It's weird. I don't feel guilt, or sorrow, or mourning, or anything. Just relief, release. I'm glad it's over. I felt no connection to...it. I don't even think of it as "the baby", much less "my baby"...it's just "the pregnancy" to me.
And while I'm glad I don't feel bad...I also feel guilty for not feeling bad. Like, what does that say about my maternal instinct, or lack therof, that I feel no grief or loss over this? What does that say about the kind of person I am, that I don't feel much of anything besides relief now?
And I'm pretty sure it's not shock. I mean, I feel everything else just fine. I'm just...relieved. Weird.
-Nikaia
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Feeling bad for not feeling bad...
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Every woman and every pregnancy are different. There is no cookie cutter response to an abortion. You should not beat yourself up for the way you feel, be it good, bad or indifferent. KWIM? Most women who have an abortion (myself included) initially feel relief and release. That is not unusual. However, as you mature and change and your situation changes, that is when regret and what if's can happen. Not saying it will in your case but just be on the lookout for it, accept it as part of the process and be ready should you find yourself dealing with that. Make sure that you arent' feeding any type of denial. While there is much debate over when a baby becomes a baby as opposed to an embryo or a fetus, it is hard to argue with science. The more info and technology that becomes available, it is becoming clearer how intricate and complex life in the womb really is. I am concerned not because you dont' view the abortion as ending a life, but because you are not acknowleding your own loss. Rather to you it is a baby or cells, doesnt make that much difference to me. But you just went through a major, life altering procedure. That does involve loss on some level. Be careful that in justifying your choice within yourself that you dont overlook or push aside your real feelings. KWIM? You don't have to prove anything to us BTW...we are not expecting you to feel a certain way. Just want to make sure you are being open to yourself. There are many stages to grief and while relief may be where you are at today, dont be suprised if one day you are laughing, then the next you are weepy. As your hormones adjust and time passes, your mind and heart can do funny things. Just know we are here for you. (((hugs)))
Most women do feel a lot of relief after the abortion, and the ones that do experience regret often don't have that happen for 3 or more years. Everyone is different. Some realize that it's really only relief that the decision is made and they don't have to debate anymore. Others are relieved that they can hop back into their lives. Other's feel relieved to actually have the baby out and done with.
Even if you aren't feeling "regret," it does sound like you are feeling tormented slightly by your response to the abortion. A lot of women feel this way. It could be a sign that you are trying to deny that you did experience a loss of some sort. The "What kind of a mother am I?" questions only make sense if you have lost a baby after all. I think your next step is to question yourself on what it is you lost that day. Even if you did not want the baby, that doesn't make it less of a baby either btw. I'm not suggesting that you need to feel you lost a baby...or that you need to feel regret. I'm just trying to help you link your thoughts with what happened. Please update us, and let us know what you think, and then we can suggest more or less based on your response. Wink
((((Hugs)))))
You know, it's really odd. I suppose I...well. It's like I can't acknowledge that there was any loss whatsoever, or else I'll be obligated to really feel guilty. Everyone I told, all of them, always said it was the right thing to do. They told me I shouldn't feel guilty. My mom told me that I was not to feel bad about it, because there was nothing to feel bad about. She discouraged any sense of connection to the pregnancy, a preemptive effort to stave off guilt and self-recrimination. And it makes sense.
But now I'm like, what if I DO feel bad? Does that make me less sensible, less strong, something? I guess if nothing else, I feel like I wasted a chance. My uncle married recently, and they desperately wanted children. But my aunt was diagnosed with cervical cancer when she went to get fertility tests, and now she can't conceive at all. I kinda feel like, I had this chance. And I tossed it aside. I know, intellectually, that now isn't the time for it or anything anyway, that there was no way I'd have had a baby even if I had felt a major connection to it...but that doesn't stop me from feeling kind of wasteful. I try to tell myself that no, I'm not a mother. I never have been. I had a pregnancy, but only briefly, and now it's over, for which I'm grateful.
But while I don't regret the decision I made, or the actions I took...it's kind of sad that I had to. And that's as close as I can come to acknowledging anything so far, really...because if I acknowledge anything further, I may start doubting myself or something, and I can't afford that. I'm alone right now. I won't be seeing my mate until late summer, and in the meantime, I have three weeks' worth of work for three classes to catch up on. Emotions will just have to wait.
Luckily, though, the Mother's Day weekend timing still amuses me.
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all of them, always said it was the right thing to do.
Have any of them personally experienced an abortion? If not, then they cannot give you an accurate summation of what is or is not right...Taken a step further, you and only you could decide what you found to be the right choice.
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She discouraged any sense of connection to the pregnancy, a preemptive effort to stave off guilt and self-recrimination.
Was she as ambivelent when pregnant with you? Remember, once upon a time, all of us were mere "pregnancies". Has she had an abortion that you know of?
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what if I DO feel bad? Does that make me less sensible, less strong, something?
Absolutely not! It makes you human and sensitive to the potential that your pregnancy had to perhaps grow into something more...a baby you could love.
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I try to tell myself that no, I'm not a mother. I never have been. I had a pregnancy, but only briefly, and now it's over,
Huge red flags here...if you are trying to tell yourself, that means that deep down you don't believe it. Denial will not help you move forward.
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Emotions will just have to wait.
Perhaps not a healthy mindset....I would recommend that you seek out a counselor who has experience working with post abortive women and explore the emotions as they come...not wait. Speaking as someone who has already walked down the road you are on...
