I am 28, have been married for 7 years, and already have 2 children. They are 3 and 9 months old. Last Thurs. I found out I am preggo again. This is devastating! My husband NEVER wanted another baby. He asked me to get my tubes tied when I had my c section with our 2nd child. I did not do it because I was unsure. So he said he would get a vasectomy because he absolutely wants no more kids. He had trouble with keeping an appointment because of finances to pay for it, getting time off work etc., and just plain old procrastination. In the mean time he kept telling me how angry he was that I didn't get my tubes tied to begin with. Now because we weren't diligently using the condoms, I am pregnant. I have not been to the doctor yet, but they estimate by my last period that I am 10 weeks. My husband says this is THE worst thing that could ever happen. He wants me to have an abortion. I don't want another baby, and don't feel equiped to deal with one, especially so soon after the last. But I can't see myself going through with an abortion. When I think about it, I just see myself killing my baby, and never being able to forgive myself for it. On the other hand, I am already struggling with what I got. I have a history of depression, and have suffered with bad postpartum depression with both. I am still not pulled all the way back together from the last one. Right now I am so depressed that I can barely make it through the day. There is no solution that seems ok. I can't see myself taking care of another one. I know I will be very depressed and non functional. I would have a new baby, a 1 year old and 3 year old to care for. I have no real support system. My husband was not very helpful or supportive after the other 2 and we wanted them. He has already said that he will probably end up hating me so much that he will ultimately leave me if we have this baby. So I will end up alone and depressed with 3 small children. I know I can't earn enough money to take care of them alone, I never finished my education. Even if he stays with me we cannot afford them. Our cars will not fit them, nor will our house. We have so much debt, and struggle financially already. We have bad credit too. We would have to buy at least 1 new car to fit 3 car seats, which seems imposible. And our house will be so overcrowded. What am I going to do????
I wish I could feel ok about having an abortion, because it would make things easier for me, my husband and our marriage and family. But I cannot get past the negative feelings about having an abortion. I don't think I would get past it. I think I would always be angry at myself for it, and feel guilty. I honestly wish I would have a miscarriage, so I would not have to make the decision. I would feel bad, but not to blame. I am going to the doctor Wed. where they will probably give me an ultrasound to determine how far I really am. I would be releived if they told me there was something wrong and the baby is not going to make it. I just feel like whatever happens, I am alone and will have to deal with the outcome alone. I am not going to commit suicide, but do not feel like living right now.
-mommyof2
Monday, March 12, 2007
What do I do?
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36 comments:
Have you talked to your doctor about your postpartem depression? Are you on any type of medication for that? If you aren't, I strongly encourage you to talk to your doctor about it at your next appointment.
If your husband was that dead-set against another baby, he should have taken precautions against it happening. If, for some reason, he couldn't have the vasectomy, he should have made sure to use a condom each and every time! This is not YOUR fault that you got pregnant - he has to share some of the responsibility.
I know it is daunting to think about raising 3 small children alone, but from what I have seen, if you are not in agreement on how to handle this situation, and you have the abortion (against your own feelings) to please your husband, you will probably resent him for making you do it, and could possibly end up without him anyway.
Babies can be expensive, but they don't have to be. But if you do find that you need extra help, there are a lot of programs that you could look into for help.
I would encourage you to not make a quick decision on this, based on what your husband wants only, but to really explore all options. Have you considered adoption?
Just know that you are not alone - I know it's not the same thing, but by posting here on this board, you have found a support group and we will do whatever we can to help you.
Marnie
I don't want to give the impression that the only reason I would not want the baby is that he doesn't. I feel unable to truly care for 3 kids aged 3 & under! Right now just to go to the store is a huge production. I always have to go places with them alone. My husband does not like going places with me, especially shopping. And he rarely watches the kids to let me go myself. I am always juggling to schedule the trip during no naps, meals, snacktimes, fussy times, etc. Then I have to bring what nearly amounts to luggage with all their stuff. When I go to a store it is always a hassle to put both of them in the shopping cart because 99% of stores do not have ones that accomodate 2 kids. (atleast not a toddler and baby, maybe 2 toddlers.) Then if one is not grabbing stuff, throwing stuff out of the cart, messing with stuff or fussing then the other one is. How in the heck do I add another one to that? I can't imagine I would ever be able to go to the store until my oldest is 6 or 7, 3-4 years from now! Plus I am always stressed because I don't have a moment in my life for myself. I have no friends. I never go anywhere alone. I have no social life. When my husband goes out with friends or to do fun things, I can't go because there is noone to watch the kids. Plus we never get to do anything as a couple.
And I know that we are already very strapped financially and spacewise.
