I'm in such shock right now and so glad I found this board. No one knows but my husband and me and I need to tell someone.
A little background... we have a 14 month old son who was planned and is such a joy in our lives. However, when he was 7 months old, my husband was laid off. He got a "temporary" low-paying job right afterwards, but that job has turned out to be not-so-temporary since he can't find anything better. We have moved in with my parents who are happy to have us, but things are very cramped. They are basically supporting us right now financially, and they are not rich themselves.
I found out I was pregnant early Sunday morning. I was feeling so sick all night that we went to the ER. I have never been more shocked when the doctor told me they ran a pregnancy test and it was positive. I even asked for a blood test which also came back positive. I'm not very far along, since my HCG level was only 31. I can't believe this happened, because I am on the Pill AND we use condoms. (It took us 8 months to conceive our son!) I don't know how to calculate where I am at in the pregnancy because I am still breastfeeding my baby and haven't had a period since before I was pregnant with him.
We are seriously considering abortion but it's such a terrible and hard choice to make. We are religious and attend church, and I feel that God would not agree with the decision to abort. (I have always been pro-choice, but more with the attitude, "I feel it's a woman's right to choose, though I would never get an abortion" -- funny how it's easy to say that before you've been in this position.) My DH wants to keep the baby and take a weekend job working at a factory so that we could make ends meet, which means he would be working 7 days a week. I was considering going back to work, but two babies in daycare would eat up any wages I could make in a month.
I'm afraid of what my parents would say and think if we kept the baby.
We love our son so so so much, and hoped and prayed for him. We jumped for joy when we got a positive pregnancy test. I feel so terrible for this baby that because of money, his or her life is not a happy thing for us.
What's funny (in a really awful way) is that Saturday afternoon we had visited a friend of ours with a baby the same age as our son, and she is pregnant again. I was saying to my husband after we left that I could not imagine having two babies close together and I was glad we had decided to wait several years (we had decided that even before he lost his job). I was pregnant the whole time.. crazy.
I truly feel abortion is the best choice for us right now, but I don't know how I would feel when they put me out (I chose a clinic that does IV sedation), knowing that when I wake up, our baby will be dead. How will we feel paying off our credit card bill each month knowing what it is we are paying for. How will I feel about this the rest of my life. At the same time I don't see any way we could keep this child.
I don't know what to do.
-Emily2025
Monday, March 7, 2005
I just found out I'm pregnant
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(((hugs to your whole family!))) First let me begin by saying that you should take some deep cleansing breaths...according to the blood test you are very early in your pregnancy and have plenty of time to make a decision. No need to panic and make a knee jerk reaction:wink . I speak from my own personal experience with abortion and my oppinions don't reflect all post-abortive women. I was against abortion, then I got pregnant. It is funny how you can hold beliefs for so long then when the shoe is on your foot, you waver so easily:blush Anyway, I aborted and needless to say I regret it 6 yrs. later. As for God and church, I know that it can seem scary to think about that. Have you and your husband sought counsel from your priest/pastor? If religion plays a large role in your life, then that might be a wise place to start. As for the practical/financial aspects you could find a crisis pregnancy center in your area by clicking on "find assistance" here on CTLW or by looking in your yellow pages under "abortion alternatives, or pregnancy counseling". These places can offer support and sometimes even referrals for low cost childcare, insurance etc. Most states have a low cost childcare program as well....I did that when my son was smaller and it helped tremendously. You would pay a portion of the childcare costs based on your income. As for the grandparents who seem to be wonderfully supportive, don't underestimate them. My mom cried buckets when she found out that I aborted her 2nd grandbaby. She told me that if I had only trusted her, she would have been there for me. Hindsight is always 20/20 I guess. I am not sure if any of this helps but there is just one more thing. If you abort your husband's baby against his will, do you think it could have a negative impact on your marriage? A man's instinct (usually) leads him to protect and nurture his family. Abortion can in some cases undermind that instinct and cause resentment between the two of you. If you are mostly worried about the inconvenience and practical costs, there are always ways to resolve them. Emotional fallout from an abortion can be much harder to resolve. We will support you no matter what, good luck sweetie! Luv, Christine
Big (((Hugs)) to you! I agree with the PP on everything. Take your time to figure out what is best for you. We're here for you no matter what your decision. Best wishes.
Hi hon...((((((Hugs)))))). You must be so conflicted! I hope you find some support and help here.
