into that correctly.
I hope you get all your questions answered at the doctors. Let us know how far along you are.
As far as BF goes, I would continue to ignore him so that he realizes that you are moving on and he should too. I agree with Rose that sending an email right now is fairly harmless.
Keep in touch,
Ruth
Well, it's Wednesday!
After seeing the lawyer yesterday, honestly, I left there feeling like I'm fighting a losing battle. She gave me a couple of good pointers, but warned me of what I'm really getting into x 2!
I'm trying to get enough information to see if I can really work with this, so I can make the best decision. I'll just keep digging for information and see what I come up with.
I see my Dr. in about 5 hours, so I'll ask all my questions.
This is quite the week for me... I've got my head out of the clouds and I know I'll be okay.
I saw the Dr. today, and he was excited for me! I've been his patient for about 5 years now, so I'd say he knows a lot about me and the baby department. He immediately rushed me over to the hospital for an ultrasound, concerned about my cramping. It turns out the baby is 6 weeks & 5 days old... and I saw the heart beating! Anxious This all seems so surreal...
I am following up with the Dr. tomorrow and making an inquiry about the possiblity of any $ from employment insurance.
Quite the day! Tomorrow's another...
So did seeing the baby/heartbeat have any effect on your decision one way or the other? I know that many women are very undecided but then after seeing their little "peanut" have a bunch of maternal feelings flood in out of nowhere Wink Not sure if this is the case with you but i kinda got that feeling from your post. Did you discuss termination at all with your doc? What were his thoughts on the matter? (not that it would be the deciding factor or anything...this is after all your decision and yours only). So did the ultrasound relieve your miscarriage concerns at all?
It sounds like you're a little happier and excited about things today...that's a big change from a few days ago, so I'm happy for you! Congrats on seeing the heartbeat. That was an exciting experience for me I know. How are you feeling emotionally?
Thanks for all your questions and your posts, btw!
I am seeing my Dr. shortly and I will have the chance to discuss more with him today. He was more concerned with what's really going on in there, so to speak.
The ultrasound made me feel way better about miscarriage and how things could/would work out for me with having endo. It made sense.
As far as seeing the heartbeat... it seemed so surreal and a big part of me feels like I want something I can't have. I haven't felt happy about being pregnant, I feel more disappointed than anything. I guess I am hopeful but not positive I can make this work. Crying or Very sad
So much of what I'm feeling points to this being all wrong, and I don't know how to really handle that. It tears me up inside doing this all on my own.
I am inquiring about any $ I could be entitiled to after my Dr.'s appt. This is some more information I need...
Hi hon, thanks for writing again.
If you are wanting to have this baby, there is no reason why you wouldn't be able to. Remember also that there are programs that assist pregnant women who want to remain pregnant. Have you checked into any of these? I'm not necessarily talking welfare either. I would like to help you to feel positive that you can make this work, if that is what your heart wants. I'm big into doing what your heart guides you to do. We don't want a broken heart later...those are harder to fix. It just seems like you're happy but trying hard not to be because you feel you don't have a choice, and I want you to be able to have that choice.
What is it that you are feeling that points to this being wrong? If you can write some specific stuff, we can try to help.
I hope your appointments go well today hon. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
Hello...
Well, I went to my appointments yesterday and got some more information.
I saw my Dr. and he could tell I don't feel to happy about the whole situation. I told him I'm still considering having an abortion, even after seeing the heartbeat. I wanted to be excited about seeing that on the monitor the other day, and instead, I just felt sad and disappointed. I guess this would be a perfect time to either be happy or not? He is going to arrange for counselling for me and said I have lots of time to decide. I actually felt some relief from what he said.
As far as any $ goes, I know I CAN work, so it was hard to be in the office where you go when you are unemployed! The clerk there gave me some good information about maternity leave, and after reading about it, you really don't get enough. Bittersweet information...
I am so glad that you are all here, replying to my posts and answering questions. It makes me feel like I'm really thinking this through (as I would normally do for anything), and it's comforting.
Thanks again! Smile
Quote:
it seemed so surreal and a big part of me feels like I want something I can't have.
