I found out a few days ago that I am pregnant, unplanned, two home test confirmed it and I got a blood test today (results pending). I'm not sure if I want to continue with the pregnancy or not as I'm still quite young and my partner doesn't want children.
My partner and I have been together for 2 years, living together for 1, in a very loving and stable relationship. His views on abortion are different to mine and he wants me to get an abortion as we are both not ready to be parents and he is worried that because it is not his choice he will feel negatively towards the child or even me.
I am against abortion but I am very scared about parenting. I don't know if I could go ahead with an abortion but at the same time his support means everything to me. I could adjust my plans or put them on hold, and we are not stuggling financially so to me our situation does not fit the circumstances that I would feel acceptable to have an abortion.
If I am going to get an abortion I would need to make that decision soon. Everyone says that parenting is such a wonderful experience and the only stories I've heard about people having abortions are heartbreaking.
-EuphoricFirefly
Monday, May 1, 2006
Still Deciding: Tough Decision
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I compromised strong beliefs about abortion once to please a man. My advice to you is go with your gut. If every fiber of your being screams "I am a mom" then planned or not, having the abortion will not change that in your heart. If you go against your heart to hold onto a man, you will live to regret it. That is a promise. A relationship with true intimacy requires implicit trust and mutual respect. If you terminate the pregnancy, how do you see yourself looking at bf? He is in a sense turning his back on his child simply because it is an inconvenience. If he doesn't support you in your desire to parent then he is being selfish. Love is not self serving. I realize that this was not planned at all, but it has happened. He knows that sex can equal baby so if he didnt want kids, he should have protected himself or abstained from sex. You now carry a heavy decision and if you make it based on his wants/needs then it is a one sided relationship. Has your bf researched WITH you, other options such as adoption and/or has he made efforts to learn of risks and side effects from an abortion? It isnt exactly like getting a tooth pulled. If he loves you he will take your feelings and concerns to heart. How many weeks are you? I am eagerly waiting your response. Abortion is a valid, legal choice that you are entitled to make, however remind bf that it is also your right to stay pregnant if that is what your heart dictates. If he walks, you will know how much he did or did not truly love you. (((hugs)))
Hi and welcome
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he is worried that because it is not his choice he will feel negatively towards the child or even me.
You will very rarely see a father that feels negatively toward a little newborn that is his own.
You mentioned that you have been against abortion. When women say that
and go through with an abortion, they have always felt huge guilt and sadness. Having an abortion is a whole different way of never being able to turn back.
Look at the future and not just what would be convenient for right now. What do you want for the future? What do you see in the future if you look at it with an abortion in your past or a child at your side?
We are here for you, and your bf if he would like to talk too.
The other ladies had some great things to say. I just want to say again how important it is that decision is one that you will be 100% happy with. Please do not do something just to please someone else. The decision needs to be yours. Take your time in deciding. Research all your options thoroughly. There is a lot of great information regarding all the options on the website...please check it out. I'd also encourage you to do the decision making workbook if you haven't already. That is a great tool for helping you sort out how you may feel about those choices. Keep talking it through, that's a great way to work through this. We're here for you whatever you decide.
I understand how you are feeling as I was in your same position just two months ago. The father begged me relentlessly to have an abortion. His support was one-sided and I felt manipulated and uncared for by him. You are younger than me but I felt exactly as you did. I couldn't do it. I dialed the phone and couldn't stop thinking about how wrong it felt. I was only even considering it to keep the relationship. Please try to listen to your heart & your gut. They will not lead you in the wrong direction. I promise. You can see my story at I'm torturned and now I post on the pregnancy boards. Believe in yourself. No one should love us conditionally. It isn't really love if they do. Best of luck to you. Big hugs, Valerie
Thankyou for your support and quick replies. It's really good to be able to talk to other people about this, expecially people who know what I'm gong through.
My mind keeps going back and forth all the time, I don't know if I would be 100% happy with either decision but I don't think I could emotionally handle having an abortion. He thinks it would be irresponsible to bring a child into the world that isn't wanted. When I think about pregnancy and becoming a mother it feels like a positive thing and I feel that having an abortion is negative, despite the pros, but I still don't know that a baby is something I 'want'. I know that if I continue with the pregnancy he will be unhappy but that there would be others around me who would support me. If I had an abortion I could'nt talk about it, I would feel so ashamed. I just don't feel like anything good would come out of having an abortion, except perhaps that he would get what he wants, but I know I could never be the same. We will keep talking about it and I might see if he will come talk to a councellor with me. Does anyone ever regret parenthood?
