I just found out Wednesday that I'm pregnant. Thankfully, I found out early. I'm only in my fourth week at most. I already have my first appointment scheduled at Planned Parenthood for Monday morning. My mom's offered to go with me (I'm 20 and a college student, just for reference). I know this is what I have to do. I can't afford to take the time to have a baby - nor do I want to, because even if I did, I couldn't keep it. So this is what has to happen.
But...I used to hang out on a very vicious abortion debate forum about a year ago. It was nasty there, people flinging insults right and left and lumping all women who have abortions as selfish sluts, etc. I guess...there's still some part of me that hears that every time I think about this. I'm having a hard time thinking of anything else.
I know I'm not going to change my mind...but there's still that twinge of guilt. Does that ever go away?
-Nikaia
Thursday, May 4, 2006
Only acceptable option for me...
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I'm glad you found us here at Choice to Live With! Rest assured that no one here will judge you or call you names for your decision. We are here to help and support you, no matter what decision you make.
That twinge of guilt is most likely stemming from all the negative things that you read on that debate forum. But it may also be in part because you are not 100% certain that this is the right thing for you to do. Have you used any of the tools here on this website? Like filling out the "feelings" or "beliefs" worksheets? Or the PASS assessment? Have you weighed all of your options and found out as much as you can about the abortions types available to you and possible risks or side effects? These things can all help you be at ease with your decision and also help you to know what types of emotions and physical symptoms you may have afterwards.
I hope you will continue to post and let us know if there's anything that you need.
Thanks, Marnie. I've done the worksheets and the PASS assessment. I'm pretty sure I'm going to feel bad about this for awhile - I've got depression and have for years, which doesn't help. But for me...this decision was made a long time ago in my mind, and while it's a hard decision to stick to, nothing will turn me aside. To do anything else would be - for me - unthinkable.
I thank you for your kind words and support...I'm quite glad I came on here. There is nothing quite like the support of those who truly know what it is to face this kind of choice.
Yes, some debate boards get ugly but thankfully this is not one of them Wink You will hopefully find support and friendship here. As for feeling bad about the abortion, it won't be easy. I won't lie about that. I am 6 yrs post abort and it was rough. I compromised some deep convictions to do it and did the whole kicking myself in the a$$ for a while. I am happy to say that I have since made peace with myself. Hindsight is always 20/20 and you have to do what seems right to you. I would encourage you to perhaps consider adoption if your PASS assesment came out iffy...I also placed a child for open adoption and when I compare the two experiences, I have fewer negative feelings about making the adoption plan. I would be happy to discuss it further with you if that is something that you think you would consider as an option. Adoption is a scary thought and many women say that they could never carry a child then hand it over to someone else to raise. If you are strong enough to terminate a pregnancy, then you do have more courage than you may think. After all, it isnt exactly the same as getting a dead tooth pulled. It involves lives, yours and that of your potential child. It will forever change you and cannot be reversed. Adoption requires a great amount of maturity and selflessness. It is definitely not for every woman, but if you are concerned about pain and guilt, adoption carries with it neither one. Just food for thought. I am glad that your mom is supportive. That helps I am sure. I was unable to confide in my parents when I had the abortion, and my mom was not supportive (at first) of the adoption. She came around though Wink My son Daniel is now being raised by a wonderful family with whom I maintain contact via email/phone/pics. She keeps me updated and I have peace of mind knowing he is happy, healthy, and living a life that I could not have offered him. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Thank you, Sykorose.
PASS or not...there's no way I'm going to spend the next nine months of my life dealing with pregnancy, giving birth, only to give the child away. Additionally...I have a medical condition that may make it dangerous for both myself and the child if I were to do so. I guess I will just have to turn my strength towards dealing with the fallout from abortion...there'd be emotional fallout no matter which way I go anyway, so...*shrug*
It's so good to not feel quite so alone, though. This place is a miracle unto itself.
Hi Nikaia,
I was in a similar situation to yours, in that I had already made the decision to have an abortion and never considered anything else.
I just wanted to give you a heads-up for what might happen. When I found out I was pregnant, I had absolutely no attachment to or feelings for the potential life that was inside me. Yet as soon as I saw the sonogram at the clinic, feelings rose up inside of me that I had never felt before in my life. Afterwards, I was a mess for quite some time. I'm doing a lot better now, but it's still painful. (I had it done in November).
Of course, I was 3 months when I had mine, which is quite different from 4 weeks. You may have a lot easier time than I did since it's still so little and hard to think of as a child.
I would encourage you to look inside yourself to see whether this guilt is only from what you have heard other people say, or if it is something that you truly feel. This may take some time. But if you are truly set in your decision, it's probably better to start dealing with emotions beforehand rather than afterwards. Your mind and emotions can pull some pretty funny tricks on you afterwards.