This concerned me a bit. Who or what is telling you what you are entitled to have? You have been thrown one of life's biggest curve balls. You have a choice to hit it with all your strength and make a winning play or let it drop and try to convince yourself that you don't mind forfeiting the game. This was the only analogy I could think of. It is still very early in the morning here so my thinking cap is still a little crooked Wink
If you saw your child's heart beating and felt a twinge of desire, PAY ATTENTION. That is a red flag when contemplating abortion. Anxious Your own words seem to indicate that you are denying, suppressing your real feelings based on a crappy situation and fear of the unknown. It has been my experience both personally and with peer counseling that the women who do feel remorse and regret after an abortion start off in exactly the same perdicament you are in. If you compromise your own wants based on fear, you could forever wonder What If????? Been there done that Embarassed
It sounds as if you have a great doc who is looking out for you, so use that to your advantage. Find out all you can about help that is available, fetal development (if this will at all affect your decision for/against abortion)etc...
I was really concerned by your words and I would just suggest some deep contemplation about what you would be giving up and why. I hope this is of some help to you.
Good analogy Christine, and I agree wholeheartedly.
It's good that you're thinking things through, and I'm glad that you're here thinking through all the advice we're dishing out. I had the same impression - that this is something that you want, but you don't feel you can make the choice to parent. You...in your present situation...have the right to all of the 3 choices - not just abortion. I know I'm just restating what I said before. Razz
((((Hugs))))) hon. Hang in there. Keep posting! I'm glad you're giving this lots of time and thought.
I totally agree with Rose and Christine....it seems like you want this baby, but for some reason don't feel like you are entitled to it or deserve it. I think it would be good to listen to your doctor and talk to a counselor. Maybe he/she could help you figure out what you want and why you feel you can't have it. One thing I learned from my pregnancy is that even though the situation might not be exactly how you'd like it, it's okay to be happy about the fact that you're going to have a baby.
Keep us posted.
(((HUGS))),
Chris
Lots of appt's and lots of questions. You have been busy.
Quote:
After seeing the lawyer yesterday, honestly, I left there feeling like I'm fighting a losing battle. She gave me a couple of good pointers, but warned me of what I'm really getting into x 2!
Help me out here. I know this is a few posts ago. But I am just wondering. What is the losing battle? What were her pointers on and what was she warning you about? Maybe I am missing something everybody else understands, but if you could answer I would appreciate.
Quote:
I wanted to be excited about seeing that on the monitor the other day, and instead, I just felt sad and disappointed.
Could this sadness be because in your heart an abortion is not what you want to do. But are feeling it is your only option. We are here to tell you that it is not the only option.
I know you have said you could not place the baby in adoption. But I encourage you to explore that option. If you feel you could not financially or emtionally parent. Read through the link about adoption on this website. You can also read about Christines story and her successful placement of adoption. This isn't making any decision it is just reading and researching so that you have as much information as possible.
Quote:
As far as any $ goes, I know I CAN work, so it was hard to be in the office where you go when you are unemployed!
What office was this? Could you explain more about your job and why it didn't work out? Are you looking for another job right away or are you going to take some time to figure things out first? Do you have any money set aside to do this?
Sorry so many ?'s, but knowing more about you and your situation will help us to help you. And that is what we really want to do.
Tender hugs,
Ruth
Hi there...
Wow, it's sure hard to communicate through words... this way. Let me try to clarify a few things and sum some things up...
A lot of what I am thinking/feeling comes from how I was brought up and situations I've been close to. My Dad wasn't around me much after my parents divorced at 8. I basically went through my life feeling that I truly needed him. My Mom did so well raising me and my sister on her own, although it was more than tough. These are a couple of thoughts that have always made me feel that I wouldn't want that for my children. Also, my sister has a 6 year old, is a single mother and his father is out of the picture. I've seen my nephew down and sad over this and that really tears me up inside. I guess I feel like I've been there...
All of this, has truly made me feel that I'd rather be married with no children than to be a mother on my own. I remember saying this again to my Mom, a couple of weeks before I found out I was pregnant.
As far as my 3 options...
I know I could never give a child up for adoption, that if I carried a baby full term, I would raise it. That leaves me with having an abortion or parenting.
With abortion, personally, it doesn't bother me to consider it as an option. (Of course, there are situations where I don't feel it is right.) I am not "religious" and I'm not worried about what members of my family think.
As far as parenting goes, I think I've run out of possible positive thoughts in trying to make this work.
In my mind, I keep "fighting" with thoughts of my beliefs and what I truly want for my children. I've gone all my life wanting the decision of parenting to be between me and my significant other, preferrably a husband. I grew up without so much in life, and my Mom did as well. I have honestly been considering all aspects of this and done a ton of research, so I can make the right decision.
