Hi everyone,
So excited for the new moms out there! Just wanted to let you all know(remember me from the abortion posts a couple months back?) that my pregnancy's going great-16 weeks already! Things are still rocky with the BF, but he's at least very committed to be an involved dad, so that's the main thing. I've got an ultrasound coming up just before Christmas...still trying to decide if we're going to find out gender (he wants to, I'm not really sure, kinda like the idea of being surprised). Anyone feel it's better one way or another? We'd both be happy either way....also, is it ok that I haven't really gained any weight yet? I'm pretty small to begin with, but my doc doesn't seem to think it's a big deal, as long as I'm eating healthy and start to gain from here on in. Sure that won't be a problem with the holidays around the corner 
- alana
Saturday, December 2, 2006
a long overdue update
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29 comments:
So happy to hear you are doing well. Have a very merry Christmas and take care of the "peanut". (((hugs))) and aloha from Hawaii.
Hey sweetie...did you have the ultrasound? Did you find out what you're carrying in there?? Please update. I apologize for not responding sooner. I always think it's helpful to know what you're having beforehand so that you can get gender-specific stuff. You'll still be surprised...just a little earlier. Wink
No weight gain isn't a huge deal, since baby gets what it needs first. So you're probably losing while s/he is gaining. Soon you'll both be gaining. I gained a huge 10 pounds in the first trimester...then nothing until I hit like 32 weeks when I gained a lot more. Like you said, holiday's are here to help you with this...lol.
Hey Guys! Had the ultrasound yesterday....it's a girl!!!!!!!! Had more good news too with the results of the screening--everything looks normal and healthy, no sign of any gentic abnormalities or anything (my maternal aunt has a baby with down's syndrome, so they were testing to be on the safe side). What a Christmas present! Hope everyone has a great holiday. I'll post again soon.
That is just fabulous Alana. Smile Congratulations on finding out it's a girl. Any names you like? Girls are so much fun! I'm so glad she looks healthy. That has to be a major relief. Smile ((((Hugs)))) Merry Christmas!
That is a great Christmas present Alana! So glad that everything is fine. Keep us updated!!
So, I had a doctor's app today, and everything was fine, baby's ok, etc. 28 weeks already! It really hit me when I was booking my next app and the receptionist said, "we'll see you in 2 weeks" instead of every 4 weeks that I've been going to so far. Anxious
Problem is, I'm starting to panic in a major way! I know a certain degree of that is normal, and I've had married friends with planned pregnancies that even go through that. But I'm just starting to question whether I can really do this all on my own.....I recently had a major row with my bf (over the phone-he's working in another province) and he basically told me he wants nothing to do with the situation and blames me entirely for everything. Part of me thinks that I can get through this, and be a great single mom, especially with the help of my family. I actually have an aunt who just moved from across the country who happens to be a lactation consultant and has attended scores of births, so that's reassuring in a way. But another part of me is thinking, What the hell am I doing? I can't even take care of myself properly, let alone provide for a child. Maybe it would be better for her to be placed with two loving parents that are more stable, emotionally and financially? I just don't know.....am I being selfish for wanting to parent when my baby might be better off with another family?
You are not being selfish. You are wanting what is best for your child, a loving home. And the fact that you want what's best for your child already makes you a great mom. There do not need to be two parents involved for a child to be happy. In fact, having two parents around is less and less common these days. All your baby needs is one parent who loves him/her very much, which it is obvious you do.
It is VERY normal at this stage to be going through these feelings of second-guessing yourself and having cold feet. I mean, having a baby is a scary thing, much less having to do it yourself! I remember when I was pregnant with my first, it was unplanned and I was alone. I remember thinking I was being selfish for wanting her for myself and thinking I might be making the wrong choice. After she was born I never once doubted myself or wished I had done something different.
Have you started buying baby things yet? Crib, car seat, bottles, etc.? Sometimes going to look at those things or getting some things that you know you'll need regardless of the baby's sex can help you get excited about it. It's fun to picture your little one using whatever item it is. That helped me get excited.
