I’m new to this forum and like many others, I’m sure, never ever thought I would be here.
Three nights ago I found out I was expecting and I’m still having great difficulty accepting that it’s true. Yesterday morning, I made an appointment to terminate the pregnancy and now I’m having a meltdown.
I’m 35 years old, am emotionally and mentally stable yet the range of feelings I’m experiencing is frightening …. at the moment I feel like I can’t breathe and there is no way out. The father (wow, that’s the first time I’ve referred to him as that .. tears are really flowing now) is the same age as I and is also stable in life. We are unmarried and have known each other for the past two years.
I have always been careful (actually, paranoid is a better word) about birth control so I was shocked to learn I was expecting. I knew from the moment I found out that I didn’t want this pregnancy, but I was terrified to admit it to the father (let’s call him ‘MB'). He is Catholic and although we have never discussed abortion, I know his views on several other ‘controversial’ topics and would have guessed his opinion on this would be vastly different from mine. When he found out I was pregnant, he was very supportive, keeping his opinions to himself until I told him that I didn’t want to see this through or to have a child. Only then did I learn he feels the same way, which was an incredible relief to me.
We talked about where we are in life, what we want for our futures and we are in complete agreement about the only possible outcome of this situation. Why then am I feeling so distraught and like I’m about to lose my mind?? I’m guessing that my feelings are completely normal but I can’t seem to get it together. I couldn’t even bring myself to go to work yesterday and today I was there in body only.
My feelings of guilt and shame are overwhelming. I can’t bear to face friends/co-workers/ family right now because I feel like a fraud. I feel that if they knew about the scheduled abortion, they would lose all respect for me. The night before last, I had dinner with my mom (wanted to cancel but couldn’t). I couldn’t look her in the eye because I was so certain she would see right through me and tell me what a horribly selfish person I’m being. I feel like a terrible disappointment as a daughter.
I have no one I can confide in except for MB but I’m also sensitive to the fact that he is dealing with his own feelings and I don’t want to burden him. I’m sure that when this is resolved, he and I will lead our respective lives and our current friendship, which is so precious to me, will come to an end. To be honest, I think that’s actually my preference as looking in his eyes will be a constant reminder of what we have done. However that’s the least of my worries right now - I’ll deal with that when the time comes.
I don’t for a second doubt my decision – I just don’t know how to handle the feelings inside. I can’t stop crying and I want to lash out and scream and vent. I know that won’t solve the problem – I just don’t know how else to cope. My conscience is killing me and I’m trying to reconcile the fact that there is a life growing inside of me and I’m making the decision to end it. Who am I to play God and will I ever be forgiven?? Do I even deserve forgiveness?? The pain I’m feeling is overwhelming and I can’t help but believe that it’s God’s punishment for me and that I deserve to suffer for my actions.
March 27th is the date this pregnancy will be terminated. Two weeks seems like an eternity to me and I don’t know how I will last without going insane. In fact, for someone who earlier in this message professed to be mentally stable, I feel anything but right now. In a very short amount of time, it seems like my life has fallen apart and I’m really struggling to get through each hour.
I guess the reason for my post is to (A) have an outlet to write candidly about how I feel while maintaining my anonymity; (B) to share my experience and not feel so alone (hopefully my post will do the same for others); and (C) perhaps get advice/support from someone who understands.
My thoughts and prayers go out to everyone on this site.
-SOS2007
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
How do I cope??
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19 comments:
Hi hon and welcome! I just want to say that I feel for you (especially when it comes to the paranoia). I have just a couple of ?'s for you if you don't mind. What are your thoughts for the future and have you considered your other option? Open adoption is a viable option that a) will be less likely to burden you with so much guilt, b) not conflict with his religious beliefs, and c) can be a liberating/empowering experience. You could both acknowledge your mistakes, work together to form a plan for this child's life, and give him/her as well as yourselves a much brighter future. There is nothing wrong with you. Hormones, fear, guilt, sadness, shock etc are all part of this situation...They kinda go with the territory. I applaud you for making the appt farther out so you have time to contemplate...Venting is also good, and no matter what the final outcome, you have support here. Even though you are 35, I think that perhaps having your mom on board would be good...Unless you don't get along or if you think she would be emotionally abusive when hearing of your decision. I am also curious about one more thing. If you were 100% sure you didnt want children, why didn't you get your tubes tied? Not a judgement just wondering...If you could share more about why this pregnancy is so devastating, it might help us to better address any needs, or fears you have. My prayers are with you.