As far as the depression, I used to be on meds, but went off. They are very expensive and I have no insurance. Besides, they don't make you feel right anyway. They just take enough of an edge off the depression to not be headed for the mental hospital. The comercials that show people feeling wonderful and having fabulous rosey lives because the meds are a crock. The meds themselves even have unpleasant side effects that contribute to you feeling abnormal. They can make you sleepy, jittery, spacey, distant, etc. They can take away from your quality of life.
well this is hubby stumbled upon your oh so supportive reply to my wifes thread and since your such a great support grop for her why dont you try really supporting her . i mean you sounds like you have the $180,000 dollars (which is a understatement) to raise the child why dont you send some of that support what about a place to live, food, clothing, morals,time,love hurt, why dont you post some of that... why dont you post some patients, why dont you increase the understanding of my wife and help her understand that her putting the kids first in everything has crippled my desire to participate again how about the fact that dam it to hell i get no choice at all see she has the opportunity to decide one way or the other (oh is this what i want can i live with this decision or myself, iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii .. but i get no choice my (edited for language) in a sling waiting for someone else to decide whether to chop em..... how bout posting a really productive reply like maybe while your (edited for language) was wide open you should have taken your husbands feelings and desires in consideration and gotten your tubes tied maybe all of the burden doesnt lie in him geting a vysectomy what about her making sure the were condoms or a pill foam /// or forget all that even plastic wrap,,,, oh you dont see my
point ...... i guess you wouldnt she doesnt either..... so why dont you give her some more of that support you were talking about and maybe all will be well... seeing how you two are married ooops ... your not!
Hi Mommyof2, and welcome! I'd like to reply to you first, and then I'll address some of what your husband wrote as well.
First off, I'm wondering if you have considered adoption at all? Usually there is financial help available to pay for living expenses and medical bills while you are pregnant, and there might not be as many negative emotions tied to it as opposed to an abortion. It might be a good idea to at least check into that option.
Next, I'm wondering if you have tried to get any financial assistance through WIC, Medicaid, food stamps, etc? If you were to continue this pregnancy, you would be considered a family of 5 as of right now, and that might help you get some assistance to take a bit of the strain off. It could also help you get back on antidepressants. I know they aren't a magic pill - especially when things in life are stressful anyway. It doesn't sound like you have much of a support system to make things easier on you, and that would contribute greatly to your depression. Are you involved in a mother's group? Church? Anywhere for social time?
There are answers to your questions about cars, housing, and money. I'd love to help you in depth with these questions, but I also don't want to waste our time. Churches often donate cars to families in need. Housing help is available, and I mentioned state aide for finances. Often a good first step is visiting a local pregnancy center so that you can find out what sort of help is available to you from various organizations. I can find a center for you if you fill out this form: http://www.choicetolivewith.com/statelinks.html#anchor_70
I know that mothering right now is overwhelming. It might help to think (whether or not you ultimately have the abortion) that this is a short time in your life. This too shall pass. Soon your kids will be older and not so difficult to care for. We just need to get you to that point.
Now to hubby...thank you for sharing your thoughts, but I have to respectfully disagree with you. We aren't going to tell your wife to not have an abortion. Nor are we going to tell her to have one. We're going to help her make a choice she'll be able to live with forever. From what it sounds like, your wife is in a very lonely, overwhelming place, and we are just trying to comfort her the only way we can. I wish I had money to help. Other organizations do, and we can point you in that direction. As far as telling her to stop putting the kids first - it sounds like she is doing what any mother would do. Life tends to revolve around them when they are young.
I do see your point though. I hear your frustration, your worry, and your desperation. Do you see my point though? Do you see that this pressure is not good to put on your wife? Remember - this is your wife we're talking about here...do you want to pressure her into something that might ruin her emotionally and leave her resentful? All we're offering is help and support in whatever way we can. I'm sorry if that offends you. We'll still be here anyway to help you both through this - whatever choice is made.
I hope you'll post again Mommyof2. Feel free to PM me or email me any time hon. ((((Hugs))))
Mommyof2,
Your situation sounds difficult. If you are leaning towards continuing this pregnancy I would encourage you to follow Rose's suggestion to fill out the form (if you haven't already) and let her try to find you resources and places in your area that will help. Sometimes there are people and places right around the corner who are willing to help but who you never knew existed.
I would also encourage you to consider adoption. With your financial situation and the way you feel about abortion, this could possibly be the best option for you. Making an adoption plan isn't easy emotionally but sometimes it the best option available.
You mentioned that your first and second pregnancies/children were wanted. Did you have the same financial worries during those pregnancies?
Hubby,
I can't understand exactly what you're going through. But I can somewhat understand how frustrating it is to feel powerless over a situation - but I think your wife probably feels like she's in the same boat. Although she's the one who gets to make a decision, it's not a decision she wants to make. I'm guessing she feels a certain degree of powerlessness as well.
Both of you could have made different decisions regarding birth control/sterilization so I don't see how pointing fingers and assigning blame helps anyone. Neither of you can change the past, so let's try to focus on the present/future.
I'm wondering if you have considered what your life would be like if your wife aborts this pregnancy and then feels the way she thinks she'll feel after the abortion? Read what she wrote again,
Quote:
When I think about it, I just see myself killing my baby, and never being able to forgive myself for it......I don't think I would get past it. I think I would always be angry at myself for it, and feel guilty.
Do you really want to be the one who pushes her towards something she thinks she wouldn't get past and something she might always be angry and guilty about? How do you think that will affect your relationship with her and how she treats and feels towards you?
Is your relationship/family life going to be better or worse if you pressure her into something? Is your relationship/family life going to be better or worse if you support her decision?