Don't worry, it will turn out fine, and you can do it without your bf, if he's being such a jerk. Who knows, he might come around after baby comes, anyway.
Gosh yes...that is SO normal to be feeling. You're not selfish hon. You are going to be an awesome mom because you're already concerned for your child's well-being. It would be so hard to go through this alone, especially since you don't know how you're going to feel as a mother and how well you're going to do, but I can assure you that once that baby is here, you're going to know just what she needs.
Like you said, you have the support of your family...awesome! You might end up with support from the father. A lot of men change when the baby is born, but some don't.
No one is ever ready - emotionally or financially - for the birth of a child. Well...maybe a millionaire I guess. Razz No one normal...lol. You are going to do great, and your concerns are perfectly normal. ((((Hugs)))) and belly rubs!!!!!
wow! 28 weeks already! times sure moving fast isnt it?! Of course you can do this, millions of women do it, and all survive! Im still plucking away with Mark but am prepared mentally to do this on my own as well if need be. The more time ticks away for me the more confident i feel, you will be a wonderful mother, and sounds like the aunt specialist will be a huge benefit to you as well! keep your chin up! now we just have to get thru delivery!!! Pray
Thanks guys for all your support! I've always been kind of a worrier type and of course with all the emotions and hormones and stress of pregnancy....well, I'm sure everyone goes through a similar state at some point or other. I'm kind of taking Susan's approach, that I'm hoping things will pan out with my bf, but preparing to do it on my own if need be. That way, instead of being devestated if he doesn't step up, I'll be happy if things do work out. And I'm pretty sure when push comes to shove he'll be a hands-on dad.
Thanks for your advice Chriss about buying baby stuff....I really don't have anything yet, which is not only hindering my excitement but also making me feel totally unprepared. I've been holding off because I'm getting a lot of hand-me-downs from friends and relatives who are sort of slack, and I'm the kind of person who's too shy to really "remind" them. But I think in the mean time I'll pick up a few cute things just to get me in that mind frame. Rose, do you (or anyone else for that matter) have any tips about trying to do it all on a budget? Has anyone used the dreaded cloth diapers? I have a family member who didn't end up using hers, and since I'm kind of environmentally-minded I've been thinking about it....although I'd probably end up using disposable too at least some of the time. Thanks so much, it's so reassuring to have a resource like this and to be able to share with women who can understand what I'm dealing with.
Coupons, garage sales, thrift stores, and yes, even cloth diapers can all save you money in the long run. Don't spend a lot of money on fancy stuff that you won't ever need. The child doesn't need a swing, a bouncer AND an entertainment saucer! Try getting the one that they will get the longest use out of, not the one that looks the coolest. Clothes are something that you really don't need to go crazy on. They outrgrow them sooo fast! Get a few in each size, and lots of washing soap. Bibs will save the outfits. Never leave home without em. Also, see if your area has a bartering website similar to freecycle. You can post what you need and someone will give it too you. Good luck sweetie and congratulations.
Cloth diapers are a great way to save money - if you have your own washer and dryer. As you could probably imagine, it would cost a lot to go to the laundromat to wash diapers, and time consuming too! Cloth diapers have come a long way too! They now make these cool covers made of lambskin or something that are virtually waterproof that velcro the diapers on. No more pins! I would look into just buying the diapers and covers and washing yourself, rather than buying into a diaper service. They can be pretty pricy.
Rummage sales are a great way to get things you need cheap. However, if you get anything like a crib, walker, car seat, swing, etc, check to make sure that item has not been recalled at some point. A really good investment is a pack n play (or that sort) of playpen/crib. The really good ones have the sling part that you can use for a crib when baby is small. It's good to use in place of crib/playpen and you can pack it up and take it with you if you are going visiting.
Thanks for all your tips. Over the weekend I had a friend give me a bunch of maternity clothes and baby clothes, so I'm havng fun going through that today. Very Happy I'll be sure to check out garage/rummage sales in my area too. Just out of curiosity, since you guys are all more experienced in this department than me, is there anything that you found you really didn't need or could do without? I know sometimes people splash out lots of money on something that the baby doesn't even like, or that they don't end up using.....I think Christine's advice about not going crazy with clothes makes sense, since babies grow so fast. Also, is a breast pump really a necessity if I'm planning to breastfeed? Some people are telling me I'll need one, others say only if I have to go back to work right away, so I'm not sure.