Hi Christine and thank you for your note. I have to admit, I was relieved to see a response as it helps to not feel so alone.
I certainly don’t mind your questions – in fact I welcome them as it seems you are asking me many of the same things I’ve repeatedly asked myself over the last few days.
With respect to the future, I would like to continue to travel (I’ve been fortunate enough to do a lot of it recently and I love it with a passion). I would also like to make a career change although I’m not sure just yet of the direction I want to go – I may even go back to school. With respect to family and children, that’s a little less clear for me. I’ve gone through periods in my life where I thought I wanted those things but those feelings never seem to last. Truth be told, I’m content with my life as it relates to that and I really can’t imagine changing it. I value my space and freedom too much.
I have thought briefly about adoption but that is definitely not an option for me. I do love children and I know I don’t have it in me to carry a child to term and then hand it over to someone else. I would forever wonder where the child is, what kind of life were they given, how did the adoption impact the child’s life, beliefs, feelings, etc, etc, etc. Again, I know this is incredibly selfish of me given the number of couples that want, but cannot have, children of their own.
Regarding your question about why this pregnancy is so devastating .... this requires some thought as I’ve been asking myself the same question. As I said before, MB and I are both 35, educated, intelligent and stable (although you’d never guess that last one by my posts). We are also the best of friends and know each other so very well. So it should seem logical that we both step up and work together to provide this child with the wonderful life it deserves ... perhaps we would both find a joy that we never imagined possible. Now the flip side .... one of the reasons we get along so well is that we are very similar in our desire for personal space and freedom. There have never been any expectations on either side and neither of us make demands of the other. I truly value and appreciate that aspect of our ‘relationship’.
The other factor contributing to my decision is my upbringing and my family. For all intents and purposes, I was born to a single mom. She was 17 and married to my dad but he was rarely around. I idolized him and like every child, wanted my mom and dad together but it wasn’t to be. My mom, brother and I bounced around a lot and I had a couple of potential ‘step fathers’ before mom settled down with the man I consider my ‘dad’. During those tumultuous years, I went through a lot. My biological father died when I was 11, between the ages of 9 and 12 I was frequently molested by an uncle and a handful of times by a neighbour, I first ran away at the age of 9 which marked the beginning of constantly getting kicked out of, or running away from, home, I passionately hated my stepdad (who once when I was 14 told me he would kill me if I ever came back) and I rarely got along with my mom. Now the reason for divulging all that ... it’s not to get sympathy or to try and justify or excuse my current situation and decision. I have dealt with my past and it’s behind me but I know, with absolute certainty, that I would would NEVER EVER EVER subject my child to any of the fear, pain and sadness that I felt living in an unstable environment where I felt unwanted and/or uncared for. Given that I don’t want a child, especially under these conditions, I question my ability to break that cycle.
In response to your comment about my moods being normal in this situation .... is it normal to have incredibly wild mood swings!?!? One minute, I’m crying uncontrollably (and why am I so sad when I’m so certain of my decision) and the next I want to lash out in a way that shocks me. As an example, today at work I was ready to flip on the guy next to me. Reason being ... his keyboard was making too much noise as he typed. It was getting louder by the minute and I could actually visualize smashing it on the floor until it was in itty bitty pieces. I had to walk away from my desk to collect my wits and calm down. I know I’m being totally irrational but my rage is overwhelming. And as hard as it is to admit, I feel so much despair that I don’t feel like I want to (or deserve to) live anymore. Please don’t think I’m at risk for suicide – I’m not - but the pain is almost unbearable. It’s with me every minute of every day and I can’t help but wonder if it will get worse after my appointment.