Jay i dont feel powerless i am powerless. she may feel powerless but she posses it all... to help you understand my view on birth control,, i hear you saying whats done is done so dont dwell on it but lets take that position and say she has the abortion are you going to write her and say whats done is done? Hell no you wont because she will still posses her feelings of guilt, remorse, and resentment, so dont write mine off and say that they are not valid. You wanted me to think of my wifes feeling in her quote, but what about this A husband who works 7 days a week the only income source if any this financial goes haywire my responsibility, when she has hard time with the kids my responsibility, when shes not well my responsibility,when the car breaks my responsibility, when the lawn grows my responsibility, when the house work gets backed up my responsibility when she's pms'ing whos responsibility mine. but when finances go haywire if she worked 24-7 she couldnt make enough to support us knows jack-s___ about cars and doesnt have money to put them in the shop yard work is only a comedy clip for u-tube i have trouble with the kids can she rescue me no if im sick well i have the kids so what do you want me to do? the house work ok she does 90% of the cleanin but when she needs help the respnsibility falls to me once again ok my long winded point is i help with all. all all all is ultimately my responsibility not the other way around and these are just the small issues. so to add to my load i am not just about to run to the electric chair and say hook me up.
(even though that would be easier) Shocked . I think she has two options i have none and i would appreciate someone helping her look at both sides instead of 1. it seems as though every one wants to speak about why its ok to keep this baby not about whay it would also be ok not to . for her can i live with this decision.. well ask her can she live with tering her family apart can she live with her children hating her for changing their family dynamic forever can she live with not being married anymore...
I dont know if any of these things will happen but ?????????????
You can't make the decision for your wife - that's true. You don't have that power. But I think you have other powers. The power to be supportive. The power to be optimistic. The power to be encouraging and as helpful as possible. The power not to threaten to leave her if she makes a different decision than what you would have wanted. Those are powers and abilities you do have.
I know it's not easy. I have two jobs, have to take care of any outside work in the yard/house, do a fair share of cleaning, etc. I don't have kids yet but I can guess that adds to it immensely. I understand that you do a lot of work and even do housework once you get home from work and that another child would add to that. Having another child isn't going to fix or help your situation. But neither is abortion. Abortion isn't the magic glue that's going to keep your family from tearing apart.
I don't want you to write off and forget your birth control issues and those feelings. If anything, this situation should at the very least help to make sure those issue get resolved so you don't need to worry about another pregnancy. But I don't see how blaming each other is helpful to your current situation - just like blaming each other for an abortion wouldn't solve those issues/feelings either, right?
Do you see how you've kind of ignored and passed over my question by just asking me a question? I'm asking you to consider what YOUR situation will be like if she has those feelings. What will be the consequences to you? I'm married and I know how it can be if my wife is mad at me about something small (like she wants a new toilet). But what happens to the way she treats me if she thought I pushed her into something as serious as "killing (her) baby?" If I was you, I wouldn't want to think about that either but I think you should.
Do you have any thoughts about adoption? Your comment indicates you think your wife has 2 options (I'm assuming you mean abortion and keeping the child) both of which she isn't happy about. Is adoption not even a possibility worth seriously considering? Why not?
I think you do have options.
1. You can try to push your wife into having an abortion by hinting at leaving her and your family. Though, I'm guessing you wouldn't leave because there's a reason you're working so hard to support your wife and children. You love them. Right?
2. You can support her decision (whatever it may be) and work to make things work as hard as they may be.
Now those may not be the options you want. But those are the options you have. To me, the second option seems like the better thing to do for yourself and your family.
Its the wife here. I guess I should weigh in here now. Imagine my surprise at seeing that my husband has been posting here. I want to start by saying a couple things in his defense. He works very hard, 7 days a week like he said, to take care of us. He is already very stressed and at 31 has high blood pressure that he has to take medicine for every day.
Now, as far as the blame game, he acts as though I am solely responsible for us being in this situation. He is so angry with me. I keep trying to point out that we got into this together, due to both of our actions. He also refuses to deal with this together. He has pulled away from me, doesn't want to talk to me, be around me, or especially touch me. There is no love or support. And Jay, you are quite wrong to say that he will not leave me. He will, and it seems like that is what he is going to end up doing. His walking shoes are on, laced up tight, and he does not let me forget it with every conversation. According to him, I will solely be responsible for ruining his life, my 2 current children's lives, and our marriage, by refusing to have an abortion. He is calling this an irreconsilable difference, grounds for a divorce. I feel so alone and helpless. Nothing I can say can convince him that this is hard for me too. Nor can I convince him that our marriage is worth saving. He can see no benefit in leaning on each other or working together through this tough situation. It looks like I will be left alone holding the bag. If abortion were so "easy" I would pick it. But I know myself and I can't even imagine going through it. My son got fish for his birthday a couple weeks ago, and the other day I found one dead. I felt so guilty and sad flushing it away, and its only a fish. I know that getting rid of my child would be a million times harder! I feel so trapped!!!
My sister in law has had multiple abortions, and any time her period is even late she says "you know where I'll be going if I'm pregnant." As much as her attitude has troubled me, and I have found her to be irresponsible and immature, I wish I could have her attitude for a few days. Maybe if I could bring myself to go through with the procedure, I could deal with the consequences later.
By the way, my husband and I have had no conversation at all about this message board. Our next communication about it will probably be when he reads this post.
jay u have no kids enough said.... no point of reference no insight
sounds like u r educated but some things you have to go through to understand. and u just dont weigh in...
Quote:
He also refuses to deal with this together. He has pulled away from me, doesn't want to talk to me, be around me, or especially touch me. There is no love or support.