Hi Alana,
I'm going to stick my nose in here too....first, congratulations on your upcoming baby! : ) I think everyone goes through a phase where they are nervous as heck and wonder what they are doing having a baby. Heck, with my first, I was sent to the hospital at 36 weeks to have him and I was freaking out and having second thoughts even then!
You had asked what things people thought were useless so here is my list of "useless" items (in my opinion): diaper genie, bed sets (the ones that come with bumpers, quilts, etc. that cost upward of $500 a set)- they are now saying that you shouldn't use a bumper for infants at all- when I had #1 3 years ago, they said you needed them, but now they say NO! The quilts are useless as well, if you don't have a crib, a pack n play can double as a crib for a while. Really, you don't need a lot of things...I know that when I had my first, we went to Babies R Us and they gave us this huge list of things you "had" to have and most of them we never used! Oh, and shoes- they never wear them and a lot of people go crazy on buying their newborn shoes. Or cute fancy outfits- they can get by on onesies, sleepers, etc. for quite a long time! Baby food warmers, bottle sterilizers, special bottle racks for drying, bottle warmers (unless you are bottle feeding, then I hear they are very helpful), wipe warmers (although some people will argue with me on that), changing table (nice when they are first born, but as they get older it gets harder to change them on one), hmmmm....I'm sure there's a lot more. I'm sure you get the picture though.
I think a breast pump is a must have if you are nursing. You do not have to get the hospital grade electric ones, they have less expensive, manual ones that work well. I have the Avent Isis manual one and it works fine. If you are not planning on nursing, then you don't need one. Also, if you are planning on nursing, you don't need to go and buy tons of bottles or bottle accessories. My daughter is almost 11 months old and I only have 1 bottle for her, which we have never used.
I'm sure there are a million things that we had bought for our first but found useless but now they are slipping my mind. You really don't need a whole lot for a baby.
Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy! : )
Hi Alana Smile
I used cloth diapers for my DD - but only after she was 1 year old. At that point, I needed 6 cloth diapers (I bought Fuzzibun brand) to get me through the day, and they worked great. Let me know if you have any questions about them. I don't think I'll be doing it with DS though - I can buy diapers cheap enough when I buy them on sale with coupons.
Trina gave you some great ideas on what is not needed. Although I would argue the wipe warmer...lol. I love mine! One essential is the Boppy pillow if you are going to nurse. Otherwise, we didn't really do much. I don't have a breast pump, but I work at home. I don't feel you'd need one, but that's a personal preference probably. Give it 6 weeks without one and then see if you want it. Don't waste money on slings or carriers...the dang things never work quite right. I have a swing and a play mat that are pretty essential. You don't really need a bassinet. I do use my bouncy seat. My DS sleeps with us and so we don't need a lot of the bedding stuff. His crib is more for play time.
I'll think about it and see if I can think of more. Wink (((Hugs!)))
I really, really need some words of wisdom from any of you ladies who have gotten out of an abusive relationship, or who can help me see what I can do at this point.
My boyfriend and I had a very disturbing fight last night (by phone; he's still working in another province) and I've come to the conclusion that I need to get out! But, like anyone who's been there, done that knows, ending things for good is easier said than done, especially with a child involved. I guess I'm fortunate that he is away--I'll be able to branch out on my own without him hindering me in the process. But my problems are mainly that I want to foster a good realtionship between him and our daughter, and I don't know how to do that with the way things are going. I don't think he would ever hurt her, but I think he's capable of hurting me....last night he demanded that I "tell him the truth" about the pregnancy, and became enraged when I denied getting pregnant on purpose (!!!!!!) as he seems to think. He called me every name in the book, said he was going to make my life miserable, and even threatened to get on a plane just so he could come back to kill me. And the crazy thing is that the night before, we stayed up really late making plans for when he comes back, for touring the hospital and working out a travel route for when I go into labour, etc. And he was the most gentle, kind man. What is wrong with me? How can I still love someone who hurts me so much? But obviously, I need to be away from him. Emotional issues aside, how should I go about this with the baby? Is it in her best interest to have a relationship with her father? I also can't afford to live on my own for the next while since I'll be out of work, and my benefits aren't enough to make ends meet with housing, etc., so there's that to consider....and I really don't think I can handle all the drama of lawyers and courts and everything at this point.......