I also wonder about MB and how he’s feeling but again, due to my total selfishness, can’t help but feel that this isn’t as hard on him as it is on me. He’s not the one that has this life inside him, he’s not the one that has to deal with the shame of lying on some cold medical table while a horrendous piece of equipment is shoved inside the most private part of his body in order to suck out a human life (sorry for the vulgarity). In short, he’s not the one that is totally and utterly humiliated. I honestly can’t help but wonder if he views this whole situation as an annoying inconvenience that needs to be dealt with as quickly as possible so that he can resume his comfy lifestyle without all this stress. And does he wonder, like I do, if he created a boy or a girl? And what about his belief in God?? A while back we talked about the death penalty and he said he was opposed to it because he doesn’t believe in a world that doesn’t value life. Isn’t this life?? This his own flesh and blood! How does he reconcile that in his mind?? I guess he just picks his values and beliefs by supporting those that have no direct or unpleasant impact on him. How very easy and convenient.
Now – if I sedate the ‘psycho me’ that seems to have taken over in the last four days - I need to counter that last paragraph and tell you that I know MB is a good man with a good heart. I think he is working extra hard at maintaining a positive attitude for my sake and I would guess this bothers him more than I know (although he does hide it very well). He’s been very supportive at a time in his life when there are significant other challenges for him (work related) and I wish with all my heart that he could focus solely on those and not on this – I really feel guilty at adding additional stress to his life. I tried to find some information relating to men and how they handle unwanted/unplanned pregnancies and abortion but sadly, there is limited info out there and so I’m left to guess at how he is coping through all of this. I wonder if he feels the need to be held and comforted the way I do.
Anyway, I must sign off. Please forgive the incredibly long post. This is kind of my diary as I work through this and I appreciate that I don’t have to hold anything back. This is the only avenue I have for getting it all out.
Thank you for ‘listening’ and for the support.
I, like Christine, am happy to hear that you've scheduled your appointment with enough time in between to really be sure that this is what you want. It is possible that the way you are feeling right now is due to the fact that you are in shock, and these extreme emotions could calm down a bit in a week or so. Give yourself every bit of that time to be sure of what you're doing. I'm just a bit concerned because thinking about an abortion seems to cause you extremely negative feelings.
Have you tried the decision making workbooks on the website? They ask some good questions and might help you be able to pin-point exactly what it is that is making you upset/angry.
Anyway, I just wanted to pop in and say hello, and reassure you that what you are going through is a painful experience, and we're here to help however we can. You're in my thoughts.
Hi SOS, welcome! I'm so glad that you are able to write about every aspect of this. It really helps us to be able to support you as best we can. ((((Hugs))) I'm not sure I'll be able to touch on all the aspects I'd like to, but I'll try. Smile
I can understand being sort of set in your ways and not wanting to change. Children do change everything...that's for certain. I've never known anyone that ends up resenting them for it, but it sure would be hard to imagine that at this point I'm sure!
With regards to your thoughts on adoption, were you aware that open adoption would allow you to choose your child's family, know where he or she lived and be able to keep in contact? I wasn't sure if you knew that...it sounds like you might be thinking of a closed adoption, which is not as common anymore.
I can understand also why your past would make you so fearful of taking care of another human being and having to be responsible for his or her safety. I, however, have no doubt that you would be able to break that cycle. Just the fact that you are aware of what happened and don't want to repeat it is a huge step in that direction. I think your past would make you a better mother. I had a similar crappy childhood, and it is because of what I went through that I won't let my children deal with those issues.
As far as mood swings, yes - those can be common just because of the hormones. I would think that your extreme rage probably has more to do with the way you are battling your emotions. The emotions are bound to come out one way or another, and they are setting you on edge in other ways it sounds like. It's like your feelings are trying to get your attention almost. Not that you aren't doing an awesome job of processing your thoughts! Smile
It's hard to say how MB is thinking. Just a guess, but a lot of guys that are opposed to abortion generally tend to think "well, she's made up her mind and there's nothing I can do about it. Whew! I'm glad I got out of that one that easy." Even though they are opposed to it, they dupe themselves into thinking that since it isn't their body, there's nothing they did wrong. I'm not saying MB feels this way, but it's just a thought. I would really encourage you to talk to him about your feelings and his. It will be the only way that the two of you might possibly make it through this.
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Isn’t this life?? This his own flesh and blood! How does he reconcile that in his mind??