It sounds like he has already left. What kind of marriage is it if he will not touch or love or support you and threatens to leave you in every conversation? Would it actually be worse if he did leave? It might be a bit less stressful.
Quote:
According to him, I will solely be responsible for ruining his life, my 2 current children's lives, and our marriage, by refusing to have an abortion.
Again, I have to say that he is partly responsible for this, it takes two. He can choose to ruin his own life by leaving and not working with you on this. I don't understand where he thinks that you would be ruining your other children's lives by having another baby. A lot of families have more than 2 children. As far as the marriage, it sounds like that's already almost shot if the two of you cannot communicate and support each other.
To Hubby: We are not taking sides here, and are not going to tell your wife to have an abortion or to Not have an abortion. That's not our decision to make. We are just trying to help her make a difficult decision that will be best for her.
I read your post to Jay about how you are responsible for everything in your family. Even your wife has said how hard you work to support them. I can see how that could be a very heavy burden on you to feel the weight of the whole family on your shoulders. I really can see how you would not want another baby in the family, another mouth to feed. But here's the thing. You said that your wife does the majority of the housework and taking care of the kids. She doesn't feel like she would be able to recover from an abortion. What would that mean? Well, if she's so depressed that she can't function, then ALL of the responsibility of EVERYTHING (even the stuff she did before) would fall on your shoulders. Are you prepared to take on ALL that much more responsibility if that happens?
And, in the event that she does have an abortion, to keep you from leaving, what happens when 6 months down the road she starts to resent you for making her kill her baby? Do you think your marriage will be great then?
You obviously love your family, or you would not be busting your butt to keep them fed and clothed and a home to live in! Why would you want to walk away from that? Or force your wife to do something that in her heart she is so against? There really is not one decision that will make both of you happy. Isn't it worth it to you to try to understand why she feels the way she does?
Marnie
I should probably not be butting my nose in where it doesn't belong.. especially considering my situation.
Mom... to you I say this. I made the decision to keep my baby against my ex boyfriend's wishes. He begged and begged and threatened in so many ways if I had not aborted her. Then it turned into threats and more BS if I didn't place her up for adoption. Then he agreed to stay and "try" to accept it. I bought a house.. I paid for everything. I did all I could to apease him and keep him around. In the end, he lived up to his threats and promises. He made my life miserable!
My daughter will be 4 at the end of May. I kicked him out 2 yrs ago. He is of no support now, nor was he then. I have learned to deal with.. and be a single mommy to her. My other 2 kids have a great father. Ex hubby is awesome!
As far as birth control, I was that 1 in 100. I was to have my tubes tied on Jan 29th. I couldn't because my dr. wanted to do required surgery before "elective" surgery. Now here, I am that lucky 1 in 100 - So much for BIRTH CONTROL!
And to your husband. I do feel so sorry for him. I am in love with my boyfriend. He is going through the same things as your husband. He's not being quite as harsh on me, but he isnt supporting me all the way if I choose to keep this baby. I know he is a wreck though. He is just as emotional about me keeping this child as I am over aborting it.
Gosh, it took me a while to catch up...*whew* welcome to you both!
I would encourage you to look into an open adoption, since neither parenting nor abortion seem to be acceptable options. This situation can allow the responsibility of raising the child to be lifted from your shoulders, and allow you the much needed family counseling. Reputable agencies will also take on the financial burdens of the pregnancy, health care etc. When I placed my child for adoption I went through a wonderful agency that even provided counseling for my older son. I was a single mom, had an abortion and placed a child for adoption before getting married to my true love. With all due respect to hubby, I would say you have an anger management issue. Blaming your wife for getting pregnant is both ignorant and irresponsible. She didn't climb up on herself and get that way. I took offense to your abusive tone in previous posts but will overlook that as we are here to help, not judge. Your wife needs you and I am sorry if you don't like me saying it but you are whining. I bet the added responsibility of having another child didnt bother you so much when you whined about not wearing a rubber either....I do hear your frustration, you work, she is ignorant, kids are a pain....i could go on. If you wanted an easy life, marriage probably wasnt a good choice to begin with. It takes love, trust, respect and commitment. I am not seeing a lot of that in your posts. But you ARE married and ARE going to damage your children by walking out when they need you the most. Abortionw would make her not pregnant but it will not solve the deeper issues that seem to plague your marriage. I wish you both all the best. My prayers are definitely with you.
Well to all the deaf and dumb (edited for language) out there who cant see how my wife played any part in this i would like to sign off for now since this a biased forum that is not able to see both sides of the coin i would like to lend a thank you for all of you playing a key part in (MY LIFE) i do understand that this is the internet a open place to all (edited for language) including myself if you please but with all due respect none of you have lived a day in my life and if you did i swear you would have packed up long ago unfortunately i dont care to write a 50 page thread to let u all in on it but im sure after im gone you wanna be lesbians and pro choice (edited for language) will talk bad about me and say hes an (edited for language) an she should leave him and it wont be so bad if he left everyone would be better off buttttttttt heres the kicker .........
(edited for language)
After reading your husband's last post, I have only one piece of advice: grab your kids and leave! Or better yet, kick his sorry butt out.
All of us here have bent over backwards to try to understand and emphathize with him over your decision - tried to understand how he felt and what this was doing to him. He obviously does not see anything but what he wants to see.
