Hi,
I thought I should move from the 'Am I Pregnant' section...I had my abortion on Tuesday. In the end, I had to go alone because my friend had a sudden change of heart and decided she couldn't support me to "kill an innocent baby". I was so shocked, confused and upset. This was so unlike her. For those of you reading this who are not familiar with my story, I am a 16-year old American living in Ireland, where abortion is illegal. I travelled to England without telling anybody except for this friend, including my parents because of their views, and our already fragile relationship.
It was scary on my own, and very very lonely. I missed home and my friends so much, I felt completely lost. I cried all though the procedure, not because I was regretting my decision, but because I felt so lonely. I know it was the right thing for me to do though. My parents would be horrified to learn I was pregnant so young, and would probably have sent me away so as not to bring shame on the family.
The nurses were kind to me, but were really busy so didn't have a lot of time to offer. After I was allowed leave the clinic, I had to spend the night in a strange city, alone, which was the worst part of the whole experience.
I've been having really painful cramps, and have actually been throwing up since yesterday. When I got home my mom took one look at me and asked me what I was up to in England - she thought I was at a concert with my friend, and assumed I'd been drinking and taking drugs because I looked so ill. She gave me a pretty hard time, and as I preferred her to think I had been drinking as opposed to having an abortion, I just went along with it. When I didn't seem to get much better I blamed period pains and she believed me, which is a relief.
I've got to attend a doctor in about 2 weeks for a check up. I'm already worrying about that - who am I going to see, what will I tell my parents?
Thank you for your support through this, although I realise many of you didn't agree with my decision not to tell my parents. All I can say is, you don't know my folks!!
-ally
Thursday, May 18, 2006
It was kinda scary
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24 comments:
Hi Ally,
It sounds like you had kind of a rough experience. That's no fun. Please take care of yourself and get to a doctor if you aren't feeling better soon. You may have to find a crisis pregnancy center near you, since doctors don't like to treat women who are technically under the care of another doctor. Since you haven't told anyone else, I would hope that you'll come back here if there's anything you need to talk about. Hormones can make you have some wacky emotions so you could have some extremes. We'll be here if you need to talk.
I am so sorry that your friend stood you up. That was kinda mean. You need support in a time like this and I hope you find it here. I would caution you though that vomiting and severe cramping should not be part of recovery from an abortion. If you have fever, severe cramps, excessive bleeding or continued vomiting, these could be signs of a serious infection! Go to the local emergency room if these continue or if you add any new symptoms! Better to let your parents find out what you were up too than die from an easily treatable infection KWIM? I hope this post finds you feeling better though. Again, sorry you had to go through it all alone. (((hugs)))
My thoughts are with you love,i had the support of my husband and he stayed at the clinic whilst i had the abortion,so i cannot begin to imagine how hard it must have been for you all on your own.I hope you are starting to feel better,look after yourself xxxx
Ally,
I am so sorry things went so poorly. Even though none of us were there with you we are here now to continue talking and helping you through this very difficult time.
Hi Ally,
(((Gentle hugs)))) How are you doing today? I'd love an update now that it's been a week. Sorry I haven't gotten to this yet. Embarassed
It must've been so hard to not only go alone but go with your friend's words ringing in your ears. How are you and she doing now? Have you spoken? That means that you have no one there for you right now, and I wish it wasn't like that. Even if someone thinks it is wrong, that doesn't mean that you are a horrible person that doesn't deserve respect and love.
As for who to see...that'll be a toughy. Call a few doctors and just ask "Do you see patients for post-abortion care?" You don't need to leave your name for them to tell you that. You definitely need to be seen, if you haven't been already. I'm worried about the throwing up and the pain - especially since you haven't posted. Please post asap, okay?
And again, please don't feel you've disappointed anyone here because you didn't tell your parents. We're concerned for you - not for us. There are absolutely no hard feelings about that hon. ((((Hugs))))
I'm really sorry for not posting sooner. I've been having a rough time and haven't really felt up to 'talking', I'm sorry if I worried you.
Firstly, the vomiting and bleeding have stopped, so physically I feel better. I don't know why i was vomiting - sometimes when i get really upset and stressed it makes me ill. I guess that was why i was vomiting.
I've made an appointment with a lady doctor next week for my check-up, so I'll talk it all over with her then.