I hate to bring it up even, but can you answer those questions, because you are feeling the same way but still wanting an abortion. They are definitely good questions that he should answer, but they need to be answered by you too I think. What are your thoughts?
I look forward to your next message, and I hope you find lots of support here no matter what your final choice is. We're here for you, and we only want what is best for you. (((((Hugs))))))
hi hon, hope this post finds you not so stressed. lol. I can understand the frustration at the thought of losing independance...except in my case I never had any. I had a baby at 17 and i have been up to my elbows in crappy diapers since LMAO Laughing Travel is possible with an infant as they don't require a whole lot. As they grow older, you can teach them to adopt your love for learning and travel (albeit with a few adjustments). I also wanted to make sure you understood what I said about open adoption. I was able to meet with several families, decide on one, I get letters, pics, phone calls etc. Most agencies will work together with you and the adoptive parents to custom tailor an arrangement that makes all the parties feel comfortable. My son knows I am his birthmom and that Elizabeth is his mommy. As he gets older, he will always know the truth that I love him, just couldn't take care of him. I didn't give him up, I gave him more. I knew that I was not responsible enough to provide for him, so I gave him a family. Not to hammer other choices into your head or anything but I want to make sure you realize that you don't have to box yourself into a corner here. You still have options. I would highly recommend at least going to an agency, counseling with someone, get the information. You don't have to sign a contract or anything. LOL. I believe women should make educated choices, not just the most obvious one. If after exploring all your options you still feel abortion is the right choice, then that is fine too. I fear you will resent bf if you have an abortion that you arent' convinced is the right choice for you. KWIM? I hope this helps. Hormones can be helllish...yes I had violent mood swings when I was prego. You are not abnormal. My thoughts are with you.
Hey there SOS...I was hoping to hear back from you today. How are you doing hon? I hope okay...as okay as you can be anyway. (((Hugs)))) Write back soon.
Hello all and thank you for your messages. I can’t tell you how comforting it is for me to have this outlet and I can’t express enough the appreciation I have for the time you have taken to read my posts and offer words of support and/or encouragement.
Sorry for the delay in responding - I read your messages yesterday but wanted to take some time to gather my thoughts and try to organize my feelings a bit better (as if!!) I think my last post bordered on pschotic!!
To touch on the comments about the delay in my appointment, I didn’t plan that because I felt I needed time to be sure of my decision rather, it was due to MB’s work schedule (he travels a lot). March 27th was the first available appointment that worked with his schedule. My preference would have been to resolve this immediately as the waiting, fear and stress is making me crazy. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to make it through another 10 days.
Thank you for clarifying open and closed adoption for me. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an open adoption that allows the birth mother to stay involved in the child’s life and Christine, hat’s off to you for choosing this option. I know me though and this is not something I can do.
Chris, I did not get a chance to look at the workbook you mentioned but I will. Thank you for the suggestion.
Rose, you asked how I felt about the questions I had for MB (his own flesh and blood, etc). Yes – I have asked that of myself repeatedly and I really don’t like the answer. The honest truth is I’m not the person I thought I was anymore. I’ve always prided myself on having high morals and values, trying to do the right thing and treating others as I wish to be treated (I don’t always do a good job but I do try). The fact of the matter is, I can’t even look in the mirror now. I’m so ashamed of my decision, of my cowardice and of my total and utter selfishness.
I’ve read other posts on here and have thought about people I know that have been, or are, in a similar situation and I feel like I’m taking the easy way out. One of my good friends has a 20 year old daughter who still lives at home along with her unemployed boyfriend. She recently found out she is pregnant and is having the baby. I know it’s going to be very difficult for them yet they are working together to make it happen. At the age of 19, my brother was heading down a bad path with drugs, the law, etc. When he found out he was going to be a father he totally straightened up his life and busted his a$$ to take care of and support his family. MB and I have none of those issues – there is absolutely no reason for us not to see this through other than we are two of the most selfish people on the planet. We are completely capable of providing a good life for this child but instead we care only about ourselves and how we would be inconvenienced. The realization that this is who I really am is making me sick ....