I hear that there are financial concerns that you're worried about, and of course you don't want your DH to have to work every day of the week - no one would want that. What if we could help you find some financial assistance? I could find you child care assistance that might allow you to pay very little for daycare. Often pregnancy centers have partners in the community that can assist with finding a job and/or financial aid as well. What I'm saying is that there is help available for you if you want this baby. You don't need to have an abortion because finances are tight right now. Not to mention that a year or two from now, things could be very different. How would you feel about having had an abortion then?
I also hear that you're ashamed to tell your parents you're having a baby. I can understand that sentiment, but remember that they should not be the ones who decide (and you aren't even sure what they would say...you're letting them pressure you indirectly). If your parents love you, and I'm sure they do, they wouldn't want you to do anything that would harm you. Whether that means abortion or having a baby - only you can know. They'll worry - either way. But they will love you no matter what.
I just worry for you hon, because it sounds like you were so emotionally attached to your son - there's no doubt you're already bonded to this baby even if the situation surrounding the pregnancy is not ideal. You would probably score pretty highly on the PASS Assessment, meaning that you could regret this. You're already thinking about how horrible you'll feel paying off the abortion bill. (((Hugs))) Not to mention your DH wants to have this baby. It's true that this is not his decision, but he could have some emotions if you go ahead with the abortion, and sometimes that leads to marital stress. Another possibilty to look out for is how an abortion would change you as a mother to your son. Do you anticipate any changes in how you feel toward him?
((((Hugs))))) I know this is tough hon, but I want you to really take some time to think about this. Continue talking about it here, okay? We'll support you no matter what. There's also a possibility that your HCG is on the way down versus up. The level is so low that you may miscarry unless you caught the pregnancy the day it implanted or possibly the day after. Levels double every 2-3 days, meaning that it gets over 100 pretty fast. Just a possibility, but I can't be sure. Did they ask you to come in for a recheck?
Edited to link to the PASS Assessment above.
Love,
Rose
Thank you all for your support and advice. It's hard, but I am trying to absorb everything and consider my options.
They did not ask me to come in for a recheck. I have been having mild cramping on and off since Sunday night. I don't remember cramping with my first baby, but I know some women do and it's normal. The doctor did mention that I could have only gotten pregnant a few days ago, but I had thought it took longer than that to get a positive urine test?
Where can I get another quantitative blood test? We don't have a Planned Parenthood etc. in this area. As it is, we are having to drive 2 hours to the abortion clinic if we go that route.
I still am worried about what my parents would think. After my husband lost his job I decided to go back to school and they are paying for it. I still have two years left. Working.. going to school.. never seeing my children because they are in daycare. I have stayed home with my son since he was born and I love it. I don't feel it would be fair to him for us to have another baby right now.
My husband does want to keep the baby but he has also said he realizes that abortion is logically the best option and he will support me whatever I decide.
I guess to be honest I am very much leaning toward abortion, but trying to keep my mind open. I know I am not far enough along to have one yet. I wish there were some way to find out for sure how far along I am.
Good, I'm glad to hear you're taking your time. :smile
It is normal to cramp. You can read a bit about HCG and how that all works here: www.choicetolivewith.com/....htmlwww.choicetolivewith.com/FetalDevelopment/Implantation.html.
You should be able to get a quantatative beta HCG at any doctor's office or hospital. You can also go the "unscientific route" and buy a pregnancy test that tests for HCG over 100 and see if you get a positive. You can find a list of tests and their levels here: www.fertilityplus.org/faq/hpt.html. You could also have an ultrasound to determine how far along you are. Pregnancy centers routinely offer these free.
I would think you might want to cut school back to part-time if you were going to work part-time, or go to school full-time and not work and rely on financial aide. There are grants for low-income parents going to school, etc. Lots of things to check into. We can help if you like. I just need to know your city and state and some surrounding cities as well. ((((Hugs))))
Hello again! I just wanted to say that I don't personally believe it would be unfair to bring another family member into the home. I am sure that your son would love his sibling just as all siblings have before him. He is probably not capable of understanding financial difficulties or time constraints and thus would have no reason to resent a new baby. There will always be the typical sibling rivalry but I doubt he would be somehow traumatized by an addition. As far as school and work, you could work part-time (maybe even from home as a nanny or something) and cut back on school. The chance to get an education is always going to be there but children grow so quickly...One minute they are here the next they are off and running living their own lives. Have you considered online courses that can be done at your own pace from home? Just food for thought. I just want to encourage you that it can be done and may even be rewarding in the long run. If you do decide to abort, make sure that you discuss every aspect with your DH. Emotional, spiritual, mental and the physical (ask your doctor to explain in detail any possible side effects from the abortion procedure, even if they are only theoretical. ) Future fertility can never be assumed and it will be good to be fully prepared for any complications. Have you talked about how you will tell your son later on down the road about the abortion? Or if you will at all? I have a 6 yr old son and of course he is too young now to understand what abortion means but as I am a crisis pregnancy counselor and I frequently share my testimony, eventually he will know that I aborted his sibling. That is a tough realization for me and one that every post abortive woman should be prepared for. Secrets within a family usually lead to more heartache. I am not sure if any of my ramblings are helping but do keep us posted ok? We all are here for you.
