Hi there,
I spent most of the afternoon today looking over this website and reading messages from all of the women who have been ina similar situation as me. First, I just wanted to say that no matter what, it is comforting to know I am not alone. But here is my situation (maybe someone will be able to help me understand what I am feeling):
I am 8 weeks pregnant by my boyfriend of a year. We have had a very rocky relationship, and have been on again off again for a while now. We were pretty much on the verge of breaking up when I found out I was pregnant. It came as a huge surprise to both of us, and we were both back and forth at first about the best thing to do. After the initial shock wore off, he said that he would definitely want to have the child if we were going to be together (he has been talking for a while now about wanting to settle down and have kids soon). But he thought that if we couldn't work things out between us, it would "be better for the child to not grow up in a broken home," so in that case we should have an abortion. But then we talked about it more, and I told him I thought the main thing for a child was that it felt loved by both parents, whether or not they were together, and he agreed, saying he thought the right thing to do would be to have the baby. So we had decided (or so I thought) what we were going to do. Over the past few weeks though, we broke up and got back together twice, and last weekend we got into a huge fight, and he told me he wants me to have an abortion because neither of us are fit to be parents. My problem is that even though I'm not really ready to be a mother, I think I could get ready and be a really great parent. My family would be very supportive also. But I am concerned that he would make my life, and our child's life, a living hell. Plus, even though I'm finished university (I'm 24 and this is my first pregnancy, by the way), I don't have a well paying job, and I don't know how I would do it financially on my own. I want to, but I'm thinking maybe it's selfish to have a baby that I can't care for properly, and one who would be harmed by the dysfunctional relationship between my boyfriend and myself. I've been very depressed about it all, and neither decision seems like the right one. And even though I think adoption can be a very good choice, i know that if I carried to term I would keep the baby.
-alana
Thursday, October 12, 2006
faced with a difficult decision
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16 comments:
Hi Alana,
If you read my posts we are in a pretty similar situation. I am currently 15 weeks pregnant now and its been a very rocky road to say the least. It does seem by reading your message here, that you've already made your decision but just havent realized it fully yet. I too didnt think i could do it on my own, and my boyfriend situation still is less than ideal. But as the others have pointed out to me here, all a baby really needs is love. The rest will come into play, you'll be amazed at the amount of help that will be offered to you (i know i have been) unexpectedly so. But you need to make this decision for yourself, not for your boyfriend or what is "convenient" to him. If you are concerned about him being abusive or making your life miserable, then he doesnt deserve to share in this experience with you at all. Ive come to realize during this time how STRONG we women really are, and are capable of anything we put our minds to! So keep your chin up, and look unto yourself and your heart to make your decision. And know that we are here for you!
How unfair for him to say that you are both unfit to be parents. Talk about putting the cart before the horse so to speak. You sound like an intelligent woman to me who probably has a lot of love to give. While babies cannot grow simply on air and hugs, the task/cost is really not that monumental if you do it smart. Babies dont need brand names and they dont care if you shop at garage sales. I agree with the PP. DONT do something just because he wants you too. If you had already decided that you want your baby, why should an argument with bf change that? I get in fights with my husband but I dont put my kids out in the yard with a "free to a good home" sign when that happens. LOL J/k but the principle is the same. A child can be a blessing even if unplanned. I wish you all the best.
Love, Christine
Hi Alana,
Welcome to the board...what a pretty name. Smile I'm glad you found us.
It really sounds like you want to have this baby hon, and the only reason you are considering abortion is because your ex is demanding you have one. That isn't a reason for you to do something that you do not want to do. It also strikes me that maybe he just said that to hurt you...you said he said it in the midst of a huge fight. People say dumb things that they don't really mean out of anger. Don't act on that hon.
You had a plan in place - one that you were happy with. There's no need to question yourself now just because he's confused. Things could change in the next few weeks/months, and you two may be able to get back together. This is a very stressful time for everone...it's no wonder tempers are flaring. Maybe a break from contact with eachother for a couple of weeks would be a good plan.
There are definitely ways to do this on your own should you need to. I won't go into everything now because we first need to determine that that is indeed what you would like to do. It sounds like you could provide everything your baby needs, and hopefully your ex won't be so difficult to deal with in the future, but if he is, there are things you can do to keep him at a distance.