I guess I should just be thankful that this is happening now, and not when the baby is here to see it. But I feel so alone and broken hearted and really just helpless. I wish I could be more positive. I set up an appointment this morning with a counselor, but it will be three weeks before I can see anyone, and I just really need to have someone to talk to. Sorry for the soap opera!
I"m so sorry to hear about your bf problems. Very scary, and yet, sad too, because part of your life that you were comfortable with is coming to an end. Been there, done that! The first thing I would advise you to do is get a restraining order against him. As for financially, have you looked into all the programs available to you as a single mom?
Unfortunately, unless he does something to the baby, even if you can get a restraining order for yourself, the judge will say that there is no threat to the baby and he should be able to see her as any other father would. Learned that one the hard way! It didn't make much sense to me that the father would be threatening to kill me, but he should be considered a good father until he hurt them! So you really don't have much of a say in what kind of relationship he has with her. But on your end, never ever badmouth him in front of her, no matter what he does or how mad at him you are. That will help her with her relationship with him. She can make up her own mind about her father. Kids are very intuitive.
Where are you living now? Do you share your home with him? If so, I would start looking around for a new place to live, so you could be moved out by the time he comes back. I'm not sure about in Canada, but there are programs here in the states that will help with rent, etc.
I know how hard this is/will be for you. I was married to a guy for 7 years and we had two kids together. He was always somewhat abusive and controlling (just enough that it didn't feel *too* wrong). We were on again, off again most of that 7 years. At one point he moved to another state to live with his mom and at that point he started talking about killing me and my family so I had to get a restraining order against him. I finally got enough guts (brains?) to divorce him. He's still a jerk, and not all that great with the boys either, but I don't have to see him all that much. But during those 7 years, even though he was a jerk, I had to keep trying to make my marriage work so I would know that it wasn't me and that I did everything I could to make my marriage work.
I'm not sure what's up with him, being loving one minute and enraged the next. I'm sure he's nervous about this pregnancy and being a father, but really, I've been pretty ticked off at times, but never, ever have I had the urge to tell someone I would kill them! There's something more serious here than just nervousness or stress.
Let me know specifically what you need help with and I will do my best to point you in the right direction. We're here for you!!
Has this been a pattern with him over time, or just recently? It seems odd that he would be a sweet, kind, gentle man and all of a sudden go over the edge?? Could drugs or alcohol have played a factor in the fight last night?
If you feel as though your well-being is being threatened, get a restraining order. I would definitely advise you to put some space between the two of you (sounds like it's not a problem with him living far away from you).
There are programs available to help with housing if you need it. I would recommend calling the Dept. of Social Services or Family Services- or whatever it's called in Canada. Something to that extent. See what your options are. Do you have anyone you could live with temporarily? Family? Friends? Just until you can figure things out?
Setting up an appointment with a counselor was a good idea. If things get too bad between now and your appointment, I would call again and tell them it's an emergency or ask for a referral to a counselor that could see you more immediately. Most counselors schedule blocks of time throughout the day for emergencies.
If there is anything we can help you with, let us know!
Thanks for your support. Marnie, I know what you mean about wanting to stay in the realtionship to do everything you can to make it work, and not wanting it to be your fault. To answer your question tw78, yes there have been patterns with him over time....there have been so many times he's lost his temper and said hurtful things that I "decided" it was over, only to have him turn around and treat me like gold. And the crazy thing is that I know I'm smarter than that, but I guess it's because it was never "that bad" with him that I would make excuses. No, alcohol and drugs don't play a factor here, just a lot of anger and trust issues leading to the instability.