With the specifics in summary... The lawyer mentioned things that could happen now or in the future. She said it's not illegal to lie about not knowing who the father is, and that it would most likely be a matter of time before he made an inquiry. A paternity test is something ordered by the court, and I have the right to refuse it. She said it would be wise to learn of the psychological effects being a single mother would have on a child. Also, she warned me about what would happen if the father knew and how that would change my life. Basically, the child has rights to the father and there is no way to avoid having him return into my life.
With my work situation, or lack of... I got let go since I was new to the business and they found someone else experienced to replace me, so I'm taking December off. I went to the government unemployment office to inquire about any $, and about the details of $ if I took a maternity leave. I can apply for $ for now, most likely I won't qualify since they let me go. With a maternity leave, I might qualify for it in May/June and it isn't enough to cover basic monthly expenses of my own.
I can't stop thinking about all of this and I know it's taking a lot out of me. I feel like I'm so unhappy, and don't want to be.
I'm sorry for the short novel, and I have found almost every nook and cranny of this website, and many others to be helpful and informative.
I am hoping to hear from my Dr. for a referral to a counsellor tomorrow...
It is true that single parenting is not ideal for most. I don't think anyone would argue with you about that. Not talking But given the fact that you have always wanted a child, it isn't the worst thing on earth either. I know many single moms who are very happy and extremely fulfilled. I'll bet if you asked your mom if she'd do it again or choose not to, she'd choose to do it again. And I know that you mentioned this to your mom just a couple of weeks before you found out you were pregnant, but the fact that you're pregnant has a tendancy to change what you had previously thought about how you'd feel, know what I mean? It's really coming down to what "weighs" more - your fear of single parenting or your desire to parent along with actually being pregnant at the moment.
Some kids are very sensitive to not having a father around, and one way to improve that is to put male role-models in the picture for the child. These ladies are right when they say that sometimes no father is better than a bad one. My father was absent for most of my life, and I did not want him to be involved. So it really depends on the child and what you make of the situation. It's hard when you experience something one way - you think it'll automatically be that way for someone else, but it isn't all the time. Don't forget that you won't be writing off the chance to get married if you decide to have this child. Mr. Right might be around the corner regardless of whether you have the baby or not. Wink
Regarding the lawyer and the father...you mentioned that he was an alcoholic? If that is the case, this does create a way for you to keep him out of your life and your child's life. I'm wondering - if you live so far away from him, why would he think to inquire about the baby? My ex's wouldn't have any reason to think about whether or not I was pregnant - let alone whether or not it was theirs. It is good to learn of the psychological effects of single parenting, but remember that statistics don't mean much as it relates to your life and your family. Statistically speaking, you should've never gotten pregnant on your own, right? Me too. Statistics can be scary, but sometimes, the situation is what you make of it, especially when it comes to the life of your child.
Do you qualify for unemployment? I don't think you'd qualify for maternity leave, but you'd probably be eligible for unemployment.
You're doing a great job hon. (((Hugs))) Hang in there. Keep tossing things around and looking at it from all angles. I just want you to be happy, and while it looks like everything is pointing to abortion, I just had a sense that you'd like to have the baby, so I'm just trying to make sure you do what feels right to you. I'm here regardless though. Wink
Rose covered everything very well. She has a lot of good advice to offer. I don't really have anything to add, just to remind you that we're here, and wanting to support you no matter what.
(((HUGS))),
Chris
Hey there. Smile Hope you can post an update soon!
Hello Again,
I promise I won't ask so many questions this time. love5 But I do have one, if you wouldn't mind answering?
Quote:
I am not "religious"
Quote:
In my mind, I keep "fighting" with thoughts of my beliefs
I am just wondering what are the beliefs you are fighting with if you are not religious?
I agree with Rose and all that she said. A husband is definitely not out of the picture just because you have a baby. Sometimes I think you can attract the more sincere men b/c the selfish ones wouldn't want to share you with a child. So don't let that scare you off.
Are you able to get unemployment? Were you at your job long enough?
You filled us in very well and I thank you for doing that. It helps us to help you.
Not having a dad would be hard. I can't imagine my life without my dad or my mom. BUT, I know people both men and woman and children who didn't have one or the other and they have turned out fine and they appreciate their one parent sooooo much because of their hard work in raising them. It can be done. I am sure your mom is so glad to have both you and your sister and she would most likely say that her life would be very empty without you.
I hope you get the referral to a counselor soon. Please go and talk openly with them and let us know how that goes.
Thinking of you,
Ruth
Hello,
Well, my Dr. gave me a referral to speak to someone at "the clinic." I totally forgot to confirm my appointment being busy with things (and still working at 1 job casually).