There are always times as a mother that you want to pull your hair out and scream and cry...That makes us mom's human. LOL. However, when I compare giving my children life with the alternative (I did have one abortion) I realize that despite the trials, sacrifices, and setbacks, my children have taught me as much if not more than I have taught them. Children are a reflection and an extension of yourself. Many women inluding myself feel sort of amputated after an abortion and cannot figure out why. There is a unique bond that takes place sometime during pregnancy. For some women they are bonded almost before the 2nd line appears on the test, for others it comes with feeling your child move, for some, ambivilance is only replaced with maternal feelings upon delivery. It is different for every woman, every pregnancy. If you feel that your gut tells you that abortion will hurt you, then pay attention. If your bf tells you this your child is unwanted, then what does that mean? That just because something isnt planned for makes it less than deserving of life or love? How will you feel later when HE decides he wants a baby? Resentful? Angry? Hurt? This is something to think about. Not to be to forward or presumptuous but I will throw this out there...If you dont see abortion as being a healthy choice for you, and parenting seems undesirable, what about an open adoption? You can get extensive counseling, assistance, and choose a family for your child. Giving him or her life and a family would be a wonderful selfless gift. I am also a birthmom. I placed my 3rd child (unplanned, wanted, but just not able to keep) into an adoptive home and he is now 4.5 yrs and healthy, adjusted and beautiful. I keep in touch with the family via email/phone as they are now missionaries in Africa. LOL Long way for a visit Wink When i compare my abortion/adoption experiences, the adoption carries no regrets. Just food for thought. If you are interested in learning more about adoption and/or speaking to a counselor might i recommend www.buckner.org These folks are fantastic. They took a young woman's life and turned it around! MINE! We are here for you and again, FOLLOW YOUR HEART. It will never steer you wrong.
Thanks again for your advice. For an update on where I am, abortion is seeming like more of an option. I know I don't really want to be pregnant or to be a mother right now. I am scared about how having an abortion will make me feel physically and emotionally but it does not seem like the impossibility it did when I first found out.
When I have children, whether it is with my current partner or someone else in the future (and I want him to be that person), I want it to be a pleasant experience and don't think these are the circumstances that I want to have a child under.
Maybe I was pushing to continue with the pregnancy because I am so scared about abortion and what I think people I know would think of me if they found out.
I haven't really considered adoption as an option as I don't want someone else to raise my child. It's not that I'm not able to raise a child, because I feel that if I did continue that I could, it's that I'm not at a stage in my life where I am ready for that. There are things that I need to finish first.
As for my beliefs and values, I hold life, and the right to life very highly and that is why I have been so oppossed to abortion. I'm still not sure how I would feel about this if I did have one. But that is where the rest of my beliefs might help, because I believe in reincarnation and I think that life is not gone forever, that it will go on as a new life.
This is what I am thinking right now, but I am still undecided.
Well, I just want to encourage you to spend some time thinking about it b4 deciding one way or the other. Your first instinct is rarely wrong and the longer we second guess ourselves, the easier it will be to betray our deepest desires. KWIM? We will support you no matter what your choice is. Research all the aspects of the abortion, what kind, how it will be done, risks, side effects etc. Make a fully informed choice and that will help to avoid the "what if" demon later on...Also, how will your next, wanted child be received if you know in your heart that it is really your 2nd child, that one child is missing from the family portrait? Are you prepared to face that bittersweet reality? I have struggled with this for the past 6 yrs. While I dont think I would have been capable of raising my child at the time, the abortion did take me a long time to get over. I am ok with it now, but not without shedding many tears and questioning a lot about myself. I am not by any means trying to sway you either way, but I love the women I talk too, enough to be real and not sugar coat anything. Love must be tough sometimes. Wink I have no hidden motives, so I have no reason to tell you that you can have the abortion and that you will have no problems and live happily ever after. Relief is common in the moments, days, wks right after an abortion. The regrets and depression set in much later (for some women, not all.) While I do not believe in reeincarnation, I do believe that God holds the unborn babies. This gives me comfort and if your spiritual beliefs will be enough to comfort you, then I am glad for that at least. My personal belief is that God gives each new life a unique being, a soul. I had other children after my abortion and they are so individual and independant its scary Laughing Don't know if any of this helps but i'm sending (((hugs)))
Hi there Smile It sounds like there's still a major pendulum swinging within you. Only one day apart you had very opposite thoughts about what to do, so I would encourage you to give it more time before scheduling an appointment. There's no rush to this, and you haven't known for that long. Take time to be sure you're sure before you move ahead with having an abortion, since you had been so upset at the thought of it before today.
I'll ask my favorite question. Very Happy If your bf were excited to have the baby, what would you do then? If you would want to have it, then I'm thinking that your fears of being pregnant/being a mother are only starting to overwhelm you because of the toll that the pressure from him is putting on you.
Another tough question. How will you feel toward him 1 week, 1 month, 1 year after an abortion? Many women feel resentment toward the person who did not support their desires or at least offer to support whatever decision she made.