I'm going to be staying with my mom for the next little while, but the situation pretty much has to be temporary because not only does she live fairly close to my bf, she lives with my younger brother in a small apartment, and I don't want to keep them up all the time with a little newborn crying. So I'm in a jam financially....and yes, in Canada I could apply for assistance. But first they would insist that a child support order be in place, and because we aren't married that would require a paternity test, etc. I know a lot of people have to go through all this, but it just feels like it's too much to handle right now.
As it stands now, I don't think he's going to want to be involved with our daughter. It seems like he only cares about being in the picture IF we're going to stay together....but no, I believe she deserves to have a dad, and I'm definitely mature enough to try to work with him in that respect, without hurting her in the process by speaking badly about him.
I guess, specifically, what I need help with at this point is trying to find some assistance before she's born and all the court stuff takes place. I know things are different in Canada, so maybe no one will know, but it just seems like every resource I've tried tells me to wait until she's born, have the DNA test, then go to court for child support, THEN apply for assistance. But in the meantime, I need help with things like finding housing, getting furniture, etc. I keep running into the same problem, that I'm not quite young enough or poor enough to qualify for most programs, and most of the people I've talked to make it clear that they don't have much sympathy for my situation (apparently, someone with my background and education "should" be able to make it on my own, the system wasn't designed for people like me, etc.). My family is helping me as much as they can, but financially they can't do everything. Any advice on that end?
Thanks for all your help, and to you Marnie for sharing your story. It always helps to know others understand from experience what I'm going through, even though I'm sorry you had to go through it yourself.
Wow Alana - I'm sorry it's so difficult in Canada to get any help! Here in the states, as soon as a woman finds out she's pregnant, there are a ton of programs to help out. Of course, there is a financial cap to most of the programs, but a single pregnant person usually will be able to find *some* help.
I'm having a hard time understanding the mentality behind needing to have a support order in place before offering any assistance - I mean, you're pregnant, and even if you didn't know who the father was, it wouldn't change the fact that you're pregnant and need some assistance! But that's neither here nor there, since apparently it is the way it works there and nothing we can do about it Sad
I have to admit that I know nothing about what's available to you. Do you have WIC? Do you have Pregnancy Resource Centers? Either of those would be a good starting point.
Do you have any other family members who might take you in? Someone with a little more room? Maybe even just until the baby is born and you can get the DNA testing done so you can get assistance.
I sure hope you can find someone who will help - that will make things a little easier anyway.
I agree with Marnie that a pregnancy center would be a great place to start. They often are familiar with your laws and programs and can direct you to what you need to do to get some assistance. They also often have baby furniture, clothes, and other things you'll need for baby. You can fill out the form here to have me look up the location of nearby centers for you.
Who have you talked to that has been than rude to you? I'm so sorry that you've had a hard time with certain people.
I'm trying to get onto the Canadabenefits.gc.ca site right now, but it won't load for me for some reason. I'll let you know if I find anything there.
Thanks for offering to help me track down some resources. I haven't looked into pregnancy centres as much as I could have....I talked to a woman at one near where I live and got the impression that it was rather pushy with that particular religion, so I've kind of shyed away from those types of centres. But I know I should keep an open mind, so I'm going to fill out that form that you provided a link for, Rose. And I should clarify that most of the people I've talked to have been quite nice and responsive, even if they couldn't help me much. The only rude people I've encountered are from the government agencies, specifically, from the social assistance program. The attitude I've gotten there has surprised me since I really don't make very much money (most months I'm lucky to clear $1500, and yes, that's even full-time hours!), but they have pointed out that I'm in a better position than most of their "clients" because I have the advantage of being a university graduate. The area where I live, however, is chock-full of cab drivers and waitresses with degrees, so unfortunately it's no guarantee of a high income.
On a positive note, I got an email from my bf saying he wants to be involved with the baby and will step-up financially even if we're not together. But, the only drawback is that he's requesting I work out child support with him privately to avoid all the stress and expense of courts and lawyers, paternity tests, etc. On one hand I would really like to keep things simple, but at the same time I'm thinking maybe I should have the security of a legal support order. Any advice?