I called the only pregnancy center I know of here (Christian-based) and they only offer urine pregnancy tests and counseling.
I am really going crazy here not knowing how far along I am. I have no idea how long to wait to book my appointment. What if I wait too long or don't wait long enough?
...I guess it is obvious that I have made the decision to terminate.
I really appreciate your help so far and kind words.
Should I just call an OB clinic and make an appointment? We are on medicaid and I really doubt it will pay for an ultrasound this early. With my first pregnancy I had an ultrasound at 6 wks and Blue Cross (what we were on at the time) would not even pay for it. Maybe they could at least do a blood test for me to check my HCG level.
I will try your suggestion to use a less-sensitive home pregnancy test in a few days, so I can make sure it should be over 100.
I am considering doing a medical abortion because I know it can be done this early, but the small risk of it not completing the termination scares me. After all... it seems like an incredibly small risk that I could get pregnant with bcp and condoms, and here I am...
The doctor who will perform the abortion should always perform an ultrasound before proceeding. This is to ensure that it is in fact an interuterine pregnancy and not a tubal one. Also, to confirm length of gestation. It should be included in the cost as well as a follow up appointment. If you have decided to terminate then make sure you find a reputable doctor, check to make sure he has never had any reprimands, or complaints and make sure he will discuss all your termination options with you and that he covers side effects and possible complications. Good luck sweetie and you will be in our thoughts and prayers. Please keep us posted and make sure you are really following your heart on this one, and not just your head. Abortion is forever and speaking from experience I will just say that it is something you will never be able to forget. It is very important that you keep talking this out...throughout the procedure and after. Luv, Christine
I'd be happy to look for some other places that might do free ultrasounds, but yes, when you go in for your consult they should give you an ultrasound. If you're too early they'll make you wait some time. You can't really be too late unless you're certain you want the abortion pill/shot.
If the abortion fails the first time, then it would be up to you to decide to have a surgical - are you opposed or afraid of a surgical abortion?
((((Hugs))))) My thoughts and prayers are with you hon. I wish there was more that I could do so that you wouldn't have to go through this when your heart isn't in on the idea. Your first post really makes me worry, but I'm a worrywart...that's just me. :wink
Please do keep talking this through and let us know about the test and the appointment, okay hon? If you have any questions or concerns that come up, you know we're here for you.
How are ya Emily? Did you get in anywhere to find out how far along you are? Have you made an appointment yet? Just wondering if you could give us an update? ((((Hugs))))) to you dear.
I wish I knew what I could say that would make you reconsider. Your baby even at this early stage has value just as you and I do. I know that in your current circumstances it seems like this baby isn't good for anything but I would ask you to have hope in the future and not abort this child.
Take care,
Mary
I'm sorry I haven't been back for a time...
I just had a lot of thinking to do..
I did make the abortion appointment about three weeks ago. It has been really hard waiting all this time, and the morning sickness (more like all-day sickness) hit me about a week ago. I have been pretty miserable all-around.
One reason I wanted the medical abortion at first was because I wasn't very far along at the time and just wanted to get this over with. That was really an emotional reaction, though. The more I thought the more I realized surgical abortion was the best way to go.
I appreciate the offer to help finding a free ultrasound. My appointment at the clinic is in 2 days, on Saturday, and when I called I asked what would happen if I was not far enough along yet. They said I would have to pay for the ultrasound, but when I came back next time they would refund that.
Anyway, thanks so much for your help.
I will update whenever I am able.
(((Hugs))) Sorry to hear about the morning sickness. :sick Sometimes OTC dramamine can help with that. Do let us know how the appointment goes, and if you need to talk about anything that comes up between now and then, you know we're here for you hon.
Hey there! I was wondering how you'd been. I am glad that you took the time to really think this one through. You will feel much better knowing that you followed your heart. Although some don't see terminating a pregnancy as a happy ending, it is YOUR emotional well-being that we here at CTLW are concerned with:ummm . I strongly recommend that you seek out a post-abortion support group either near you, or online so you will be able to vent with other women who have been through the same thing. Even if you feel like you won't need it, trust me the days come that make you feel :woohoo crazy! That is completely normal. Emotions and hormones can really do a number on ya :wink There are several of us here that have aborted so please feel free to come back as needed! We support you no matter what and you should never feel judged here. God bless you and yours! Luv, Christine
Hi..