As for my friend, she called me when i got home and said she was sorry, but she couldn't go with me in good conscience. I still feel really hurt by that. I feel like she could have respected my decision and supported me, and I'm still so confused about her sudden change of heart. She won't talk about it, but I need to. So, we're not talking much at all right now. I need to surround myself with people who care. You ladies are the only ones who are helping me right now.
I know I made the right decision for me, but I feel so lonely. I think my friend's desertion is upsetting me more than anything.
Again, I'm sorry for not posting sooner and putting your mind at rest. I'll post again soon.
Ally
I'm glad to hear you're feeling better physically. I must admit I was a little concerned about that. It's good that you're going for a check-up next week. Hopefully everything looks good. I'm sorry you're feeling so alone right now. Unfortunately that is often the case when we choose to go through something so huge alone. I'm sorry your friend isn't able to be there for you. Does she say why she can't talk about it? I'm glad you know that we're here when you need to talk. Your hormones may become a little crazy and you'll have good days and bad days, more than likely. That's normal. Keep talking about it, though, that's the best thing.
Hey sweetie. Gosh I am sorry that your friend's actions (or in this case, inaction) caused you so much heartache. Abortion is rough as it is, but going alone...That would be scary. I too am curious as to her sudden change of heart. Perhaps she did some research online about fetal development or abortion risks and decided that she couldnt' support your choice???? That is the only thing I could think of...Or is she religious? Talking to someone about her core beliefs could have led to the about face. In either case, it still seems a little unfair that she left you to go alone. If SHE were me, I would have said something like "Gee I don't agree with your decision and wish I could change your mind BUT I am concerned for your safety and that means more to me, so I will come stand by your side..." Something to that effect. I think that might have been a better way to handle the situation. Maybe she was just scared. Regardless, you have us and I hope that we have been of help to you. Your emotions will be up and down for a while but dont try to squash them. Ride the waves and eventually you will see the shore in the distance. Inner peace is paradise Wink Big (((hugs)))
Ally,
Please let us know how it goes at the doctors. Have you had any pain or heavy bleeding. Or do you seem to be physically on the mend?
Keep us posted.
Hi hon...how are you doing? Please keep talking, even if it feels you're saying the same things over and over. ((((Hugs))))
Hi, it's been a long time since i last wrote you guys, i'm very sorry. I just thought i should let you know that i did see a doctor and everything was just fine.
My friend and i are not so much friends anymore. Her change of heart regarding the abortion was due to her involvement with some people here that are part of a militant pro-life group. She has now joined that group and has been going about telling everyone about the "evils of abortion", even saying she had a "friend who killed her baby". It's incredibly upsetting for me.
So, physically i'm fine, but emotionally i'm a mess. I'm taking anti-depressants now but i feel like i may as well be popping smarties. The depression is due to a variety of factors, not the abortion in itself but circumstances about that. My relationship with my parents is really bad and i'm very lonely with no friends. I have lost a lot of weight recently and my parents are on my back constantly, telling me i'm anorexic and they'll put me in hospital. It's not so much concern for me but concern for their reputation.
Well, now that i've updated you i'll say goodbye. Thanks for reading xx
Hi Ally,
I'm glad you came back to update, but sorry that things aren't going so well. Stick around and talk through this with us, okay? We'll be the friends you don't have right now. Talking helps so much and we're here to help you through this, however we can.
(((HUGS)))
Hi Ally... (((Hugs)))) It's good to hear from you again, but I wish it was under happier terms. Sad
I'm sorry your friend is being so harsh. I know many pro-lifers who are compassionate, and there is a way to be PL and be nice. Unfortunately, your friend hasn't figured that out yet. I hope she will. (((Hugs))) in the meantime. You haven't told any other friends, have you?
Maybe some family counseling or something would be in order? Do your parents belong to a church where you could talk to the pastor/priest about your relationship with them? Sometimes bringing a third party who isn't involved into the mix helps things. Are you losing weight because of the depression? Maybe you need your medication adjusted. You could also talk to your doctor about all that's going on.
I don't like it that you're so isolated. ((((Hugs)))) I do hope you'll keep coming back to talk more. I'll keep you in my prayers hon.
Thanks ladies, it's comforting to know you're here for me.
I don't like the idea of family counseling, i don't think it would work. I'm just not interested or motivated to do it. My parents belong to a church but i'm aetheist so i definitely don't want some priest telling me what to do! But thanks for the advice.