His rude and vulgar posts prove what an insensitive, controlling coward he really is. If you let him, he will control everything you do - including making sure that you feel so low that you cannot get out of the relationship. I know this first-hand, as I was married to someone exactly like him. He was the victim, the world hated him and was out to get him, and he was only happy when he was making others miserable. I know after hearing how worthless you are so often, you tend to believe it. But guess what - you are not worthless, your world does not revolve around him and yes, you can make it without him. In fact, without him breathing down your neck and trying to control you, you may feel better.
He has threatened to leave if you don't do what he says - is that love? Aren't you considering the abortion (against everything you feel) because you love him and want to make him happy? Is he showing you the same consideration?? He's complained that you spend too much time with the kids and not enough with him - what's wrong with this picture? Well, for starters, kids need so much more attention and guidance - and 2 parents that love their kids understand that. Yes, it's hard to keep your marriage on track sometimes when it's always about the kids....but that's real life.
There are so many opportunities out there for you! If you will let us, we would like to help you find those opportunities. We can put you in touch with people who can help you find housing, transportation, schooling, a job - whatever you need to help your family. All you have to do is let us know what you need. This offer is regardless of what your decision is. If you will let us, we can help you.
I hope you will give a lot of thought to what I've suggested. You are a very special person and a good mom and you deserve to be treated as such. You do NOT deserve to be treated as a nothing who does not or cannot contribute to your family. If you allow your husband to bully you into whatever he wants you to do, your children will grow up seeing that and they will behave in the same way (son would be a bully, daughter would be a doormat) because that is what they grew up with and that's what they will know.
Marnie
Well i have 2 words for the husband: delusional, irrational
Momof2, I am truly sorry that you have found yourself in this abusive relationship and I do agree with the PP, get out, get help. It is out there and yes you CAN survive without him. I just have to ask, if he is pushing for an abortion, why is it bad that we are pro-woman/pro-choice? That seems to be an oxymoron. And I for one am NOT a lesbian. LOL. So, I just want you to know that we are here for you and hoping for the best, no matter what your decision is. I can only pray that after reading his posts, you will see him for what he truly is. Good luck.
marniewon you have no clue about who i am you see you took my post about how you guys are biased and the anger directed to you ,,you try to turn and say he is all bad take your kids and leave instead of you guys really need some work or something productive like that i see your bitter because your weak and have been abused so you over compensate with a masculine dominance almost butch if you will,,, but tell me how encouraging my wife to leave will help our family. i thought you were here support both of us is the lie you told earlier but after reading all of your post there is no support of both you lie feminist pork meat you are since i cant say the c word i think you get the picture for the rest of you readers I love my wife and my two children But i guess im just crap for not wanting a third and now jumping on the candyland bandwagon of happiness about this ... but you see i feel bad enough about this without your help... and as far as being supportive i am that read in previous post i bust my ass always for my family in every way something that your choice of man probably couldnt do on his best day marnie but is there an in biased mind that could see the flip side of the coin... i understand my part in all of this and i am angry at me but what to do ...do i stand in the floor and argue with myself and carry, on a little stupid dont you think?
But understand my part i still have right to be angry at her for her part as you guys posted earlier it was a 50/50 job right so in expressing my feelings, sometimes when your angry well enough said... it just doesnt come out pretty.. My point of stating i will end up leaving well you guys will appreciate this I dont know how long it will take me to get over being angry at her if ever (remember my anger at her part in this doesnt mean i dont take responsibility for mine) so arguing fighting making each other miserable and the kids is no way to live especially long term so whats the best sollution? get over it . easier said than done..... so whats the good solution is there anyone out there with a true open mind?
not abusive /// and to all my appologies about the lesbian comment it was not nice but i was pissed at everything ...I love lesbians...LOL.. oh well i probably get bashed for that one too... later
Husband - We've all tried to be understanding and sympathetic to you, but nothing is seeming to get through. We've all mentioned that we are trying to support your wife no matter what her decision is. All you can come back with is anger, name-calling, etc. We've offered to help you find assistance to deal with finances. It seems like all you want to do is argue and complain.
We can't help unless you start to move forward with our suggestions. Being stuck in anger isn't going to do anyone any good. I'll start deleting your posts (not yours Mommyof2) if you continue to be argumentative and continue to use profane language and call us names.
The wife here. sigh!!!!!!!
I never intended to bring drama to this message board, I just wanted to talk to people with more experience in this department than me. I wanted some insight into abortion from people who may have had one before, and just get a general outside perspective. So I do apologize for what this has become.