Honestly, I'm very concerned about how your previous beliefs are kind of being pushed aside in light of your present situation. So often I see women that regretted not listening to thier gut instinct. I just hope that's not you hon.
((((Hugs)))) I look forward to hearing more from you, and I hope that the decision becomes easier to make in the days ahead. Wink
You are right, it is very confusing having such conflicting thoughts all the time. When I was thinking about having an abortion yesterday I felt calm about it, not scared but anxious about the procedure. I thought 'I want to get this done as soon as possible' because my breasts are sore and I'm starting to feel sick. I talked with my BF about it, we decided that after the procedure we would go on a short break to spend some time away and alone. We were also talking about getting a kitten again, which is what we were going to do before we found out. So after all that I was even looking forward to it. We agreed to use a more reliable contraception and that if despite precautions we had another unplanned pregnancy we would got through with it. But now I am having doubts. If my bf was excited about having a baby I think I would still be considering both these options. I'm not sure which way I would be swaying, but I realised that one of the reasons I wanted to continue the pregnancy was that he was so strong about terminating it. Actually I'd never really thought about having my own children before this, I was planning on adopting. So I have a question: can you still adopt if you've had an abortion?
Also, I live in a small town, 5hr drive from the nearest major city. I've been told by my doctor that I can get an abortion done here, if that's what I decide, but I forgot to ask what the procedures are available and what levels of aneasthetic (sp?). I think it would be done at the hospital. I would prefer to be right out of it when they do it because I am uncomfortable about other people entering my body
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can you still adopt if you've had an abortion?
Abortion is perfectly legal in the USA and "usually" safe. What reason would there be for you not to be able to adopt in the future? This is something that will be very personal and no one needs to know that you don't want to tell. Except bf and your doctor of course Wink
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procedures are available and what levels of aneasthetic (sp?). I think it would be done at the hospital. I would prefer to be right out of it when they do it
If you go to a clinic, then usually for early abortions they use the traditional suction aspiration and you get a local only. You will most likely be awake and will feel cramping and some pain/discomfort. You will be weak and shaky after but the bleeding shouldnt be too too bad. If you get a fever or start bleeding heavily, you would need to see a doctor. If you prefer not to be awake, be prepared to spend a lot of money. Some places will offer sedation but usually for later term abortion. Actually having the abortion done in a hospital is rare as most insurance carriers dont cover voluntary terminations except under certain circumstances. You might want to look into that. I cant remember how far along you are but probably past the window of time for a medical abortion (the RU486 pill). Those have to be done in the first couple of weeks I believe...Hope this helps, Rose might have better info. Best of luck with whichever route you decide to take.
Hello,
It sounds like you have made preliminary plans for an abortion. However, you don't want to be awake for it. Maybe you could talk to a counsellor before getting the abortion.
Also, yu asked about adopting after an abortion. I guess what i would say by that comment is that you say you feel embarassed and don't want to tell anyone. I can respect that but if you really feel that way i would want you to be true to yourself. Ask yourself the hard questions, how you will deal with your feelings after the abortion?
Also, you say that you eventually want to adopt but that your partner does not want children. He has lived with you for 1 year but there is no commitment (marriage.) How are you going to feel when or if this relationship ends? Are you going to regret this decision to not have the baby? Maybe it could help if you filled out the workbook entries, especially the feelings and beliefs.
It is good that you have made alternative plans for birth control, but i don't necesarily believe that he would want a second baby any more than a first. He could be trying to comfort you. Anyway, getting away for a weekend sounds kind of like a bargaining chip, not a real supportive thing.
If you are having your first gut reaction that abortion may not be a good choice for you, you could be subject to emotional Post Abortion Stress Disorder.
Please take care and love yourself and choose the things that are nurturing for you. I'm sorry your breasts hurt and you are feeling nausated.
Take care of yourself and keep talking when you need to.
Hello there - how are things going hon? I'd love an update when you get a chance. Smile ((((Hugs))))
Things have been at a bit of a standstill while I am in between appointments. I live in South Australia and the laws here are a little tricky. I need to get two doctors referrals to get an abortion, and I think it's more difficult being a rural area with fewer facilities. I have an appointment with an obstetrician/gynaecologist in an hour. I told my doctor that I was considering abortion and he referred me. I'm not sure what happens at this appointment but the person on the front desk said I wouldn't be able to get an abortion until the 23rd and for that I will have to travel an hour to another town.
I don't want to be a mother, I'm not ready to be and I don't when or if I will be so I am going ahead with the abortion plans. I'm still scared about the procedure and how I will feel before and afterwards.
Hello,
It sounds like having an abortion in Austrailia is a gbit confusing. Maybe Sarah could be of help. Do you know what procedure you are considering? Do you know what your feelings stem from of being scared? Would adoption be a possibility?
could you maybe get some counselling over there?
Continue to explore your options. Good luck to you in making a choice you will feel good about.