Once I collect my thoughts a little bit more (now that I’m a few days past the initial shock) I am going to have a discussion with MB about how he is feeling and ask him some of the questions I’ve been asking myself. He seems to be carrying on as if nothing has happened (perhaps this is mostly for my benefit) and if I didn’t know better, I would say he hasn’t given it much thought at all. I know that’s probably not true because he really is a compassionate person who genuinely cares about those around him. Last night he told me his colleague’s wife died unexpectedly at the age of 59. He took the time to buy a sympathy card and we talked about what a tragic and sad situation it is. I couldn’t help but think of the irony - the sympathy we felt over the death of a woman we didn’t know and our desire to quickly snuff out the life of our own child. It makes me feel like throwing up.
The tears are flowing again. I hope someday God can forgive me for this. I hope someday I’ll deserve that forgiveness.
SOS - I'm concerned about how you will handle this once it is over, seeing as how just the thought of it is already making you completely devastated. Do you think you could just pretend for a few days that you are having the baby and see if that changes how you feel? If that is just as devastating, then it will confirm your decision. If you feel more at peace, then you may need to reconsider.(((HUGS))) This is never easy.
I’m having difficulty getting my emotions under control so just need to vent ....
I spent most of last night lying awake in bed doing a lot of thinking, thinking and more thinking. This morning I went to church by myself which made me feel worse. I haven’t been to church in forever yet when I’m really in trouble, I expect God to listen just because I decide to make an appearance. Oh, the audacity. Life, a gift from God and I’m throwing it away. I have no right to expect compassion or understanding there.
I have never felt more alone in my life and there is no one I can talk to. I have told no one I’m expecting (with the exception of MB) and we haven’t discussed it much. In fact, when we are together, it feels very much like it did before I got pregnant. We laugh and joke like we used to and I wonder if he feels the dark cloud over him the way I do. Perhaps we have both avoided the topic because it’s so very painful and we are trying to be strong and not burden each other.
That said, I can’t help but feel an increasing amount of resentment. I resent that I took responsibility for birth control and now I’m the one that has to take responsibility because it failed. I resent that I constantly feel exhausted and nauseated. I resent that I don’t feel good about myself emotionally, mentally or physically. I resent that I’m putting on weight, my clothes no longer fit and I look and feel like crap. I resent the shame I feel and that I’m the one who has to have the abortion. I resent that I’ve spent hours reading and thinking of nothing else.
It’s clear that I am totally losing it and having great difficulty keeping my emotions in check. Is it normal to feel this way?? I can’t stop crying, I’m barely eating and I feel like throwing up. I wonder if it will ever get better. I don’t know where to turn or how I will ever recover from this. I don’t want a baby, I don’t want an abortion and I don’t want to put a child up for adoption. Unfortunately, those are the only three options I have and I don’t know how to live with any of them. Normally I think I’m a very strong person but this has my head spinning. It’ll be a miracle if I don’t land in the looney bin from the stress of it all.
Hi SOS,
Yes, the emotional rollercoaster you are on is pretty normal, I'm not sure if that's forunate or unfortunate. Fortunate that you're normal, unfortunate that you have to experience it. I think it's a combination of hormones being all over the place and the amount of stress you're under.
I'm wondering if it would be helpful for you to find a person locally that you can talk to.....you mentioned church....do you have a pastor or someone like that you could talk to? Maybe a counselor might be able to help you sort through this.
I know none of the options seem like good ones. It is, however, so important that you are 100% positive with the decision you make, so take your time.
I'm getting the impression that you haven't really talked to MB about the pregnancy since you told him about it. Is this the case? Maybe he thinks this is no big deal for you since you're not talking about it. Maybe he's wondering what you're going through but is afraid to ask. I would suggest a good heart-to-heart with him again before doing anything. Maybe he, too, was in shock and has since changed his feelings a bit since he's had some time to let this sink in.
You're in my thoughts, hon. Let us know how you're doing. I'm glad you're comfortable venting here...that's what we're here for.
I'm so glad you're continuing to vent here. I hope it's a little helpful. Sorry that you didn't feel compassion at church. I think that no matter what we do, God is always compassionate with us and understands us. I don't know about your church...but I think that's the way God is. Have you prayed or meditated about this at all? Did that lead you anywhere?