I'm going to see my doctor again about my meds i think. I feel i should be feeling some kind of a "lift" by now - i don't know. As for the weight loss, i don't know if it's related to the depression, probably. I feel a bit down about a lot of things and just can't bring myself to eat. I also feel really fat and bloated all the time and i feel guilty when i pig out. I just feel like my life is falling to pieces, my family are always on my back about something (i'm the "problem child"), it hurts that they're embarrassed by me, and my friend continues to hurt me. I haven't told anybody else about the abortion, i don't really know anybody else here well enough to trust them. I trusted my friend and look what happened?
Hmmmm, sorry this is a real downer of a post! I'll let you know how things go with my doctor.
No worries about being a downer here. I'm just glad you are talking. Wink
I wasn't speaking in terms of a priest telling you what to do, but rather that he needs to tell your parents what to do, and your parents might listen to someone they respect - as a priest no doubt. Not as a means to get you to believe, but just as a means to bring someone else in that they would listen to. It's fine if you don't want to, but I just wanted to make sure you understood what I was talking about. Wink
Regarding family counseling. Well, I understand you aren't interested, and you probably don't have much motivation or interest in anything. But it might be necessary for you to be a healthy person in your family, for your parents to get off your back and lighten up. It won't just magically happen. Sometimes you gotta plunge ahead because you know you'll be glad you did it in the future, kwim? Even individual counseling would help at this point...someone to talk to about everything and help you figure out ways to overcome this.
Anyway, talking to your doctor is a great start too. Please do let us know what he/she says. It sounds like you might have a touch of the bulimia, but then again...I feel the same way half the time. The weight loss is the concerning part. It might also be the antidepressants.
I agree that you shouldn't tell anyone you don't trust about the abortion. It's too bad you don't have any other close friends. Again, I'd recommend counseling for this. Post-abortion counselors are usually free. Would you like me to search for one for you?
You'll be in my prayers (even if you don't believe it'll help Razz ). ((((Hugs)))) Post again real soon hon.
Hi Rose,
Thank you, you're wonderful. Can i adopt you as my second mom?? LOL!
I don't feel comfortable asking my parents to talk to the priest - if they do, for themselves, that's fine, i just can't bring myself to trust priests. It's ok though, i understand what you were talking about Laughing
I'm thinking of going to one of those family planning clinic places for post-abortion counselling. I'd really love to talk to someone. Maybe if they can't help me, they can refer me right? I already feel happier having contacted you guys again (you're sooo supportive!). I'm just so scared that they'll have to contact my parents - do you think they will?? I don't want them to know.
It's ok, you don't need to search counsellors for me (you've done so much already), i already have a number to call, so i should just do it.
I don't think i'm bulimic - i don't throw up or anything. I don't feel like eating, that's all. Last night i ate a slice of pizza and felt so guilty, all the calories eeuugghh!! I guess i've been very active, i don't like to sit still.
Thank you Rose, you're wonderful. I noticed in some other posts that you've got a little girl and a little boy on the way ... congrats. They are lucky children. Thank you for all your help, i really appreciate it (and everybody elses too)
Thank goodness, I'm not old enough to be your second mom...lol...but sure. Very Happy
Let us know about the post-abortion counseling okay? Sometimes the places that do abortions have a tendancy to push aside any thoughts of there being any negatives after an abortion. If you get that vibe, then we need to find you somewhere else to go. It can be very disheartening to hear that you must just be crazy. They should not have to contact your parents. Usually they operate very privately, but if you're very concerned, call anonymously first, let them know what you need, and then aske if your parents would need to be contacted and see what they say.
Eat healthy foods that won't make you feel icky...lots of fruits, low-fat meats, cheeses, etc. Maybe that will help?
Thanks for thinking my kids are lucky...I'm sure my DD would beg to differ at times, but what does she know, she's only 3. Wink My son is due in November...only 14 weeks to go now! Woohoo!
WBS when you hear from your doc or the post-abortion counselor...or if you need to talk of course.
Hey sweetie, i replied to you a couple days ago but I guess it didnt go through..So I will try again.
Quote:
She has now joined that group and has been going about telling everyone about the "evils of abortion", even saying she had a "friend who killed her baby". It's incredibly upsetting for me.
I am so sorry that she has been so insensitive to your needs right now. While she is of course entitled to her beliefs and convictions, she should still be tactful in their presentation. KWIM? If I were you, I would seek out a post abortion support group that can help you sort out all your feelings.
Quote:
The depression is due to a variety of factors, not the abortion in itself but circumstances about that.