((((Hugs))))) Post again soon and let us know what your gut is telling you to do. We'll support you no matter what of course, but it just sounds like you were making plans for this little one.
ust wanted to thank you guys for all of your words of encouragement! Christine gave me the first laugh I've had in a while with her analogy about giving kids away ("free to a good home" sign) because of fighting with the father. In a way, I think that my boyfriend would come around eventually, because he does love kids (he even kind of freaked me out in the beginning of our relationship by bringing the topic up right away...talk about a role reversal!). I guess it's just hard for me to not feel resentful about the way he's acting...I know he's scared, but it seems like he's lashing out at me! Anyway, thanks Rose for your advice about taking some time apart. I haven't talked to him since the fight over the weekend (ironically, Thanksgiving weekend for us here in Canada), and I think I'm starting to be able to think a little more clearly without all the pressure. Nice to know too that women like Susan can relate to the whole boyfriend scenario. What's making me kind of sad about it all though is that I'm not happy, and I would really like this to be a happy, positive experience...anyway, like I said, I'm taking some time on my own to get a clear head and decide if abortion is really what I feel is best for my life. Thanks again.
Glad I was able to coax a chuckle out of ya. I sometimes think of myself as the resident "comic relief" here at CTLW. LOL Sometimes when life gets you down and you feel like the whole world is caving in around you, laughter helps clear your head...Kinda puts our minor problems into perspective. There are so many people that suffer so much worse than we do. I do hope you take time to consider and ponder and pray perhaps...Follow your heart. Your head will often become overwhelmed and can lead you astray. I have yet to talk to a woman who regretted following her heart. Head yes, heart no. Remember, the darkest hour is always just before dawn. Keep your chin up. (((hugs and aloha)))
Well, the BF called last night, and against my better judgement I talked to him for a while Confused ...the conversation basically consisted of him trying to convince me why ab is "the right thing to do in our situation" and that he feels 100% sure in his heart. Tough to hear right now. He told me about a girl he works with who had one and was glad because she knows she made the right decision....when I countered that maybe it was right for her, but wouldn't be for me, he said, "but she's so much like you, I know it would be the same." I'm trying to think objectively about it and take all these things into consideration. He's right that neither of us are in a good financial situation, but to me, that can change. I mean, I've been trying to get a writing career on the go since I got my degree, but so far it's hard to make a decent living. The (ex, I guess) BF says we should think about the present, about RIGHT NOW and not the future when it comes to stuff like money. But I can't help but think that if I go through with it and then land a good job or something I'd be sorry. I guess the worst part is that since I'm almost 9 weeks, I have to make the choice right away..time is running out. Maybe the best thing to do is to schedule an appointment for time's sake (there's usually at least a week waiting period here) and then decide in the meantime. I don't know. It's just hard to be so back and forth...and when I mentioned to him how unfair it is that we sort of decided a few weeks ago to have the baby even if we weren't together, he said "I'm so sorry I gave you false hope." He seems to think that the consequences from the ab will only "last a while" compared to the consequences of having a child. But I guess I know better. What seems to be going through my head now is that I know it would be hurtful to me, but maybe I should psych myself up to make that sacrifice if it is for the best (?).
Abortion is by no means the same for every woman. It is a major medical procedure with very real physical and psychological risk factors involved. It is not like getting a tooth pulled. Even women who claim to not be bothered by an abortion, when push comes to shove will admit that there was some personal loss involved. Whether that loss means a baby, a potential child, or at the very least a bunch of cells from your body it will have consequences. You should NEVER psych yourself into a harmful decision no matter what the reason. No need to make a martyr of yourself for his sake. Have you researchd adoption? The bf need not be involved and you can give your child a chance to have things that perhaps you feel you are not able to offer him/her at this point in your life. Open adoption allows you some degree of involvement and helps ease the transition. It also frees you (and bf) to pursue your own individual hopes and dreams without the responsibility of a child. You also won't have the guilt that can often come after an abortion (especially one you didnt want to have to begin with). At least ask the questions. Most reputable agencies will help you with any medical and living expenses up to and including the birth. They also will provide ongoing counseling for as long as you feel it is necessary. I am both post abortive and a birthmom. When I look back, I realise that hindsight is always 20/20. When asked to compare my levels of personal pain and discomfort, I would say the abortion was far more painful and harder to bounce back from. The adoption process was long and agonizing but the peace I felt after was surreal. I don't mean to pressure you but only to encourage you to not limit your options so quickly. Best of luck. (((hugs)))
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The (ex, I guess) BF says we should think about the present, about RIGHT NOW and not the future when it comes to stuff like money.
You should absolutely think about the future. Things will change hon. Most likely, you'll be in a better place financially in a few years, and you're right, you'll probably look back and wonder what could've been. "This too shall pass" definitely has a place here.
