HI all... new to this community, i need to vent and get some advice!
As i said, im 37. Ive been with the same guy for a year and a half. Yesterday i found out i was pregnant. All along he has told me that if this had ever happened, we would get thru it and be together. Today he has told me that he is not ready for this. Does not want people to look down on us for being pregnant, doesnt want to hurt my feelings, etc. etc. etc. And also had researched all day on my computer (saw it in the browser history) about abortions. When i found out, i was not freaked out like i thought i would be. A little part of me was happy. But after telling him and getting this response i am torn. Should i have the abortion? i REALLY dont know what to do. I told him today that if i had the abortion, it would be over for us. And that if i DID choose to have the baby, it would be over too. I do not want this man to be part of my life if he cannot accept this and deal with it with me. Do i sound unfair? too demanding?? im terrified to have this baby ALONE! i do not have alot of support, but i am an adult, and i fear that if i terminate, this will be my last chance to have a baby. I dont know why i feel that way but i do. Im soooo confused, and really hurting right now with no one to talk about this with! Sorry for being so long winded! any advice would be great! 
-susan
Thursday, August 3, 2006
37 and terrified!
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22 comments:
(((HUGS))) Hello and wecome, Susan. I think the biggest thing for you right now would be just to slow down a little. If you just found out yesterday, you (and boyfriend) are still in shock and it will take awhile for this to sink in and for you to start thinking more level-headed. The best thing to do is to try to relax and give yourself plenty of time to make a decision - a couple weeks at least. It's quite possible that after that time, he will come to remember that he said he'd stick with you if this happened, especially if you've decided that you want to keep the baby and let him know you won't change your mind. It sounds like you're going back and forth right now, but just give yourself some time and it won't be so overwhelming. In the meantime we're here to help you work through this and come to a decision you'll be happy with.
Hi Susan,
I agree with the PP in that this is still a very new concept to you and your bf. You need to take some time to think things through. Let the shock wear off and talk about it again. I'm sure you will both change your minds many times in trying to decide what is the right thing to do. I'm sure that you will come to a decision that is right for you, but it won't be a rash decision - you need to really think about what you want and envision yourself in both decisions. Don't be too quick to give up on your bf - this is a new concept to him too, and a lot of men don't completely understand and come to terms with the pregnancy right away. I'm sure he's as scared as you are. Please don't hesitate to talk to us. We want to help you as you make this decision.
Marnie
Hi and welcome to CTLW! I agree with the PP's wholeheartedly. Take deep cleansing breaths and remember you don't have to make this life changing decision overnight. You seem to be leaning toward keeping your baby but are afraid of your bf not being supportive. Am I way off base here? If so, do let me know Wink Men in general are concrete thinkers, pregnancy is abstract to them because it is not their body creating the new life and experiencing the roller coaster of emotions and hormones. Before making any decision, I would encourage you to obtain an ultrasound which you should have before terminating anyway and allow bf to accompany you to it. See how he feels after it becomes a bit more real to him. KWIM? If he continues to back away, then you will have to decide if you are ready to parent. You mentioned fear that this could be your last chance and indeed it very well may be. You said you would leave him either way if he didnt step up to the plate and I commend you for that! You and he are not ignorant naive 16 yr olds. You are both mature adults and wherever sex is involved, 1+1 almost always =3 LOL Very Happy He knew the risks and continued to sleep with you anyways, therefore he should be held accountable now that you are in this situation. I aborted once in the hopes of keeping a man and making him happy. Big mistake. NEVER make a decision based on fear or under duress. If in the end you decide to terminate, own the decision, it HAS to be yours. You sound as if in a perfect world and perfect circumstances you would welcome this little suprise and love it with all your heart. Since the world and circumstances will never be perfect, it is up to you to decide if your love is enough for this new little one. Never underestimate yourself or the resources and support that are out there for you. Best wishes as you continue to contemplate. (((hugs from Hawaii)))
Thank you all soooo much for your advice. I am one of those people who need to do everything right away and keep it all neat and tidy! I know now that i need to give it some time, and give HIM some time, although its not going to be easy. He's pretty set (in his mind) about this whole abortion thing, even though he calls himself a christian. I tell him how I feel about it, that I am ok with it, for other people, but it is not a good alternative for me. I am fearful that this is my last chance in life to have a baby. Ive done nothing but think about it and cry about it for the last 2 days. He came over again last nite, and was pretty upset himself, but he stayed anyway. Then i get this email from him today kind of blaming me for this whole thing. So who knows? im just going to let his emotions run thru him for awhile and hope he learns to cope. He does not want to tell his family, but i really think they could help him with advice. Should i call his sister? we are pretty close and she is pregnant herself. I think she could give him good advice and be someone for him to lean on. Thanks again for all the advice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Its so nice to know i have somewhere to come to talk about these problems!!!