Thanks for everyone's support....it's been an incredible lifeline for me.
I would not set up child support privately. First, they have a system of figuring out the $ amount that is fair for both and will provide adequately for the child. Second, if he stops paying, you have no recourse. If you're going through FOC and he stops paying, they will go after him. If you don't go through FOC and he stops paying, all you can do is nag him to pay you. Given the way he has been so far in this pregnancy, I'm not sure if you should trust that he is going to pay. Every time I've seen someone wanting to stay out of court and pay on his own, it was because he had no intention of paying, or not paying all the time anyway.
It takes more time and hassle (initially) to go through the courts, but you will be better off for it. You need that money to help with this baby, and as the father he needs to be the one to pay it.
I agree...it'd be different if you had a large amount of trust in him, but he hasn't proven himself very trustworthy from what I've heard. Of course, you could always just sue him for child support legally the instant he "forgets" to pay, but then, why put yourself out that way. Paying is paying...he shouldn't mind it either way right?
I sent you some info on the pregnancy centers nearby. I know what you mean about some of them being "pushy." You know what though, you can just listen and politely say "no thanks" and they still should help out. But hopefully some of the other centers won't be that way. I don't like it when help has strings attached...especially when it has to do with something as personal as making someone believe in a particular faith. I'm Christian, but I'll help anyone regardless. Smile I hope you find a center that will do that as well. Will you let us know?
Hi everyone!
Just wanted to let you all know about my little miracle baby! I wasn't due until May 18, but Thursday morning at 3 I felt my water break and contractions start. I called the nurse at the hospital's emergency line, who said, "just try to get some rest, you'll need it later, since it's your first baby you're probably going to have a pretty long labour", etc. She told me just to come to the hospital in the morning, when I already had an appointment scheduled, to get checked out. Well, as it turns out, she couldn't have been more wrong!
Over the next few hours, I went through some fairly tough cramping, but I still thought I had tons of time left to go. It wasn't until about 7 that I realized things were progressing really fast, and I got my mom to call my boyfriend (who just got back from out west the weekend before) to come and take me to the hospital. Once he saw the state I was in, he wasted no time at all driving, with me in the passenger side grunting through what I now realize was the transition phase. We live about 45 minuted from the hospital....and he started asking, "are you sure we can make it, are you going to have the baby?" Well, because of all the reading I had done and what the nurse had told me about first pregnancies, I thought I must be in for hours more of the same contractions, so I said yes, we can make it to the hospital. Lucky for me he realized my contractions were getting so close together I was going to have the baby right there in his car before we could make it to the hospital, and he called 911. We met up with an ambulance about 15 minuted from the hospital, and I was only in there for a minute when baby came out! Seriously, the paramedics barely had time to get my pants off!
I don't mean to rub it in for moms who have been through nightmarish labours and deliveries, but wow! I was on such a natural high, no drugs or anything, and I pretty much farted her out at 8am. So, 5 hrs. from start to finish...not too bad huh?
Being a mother is the most incredible experience ever.....something that transcends what I always knew it would be. What a blessing that I might not have had in my life. Thanks to everyone here, your encouragement has meant a lot. She hasn't been officially named yet, but my boyfriend suggested Mikayla, which I thought was really pretty, and when I looked up the meaning and origin I realized it meant 'gift from God.' I can't think of anything more true.
Oh my goodness! What an amazing story! jawdrop
Usually first births take awhile, but not always, as you now know. Razz Next time you'll know to leave for the hospital earlier I guess. LOL
I'm so glad you are enjoying motherhood...it is something beautiful, isn't it? I'm glad you are able to experience it. Mikayla is a beautiful name. Smile Please update us again soon hon. Congratulations!!!!!!
Congrats Alana - on both the easy labor and the awesome baby girl! Keep us posted on how she (and you!) are doing!
Congratulations, Alana! Glad to hear everyone's doing well!
Congratulations! I am jealous...I had 24 hrs of labor and a c-section with my first child... Rolling Eyes I am happy for you and your new little one. God's blessings to all of you.
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