You may also want to read about the abortion procedures on the abortion information link on this website.
Hey there! My name is Sarah and i live in South Australia too! Where abouts do you live? i live about....an hour away from adelaide! If you need any help or someone to talk to pm me!So much luck to you.
love, Sarah
I live in the South East. The procedure will be done in Millicent, I could have got it done at the local hospital but it would be a longer wait and the doctor suggested going to a different town might be more comfortable as there is more anonymity. I have an pre-appointment with the aneathesist on Monday. They've already taken blood sample to do all sorts of tests about aneasthetic (sp?) compatibility, which is good as I guess as that means there is less chance of there being a negative reaction. I think the appointment for the procedure is on the 23rd but I don't have an appointment card for it, I guess they organise that after I see the aneathesist. I'm feeling a lot more comfortable about this after talking to two doctors. It seems as though it will be a lot easier that I originally thought. I've read the pages about abortion and even watched the movies. Thanks for your support.
Hi there Smile It's good to hear from you and learn about the preparations. I'm guessing this is going to be a vacuum abortion? Are you going to be able to be asleep like you wanted to be? Perhaps that will be answered on Monday for certain.
Having an abortion is a very common, pretty minor procedure these days, so yes, it probably is easier than you had thought it would be. The only not-so-easy part of it is the emotional part of it. It sounds like you're feeling okay with it, even though you had been against abortion before. Is that about right - or are you just relieved that making an appointment has been pretty easy so far.
We're here for the emotional stuff too...no matter what you feel between now and then. Please write as often as you can. Smile
Hi there Smile It's good to hear from you and learn about the preparations. I'm guessing this is going to be a vacuum abortion? Are you going to be able to be asleep like you wanted to be? Perhaps that will be answered on Monday for certain.
Having an abortion is a very common, pretty minor procedure these days, so yes, it probably is easier than you had thought it would be. The only not-so-easy part of it is the emotional part of it. It sounds like you're feeling okay with it, even though you had been against abortion before. Is that about right - or are you just relieved that making an appointment has been pretty easy so far.
We're here for the emotional stuff too...no matter what you feel between now and then. Please write as often as you can. Smile
How are you doing hon? We'd love an update. Smile
Hi,
going well besides feeling sick, not sure if it's stress or morning sickness. haven't felt like doing much but lying around in bed or on the couch. I'm having the procedure on tuesday. Still think this is the right thing to do and I've had plenty of time to think about it. I have no desires to have a baby whatsoever. Guess I will write back after the event and tell you how it goes.
Please update us as soon as you can. And remember if you are not 100 percent sure you still have time to wait and think things through.
Let us know how you are doing.
It's probably a combination of stress and morning sickness...stress makes MS worse...nice, huh? I went through the "all I can do is lay around phase too." It's definitely hard to want the baby at all when you're feeling miserable. Thank goodness I'm out of it now and feeling much better.
Please update us today on how you're feeling if possible, and definitely write tomorrow. ((((Hugs))))
Had the procedure done today (guess you can move this to the other forum). Feeling better, no cramps or pain but a bit of bleeding. Little tired too. The anaesthetic made me feel sick afterwards but they gave me something for the nausea and since then I've been fine. Nurses were great, had two medical students there as well who made sure I wasn't feeling scared or nervous. I was given a general anaesthetic and don't remember anything but waking up 30 mins later. I was given plenty of printouts on what to expect afterwards and to do/not do. Partner sat by my side while I waited for 2 hours in the day surgery centre before and 2 hours after for recovery (was a long day). I'd have to say I really like the system here, all the doctors I visited made sure I had all the information and made me feel cared for. Because I went in as a public patient the public health system covered the costs, I just had to cover the initial doctors visits. For someone who was scared of seeing doctors before this hasn't been a negative experience.
I am glad that you received such good care. Make sure and follow that to do/ not do list very carefully.
Also be ready for some hormonal changes that can make you very emotional.
Let us know how you are recuperating,
Ruth
Hello, just thought I'd stop by and let you know I'm still around. I check by every now and then to see if there is any advice I can give. I've been thinking about it recently, no guilts but a little sad. I would like to have children someday, maybe even in the next few years (seeing babies makes me clucky). I don't think I was emotionally or mentally ready at the time though and I don't regret my decision, only that it had to be made. Now using the implanon implant for contraception, the side effects put me off before but after this I decided it was worth a go and it turns out I'm part of the lucky 1/3 that doesn't get their period while using it. Thanks again for the support.
Hi Euphoric Smile It's good to see you're still lurking around here. Wink I'm sure you've had plenty of advice to give...so next time, don't be afraid to speak up! It's normal to be sad at what could have been - especially when you start to desire children. Feel free to share those feelings or any others here (the post-abortion board is specifically for issues like these). You're always welcome here. Smile
(((Hugs)))
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