I want to remind you that no matter what your feelings on the abortion, you do need to be careful not to get stuck in a stage of denial. Depression is actually quite common following an abortion. I guess what I am trying to say is that no matter your views on abortion, you cannot escape the fact that there is a certain amount of loss involved and there is a definite grieving and release process that needs to happen so you can move on in a healthy manner. Does that make sense? Rather to you it means you lost cells, or a baby is really not the point. Having this procedure done alters you as a person, it does not simply erase a problem.
Also, do be careful about the eating disorder thing cuz they are common in post abortive women also. I ballooned to 180 lbs up from 130 in the year following my abortion. Depression related also I would suspect. I am sorry that your family is not supportive and also this friend of yours. Do try to surround yourself with positive and while you shouldn't dwell on the negative aspects of your abortion experience, you must be careful not to deny the pain altogether either. Big (((hugs))) from Hawaii.
How are you doing Ally? I'd love an update. I know I tend to go MIA every few days, but you've been in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that whoever you contacted was able to help.
((((Hugs))))
Thanks. I was away for a while so that's why i didn't reply sooner, sorry. My parents decided to take me away with them, and force food down my throat! They had a big talk with me about "the things i'm doing to myself" and shouted at me because they noticed i was self-harming. SO, now they're making me see a psychiatrist and a nutritionist, and i have to eat at least 1,200 calories a day.
They've changed my meds so i will feel happier soon.
I didn't get a chance to check out post-abortion counselling because my folks took me away, but hopefully this psych will be ok. I've got an appt tomorrow. Not sure whether to trust her or not, like with the abortion and all my thoughts about everything. I'm really afraid she'll tell my parents or something, and they will go crazy at me. Do you think she will tell them?
I reeeaallly don't like the nutritionist much, there's nothing about food/ nutrition that i don't already know, but at this stage i'll do anything to get my parents off my back!
Anyway, sorry it took me so long to get back to you xx
Post about the appointment when you can, okay? I hope that you can talk to him/her about the abortion. Do you have laws there about not telling the parents? Otherwise, ask the counselor. I don't think she should tell your parents, but given how "crazy at you" they seem to be already, it might help them understand why you are acting the way you are. I dunno...I know some pretty pro-life people, and yet they don't turn on post-abortive women who are having emotional problems. I can't imagine your parents turning on you, but then again, maybe that's just because I can't fathom anyone doing that to their child. ::::shrugs::: I guess you'll never get much more than that out of me...lol. I would SO want my daughter to tell me. Forgive me for beating a dead horse. Feel free to eyeroll and move on.
Let us know about the appointment. ((((Hugs)))) You're still in my thoughts and prayers.
Thanks Rose.
It's ok for "beating a dead horse" lol! I know what you mean, but my relationship with my parents is just awful, so i can't do it. Particularly after how my friend treated me.
I saw the psych and she was ok i guess. There were so many uncomfortable silences though. She said she wouldn't tell my parents anything i tell her but i found it so hard to open up. I will see her again on thursday.
Anyway, so they (the nutritionist and doctor) are telling me i've got some kind of eating disorder, and my parents are making me see them every week. So i guess i should not post here since my problems are not just related to unwanted pregnancy/ abortion...
Thank you for all your help, and i'm sorry because i know at times i can come across as pretty harsh and stuff.
Thanks again,
Ally
Hi Ally,
I never thought I needed a shrink, either, but it did help to open up to someone. I was under 18, too, at the time and, just as I asked, he did not tell my parents anything I asked him not to. In fact, he told them very little, just that he thought the sessions were helpful. I'd encourage you to allow just one person in to help you work through this. It can't be helpful if you're not open and honest. My relationship with my parents was not good, either, but having that one person that would listen and try to help me withought judging me felt really good. And funny, a few years after I stopped seeing him I had some other issues and he was the one person I wanted to talk to about it. You could build a great relationship if you give it a shot. That doesn't always happen, either, but I think it's worth a try.
Don't stop posting here, either. Just because the abortion isn't the only thing you're dealing with doesn't mean you're not welcome here. Stick around as long as you need to. It doesn't even matter why, just as long as it helps to talk to someone about it. (((HUGS)))
Of course you're still welcome here! I would hope you'd keep posting. You don't come across as harsh...just as very lonely and troubled. Sad I'm glad you feel okay opening up here.
Give it some time with the shrink. You might not feel comfortable opening up for another few weeks...and that's okay. They expect that.
(((Hugs))) Now that you know you're still welcome here, come back and post again soon!
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