It sounds like you've pretty much decided that abortion is not right for you, is this correct? If so, just stand your ground with him, let him know the decision you've made and that he is welcome to stay and support you or leave. That you can and will do this with or without his help. I wouldn't recommend telling his sister, that could lead to him being even more upset, and it sounds like, if you're as close as you are, she'll find out sooner or later anyway, and will still have a chance to talk to him about it then. I think you're doing the right thing by giving him some space to let this shock become a reality (as much as it can to a man), let him settle down a little bit and see where he is at that point. And, yes, you can always come here to talk about it!
I really feel for you sweetie and I can sure identify! I want to share words from the heart, from someone who is much younger than you, but who has been down the road you are on.
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He's pretty set (in his mind) about this whole abortion thing, even though he calls himself a christian.
It sounds as if you are disappointed by his obvious moral double standard. If you abort to please this man, you will compromise your desires, needs, and beliefs to accomplish what? Statistically, the success rate of relationships following a pressured abortion are very low. Will you respect yourself, let alone the man who pushed you so hard toward the abortion after the fact? Doubtful. Women in this country didnt fight for freedom to control their bodies just to roll over and give in when the man wants to run from his responsibility. There is soooo much more involved physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally!
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but it is not a good alternative for me.
If you already know what is best for you, then why are we still discussing it with bf? The bottom line is that you cannot allow your choice to become his. It is your body, your baby, your future.
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Then i get this email from him today kind of blaming me for this whole thing. So who knows?
I will admit that most of my highschool experience was spent in an alcohol/drug induced haze but I do remember some parts of basic biology. To my knowledge, there has in fact been only one reported immaculate conception in the history of the world. So at what point does this pregnancy become soley your fault?
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He does not want to tell his family, but i really think they could help him with advice. Should i call his sister?
I would say no. The more people you involve the more confusion and pressure you may open yourself up too. The only person(s) in this equation should be you, baby and bf (if he chooses to be a man and support your desires). Also, 2 wrongs never make a right. If he prefers to keep the situation private and you open the can of worms before he is ready it could push him further away and seal the fate of your relationship before it has the chance to resolve. KWIM? If you decide to parent and he flakes out, his family will find out soon enough on their own. No need to rush in with guns blazing. You know in your heart of hearts what is right for you, so stick to it! Don't back down. Your bf has two obvious issues. Immaturity/irresponsibility and denial. He wants to "erase" what has become and act as if it won't bother you. Sorry but it tends to not be that simple. If he truly cares for you, research abortion together. Get detailed factual information about risks, potential side effects (both short and long term ) and resources for afterward. Ask him if he is willing to subject you to that kind of discomfort and if he remains adamant, cut him loose like a bad habit. Much love and prayers, Christine
Well i didnt read your responses earlier and i did make the call to his sister. She was very supportive and i gave her the option of talking to him or staying out of it. She wanted to talk to her husband first. The main reason i did this was he sent me another email saying he wish he would die, which really scared me. I dont want him to do anything stupid. So the balls in her court. Im ready to take the blame if he gets mad about me calling her even though i did tell him yesterday i would talk to someone in his family if he didnt do so.
And i am coming to one real decision here. I am going to keep the baby. I told him last nite that either way this goes, if he does not want the baby i do not want him to be part of our lives. He did stay the nite last nite, was pretty quiet, but still loving. So maybe he'll come around. Either way im confident i can and will get thru this! with alot of prayers along the way
Maybe he will come around, we can hope for the best. Congratulations, it appears that you've made a decision you will be happy with. We'll be here for you as you work through this with him, and however much you need us during the pregnancy, as well. Keep us updated, okay? Much love and prayers, Chris
im glad you were able to make a decision...I know its hard too do that knowing you may lose the person you love as well. It was really hard for me but Im glad that ive chosen to have my baby. My husband has pretty much come around...he still amkes remarks every once in a while but nothing like what it was. Good Luck!!!
HI everyone, you are really my ROCK i must say. I cant tell you how much all your support is appreciated! He went to his sisters for dinner tonite, i bowed out figuring if she were going to talk to him, he wouldnt want me to be there. He called and said he was hanging out there late tonite and that he'd see me tomorrow, so i dont know if she did talk to him at all. But he was in good spirits. I am worried about losing the man i love, but i know i have to make this decision for myself. No matter what he thinks. Its very hard to go from being loved to a whole new experience on my own. I still have some reservations in my mind but im sure its due to the situation and i will give it time. So im off to get some sleep, hopefully without tears tonite. Havent really been able to eat much which worries me, i do want to stay healthy. and thank you christine for your indepth response, it helped me really think about things. im so glad i happened on this site, its been a Godsend! thank you all again and goodnite
Glad to be of help sweetie
Well things are going ok here. Its still kinda wierd. Mark has spent the entire weekend with me, but we never TALK about whats going on. I guess its better for him if we dont and i dont push the issue. But after all of his negativity i feel like i cant be happy about the situation. My mother bought me a cute onesie and i just cant bear to look at it. He has made me feel like this is a shameful situation and i shouldnt share it with anyone! I know it sounds nuts, but i guess things just rub off on me. I mean i am happy about it, but dont want to think about it right now! does this make any sense?