I also would suggest you talk to MB about this. I'd also like to bring up that the resentment you feel now could quite possibly increase after an abortion - when you are left very emotional and he seemingly carries on as if nothing happened. That is usually the reason that relationships end after an abortion. Are you taking anything for the nausea? You might want to check with your doctor about something.
It is normal to feel this roller coaster, but forcing yourself ahead (by telling yourself you must have the abortion) is not healthy. You are obviously having a hard time emotionally making yourself go through that. It sometimes (in some of your posts) almost sounds like parenting might not be the worst choice, but it is scary! That's normal to feel that way though. Do you think this is what is holding you back from that choice?
Perhaps you've been searching through the messages here, but if not, I'd encourage you to do so. I'd also encourage you to try out the different choices by spending one full day pretending that (1) you are going to keep the baby - you look at names, clothes, furniture, make plans, etc. (2) You have had an abortion - feel the loss as much as possible now that the baby is somewhat real after having picked out names, etc. (3) You are going to choose adoption - choose qualities you would like in a family and look through family profiles online. Then tell us which one left you feeling the best? Which one will you be able to live with now? In 5 years? 10?
(((((Hugs)))) You're in my thoughts and prayers hon.
Hi SOS,
I've just been reading your posts and I wanted to let you know that there are a lot more women than you realize who are going through similar situations and having the same confusing sort of feelings. You are not alone.
I found myself dealing with an unplanned pregnancy in the fall, and like you, felt like none of the options were choices I wanted to make. Worse than that, even, was feeling like I had no one to talk to that would understand how crazy things were. I know it's easy to think you're losing your mind, but please realize that it's completely normal (as others on the board pointed out) to feel this way. How could you not be totally overwhelmed with everything you're facing? And on top of it all, trying to go about your day-to-day life as though nothing's going on. But I think it's really good advice that you've been getting here, to take some time and think about each of the options. And really visualize each situation and the outcome, and how it would make you feel. Even if you do decide to terminate the pregnancy, I think you would have much more peace if you weighed it all carefully and felt sure that it was the right decision for you, as opposed to pushing yourself to rush in and then second guessing everything later. After all was said and done, I know that I made the choice that is right for my life after allowing myself to slow down and look at each option. You'll be in my thoughts.
Dear SOS,
I was watching a rerun of the PBS documentary about abortion and went online to looks some things up. I came across a number of blogs carrying your original post and thought it interesting, disturbing and actually refreshing (if you pardon the phrase). I applaud your willingness to express yourself and am glad you feel free to do so. I think its very important. Certainly your decision is a difficult one but I feel you are also doing yourself a disservice in not talking to a professional about your feelings. And by professional I mean a psychotherapist, not just an abortion councilor or a prolife coach. Someone objective, without an agenda to shove down your throat.
You need to answer for yourself where the feelings of no worth, the anxiety, the "fraud" ideas come from because they are not necessarily inherant of the decision you've made to have an abortion. Do you or do you not want to carry this child to term? Are these thoughts the product of societal, political sentiment about the issue, or a faulty familial dynamic? Do they indicate the true nature of your moral compass? Only you can answer those questions. But one thing to remember is they are emotionally based thoughts and emotions change. They pass. If you honestly believe a child in your life is not something you should have, then I would simply accept that, honor your decision and go forward with the abortion. There is no shame in that. It is a rational choice. Just as is keeping the pregnancy, bringing the child to term, should you find in yourself that that is what you want.
All choice has the possibility of regret. There is no easy answer. And I'm more that aware of the time frame you have regarding this issue. And so, let me discredit myself and say, I'm male, I have no actual direct experience with this, and yes, it does seem ridiculous for me to suggest you have great epiphanies in the week before this date. But I also suspect you've been doing this sort of soul searching on your own. I'm just adding needless chatter perhaps.
However, I am prochoice. I truly believe a woman has the right to abortion. And historically, its been with all societies, in every corner of the world. You are not the first woman faced with this situation and you will not be the last.
I have four older sisters, two of whom have had abortions. They got the support from their family, husband, boyfriend etc., but specifically our mother. She was a very strong women who herself raised five children as a single parent. She was very solidly beside them with their choice. Each of those sisters later had families when they were more well prepared to deal with the responsibility but yes, both have expressed regret but conclude that their choice was the right thing to do.