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Maybe the best thing to do is to schedule an appointment for time's sake (there's usually at least a week waiting period here) and then decide in the meantime.
I'd really advise against this. Usually what we see happens is that the pressure of the "deadline" stresses you out even more, and you end up burying your head and going through the appointment even though you aren't sure. Then you have a hard time after and wonder why you didn't say no.
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What seems to be going through my head now is that I know it would be hurtful to me, but maybe I should psych myself up to make that sacrifice if it is for the best (?).
Who are you sacrificing yourself for? Just a couple of weeks ago, you were excited and looking forward to this baby. Now that he has decided he doesn't want it, you all of a sudden are expected to lay down and take it? Who is that the best for? The one that makes it out unscathed is your ex. He's looking out for himself and being as manipulative as he can so that you will cave. It won't serve anyone but him. Your child and you would be happy together hon...and you would be able to provide for him or her.
Please don't sacrifice yourself hon...if that's the way you're feeling about it now, that doesn't bode well for you in the future - when he is gone, and your lives move on. It isn't worth it to do that to yourself when you so obviously want to have this baby. ((((Hugs)))) Post again soon, and let us know how you're doing. Can I look into any assistance for you? Pregnancy centers, government aide? Etc?
Hi there Alana. My name is Sarah and we have some similarities in our situation. My BF was dead set on abortion. And in the end i just couldnt be with him because it was clouding my judgment. As soon as i got to thnik about it, i saw that i really did want my baby. And i told him that that's what i was going to do and he could decide what he wanted. He eventually came around in a big way and we are getting married in 5 months. So i think you have to really make a stand for what YOU want, whatever that may be, and do it because it's what YOU want. I know it's harder than it sounds though! Best of luck!
Hi everyone!
The last few days were very intense for me...I spent so much time and energy trying to figure out what's "the best thing to do." And I've be EXTREMELY emotional; I'm sure it's probably the combination of an incredibly stressful situation on top of my raging hormones. But I've listened to my intuition (and the great advice by sarah and rose) to give it some time on my own and take a breather from my BF. So over the last couple days I've dodged his calls and just gone for long walks, etc. And today I made my decision. Actually, I think Susan was right when she said that it sounded like I already made my decision and just hadn't realized yet, because today I felt like I realized I do really want this baby. Maybe it's not an ideal situation, but few circumstances are. Anyway, just wanted to let you all know that I have reached the realization that I feel 100% about in my heart, and it seems like a huge weight has been lifted from me. Thank you so much for your kindness. I really needed someone to talk to. And I'm hoping as time goes on you'll all have pointers for me about how to save money and how to break the news to people, etc. But for now I just wanted to let you know that I'm having this baby after all and I finally feel some peace.
Congratulations on having made your decision! It sounds like you are happy and at peace with it - I'm so happy for you. I'm sure you feel like a huge weight has been lifted. We will, of course, be here while you go through the pregnancy and will help you as much as we can however you need it.
Good girl for making a stand for you! I am so proud. I hope all goes well for you and I trust we will see you again on the "pregnancy" board! (((hugs))) and congratulations.
Hi Alana. Smile How are things going for you now that you've made your decision? Sometimes they get easier, and sometimes it's harder. Have you told your ex yet? Anyone else? I'm glad you feel peace hon! I can't wait to read your pregnancy updates soon!
_________________
Love,
Rose
Founder of www.choicetolivewith.com
Luckily, things seem to be falling into place for me now that I've made a decision. I kind of thought they would, because I was finding the stress from not being able to choose really taxing. I told my BF the other night, and he was a little angry at first, saying it should be his decision too, he had rights too, etc. I think he was expecting to sway me, and acted a tad like a spoiled child when he found out I wasn't going to budge. But last night he called to say that he's been thinking everything over and is now feeling really positive about it and thinks it could be the best thing that ever happened to him (?!). So I guess he's going to come around. And men say that women are fickle! Wink
Anyway, I have a checkup tomorrow (over 9 weeks now) and an ultrasound coming up at the end of the month, so I'll post on the pregnancy board and let you know how everything goes. Thanks for all your support.
Isn't it amazing how quickly they can change their minds? I always say that often it just takes you being firm and unwavering, and once that happens, they realize that they have to really consider this. Before that, they let panic get the better of them and don't really think far down the parenting path.
Can't wait to hear about your update!
im glad you were able to make a choice you wanted....i was in your situation as well only it was with my husband....it was a hard choice but im thankful that i have made the decision to have this baby....
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