I had the abortion yesterday. The procedure itself was quick but very traumatic. Even though I had what they called an IV twilight sedation I felt the pain. I think I cried through the whole procedure and in the recovery room.. but I am not sure if I was really crying or not. I was pretty drugged.
Right now I am in a stage where I just don't want to think about it. I am relieved that I am no longer pregnant, but at the same time I just can't bring myself to think about what happened.
I do have one question, I have not bled or cramped much at all. Is this normal? They mostly talked about how heavy bleeding and pain was normal, but they did not mention it being normal not to. I did bleed for a few hours afterwards but I have not even spotted on the pad since yesterday evening. I have also cramped a little but have not felt the need to use even Motrin.
My husband is not being supportive at all. He would not even sleep in the same bed with me last night. I honestly don't know what is going to happen.
Do you know where I could find one of these online post abortiion support groups? Thanks..
Relief is the most common emotion that women feel immediately after an abortion. I did. It was mixed with a bit of regret and remorse and also a sense of peace. It was over and done and nothing would change it. I am sorry that your husband is not being supportive. There are resources and reading material available for men who suffer through abortion. This pregnancy was partly his responsibility too KWIM? He will grieve in his own way but the point is that he must be allowed and encouraged to do so. You too...grieve whatever loss you feel applies to you...be it a child, a potential life, innocense...whatever the abortion took from you. Let your feelings express themselves and try to gently explore your husbands' feelings. Is he resentful that you chose to abort or is he sad because you both were in this situation? We are here from you and I am not sure if this qualifies as a post abortion group but I am post abortive and would be willing to talk with you anytime. Rose I think teaches a post abortion study online....email her to find out what time and where...(((hugs to you))) and p.s. God still loves you and He will help you through this if you allow him too. Just food for thought...Luv, Christine
Gentle (((((hugs))))) to you hon. I'm sorry that the abortion was traumatic and difficult for you, and I'm sorry your DH isn't being more supportive. Did he not want you to have the abortion, or is he just having a hard time with this? Under Post-Abortion Support, there is a list of books for fathers to read...you may want to get him one (even from the library).
The relief is a really normal feeling. It might last for a day or two, or years...there's no way to know. Some women never feel anything else. Others begin to feel sad and angry. It's important to give yourself some time. You have the rest of your life to deal with these feelings, so don't rush yourself through them or into them, and don't worry about not feeling a certain way either. Whatever you feel is normal.
It can be normal to not bleed or cramp. Most likely the suctioned all of your uterine lining out when they did the abortion, so you may not have anything left behind to bleed out. Just keep your eye on it, and go to your check-up in 2 weeks.
There are some online support sites under the Post Abortion Support board as well, and I do run an online support group when there is a need. Email me if you'd like more info on this, okay hon? ((((Hugs))))) If you'd like me to find you a post-abortion counselor locally, just let me know where you live (city/state/nearby cities) and I'll find some if there are any.
My husband is angry because he did not want to have the abortion. I knew he was wanting to go through with the pregnancy, but he told me he would support my decision, and when I decided to have the abortion for sure, he agreed that that was best for our situation. Then the day of the abortion, after I was already in the clinic, he did a complete 180. I had to call him to come and sign for the credit card (I did not realize that I could not sign for it) he refused to come until almost the last minute, they almost did not do the abortion because he was so late.
I did not mention it before because I thought there was no reason.. but he is a recovering drug addict.. and was doing really well.. but this has caused him to relapse. So.. things are pretty messed up right now, to say the least. I kicked him out so I am all alone and this is more difficult than I ever could have imagined.
I really do need professional counseling. I am on Medicaid though and cannot pay for anything. I will PM you with my location.
I really don't know what to say hon. All I can say is that you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. My ex was a drug abuser also and it is very chaotic living with an addict's extreme ups and downs. He would come and go at will and my emotions came and went with him...How are you feeling now? Besides afraid of being alone I mean. How are you dealing with the abortion right now?
Big big (((hugs))) hon. I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to share that with us. I know it's not easy talking about things like that with a group of strangers. I'm sure his mood swings and changes have to do with the drugs too. You didn't cause him to relapse okay? This is a sickness he has and it flares up when stressful situations happen.
I'll email you with some information asap. Hang in there sweetie, and keep talking. I welcome you to post on the Post-Abortion Support board here from now on so that you can get the support you need.
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