After all the thought and contemplation I've had about my situation, I've decided to terminate my pregnancy. I've looked into all my options now, and down the road, and I feel that this is the right decision for me. With a Dr.'s note, I will definately get unemployment $ for a medical leave, which will give me some time off.
I have been through a lot personally over the past 2 years, so I'm looking ahead to 2006.
Thanks for all your replies and questions, they've really helped me out. I'm sure I'll have more after my appt. I don't have that booked yet, but I'm calling this morning.
I'll update when I have some more information... and thanks again.
Well I am glad that you took adequate time to find a choice YOU can live with. Having been through an abortion personally, I can share with you that your emotions might be on a bit of a roller coaster right after. When i left the clinic my initial feeling was relief and almost happiness. Later that day and the next the sadness came. No matter how you look at it, abortion involves a certain degree of loss. If that means loss of a child, a potential child, cells or whatever, it is still losing part of your body. Be prepared to allow yourself to explore all the natural emotions that come along with sudden hormonal changes. We will be here for you and hope you will come back and let us know how it went. You are in my prayers.
Hi hon,
I'm happy too that you gave this so much time and thought. I hope that you are right about this being the right choice for your future, and I hope that when the time is right, the endo will allow you to get pregnant again.
Please let us know when your appointment is and what kind of abortion you'll be having. Remember too that even though you've made a decision, it's normal to have moments of indecisiveness, and when/if you do, this is a great place to talk about it. Do you have any questions about the abortion procedure? How are you feeling emotionally about the decision? Plans and goals can pretty much dictate that you need to do this, but sometimes it's still hard to follow through emotionally, especially after seeing the ultrasound. Let me know how you're doing. Talking about it beforehand helps you to be up front with feelings now and down the road.
Bug (((hugs))) sweetie. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
Hi Honey,
I have just read all of the posting and all of your processing and I think you are obviously a intellent, thoughtful person. However, as I read your whole story I am struck by the hopelessness in your heart. The lack of trust you have for the future and in any God you might imagin. I'm not talking about "religion" I mean in a God.
My childhood was much the same as yours except there were 6 kids and a single mom. I too longed for a father, my father, and had two abortions to not put myself or my potential children in the same situation. I had the abortions in my twenties. What a sad, sad person I became. I work now with many post-abortive women and men and that hopelessness (and regret) is a trade mark of most of us.
I understand all your reasoning but, let me beg you for your own sake. HAVE HOPE that things can work out. I have seen it happen when you least expect it.
Abortion is not just a proceedure, it is a sentence to a type of lifestyle, defeat. Talk to people who have been there, done that. I'm not saying this to make your life and your decision more difficult. Just the opposite. I wish just one person would have said to me. "YOU CAN handle this."
Life is about sacrifice, sacrifice for the things that really matter. LIVING really matters!! Not on a base level, which is just surviving, but on a ABUNDANT level. That's what God sent Jesus to do. Give us life in ABUNDANCE. When we ignore that we do so at our own peril.
Life circumstances tend to change quickly. The situations that are surrounding your decision right now will change and you might feel very differently very soon. But you can never go back once the abortion is final.
You saig that you could not place a child for adoption because you would be too attached. At least you would have given the give of life to God's child whom you carry. At some point that child could have the ability to say, thank you for the gift of life and the gift of adoptive parents. That takes maturityon your part to do - place God's child, the child you carried - to someone else to raise. But you would have participated with God. After abortion, there are no "good" feeling. You can work to resolve any negative feeling but I can guarentee you there are no long term "good" feelings, just a few short term feeling of relief. Unfortunetly, they dont't last too long.
I just want you to hear the gut wrentching truth of abortion. IT HURTS FOREVER? And generations of people who come after us will be dealing with the fall out.
Please, do yourself the greatest favor you can. Say, yes, to this child, say yes to HOPE and Trust that God will not leave you alone in all of this.
I would love to follow up with you to get you some additional help, in any way you want. I live in Michigan but would work to get you help where ever you want to be.
Sincerely and in love,
Old woman
Hello,
Thanks for all your advice and questions!
I thought I'd give a bit of an update... my appointment is on Tuesday for a surgical abortion. I have done a lot of research about the procedure, PASS, etc. I admit that I am nervous about parts of it. I don't tolerate pain very well and I hope I feel alright afterwards. My family Dr. referred me to a clinic that is "reputable" so to speak, so that is reasurring. My cousin is taking me to the appt. and looking after me. I appreciate having support around me.