Yes, my husband is angry, as you can all tell. I think he was hoping someone would be more on his bandwagon than you all have been. I think he was waiting for someone to tell me that I just should have tied my tubes when i was having a c section almost 10 months ago, like he asked me to. He wants you to tell me this is my fault too and he has a right to be mad. He wants someone to agree with him that its not fair that I get to make the choice and he has to just live with the fallout from it. I do see his frustration there. To him it amounts to being at my mercy. (although I am feeling anything but mighty and powerful right now.) He is also finding it hard to take advice from a guy (Jay) who has no kids and does not understand the responsibility and stress involved. I can agree with his difficulty there. But I think Marnie really did the whole thing in with her post insinuating that I would be better off without him anyway, then calling him abusive, etc. Neither of those things is true. My husband and I have been together for 10 years, almost my whole adult life. From the beginning I felt like he was the man I wanted to spend my life with. He has many good qualities including that he is intelligent, tallented, hard working, and funny. I enjoy his company very much. When we got together, he pulled me up from a low place in a very unhappy life. I had a terrible abusive and neglectful childhood, and some bad relationships with other guys prior to him. Overall, he has been very good to me, and went the extra mile to deal with my individual baggage. He has never been abusive to me, ever. I don't know how one would even decide that based on our posts. Is he always as nice as he could be to me? no. Always fair, understanding, completely supportive, totally reasonable? no. Especially right now. I am so hust and dissappointed by the ways he is failing me right now, but he is not a terrible or abusive person. The fear of being a single mother of 3 and struggling financially etc., are not the the only reasons I want to stay with this man. He has brought tremendous happiness and value to my life throughout our relationship. If I were in a better position in life, I would still not want to be without him.
I will not pretend that I am not totally devastated right now. I cannot see any solution being happy or positive right now. Every choice has awful, long lasting repercussions. The worst thing is that he won't go through this together with me. When we need each other most (speaking for myself) we are not leaning on each other. That is what I want now more than anything. I want him just to hold me and reassure me that although it will be far from easy, we are going to get through this together. He told me last night that he is probably not leaving me, that he has been saying that because that he is so angry and upset he doesn't know what to do. Stress will make you do some unpleasant things. Anyway, I talked to my doctor's nurse yesterday and told her how depressed and sad I am. They are trying to get me back on an antidepressant to help me cope. They will give me samples so I do not have to worry about how to pay for it. Atleast I will hopefully be able to function and take care of my 2 kids, which I am finding it difficult to do right now in my current state. I am also going to see the doctor this afternoon and will get an ultrasound, etc. My husband says he is going to get off work a little early and meet me there, which is a very positive step. We will see how that goes. I am just hoping for the best in this hard situation.
Side note - he really does like lesbians. LOL. 99% of the people he works with are lesbians, and he is friends with them. They go out to eat together and everything.
Mommyof2,
I hope your ultrasound goes well and your husband is able to make it. Tell us how it goes, ok? It sounds like your husband is trying to be more supportive. That's a good sign for both of you, I think.
That was nice of the nurse to hook you up with anti-depression drugs for free.
Your husband's right about me not knowing what it's like to raise children and the stress and responsibility involved. I hope he knows that I wasn't trying to act like I had all the solutions to your situation. I don't. I was just trying to get across the idea that he did have some power and some options (even though he might not like either of those options the best) and that one of the options was better than the other for him, you, and the rest of your family.
rose i appolgize for the name calling on your site and will use better language .. but i do have an oppinion that doesnt always fall in line with other visitors. i hope you will still give me the opportunity to be heard even if you dont agree..
Hello, mommyof2 and husband. I apologize for not speaking up sooner, I've been following along, but thought I'd wait till things cooled off a little. I think that might be the case now??LOL
The way it looks to me is that neither one of you wanted another child and you're both angry, upset and stressed about what to do. That is not difficult to understand. My husband and I would probably be doing the same thing you guys are if we ever ended up in that situation again. The thing that I think is unhealthy is that you seemed to be fighting and speaking to each other through this message board for a few days. The things that are being said here are things that should be said to each other in the privacy of your own conversation.
It seems like now both of you might be starting to calm down a little. The shock and knee-jerk reactions are coming to an end and reality is setting in. Both of you seem to be realizing a little bit more where the other might be coming from. You have to realize you're on the same side here. You both love each other and your family and you both are upset and stressed about the situation. It doesn't help to place blame. You're in this together and the only way to work through this is together. One shouldn't make a decision without input from the other, but you both need to try to understand each other's feelings. Wife needs to understand how this will affect hubby, but hubby needs to understand how this will affect wife, too. Not just physically, but emotionally as well. It's tough taking care of little ones and a house, and she's just barely hanging on to her sanity the way it is, much less adding this stressful situation.
My suggestion? Find someone to talk to. Can your doctor recommend a family therapist? I know it's costly, but is it worth it to save your marriage? My husband and I made that decision about year ago, and believe me it was worth it. It only took a few times just to be able to communicate to each other on our own. Hopefully that would be the case with you. If money is too much of an issue, maybe a local agency can offer some assistance in that department.
Whatever you decide, the two of you need to work together. Know that it is not any easier for the other person. I wish you the best. You're in my thoughts.
Hi Mommyof2 - There's no need to defend your husband here. You're right, we don't know him as you do, and we won't tell you what to do with your life in that way. I think we were just concerned at the amount of anger he was showing. I'm so glad that there has been the smallest glimmer of better days ahead when he mentioned he probably wouldn't leave you. Sometimes out of desperation (which is how he feels) people grasp at straws to get you to do something, but it is so important for you to follow your heart with this decision - not just for you but for your husband and kids as well.
How did the ultrasound go? I'm glad you were able to be restarted on some medication. Keep asking for those samples...they usually don't mind passing them along.
Let us know how things are going when you get a chance hon. Smile
Husband - Of course I don't mind differing views here. I think we all have differing views on this board, and what works so well is that we don't argue. We'll listen if you aren't typing in anger or name-calling.