It makes sense, but only because he is manipulating you. Been there done that! You have created a new life. There is nothing shameful about this situation except for his behavior. Keep your head held high, do what is right for you, and lose him like a bad habit. My $0.02 for what its worth
Well I am never manipulated for long! I am going to continue on as i am doing, its hard, i dont want to lose him but i will if its what turns out to be best for me! not feeling so well right now, off to bed!
Hi Susan...sorry I've been MIA. Life seems to do that to me often.
Yes, I'd say it's "okay" if you don't talk about it with BF all the time for now. Men need space and time to figure things out in their heads. Just tell him impoortant stuff (doctor appointments, pregnancy problems, etc.) for now, and don't worry about the emotional parts that he needs to deal with. He might come around before baby is born and really be excited. Try to get him to the 20 week u/s for sure. Once baby is here though, if he loves you, he'll be thrilled.
As for you tiring of the pregnancy issue. That's definitely normal and it's not a reflection on how you'll be as a mother. During the 1st trimester especially, it's a tired, daunting experience with very little fun. Are you having a lot of nausea? Once you're showing and feeling better, you will get more excited. If you feel that most of this is from him, then it might be best to limit time spent with him so that you can be happier about the pregnancy. Be around people who will be positive.
Shall we move to the pregnancy board now? I think you've graduated.
NO nausea here so far , yes i think its time to move to the other board. Although i did some research and found out that even though i barely make enough to pay my rent, i dont qualify for any assistance, and he works under the table so i wont get anything there either if we do not stay together. so this is a bit daunting for sure. Now im really scared and unsure if im doing the right thing.
Hi Susan,
That is a frustrating place to be, isn't it? When I was a single parent I qualified for all that stuff, so I didn't check, but maybe a pregnancy center in your area could help with some things, regardless of income? It might be worth checking out, anyway. Let us know if you need help finding a place. There's a form at www.choicetolivewith.com/statelinks.html if you'd like to fill it out and someone here will email you with some places near you. If you're doing what your heart says is the right thing to do, you're doing the right thing. Those other things will somehow fall into place.
At least you're feeling good.
Hi Susan,
Even though he works under the table, the child support will still accrue and eventually he will be made to pay it. I know that doesn't help at the beginning, but the laws are getting tougher now. I'm not sure what it's like where you're at, but here, not paying child support is a felony. It's punishable by up to 4 years in prison! Even irresponsible men don't want a felony on their record. At least most don't. And I know that they are starting to enforce this because it's happening right now to my daughter's dad. And even so, you don't know for sure that he won't support this baby.
Like Chris said, check into local pregnancy centers to see if they can offer any assistance. Also, for the basics, shop rummage sales or used stores. Again, I don't know where you live, but there is a program called WIC and they will give you formula and juices, milk, cheese, peanut butter, etc. And they will do this from pregnancy, not just after the baby is born.
If this is the choice that you know in your heart to be the right one, then everything will fall into place. All a baby really needs is love, food and shelter. You can provide the love and food, and obviously you already have a place to live. If this is what you want, then you CAN make it happen.
We're here for you and want to help in any way that we can - just let us know what you need
Susan,
When you checked into assistance, did you remember to look under a 2-person family? What sort of assistance did you need? WIC will often qualify you even if other agencies won't. Definitely check into pregnancy centers and the help they offer.
She lives in Michigan ladies. Smile So all the state information is available on the site at http://www.choicetolivewith.com/Statelinks/Michigan.html.
Marnie is right that they will go after him if he doesn't pay. Hopefully he will help though on his own.
(((Hugs))) Things will work out. Are you thinking about breastfeeding? That can be cheaper. Showers will help. Things ahve a way of falling into place.
hi all! thanks for all the advice, i did look at the wic thing and i make too much an hour. But i think that God gave me this for a reason and somehow i will make it thru, with or without the father! I guess for some reason in life i have always had to learn lessons the hard way, and im hoping that this will turn out for the best! thanks again for being there for me!
I'll be looking forward to seeing your updates on the pregnancy board soon. Smile I hope you continue to post - we love to follow through the pregnancy and hear all about the new baby!
(((Hugs)))) You will make it through just fine, you're right. You have a wonderful attitude, and that will help too.
That is wonderful Susan Smile
You can do it! Have faith in yourself Smile
Best wishes!!
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