It's called maturity.
I wish you the peace to make your decision sanely, rationally and with clear thought.
Yours.
It’s been a few days since I’ve written and I’ve moved from feeling like I’m completely out of control to a feeling that I can only describe as numbness. Perhaps it was bound to happen since sustaining such intensity in emotion for an extended period of time is incredibly difficult. I know it’s only been a little more than a week, but I’m completely exhausted.
I really appreciate the posts and the words of support. As I mentioned in one of my earlier messages, I have gone through some difficult times in my life but this has been, by far, the hardest. To have this outlet has been very important for me.
Chris, you were correct in that as of my last post, MB and I had not discussed this pregnancy in great detail, other than to say we were in agreement about the choice that was appropriate for us. As I mentioned before, MB frequently travels for work so we didn’t have time to discuss it further until last weekend. We are both private people so opening up to each other was really hard, but in the end we had a candid conversation that I found incredibly helpful. As I suspected, MB is also struggling and admitted that he’s not sure how to support me through this. He also said that he worries about me and feels that it’s worse on me than on him. Physically, I would agree that’s true but only because the changes are happening in my body. Emotionally and mentally, I think it’s equally hard on both of us. For my part, I told him that I also want to support him, and it’s easy for me to get caught up in everything I’m going through, but I don’t want to lose sight of the fact that there are two of us deeply affected by this. Like me, he’s questioning everything in his life – his wants, needs, future, career, etc and it’s important to me that I’m there for him, just as he is here for me.
During my discussion with MB, I did learn some things I found very surprising. First of all, prior to this pregnancy, neither of us knew exactly what was involved in the abortion procedure. I promptly researched all I could and when I asked if he had done the same, was surprised to learn that after a week he still had no idea what happened during the procedure. He said he started to look it up on the net but as the webpage was loading he shut down his browser. I felt envious that he has the luxury of not needing those details while I have to go through the actual experience and will learn one way or another. I asked if his intent was to sit in the waiting room, oblivious to what was happening with me and the life we created.
I also asked if he thought God would forgive us and was completely taken aback by his answer. He said that he hadn’t thought about it. I am totally shocked by this as I would have guessed that his faith is much stronger than mine and this question would have been in the forefront of his mind from the beginning. I still don’t know how he feels from a moral and religious perspective but plan on exploring this more with him in the next few days.
The final surprise I had was when I asked if he wondered about the sex of the fetus. His answer was no and the topic was dropped. To me, it seems that he doesn’t want to acknowledge that this is a life we’re discussing because it makes our decision so much more painful. I cannot approach it this way – I want to think of everything with a realistic and ‘eyes wide open’ approach. I think he needs to do the same – before the procedure is done and there is no going back. I have never felt this decision is mine alone and I need to know that he is going to be ok when he reflects on the choice made.
Rose, I took your advice and really tried to imagine how I would feel in each of the three scenarios I’m faced with. Adoption is out of the question for me so that leaves parenting or abortion.
I thought long and hard about parenting – I love kids and so I imagined all the joy that comes along with having a child. The smell of a baby, watching them experience the world for the first time, seeing them smile and laugh, feeling their hugs and unconditional love .... the list goes on and on and each of those thoughts make my heart ache for this child. I’m also fully aware of the challenging and ‘not so fun’ side of child rearing – poopy diapers, temper tantrums, crying, loss of freedom, etc, etc, etc. Those things scare me more than I can possibly tell you. I know any parent will say the reward exceeds the work but that does little to alleviate my fears and insecurities.
Then comes abortion. Given that this is the only option I’ve considered since learning I was pregnant, I didn’t have to imagine much more than I already have. I honestly don’t know how this choice will affect me. The thought is devastating to me and I’m terrified I will live to regret my decision. MB told me I have to be careful not to let this consume me but I really don’t know how that’s possible. That said, I can’t let my fear prompt me into giving birth to a child that I’m not prepared to raise.
Alana, thank you for your note. I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts and feelings on how you are dealing with your own experience without pushing your views on me. I will admit that I was curious to learn the decision you made so I went back to search out your other posts. Congratulations!