Hi to both of you. Husband, I am sorry if we hurt you by making assumptions but we can only go based on what we see. Your earlier posts fit the "(edited for language)" in assumptions quite nicely. Being angry and frustrated is normal but you still have to be civil both to us and to your wife who obviously loves you very much! You are right, I don't know you and if I offended you, I am sorry. Perhaps once this situation is resolved you and the wife could do what me and my hubby did. We both got fixed, that way it was fair. Wink You do have options, but none of them will be easy. If you guys are at all interested in making an adoption plan, you can get info from [url]www.buckner.org [/url] and I would be happy to talk about it with you. Adding another child to your family will be a strain but like Rose said there is help out there. I think she is right, we just want to see you show some love to your wife, as this child is both of your responsibility. It is vitally important for you to understand that abortion affects women on many different levels and you have to be prepared for the fall out from that choice. There are very real physical, emotional, mental risks involved. It is not like getting a tooth pulled. It is a life changing ordeal for all involved. All I would ask is that you try to work as a team with your wife rather than callously shoving her in the direction you think will be easier. Does this make sense? In other words, if you love your wife as much as you claim to, then you would research all the options with her and NEVER encourage her to do something that would hurt her. Best of luck to you both.
well here i am again and i just wont get it. im not mad because im starting to realize that this site isnt really about supporting both of us its about supporting her and telling me to deal with her decisions..... at least thats what i keep hearing. you guys dont worry im dealing with it im not being mad at u or her cause ultimately its my fault and noone else right. I just wish u would stop posting to me take in to reguard her feeling and how it will effect her unless your willing to write to her take into consideration his feelings and how it will effect him. im just not feeling supported, and unbiased support goes both ways...
Im not mad just frustrated and baffeled...
I know i do it for a living
Surprise Shocked Razz ...
by the way choicetolive why do i get to be called an (edited for language) and i cant call anyone the c word?
No one can get called names.
You are partially right in that we are a pro-woman organization. That doesn't mean that we hate you though. We believe that what is best for the entire family is what is best for the woman, because if your wife becomes depressed and cannot function after her abortion, it will ultimately affect the children and you. Check out our mission and FAQs. You can also read through the board rules here to read more.
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its about supporting her and telling me to deal with her decisions
Would you rather we tell her to deal with your decisions? It isn't you that has to have the actual abortion, so just as Jay could not tell you how it is because he doesn't have kids, you cannot presume to know what having an abortion is like being a man.
Quote:
unless your willing to write to her take into consideration his feelings and how it will effect him
I believe we've done that repeatedly by offering to help make things easier on you and your family by getting her in contact with organizations that will help. What do you want us to say exactly? Absolutely she's taking your feelings into consideration - as she should and you should too. I don't see her threatening to leave you or swearing at you telling you how horrible you've been. I hear her saying that she's upset that this has been so upsetting for you. I don't know how much more anyone could understand your feelings.
Mommyof2 - how are you doing hon? How was the ultrasound?
I guess I am basically ok. My husband did come to the ultrasound, which was a big deal to me and I really appreciated it. It turns out the baby is only measuring about 8-9 weeks instead of the 11 or so they thought I would be. My cycles were irregular because I was still part time nursing my baby. I had really mixed emotions about looking at the baby. On one hand it is a life that we created, just like the 2 children we already have. On the other hand it has brought so many problems to my life, and will probably always be a huge stressor to me. As I told the doctor, I think I was really hoping she was going to tell me that it was all a big mistake, and I am not really pregnant after all. I got no such good news though. She did joke to look at the bright side, atleast its not twins. I told her thats not the least bit funny! My husband asked her why in the world this happened to us. She said "because you had sex." I actually almost laughed. She said she thinks I will really be ok though. I need to take my antidepressant, and let some dust settle. It looks like we will probably end up having the baby though. We are still talking every day, and trying to figure out how to make thing work. I appreciate everyone's concern here. I know this is not my husband's favorite message board or anything, but I think a woman does need a place like this to talk to others about their situation. Many people (myself included) feel like they have no one to talk to because they have no friends or family, or the people they do have would judge them and not understand.
Choicetolive
I dont want her to deal with my decision just as well as i dont want to deal with hers i want it to be our decision... because it is going to concern both of us forever.. you see if i choose to be there it affects me if i choose to leave i affects me just like if she chooses to abort on not to it affects her. How do you ask? Well first off i will be the parent forced to provide support willing or unwilling.. then even though its not the popular belief of other users i do posses a certain level of responsibility that means i am responsible for making sure that this child grows up to be a good person gets education and whaterver else it needs so by mine and societies standards it affects me just as much. she is not in it alone i am here too whether i want to be or not. (btw, i do want to be for those in doubt) so in my opinion pro-woman is fine i am pro-man cause i realize that if she cant function the home cannot and if i cannot function or cease to the home cannot function., we need each other thats why it should be our decision instead of hers... choice to live i just believe honest supporting would be telling all the facts stating, wife you do have a choice to have this baby or not and if you choose to it will be difficult and if you do not it may be even worse but just like your husband you are not an island and the decisions you make will impact your whole family 3 soon to be 4 other lives is this good for all of you/// seeing how she will be involved with us all forever in some way. maybe ask what all is at stake. maybe ask all of the questions all of them, then the woman who is getting support will feel like all of the areas have been covered so that when the decision is made then she did it informed, and then if by chance another hubby stumbles upon you and happens to read then he feels like all the areas are covered and not resentful of biased oppinions. There is nothing wrong with being pro woman or pro life but if thats what you are say it loud be proud, dont hide it in riddles in Faqs.. Just remember true support is giving all the facts and angles, not just saying keep the baby here are some agencies that can help. If you can cover all the angles the mommy feels supported daddy feels supported andthen daddy will be more of support to mommy .