I hope that things turn out alright for you. Stick around here to talk! Like you said, it is nice to have a place to go where you don't feel so alone and where there are other people that have had to face what you are facing.
*hugs*
Thank you for your insight, Julie.
I can say with utmost honesty that when I consult that spark of truth deep inside, when I block out the things people say...I feel no guilt. To me, having this abortion is just saying to that potential child, "Not now. This is not the time. Perhaps we'll try again in a few years, but I cannot do this for you now."
I am not irresponsible. I was using BC. Accidents happen, that's all. I am not a slut - I am in a committed long-term relationship of two years so far, and we're considering marriage. I am not selfish - I see it more as self-care. The kind of havoc bearing a child would wreak on my life...no. I need to do this to take care of myself. This is truly the right thing to do.
Thanks for letting me get this all out in the open, you guys.
You will surely be in my thoughts and prayers as you go forward with your choice. I hope you feel openness and friendship here and that you will never feel judged. You must do what is right for you and I hope you will stick around to let us help you through the healing process. ((((hugs)))) and Pray
Thinking of you this morning - I know you had an appointment. How did it go? Please update when you can hon. ((((Gentle Hugs))))
Well, the appointment went well, if a tad uncomfortable - that ultrasound wand was cold! Surprised I've got an appointment for Thursday afternoon for the first dose, and I've made arrangements to spend Saturday at my mom's house where she can keep an eye on me in case anything goes wrong whilst I'm in the midst of the "expulsion" phase. She insisted on coming to pick me up instead of me driving up there, because she doesn't want me driving two hours home Sunday night in case I'm still bleeding heavily, because I might get light-headed or something. They said I'm barely 5 weeks, so it's not going to be as difficult as it could be. I'm glad of that.
Mom was wonderful - took me out to lunch after, and we did a bit of wandering and shopping before she had to leave. I'm feeling a bit more at peace now, although still slightly edgy about this weekend. Mom's laying in a supply of painkillers and movies for me. Have I mentioned I love my mom?
I am happy for you that you have your mom there by your side. That should help easy any physical or emotional discomfort. Do keep us updated as to how you are doing. (((hugs))) Christine
It sounds like everything is set to move forward. I hope that you are safe and comfortable throughout, and I'm glad you have someone to take care of you during the rough days. In the meantime, please post if you have thoughts, fears, questions, etc., that need to be heard. You might get more nervous as the day approaches, and it's good to talk about it if it happens.
You'll be in my thoughts and prayers. ((((Hugs))))
I cannot thank you guys enough. It has been so comforting to have this place of support to come to, and everyone is so supportive and caring...I'm a little nervous, I guess, but I'm mostly relieved that it's almost over, and that I'll have a safe place to wait it out, as it were.
In fact, this is such a wonderful place that when I met a young woman on another internet forum earlier today who was pregnant and looking for help, it was to here that I directed her.
Hugs to you all, and many thanks.
Just letting you know I'm thinking about you. Don't forget we're here afterwards, too. Let us know how you're doing.
I hope you will let us know how it went...especially with me considering this type of abortion if I go through it. I wish you the best of luck and im glad you had the strength to come to the right decision for you.!!
Many thoughts and prayer coming your way for this weekend. You're in the U.S., right? This probably comes too late, but having it this weekend (Mother's Day weekend) might be hard to deal with later in the months and years to come - especially since you're sharing this with your mother. I usually like to point things like that out just in case you think that might be true for you. Some of the other ladies here can probably attest to the "anniversary" date issue. Just something to think about anyway. Wink
Big ((((hugs))))) to you!
Yeah, I had noticed the date...I actually thought the irony was rich. Kind of amused me. But then, I have a sick sense of humor, what can I say? Wink
It's done and over with mostly. Been bleeding for the past few days, have a follow-up appointment for Friday morning. But basically, it's done, and I'm incredibly grateful for it.
Again, thank you all for your support. I'm so glad I chose this path, and equally glad I found this forum.
Hi Nikaia Wink Well, I hope you'll continue to find the date amusing then. In the future, it could be an issue when/if you have other kids I would think, but I certainly hope you don't have a problem with it.
Glad things are going well for you. Smile How are you doing now?
I'm doing pretty well, thanks for asking. Mostly just trying to get my life back into some semblence of order. Not much in the way of emotional fallout, for which I am grateful.
Good hon. Smile If you have any "after-abortion" questions or thoughts, please feel free to post in one of the post-abortion sections. We're here for you as much or as little as you need us to be. ((((Hugs))))
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