While I’m on the topic of personal experiences and individual choices – I also saw the other posts from each of you and felt your turmoil as you wrote about your personal experiences and outcomes from your past. Christine, I visited your website – it’s very touching. I also read a poem on here (I can’t remember which of you wrote it) but it was beautiful and brought tears to my eyes. Each of these things helps to remind me that I’m not alone.
Domo, I wanted to comment on your post as well but saved it for the last as it’s very unique from the others. I appreciate your thoughts as well as you sharing your sister’s experiences. I was really surprised to learn that you found my post on other blogs as this is the only place I’ve posted. I realize anyone can read the messages on this forum but I’m curious as to how this would get posted elsewhere. I’m interested in any info you can share in that regard.
I very much appreciated your objectivity despite having no direct experience in dealing with an unplanned pregnancy. You hit the nail on the head when you said that any choice has the possibility of regret. In fact, I said those exact words to MB this weekend. I guess if that weren’t the case, this decision wouldn’t be difficult to make.
You are also right in that I’m not the first nor will I be the last to go through this. That knowledge is what prompted me to seek out this forum in the first place. It’s so very easy to get caught up in our day to day lives and to forget that there are others experiencing similar, or in many cases, much tougher challenges and obstacles in life (I’m not just referring to an unplanned pregnancy here). In fact, on Tuesday night I had a long time friend (that I’ve all but lost touch with) call me because she needed to talk. As she discussed the turmoil and tragedy in her life, I was reminded that I have so much to be grateful for. It was almost like God was telling me to suck it up and get it together.
Anyway, thank you for taking the time to write and for giving your perspective.
Since this post is more rational than some of my earlier ones, the ‘psycho me’ must be off plotting the next crazy words or thoughts that will pop into my head. Has anyone else found that the initial shock turned into the so-called numbness I described earlier?? I’m still having a hard time functioning each day and there isn’t a minute I’m not thinking about this but I’m working very hard to keep a level head and to make the best decision for both MB and I.
Thanks again for the words of support and encouragement.
Hey SOS
Here's the link to the site I originally read about your post. There's an embedded link ... that's how I found your entire post.
http://jivinjehoshaphat.blogspot.com/2007/03/abortion-meltdown.html
Be optimistic. You deserve it.
Hi SOS,...sorry it's taken so long to respond! How are you doing now? You've been in my thoughts and prayers. I just can't help but feel you "know" what you should do given your feelings, but you are so panicked about even thinking about that possibility = especially given what MB thinks - that it's not an option. Is parenting an option? And what if MB were to tell you he wanted to parent - would that change your mind? I'm just wondering how much of this is really you wanting the abortion, know what I mean?
Numbness like you described is common, but it worries me every time I hear about it. When you're numb, you get this robot-like push toward just going ahead as planned, where you don't think about it, you just do it. That's scary because later on, you may regret that. So try not to fall into the comfort of being numb...you'll thank yourself for it later. A lot of it is just that you're tired and emotionally overloaded. Make sure you're getting a lot of sleep right now. ((((Hugs))))
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Please see our board rules posted here and here, and check your email for a message about this. Thank you! - Rose
Hi SOS,
I was just wondering how you are doing. You're appointment is scheduled for tomorrow, isn't it? Have you decided what you're going to do? I don't know what you're thinking/feeling right now, but it seems to me that in your last post you were still agonizing over what decision to make. I really hope that if you're still agonizing over it, you will at least postpone your appointment so you can think through it some more. As you pointed out, it's better to go into this with open eyes than to regret whatever decision you make.
I don't know if this makes any difference, but when I had my abortion about a year and a half ago, I had been completely sure of my decision, no wrestling with it, and yet it still wreaked havoc on me. Whatever decision you make is going to make a huge difference in your life, and I hope you will take the extra time to make sure it's what you want.
I don't really know what else to say Confused I wish I could say something profound, but I just can't seem to get the words out. I hope you can understand what I'm saying anyways.
Let us know how you're doing.
SOS, are you still out there? I've been wondering about you hon, and I hope you can update us soon. ((((Hugs))))
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