Then you site will be true...
Even if you dont agree give it more thought than just a quick reply..
Choice you dont have to deal with my arguing any longer on your forum
im done sort of like beating your head against the wall,,, (i know it goes both ways).
to those i offended sorry to others re think it.... if you come up with the same answer do the math again if you still feel the same after that then ok...
im a dad again its really screwed up but who cares..... Crying or Very sad
Later Not talking
Hi Mommyof2...glad that the ultrasound went as okay as it could. Your doctor is right - at least it isn't twins! Smile Would you like us to look into any assistance for you locally? I don't want you to have to struggle quite so much if there is help available, know what I mean? I'd also really like to see you able to join a mom's group or something like that...something to get you a bit of a social life. Have you heard of anything like that in your area? It's hard when you have little ones to be shut up in the house or worse - having to take the two of them out to the grocery store. Razz I have a 4 year old and a 4-month old. Whew! It can get rough. I have met a lot of other moms through church and other things though, and we do playdates together so one of us doesn't go insane for at least one day. Wink
You mentioned not being able to afford your meds before - are you able to be on Medicaid for this pregnancy?
***Hugs****
I followed this whole post. Mommy and hubby, I am very happy for you. Sounds to me like you 2 have a stronger marriage than you thought. Good luck with everything. And on another note - I think this forum helped dad more than he may want to admit!
I will get medicaid for pregnant women, but I do not know whether the meds will be covered under that. I know they only cover pregnancy related care and medications. Are depression and depression meds considered pregnancy related? I don't know yet. All my stuff is not processed and in place yet, so I will wait til that happens before I find out from my case worker.
You keep mentioning all this help that is available, but what kind of help? We are married, my husband works, we are buying our home. Aren't we really outside of the group that can help? Is seems like most help is designated for single and/or unemployed people. I have never seen any help for home buyers, just renters. I know there are programs for 1st time low income buyers etc., but we have been buying our house for 3 years now. Can anyone really help us? It seems like we are just stuck in that in between group. We are going to barely scrape by to get what we need, but we are not poor or unfortunate enough to get real help. Sources for help would probably tell us we shouldn't have had so many darn kids if we can't afford them.
WIC can provide some extra food, milk for baby when it comes. They also do immunizations and well baby checks.
A local CPC can probably offer help with baby furniture, clothing (maternity and baby) and should be able to point you in the direction of local agencies who can assist in other areas. Most have a resource list, but you won't know until you ask.
Also, for baby items never underestimate the power of coupon clipping, resale/consignment boutiques, and garage sales. Baby really doesnt need name brand everything, nor do they need half of the high priced gadgets that are on the market right now.
Also, I would highly recommend looking into a mommy's day out program that offers low cost drop in child care so you can take time for you. Most states have childcare assistance programs that subsidize childcare based on sliding scale per your family income.
Just a few suggestions, hope it helps.
If you have regular medicaid, it should cover most medical related expenses, whether pregnancy related or not. I'm not sure if that varies from state to state, so check with your worker. Did you sign your kids up for medicaid also? In some instances, your husband could be covered also, but that depends on your income.
As far as other assistance, if you go to http://choicetolivewith.com/statelinks.html and either look for your state or (if your state is not hyperlinked) go to the form and fill it out - someone will let you know about the resources available to you in your area. A lot of these places go on income and number in the family. You are now considered a 5 person family as far as looking for assistance. That might make the difference.
I'm glad things are looking better for you both.
Marnie
I'm not going to say too much seeing as this ended a few days ago...and it appears that pretty much everything has been said.
So...all I want to say to mommyof2 is that there are people out here that are in similar situations. Maybe not pregnant with #3, but I also have a 3-year-old and a 10-month old and am an at home mom who has had PPD with both pregnancies.
My husband and I have been through some pretty tough financial times since #2 came along and I know how much that can put stress on a marriage- I really do. When I say we've had financial difficulty, I don't mean that we couldn't go on vacation to the tropics or something like that. I mean real troubles. And I know that can make a person go a little crazy. And I'm NOT saying that your husband is crazy, but I can see where the pregnancy has probably really freaked him out and I'm guessing that if it weren't for the financial difficulties, this wouldn't be such an issue??? I am not a financial advisor, far from it actually, but I have learned some tips and tricks in the last few months that have helped us a lot as far as getting a hold on debt and getting things going in the right direction. Feel free to PM me!
Whether or not you own a home really has little to do with whether or not you can receive support financially. The fact that you do qualify for Medicaid most likely means you'll qualify for other things as well - like WIC and food stamps. A local pregnancy center also has diapers, formula, furniture, clothes, etc available for free. They usually can refer you to other organizations that can help as well. I don't think anyone would tell you not to have any more kids...most of these places love kids and just want to help. Wink Hope this helps! Update us soon, okay hon?
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