My mom was far from ambivalent when she was pregnant. She dealt with four miscarriages between having me and having my brother, and yet kept trying because she wanted children, more than one. She got pregnant with me deliberately. I think she was just trying to help insulate me from any potential bad feelings that come from this.
"if you are trying to tell yourself, that means that deep down you don't believe it. Denial will not help you move forward. "
You know, it's funny. Odd, anyway. My ideas on it switch back and forth. Sometimes I feel bad for having thrown the chance away. Sometimes I just want to forget about it and move on, and wish it had never happened. Sometimes I get all sentimental and regretful and almost sorrowful...and then it fades and I'm all okay again. It's the same way any "maternal instinct" I might have has always been with me. I don't do well with kids, don't really like them usually. Then I'll see one playing hide-and-go-seek and something in me melts.
Though I swear I'm more maternal towards animals than human babies. I don't even know how to hold a baby - but I'll cuddle a puppy or a cat until something forces me to move.
Okay, I'm rambling right now.
I know holding off my emotions isn't exactly healthy...but I don't have time to deal with them right now. I've already alerted my lover that the next time we see each other, for the first week at least I'll probably be an emotional wreck while I work this through. I'm just waiting until I'm somewhere where I have time and feel safe before I let it go.
The very last line of your post makes me think that you have just put yourself in survival mode. You can't let anything affect you right now, until you're through this time when you're alone. You need your partner's love and affection to help you work through this and so until then, you have to keep it bottled up or you feel like you won't be able to function. I get that way, too, occasionally, just know that sometimes it backfires and you end up dealing with an emotional breakdown way before you wanted to.....alone. I'm thinking about you.
Spoke to my partner on the subject last night. He made a comment about it leaving a scar on us both, no matter how we feel about it. I asked, how in the name of All does it leave any kind of mark on you? I'm the one who had to deal with this, alone mind you, since you weren't here. He said that although that was true, he'd put his vote behind mine when I made the choice, and to him that makes him an accessory to it. Not to mention that he was terribly worried about me the day of the procedure, even though he hadn't shown it much at the time - he said he'd figured I had enough to deal with without having to try to calm him down.
But I thought about it. His comment about it leaving a "scar" on us. I'm not sure if that's true or not. I think I don't want to believe it's true. I'm so determined that I made the right choice, I can't admit to ANYTHING but relief. Does it make it any less the right choice if it hurts anyway? I don't think so, but I'm not sure how much I believe it anyway. And I'm afraid to tell my mom that, because she was so insistent that I not feel guilty about it. Although she means it in the best of ways...I don't know how she'll react if I tell her I'm not totally okay already.
I *should* be okay. I *should* be strong. I *should* be a lot of things. But what if I can't?
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I'm the one who had to deal with this, alone mind you, since you weren't here.
Men are the often overlooked part of the abortion equation. They may be distant, not physically connected to the choice but like he said he feels partially responsible. Think about it. Traditionally, all through history of mankind, the man is supposed to provide for and protect his offspring. In an abortion situation, that natural instinct is cut short and he is denied that "proof of manhood" the ability to procreate. He lost a potential child same as you did.
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Does it make it any less the right choice if it hurts anyway?
Lots of "right" choices hurt. It hurts to leave an abusive spouse/partner, but it is the right choice for the victim involved. It "hurts" when a burn victim has to have old dead skin removed to allow new growth... I dont think anyone has the right to tell you if abortion was right or wrong. Really, that debate is completely irrelevant. What has been done is done and all you can do now is move forward. I am concerned that you feel so much pressure to be "okay" with it. There is nothing wrong with admitting loss, sadness, disappointment etc. That doesnt mean your choice was wrong, just that you are a human with feelings. This wasnt like getting a dead tooth pulled....A pregnancy is a life in the process of forming and when you interrupt that, your body isnt sure what to do. Hormones rage, emotions fluctuate, even body changes occur. Those things wouldnt happen if it wasnt a big deal KWIM? I think maybe your mom is hoping to spare you pain by telling you not to feel it, but it just doesnt work that way. Keep talking. That is important.
It's been awhile since you posted...How are you doing now hon? I'd love to hear from you again. (((Hugs)))
I'm doing a lot better, thanks! I'm adjusting, and mostly back to my normal routine. I don't even really think about it at all, just occasionally and with gentle acceptance.
I forgave myself one morning a few weeks ago. I was driving up to my campus and my apartment, and the road at one point is through these rolling fields that slope down to the ocean cliffs, and it was dawn (I'd left my mom's at about 5 AM to beat the traffic). And I looked at the ocean slowly lit by the rising sun, and the clouds shimmering gold along the horizon, and I felt at peace.
And I said softly, out loud...I forgive you. I forgive you for the pain you inflicted, and the pain you suffered. I forgive you for the decision you made, and for the difficulty in making it. I forgive you for the time you lost, and for the experience you've gained. I forgive you for it all. It's going to be okay now.
And oddly, I felt better. And continue to feel better. I don't feel guilty anymore; I feel stronger, if oddly older.
It's going to be okay now.
I'm glad that you found something that really seems to have worked for you hon. ((((Hugs)))) Please post again any time you need to talk, and it'd be great to have you stick around and support others if you feel able to.
Thank you again, more than words can say. This whole process would have been much worse without your support, and the support of this whole place. I will do my best to check in from time to time and offer what I can - I'm going on summer break soon and won't be around a computer much, but I'll try.
Best wishes for a summer of healing, rest and rejuvination. (((hugs))) Christine
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