My Story

Im posting this here, because I have made both choices, abortion and parenting.

About 3 years ago, I met one of the founders of this website on another message board. I was pregnant and conflicted. I had just had a baby girl who was just about 7 weeks old when I got pregnant with another child. I looked for support on various message boards. I was convinced abortion was the best option. I met Rose, and she was kind, caring and compassionate. Unfortunately, by the time I met her, I had pretty much made up my mind, without considering any of the after effects....and so I went through with the abortion. For me, it was the worst choice I could have made, but she helped me pick up the pieces.

For reasons I still cant figure out, I stayed in the relationship I was in. I got pregnant again, but lost the baby at 8 weeks. I was convinced that was my punishment, and all I could think about was 'replacing' the baby I just miscarried. Three months later, I was pregnant again. My significant other wasn't happy, but I wouldnt consider abortion at that point. In March of 2005, I had a baby girl, Amaya. At this point, I decided that since Amaya was my 5th child, I would go ahead and schedule my tubal. Its at this point that I have to stress that NO protection is 100%, because when I went for my pre op blood work, I was pregnant. Amaya was only 9 weeks old. I was numb, scared, and all the unsurety of everything came rushing back to me. I flip flopped back and forth with my decision...but decided I couldnt have this baby....I scheduled an appointment, only to learn that my insurance coverage had lapsed ( this is an eerie repeat of my original abortion scenario as the same thing happened then..) so I had to reschedule. Instead of going at 7 weeks, I was going at 12, and that made me uneasy. Still I went. I did my paperwork, they took my blood, I sat with the counselor. I was 100% sure of my choice until I got to the counselor. Even with my game face on that I KNEW I had to do this, she saw through me to my heart, where there was something that ached with this decision. After an hour of counseling, I told her I was sure and that was it. I went upstairs to wait my turn. One by one I saw the other girls go before me. I started feeling dizzy and shaky. I was crying. But I kept saying this was in my best interest, and my kids best interest. Finally it was my turn. I walked into the room with the nurse, and when I got in there, everything went black and fuzzy and I almost passed out. The dr came in to see if I was ok. I wasnt. I was a mess, and unsure. The dr told me that I needed to go home and re think this..that since I passed out, she really couldnt do the procedure that day anyhow..So I got dressed and left. I had NO idea how I was going to handle a sixth child, I had no clue how the babys father would react, but all I did know is that somehow , walking out of there felt right, and I felt free, and as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

Three short weeks later I saw my little baby girl on ultrasound for the first time. Apparently I had a placental bleed, (but I never bled, she swallowed the blood...) that I was unaware of. By the grace of God, it resolved itself. After the fact, I was told that with placental abruptions there is a 50/50 chance of a successful pregnancy. On Feb 28,2006 Alexzandrea Jianna was born 8 lbs 3 oz, 20 inches long, 2 weeks early. And she was perfect.

Sometimes I am completely overwhelmed with emotion when I think I was just seconds away from ending my pregnancy with her. I am so blessed to have her. My life isnt easy, single mom, six kids, i work full time outside the home too...but I'm happy....in some weird, chaotic way, I'm happy...

If this post is in the wrong place, please move to an appropriate place...and if anyone wants to talk, please message me and I will be happy to chat.

Blessings and Wisdom to all

-Lynda