If anyone knows of anything I can do to possibly ease the pain, or what to do, or what not to do regarding the abortion, please let me know! Thank you!
After Tuesday, I will be on a different post...
Are you going to be having IV sedation for the procedure? Have you had many surgeries done for your endo? If you've had a hysteroscopy, that's basically the same procedure. If you're planning on being awake for it, it is going to be pretty uncomfortable. They'll hopefully make you as comfortable as possible, but you'll still feel quite a bit, especially since you have a low pain threshold. Viewing the documentary here might help you to get an idea of what it's going to be like. You can get a sense of the pain by watching the facial expressions of the women on the video. http://www.choicetolivewith.com/abortionclinic.html
After, you'll be sore and have cramping. Sometimes that lasts a day, other times it lasts almost a week. What does your schedule look like next week? Are you doing anything Wednesday or Thursday? Keep your days open so that you can relax.
((((Hugs)))) Keep posting. Wink
Hi
I will be thinking of you in this week ahead.
I would really encourage you to read the old woman's (I am not being rude, she signed her post this way) post again. She has a real
story to tell. And look at the video clips that Rose has available. These will give you a real life look at what will happen and maybe help you to prepare better.
It is still your choice and you still have the choice to wait if you are feeling at all uneasy about this.
Love and thoughts,
Ruth
Thanks Rose and Ruth for your help.
I've watched several "videos" and stuff, so I feel like I know what to expect. My appointment is tomorrow... I plan on resting this week, before I go home for the holidays.
I've made my decision and yet, I am feeling pressured to keep the baby. I have no idea what to say, since I truly value other people's opinions. I have been trying to justify my decision and explain my choice. It doesn't seem to be working though.
Any thoughts? Thanks again...
I hope you aren't feeling pressured here Confused I value each woman and of course her right to choose. No one else has to walk in your shoes or has the right to impose their beliefs/morals/choices on you. The MOST important thing is that you have taken the time to educate yourself, and prepare. That is all I ask when I talk to women who are undecided. Many women don't do that and they are the ones (myself included) who live to regret the abortion. You seem like you have really thought this thru and for that I am glad. I will be praying for you as you go tomorrow and hopefully it will be "easy". This decision was not made lightly and I truly believe that you will be a more mature, wiser person as a result of this painful experience. Let us know after the fact how you are doing. As for those who question your decision, just ignore them or tell them that your mind is made up and that the matter is closed for discussion. They can fuss and fume but you will have made yourself very clear.
Hi again hon. I hope that you aren't feeling pressured here. Confused I do allow all points of view here. (You can read more about the rules regarding abortion here, paying specific attention to numbers 4 and 8.) If it's from others in your life, just keep those rules in mind there too. Some people do not think that abortion is good. That doesn't make them bad people - as long as they aren't being cruel to you because of it. You probably won't be able to justify your reasons to someone who is pro-life, because they usually see it as being morally wrong.
I'm glad you're going to have some time to recooperate. I hope you'll be able to post tomorrow or Wednesday. We're all there with you in thought and prayer hon. ((((Hugs)))))
Hello,
I wanted to first clarify that I didn't/haven't felt any pressure from anyone's posts here. I was referring to those in my life that know.
I had my appointment yesterday and it went better than I thought it would. The staff were all attentative, friendly and very thourough. The procedure itself did hurt for a bit, but it didn't last long at all. I was impressed with the clinic I went to on all levels. As far as how I'm feeling... I feel good and I'm not in much pain... yet. Hopefully the cramps don't increase and get worse.
Thanks everyone for your help, support and repeated questions! I feel good about the decision I made and about everything that has happened. Situations like this aren't always easy... Wink
Well I am very glad that everything went so smoothly. Be sure to get some rest now ok? (((giant hugs)))) Post back and keep us updated on how you are doing. Don't be a stranger, there are lots of women that need a supporting hand and since you have experienced this, you can lend a valuable insight.
Hi hon. (((((Gentle Hugs)))) Thank you for the update. I'm glad that you're not in any pain right now and that the procedure didn't hurt too badly. The pain should not increase much more...it should lessen over the next few days. Do get some rest...take it very very easy through the weekend.
You'll be in my thoughts and prayers. Please post with any questions and/or thoughts as you move ahead.
Hi
Sorry I haven't written. Internet problems Confused
I hope this post finds you feeling better than a few days ago.
Take plenty of time to rest and take care of yourself before going home.
Then I and all of us a CTLW wish you a very blessed Christmas.
Love and hugs,
Ruth
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